Ed Balls Campaign Diary*

Yvette still isn’t talking to me, I think she might be getting it in the ear from the sisterhood about not running. She refused to support me at the launch, she says she is “still thinking about who to support for leader”. Even Sarah went on about how much she loved Gordon. All I ever hear is “please let go of my arm.” Did you see the people I had to  stand next to at the launch? F**k me, these are the people I have to listen to.  Think it went pretty OK, didn’t use surgical glue on the eyelids and didn’t blink or stutter.  Therapist called to congratulate me, proof Gordon’s old pills work even past their sell-by-date.

As ever that  Murdoch-bitch Burley gave me a hard time on Sky – it was all “Gordon this, Brown that, you’ve got a tiny majority blah blah blah.” She’s just some bigoted old woman.

On the train back from the launch I had to listen to He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named slagging me off on BBC Radio Leeds. He zeroed in on my line that the bunch of salad dodging chavs I have to represent voted BNP, Stan said that was a killer line. The cheeky fact-checking f****r said he was backing me and urging me on to victory. Nicola says ignore him and stay calm.

Talking of bloggers, it seems that Sion hasn’t f***ed up the Labour-Uncut project yet, early days yet. It was much easier setting up our own blog rather than having to suck up to  Straw’s toking son or Draper’s old intern – who seems to be in Miliband major’s pocket anyway. What with Kerry McCarthy now backing me, it looks like the Twitternets will be mine.

I will be Leader.  I will.

(*As leaked to Guido)




Tip offs: 0709 284 0531
team@Order-order.com

Quote of the Day

Jeremy Corbyn on Big Ben Bong Ban

“… if we have to miss Big Ben in reality for a while so that work can be done, well, that’s something we have to go through. It’s not a national disaster or catastrophe.”

Sponsors

Guidogram: Sign up

Subscribe to the most succinct 7 days a week daily email read by thousands of Westminster insiders.
Idea of Unilateral Free Trade Sent Commentariat into Spasms Idea of Unilateral Free Trade Sent Commentariat into Spasms
Sheerman Lobbying Prompts Calls for Ban Sheerman Lobbying Prompts Calls for Ban
Nasty Nat Picks on Tory MP’s Young Children Nasty Nat Picks on Tory MP’s Young Children
Remain Media Coverage Criticised By Experts Remain Media Coverage Criticised By Experts
Wings Over Scotland Arrested Wings Over Scotland Arrested
Watch and Hear: The Last Chime Watch and Hear: The Last Chime
Bonkers Bong Bowing and Reporting Bonkers Bong Bowing and Reporting
Why Transition Must Be Short Why Transition Must Be Short
PICTURES: Seumas’ Temper Tantrum PICTURES: Seumas’ Temper Tantrum
Don’t Believe ‘Victory For Hammond’ Spin Don’t Believe ‘Victory For Hammond’ Spin
Angry Adonis Wanted ‘Office for Students’ Job Angry Adonis Wanted ‘Office for Students’ Job
City Envoy Slams “Bewildering” Brussels City Envoy Slams “Bewildering” Brussels
Labour Pledged to Sell-Off Public Land Labour Pledged to Sell-Off Public Land
Corbyn’s ‘Local GPs’ Visit Staged by Labour Spin Doctor Corbyn’s ‘Local GPs’ Visit Staged by Labour Spin Doctor
Joly-Gone: Maugham Deletes Centre Party Plan Joly-Gone: Maugham Deletes Centre Party Plan
Milne: North Korea ‘Rational’ to Have Nukes Milne: North Korea ‘Rational’ to Have Nukes
LibDem Chief Exec Out LibDem Chief Exec Out
Jones Ditches Momentum For Radio Show Jones Ditches Momentum For Radio Show
Chlorine Chicken? EU Mired in Food Safety Scandals Chlorine Chicken? EU Mired in Food Safety Scandals
Juncker’s Junkets: Commissioners’ €500,000 Expenses Juncker’s Junkets: Commissioners’ €500,000 Expenses