Ed Balls Campaign Diary*

Finally got Yvette to agree not to stand, had to restrain myself from throwing my Costa coffee in her face when she started errmming and aahhing about it.  I will be the leader.

Can’t believe 20,000 people have watched that disgusting video of me pissed in Nazi uniform, that is more people than actually bloody voted for me.  I was a student for heaven’s sake.  At least nobody has got hold of the pictures of Yvette in the full leather-booted SS uniform.  If she stood, I’d give them to Damian, that’d stop her leadership bid dead. It would be the reich thing to do.

Charlie’s strategising has me a little worried, he reckons Miliband major and minor will split the wonk/careerist vote, with Burnham sewing up the “look at me I’m normal” vote formerly owned by Alan Johnson.  Burnham might well appeal to ordinary voters but they thankfully don’t get a say in who is leader of this Great Party of Ours, which explains how we got Gordon in.

That apparently leaves me with the “Tory hating, take no prisoners segment of the party”, which is most of the unions and a fair proportion of the Great Party of Ours. I will be leader.

Don’t trust Liam Byrne or that bitch Harman. Damian has a media grid to deal with them if they try anything.  Tom Baldwin, Paul Waugh and Toby Helm all lined up to run articles. I will be the leader.

The therapist says the positive self-reaffirmation is overcoming the blinking and stuttering, which is good because the surgical glue is painful as buggery to remove from the eyelids.  I will be the leader.  I WILL BE LEADER!

(*As leaked to Guido)



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Quote of the Day

Philip Hammond uses a trip to Berlin to mock the Foreign Secretary:

“A compromise is the art of dividing a cake in such a way that everyone believes he has the biggest piece. Wise words with some applicability to the Brexit negotiations although I try to discourage talk of “cake” amongst my colleagues.”

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