Ed Balls Campaign Diary*

Yvette still isn’t talking to me, I think she might be getting it in the ear from the sisterhood about not running. She refused to support me at the launch, she says she is “still thinking about who to support for leader”. Even Sarah went on about how much she loved Gordon. All I ever hear is “please let go of my arm.” Did you see the people I had to  stand next to at the launch? F**k me, these are the people I have to listen to.  Think it went pretty OK, didn’t use surgical glue on the eyelids and didn’t blink or stutter.  Therapist called to congratulate me, proof Gordon’s old pills work even past their sell-by-date.

As ever that  Murdoch-bitch Burley gave me a hard time on Sky – it was all “Gordon this, Brown that, you’ve got a tiny majority blah blah blah.” She’s just some bigoted old woman.

On the train back from the launch I had to listen to He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named slagging me off on BBC Radio Leeds. He zeroed in on my line that the bunch of salad dodging chavs I have to represent voted BNP, Stan said that was a killer line. The cheeky fact-checking f****r said he was backing me and urging me on to victory. Nicola says ignore him and stay calm.

Talking of bloggers, it seems that Sion hasn’t f***ed up the Labour-Uncut project yet, early days yet. It was much easier setting up our own blog rather than having to suck up to  Straw’s toking son or Draper’s old intern – who seems to be in Miliband major’s pocket anyway. What with Kerry McCarthy now backing me, it looks like the Twitternets will be mine.

I will be Leader.  I will.

(*As leaked to Guido)




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Quote of the Day

David Davis is asked by Die Welt if his “training in the British commandos” has helped with the negotiations:

“Well, I never killed anyone.”

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