Balls Hits Gordon

Gordon BallsGolf balls that is – what did you think Guido meant?  Down in Sidcup Golfers get the chance to unleash their frustration at the government by aiming golf balls at the faces of Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling. The World of Golf chain of driving ranges in Sidcup, Croydon, New Malden and Glasgow have put up the targets for the pleasure of golfers.

CEO Grant Wright thought it would be a fun and tongue in cheek idea: “We knew it would be a risk but it’s not to be taken seriously and we haven’t had any problems so far.”

Guido reckons he might be the only business booming in the economy right now.

Hat-tip : News Shopper via Cynosarges

8% of LibDem Voters are Mad

The PoliticsHome poll showing that 95% of Tories, 66% 0f LibDems and 50% of Labour voters think the Tories will win the next election is not much of a surprise.

That 8% of voters (who just happen to be LibDem supporters) surprisingly think the LibDems are going to win the general election suggests that they are either just extremely optimistic, mad or lying. Hmmm…

Sion Simon Does It Again

Sion Simon

He has now Tweeted:

Earlier I repeated a joke that was in poor taste, which I now regret. I apologise wholeheartedly for any distress or embarrassment caused.

That will win votes won’t it?  Insult the popular and much loved sensation of the moment.  His skills with video satire and political forecasting have been remarked on before.  He is best mates with Tom Watson, the Minister for Digital Engagement and Mudslinging.  It was Tom who encouraged Labour MPs to twitter.  When comes to twattishness, none can surpass Sion.

Berlusconi's Euro-Babes

Guido’s favourite euro-politician and media magnate, Silvio Berlusconi, understands that politics is showbusiness for ugly people and he wants to change it into a more pure showbusiness.  You can perhaps understand why with that kind of insight he is a billionaire.

He is unveiling his latest leggy line-up of prospective candidates for his centre-right Party of Freedom in the upcoming Euro-elections:

Camilla Ferranti posed semi-naked for a variety of calendars and magazines and has also appeared in several Italian soap operas. It emerged last year, that Berlusconi had rung the head of the state television company RAI and “suggested” she be given a role in a top TV series.

Barbara Matera is perhaps the most qualified with a science degree but is better known for her appearance in Miss Italia and her TV career where she has appeared as an announcer and in several soaps. “I have always wanted a career in politics but I didn’t feel I was ready but Silvio says I am and I think I will work very well in Strasbourg.”

Angela Sozio has appeared on Grande Fratello, Italy’s Big Brother, and was famously snapped sitting on Berlusconi’s knee two years ago at his luxury villa in Sardinia. The group was dubbed “Berlusconi’s Harem” by the Italian media and in other photographs Angela was seen holding hands with the premier.

Eleonora Gaggioli (above)  has a glittering past as a TV star and a Google search finds plenty of pictures of her posing in her underwear. Like Camilla, Eleonora was also named in the “Silvio tapes” last summer.

Silvio really has it good.

McBride Changes His Number

Damian McPoisonAnother sighting of Damian McBride, apparently he has been circulating his new mobile number to his Lobby drinking buddies. Guess that means Guido won’t be able to send him any more text messages.

Maybe he can get a job on the Telegraph, after all he has plenty of experience writing copy for them.  He could always write a book.  If he got one out in time for Labour Party conference he could trouser a quick six-figure advance for a smear and tell book.  Obviously it won’t be worth so much after the general election…

+++ Government Loses Gurkha Vote +++

What will put fear into the Labour Party is that it was defeated by a LibDem – Conservative alliance. Cameron and Clegg seemed very at ease with each other in front of the press. Dave even paid tribute to Clegg’s leadership on the issue. Liberal love bombing which has strategic political implications…

Lib Con Alliance

Blogging Tory MP Signs Downing Street "Just Go" Petition

ResignAny minute now the “Just Go” petition on the Downing Street website will be the number one issue on Gordon’s home page, helped on the way by the support of Douglas Carswell MP*, the blogging MP who added his name to the list this lunchtime. When the digital engagement team in Downing Street came up with this wheeze they didn’t really think it through did they?  The coverage has been widespread and uniformly bad for Gordon:

20,000 sign petition calling for resignation of Gordon Brown Telegraph

Gordon Brown silences YouTube critics by disabling viewer comments Times
Gordon Brown’s YouTube message on MPs’ expenses has been watched only 4000 times. By contrast, the video of him picking his nose has been watched 630000

Gordon Brown is running on empty Telegraph

Snubbed Abroad, Humiliated At Home Sky News

Yakkety yak, don’t talk back Times

Has the government’s e-petitioning system backfired? – VNUNet.com
The government’s e-petitioning system may have backfired. Over 15000 people have signed a petition posted on the Downing Street web site last week calling

Resignation appeal Scotsman
Gordon Brown was yesterday facing calls for his resignation – from a public petition posted on his own official website. The petition, which has already

EMBARRASSED BROWN URGED TO QUIT NOW Daily Star
UNDER-fire PM Gordon Brown was left red-faced yesterday after a double whammy of attacks on his competence. Firstly, a petition on his own

QUIT DOWNING STREET’ PETITION IS A BIG HITExpress

More than 20000 sign petition on Downing Street website demanding resignation Daily Mail
A petition on 10 Downing Street’s own website calling for Gordon Brown to resign as Prime Minister has reached the 20,000-signature

Wonder if Tom Watson, the Minister for Mudslinging and Digital Engagement, has had to duck a Nokia today?

*Charles Clarke MP probably is not a genuine signatory. Or is he?

I'm the Prime Minister, Get Me Out of Here

The chamber fell about laughing after Gordon made a twat of himself forgetting he had a statement to make:

UPDATE : In reply to the statement Dave said: “Can I thank the Prime Minister for making his statement…it was a close run thing”.

Clegg Hit His Mark

Nick Clegg doesn’t always shine at PMQs.  He sometimes misjudges the chamber and suffers for it.  He got the tone right for once.  Dale usually scores PMQs, think Clegg deserves a winning score.

UPDATE : Dale did score Clegg the winner.

PMQs Live Chat : Mad Hatter's Tea Party

Osborne : PM is Mad Hatter

Like Guido, George Osborne basically thinks Brown is bonkers.  He has in the past described the Prime Mentalist as “autistic”.  In Shadow Chancellor’s speech during the debate on the budget he returned to the theme once again, calling Brown a “mad hatter”:

I hear sneers and dismissal from Government Members about the IMF’s figures, but I thought that the IMF was going to be the new early-warning system for the Prime Minister. In a stroke, the IMF destroyed the credibility of the premise on which the Budget and its borrowing figures had been built. The claim is that within just two years, the British economy is supposed to bounce from the deepest recession that it has known since the second world war to levels of economic growth and household consumption seen only at the height of the boom; we now know that, frankly, in the view of almost every independent forecaster, that is a complete fantasy. No wonder that one paper this morning described the whole thing as “Alistair in Wonderland”. I guess that that leaves the Prime Minister as our mad hatter—and given the expression on the face of the Secretary of State for Energy and Climate Change, he is the white rabbit.

According to Matthew d’Ancona “the subtext “at least Dave is sane” will underpin most of what the Tories say until polling day.” Good. No amount of talk as to the merits of quantitative easing, credit flows or the broken society will ignite passion, or hope to “seal the deal”. Talk instead of the Prime Mentalist in Downing Street, who has now almost run out of people to blame, yet won’t himself say sorry. Inflaming that popular anger with Gordon will “seal his repeal”

Osborne is right to to tap into the popular contempt people feel for Gordon Brown.

Downing Street Petition Site "Broke" Yesterday

ResignGuido had loads of emails yesterday from people saying they couldn’t sign the petition on the Downing Street website.  Many were greeted with this message:

ERROR

The requested URL could not be retrieved


While trying to retrieve the URL: http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/please-go/

The following error was encountered:

  • Unable to forward this request at this time.

This request could not be forwarded to the origin server or to any parent caches. The most likely cause for this error is that:

  • The cache administrator does not allow this cache to make direct connections to origin servers, and
  • All configured parent caches are currently unreachable.

Guido contacted Tom Steinberg, the über geek in charge of the petition project, he confirmed that there was a problem yesterday. His technical explanantion was “something broke whilst being upgraded. Bloody computers, eh.”

UPDATE : More people have now petitioned for Gordon to Go than voted for him in his constitutency.  If a couple of thousand more people sign the petition before midday, Dave will be able to tell the Prime Mentalist at PMQs that the most popular petition on his own website is the one wanting rid of him.  Hint to Dave’s PMQs preparation team:  namecheck the petition at PMQs and it will go ballistic.  Worth it just to wind up Gordon into smashing a computer screen with a flying Nokia.

Dave the Rave : Computer Facial Matching Analysis

Alex, a co-conspirator, has run the pictures through some imaging software.

What do you think?

+++ CCHQ Denies Dave was the Raver +++

Dave the Rave

UPDATE : Guido has now spoken to Tamzin Lightwater, she said she had done her due diligence and showed Dave the pictures. He told her it wasn’t him.  Guido asked had Dave ever been to a rave.  She didn’t think so.  Well, if you can remember, you weren’t really there….

Major : I Complained to Cabinet Secretary About McBride

Guido’s co-conspirator with his eye on the Tory girls was at an event last night held by the Conservative Women’s Organisation.  John Major told the ladies that last year he had put in a complaint to the Cabinet Secretary, Gus O’Donnell, about Damian McBride’s activities. It was of course to no avail.

GusThe truth is that Gus O’Donnell is seen by many senior Tories as an integral part of Team Brown.  They no longer have any respect for him as an impartial civil servant and he is unlikely to survive the coming regime change.

Ironic that he first came to prominence under John Major.

Jonah Brown's Mexican Wave of Tragedy

Guido suspects that President Asif Ali Zardari of Pakistan is no fool, he saw what happened to the Mexicans after their President, Felipe Calderon, shook hands with Jonah Brown.  He acted in Pakistan’s national interest, cancelling a scheduled meeting with the Prime Mentalist.  What was the upside for Zardari in shaking hands with the manic, mincing madman?  Cancelling the meeting was his patriotic duty.

Mexico CursedLast month innocent little President Felipe Calderon of Mexico led a full state visit to Britain.  He happily shook hands with Jonah, he dined with Jonah, he spent time with Jonah unknowing of the fearsome risks. Inevitably within a month the curse hit Mexico hard.   Plague has come in the form of Swine Flu, taking the lives of over a hundred Mexicans so far.

EpicentreThe prolonged proximity to the presbyterian pestilence has brought double tragedy for Calderon’s people.  Already reeling from the swinish plague, Mexico has suffered an earthquake of magnitude 5.6 on the Richter scale.

“I’m scared,” Sarai Luna Pajas, a 22-year-old Mexico City resident, told the Associated Press news agency.  “We Mexicans are not used to living with so much fear, but all that is happening – the economic crisis, the illnesses and now this – it feels like the Apocalypse.” Pity the undeserving victims of the accursed, one-eyed son of the manse…

McPoison : Down and Out in Archway

Michael, a co-conspirator, writes:

Damian McPoisonSeen at 2.15 p.m. today, on the Holloway Road near Highbury Corner, a shuffling near derelict figure in dirty scuffed jeans, run-down trainers and raggedy-arsed donkey jacket.

A double-take. Yup, that rheumey, red-faced pallor.  It is indeed Damian McBride.

“Guido sends his regards,” I yell.  No response.  He looked ruined.

Ratted more likeDo continue to send sightings…

Dolly is Watching Daytime TV

Further to Guido’s story about the BACP Crisis Meeting Over Draper, the psychotherapist’s professional body has confirmed that the

BACP has received a number of queries regarding Derek Draper to which we are responding. Any complaints received will be treated seriously and processed according to our Professional Conduct Procedures.

As soon as they are known, the outcomes of all Professional Conduct Procedures are published in our journal Therapy Today (which automatically goes out to all 30,200 BACP members) and also to the general public via our website. All such proceedings are conducted on the principles of natural justice. All parties to any complaint have a reasonable period during which to make their representations.

Derek Draper and Kate GarrawayGuido understands that Dr Annie Hickox, a qualified clinical psychologist who has worked in the NHS for more than 20 years and holds qualifications up to and including a PhD (unlike Dolly) is one of many who have written to the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy in order to register concern. Dr Hickox says Draper “clearly is not fit to work in his chosen field”.

Draper’s wife Kate Garraway is presenting “The Biggest Loser” on ITV weekdays at 4 p.m., Guido will resist the obvious temptation…

Dave the Rave?

This has been building up for a few weeks and now Guido is getting calls from Dead Tree Press diarists, it is probably time to bring it out into the open.  Is this a picture of a long-haired 22 year-old David Cameron?

Dave the Rave

The pictures are taken from a video of a Sunrise Party held in the summer of 1988.   You decide…

WARNING TO PICTURE EDITORS : PHOTOS & VIDEO COPYRIGHT
OUR LAWYERS ARE BASTARDS

Contact Guido.Fawkes@order-order.com for rights.

Can Brogan Really Restore the Telegraph's Reputation for Political Reporting?

SmokescreenStephen Glover’s media column in the Indy rakes over the Labourgraph’s dishonest handling of Smeargate.  It is a pretty fair summary of the affair which Guido went over briefly here.  Suffice to say the Labourgraph’s political team don’t come out of either account very well.[…] Read the rest

+ READ MORE +



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Michael Crick on Safe Seats:

“In effect, new MPs are being elected day by day now, as, amid huge secrecy, small cabals of party bigwigs pick candidates for safe seats.”

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