The Di Visi Code : Chapter One

Guido has obtained the serialisation rights to Ben Drown’s Di Visi Code, here is the first chapter. But is it fact or fiction?

Chapter One

They found the distinguished, experienced, white-haired, older man sprawled on the floor of Westminster Abbey, in the historic heart of traditional London, England. He had been stabbed in the back 121 times (at time of writing – the number goes up each day). The Police were baffled. They sent for me.

“I’ve absolutely no idea what’s going on,” said Inspector Mitchell. “Wye aye, man, we divvent a clue,” exclaimed Sgt Conway with rough Geordie honesty.

As an American academic specialising in a spurious made-up subject, with a surprising ignorance of basic Renaissance art, mediaeval history, architecture, geography, but a penchant for plagiarising 20 year old books and a completely unfeasible ability to attract leggy French totty, I am of course just the person the Police would turn to in order to solve a serious crime.

“There are 197 suspects,” said Inspector Mitchell. “They were all in their constituencies at the time.”

“Anything suspicious?” I asked.

“They were all in their constituencies. Look, Professor Longjohns, I haven’t the time to solve this mystery. There’s an armed gang of lunatics running around London shooting innocent people in the streets. And as well as Special Branch, I’ve got Al Qaeda to worry about. If this carries on I’m going to miss my next board meeting in Hong Kong. Sort it out.”

I surveyed anxiously the scene. The white-haired, experienced, older man was lying in a pool of (non-blue) blood. Strewn around him were piles of expenditure plans slashed to pieces. There were also four sixteenth century Italian paintings arranged in a line, to which the corpse’s contorted fingers were pointing at bizarre angles; a collection of half-completed crossword puzzles; a helicopter ticket to Blackpool; some discarded photographic negatives; a couple of computer CDs and a switched-on open laptop; on the floor were chalk markings of dots and dashes; and the wall was smeared with writing in blood. Absolutely nothing to go on.

I rolled the body over – because, as you know, it’s standard Police procedure to not check the corpse for clues – and gasped. Underneath the victim was a crushed bottle of fizzy water and some mint imperials.

“Inspector,” I stammered, fighting for air. “We are dealing with a sinister right-wing cult of incense-burning messianic fanatics.”

“You mean?”

“Exactly. This slaying was the work of Opus Dave.”

TO BE CONTINUED…..




Tip offs: 0709 284 0531
team@Order-order.com

Quote of the Day

Jeremy Corbyn on Big Ben Bong Ban

“… if we have to miss Big Ben in reality for a while so that work can be done, well, that’s something we have to go through. It’s not a national disaster or catastrophe.”

Sponsors

Guidogram: Sign up

Subscribe to the most succinct 7 days a week daily email read by thousands of Westminster insiders.
Fears For Chapman Fears For Chapman
Why Transition Must Be Short Why Transition Must Be Short
PICTURES: Seumas’ Temper Tantrum PICTURES: Seumas’ Temper Tantrum
Don’t Believe ‘Victory For Hammond’ Spin Don’t Believe ‘Victory For Hammond’ Spin
Friday Caption Contest: Commando Chappers Edition Friday Caption Contest: Commando Chappers Edition
Angry Adonis Wanted ‘Office for Students’ Job Angry Adonis Wanted ‘Office for Students’ Job
Listen: Rees-Mogg vs Chapman Listen: Rees-Mogg vs Chapman
City Envoy Slams “Bewildering” Brussels City Envoy Slams “Bewildering” Brussels
Labour Pledged to Sell-Off Public Land Labour Pledged to Sell-Off Public Land
Corbyn’s ‘Local GPs’ Visit Staged by Labour Spin Doctor Corbyn’s ‘Local GPs’ Visit Staged by Labour Spin Doctor
Joly-Gone: Maugham Deletes Centre Party Plan Joly-Gone: Maugham Deletes Centre Party Plan
Milne: North Korea ‘Rational’ to Have Nukes Milne: North Korea ‘Rational’ to Have Nukes
LibDem Chief Exec Out LibDem Chief Exec Out
Jones Ditches Momentum For Radio Show Jones Ditches Momentum For Radio Show
Chlorine Chicken? EU Mired in Food Safety Scandals Chlorine Chicken? EU Mired in Food Safety Scandals
Juncker’s Junkets: Commissioners’ €500,000 Expenses Juncker’s Junkets: Commissioners’ €500,000 Expenses
Owen Jones in for Nawaz on LBC Owen Jones in for Nawaz on LBC
Watch: Maduro’s Thugs Executing Opponents Watch: Maduro’s Thugs Executing Opponents
Inside Baroness Scotland’s Home – But No Pictures Allowed Inside Baroness Scotland’s Home – But No Pictures Allowed