How embarrassing. There we were, gathered in secrecy in the cellars beneath the House of Lords. We’d drugged Blunkett’s dog and I was just about to light the fuse on our cunning bomb when Master Winter tugged my elbow and said “I say, Catesby old chap, are you sure this stuff’s really high explosive?” And, um, it turned out it wasn’t. I was trying to detonate 36 barrells of talcum powder. That’s the last time I buy anything off E-Bay.
So now you know why the State Opening of Parliament went ahead this year without the long-awaited explosions, death, destruction, uprisings, revolution etc. etc. We’ve packed Master Fawkes off to the colonies to acquire some of the genuine stuff and for a few days Your Servant, Catesby Esq, is taking the helm.
There’ll be trouble if Master Yates hauls in the arch-criminal Blair for questioning in Guido’s absence.
Frankly, things here at the Gunpowder Plot have been getting a bit slipshod recently. It’s not as if we haven’t got our opportunities. With diabolical genius I, Your Servant Catesby Esq, have assembled a pretty impressive team of highly-placed conspirators. Master Tresham has infiltrated GCHQ. Master Percy is a senior flunky at the BBC. Ambrose Rokewood, in real life a dentist from Epsom, has for many years operated undercover in the brilliant disguise of a Brummie lass called “Clare Short”. Your Servant Catesby Esq works from an office under the main staircase at Downing Street (well, actually it’s a broom cupboard and John Major locked me in by accident in 1995 and I’ve been there ever since but the principle’s the same). Master Bates, of course, is attached to the staff of the Chancellor of the Exchequer (you can take that any way you like – as, so I hear, does the Chancellor).
The time has come for Your Servant, Catesby Esq, to reveal my hand and step out from the shadows to deal the final death blow to this incompetent, unloved, embezzling, bankrupt Administration. It can only be a matter of weeks before I am swept to power on an uncontrollable tidal wave of public emotion.
My country needs me. Expect fireworks. I have the honour to remain Your Servant,
PS: Still looking for this year’s must-have Christmas gift? Listen to one who knows. It’s talcum powder. Your Servant, Catesby Esq, has the inside track to obtain premium quality top-of-the-range samples. Place your orders now through the usual channels. Only £100 per bushell.