Taliban Timmy’s Tory Test

God be with you blog readers! Guido has taken the afternoon off, hopefully to repent his papist ways. God willing, I will be your blogger today. The Tory leadership candidates have agreed to answer my questions today. I am testing their fidelity to Montgomeria law. God be praised that they have compassionately agreed to go along with me for fear of losing votes.

First question for the blessed Davids : Will you introduce the death penalty for hashish fiends, opium den runners and white slave traders?
DC: No.
DD : Yes, and more than that, a Davis government will bring back public flogging of petty thieves and stoning for adulterers.
Second question for the exulted Davids : Do you believe that sex outside marriage is wrong?
DC: No.
DD : Depends what you mean by wrong, its not a, err, hanging offence, but its inadvisable. A healthy marriage to a blonde, sorry errm, a brunette, is all a man needs.
Third question for the honourable Davids : Are test tube babies Satan’s spawn?
DC: No.
DD : We have to look at the errm evidence, but if errr scientists or satanists are making babies we have to make sure we have a framework to deal with them in a firm, but compassionate way.
Fourth question for esteemed Davids : Are you a prophet who can see into the future ten years hence?
DC: No.
DD : Certainly, and my tax policy is based on the clear ability to determine macro-economic variables a decade ahead. That is the difference, the err clear blue errr water, with respect, between young Cameron and me, substantive policy from me, substance abuse from him. But I don’t want to bring that up. Just let me mention, gratuitously, that I grew up on a council estate.
Fifth final fun question : Women in Burqas or Hijabs?
DC: No.
DD : Blondes with double-D tits for me.

That’s it true believers, after unbiased consideration of the answers and careful study of our Taliban-O-Meter, which has now swung hard to the right, its Fox Davis for me.

This is Taliban Timmy wishing you all the blessings of the Tory-Taliban-Lite.

Pakol tip : Tim Montgomerie




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Quote of the Day

Embattled Henry Bolton on his battles…

“I’m going nowhere. I have seen people die, I have seen people blown up, I have seen people shot. Even the Taliban doesn’t quite prepare you for UKIP, though.”

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