Everyone knows Bad Al used to make ends meet writing soft-porn for Forum magazine. The question is has the experience of the years since those sex and drink filled days made his saucy prose any better? Judge for yourself, here is the sex scene verbatim from his new novel Maya:

“She wasn’t wearing a bra. I reached down to cup her breast. She breathed in sharply, leaning towards me. I felt dizzy. I took a deep breath, my hand immobile for a few seconds, just holding a breast that had fed so many fantasies, so much frustration. It felt better than the best of any fantasy.

Then I indulged in another fantasy. I gripped the expensive fabric of her green dress in my two hands and I tore it. With a shimmer, the silk fell away to her waist. It was the first time I had seen her breasts. Though there were several highly erotic scenes in ‘An English Rose Abroad’, Maya had never been filmed naked from the front. Now there they were, perfect objects of desire, my hands touching them and my lips moving down to kiss them. I ran my tongue around her nipples and then into the valley of her throat and up to her lips. ‘Kiss me,’ I said, and as she did I felt both her hands on my shoulders, then running down my back, up to my shoulders again, as our tongues ended a two-decade courtship, circled each other again and again, till I sucked her hard into my mouth, and she me into hers. She grabbed at my belt, helped me open my trousers, then force them to the floor as she pulled me on top of her. My hands fell away from her breasts but I wanted them back there, to make that moment of first contact endure. I raised my self up so that I could keep my mouth on hers but also touch her nipples once more, than I moved down to kiss them, and as I kissed and nippped and bit, she grabbed my hair, tugged it hard and behan to emit little gasps, momentary bursts of sounds that said to me I was giving her pleasure. Her pleasure was now my sole ambition. She brought her mouth back to mine, then tugged on my shoulders and I was lying on top of her, the outside of my thighs touching the inside of hers. I felt her calves on mine as she locked her legs around me, our tongues danced around each other once more, and she was wriggling beneath me, her hands on my hips, then she was pulling me towards her, directing me to everything I had ever hoped for. I thought the walls were going to fall down as we stroked and screamed our way through hours of pleasure to the union for which my whole life had been a preparation.”

So it took more than 45 minutes to explode then…