Bloody Paxman, lets see what he does to Howard on Friday. It was like pulling teeth, no it was worse, nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. What would I tell the Panzer Pope about condoms? The audacity of the question, Cherie would kill me – not to mention it would bugger my formal conversion at the Vatican post-PM. Mandy’s right about this, a Catholic Europe will need a Catholic President kinda guy in the future.

Its Mandy’s fault that everywhere I go people are making snide comments, when he said he’d found some poisonous chemicals that would remove my worried furrowed brow, I thought WMD at last! I didn’t realise he was going to inject them into my damned forehead.