Ed Balls Campaign Diary*

One down, four to go. I knew Cruddas would crack when I sent Chris Leslie round with the file. A little show and tell of CCTV footage and old Jon soon looked into his heart and realised he didn’t want to stand after all. That little girl Burnham is next.

Sick to the back teeth of creeping around the brain-dead lobby fodder the PLP have been left with. After having to listen to Harman drone on all day the last thing you want to do is spend the night pressing the flesh in the Strangers bar with that lot. Not sure how many nights I can keep it up – nobody bought me a beer.

To make matters worse got home, sans ministerial car, what do I get? No dinner and that four-eyed prick Crick on Newsnight claiming that I might not be able to get enough signatures for my nomination. What the hell does he know? It’s not like anyone has ever answered the phone to him. That f****r has been on my case for too long.

On the up side, I did grease up to Bercow and he was re-elected, worth it to get that drunk he married to back me on Twitter. Had lunch with Stan Greenberg, he said he has a plan for tacking to the left now Cruddas is out of the way, though he’s got some explaining to do after telling me it would be a breeze in Morley.

The big announcement is planned for tomorrow.  I will be leader.

(*As leaked to Guido)



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Jeremy Corbyn on Big Ben Bong Ban

“… if we have to miss Big Ben in reality for a while so that work can be done, well, that’s something we have to go through. It’s not a national disaster or catastrophe.”

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