Patrick Loughran used to cold call people for NOP before he graduated to spinning for Hawker Britton (UK) Ltd, a bunch of second rate Aussie influence peddlers. He was formerly the Labour party’s chief political research officer / Ian McCartney’s SPAD, along with Blair McDougal, former Labour Students hack, and former researcher to Jim Murphy. Guido thinks all this Project Blackwatch stuff is no different from anything New Labour did before – the department used to be called the Attack Unit but has been renamed the Political Communications Unit. Before it was run by Andrew Pakes, Stephen Twigg’s former beau, or are they still together? I forget.

Campaigns chief is Carole Linforth. Head of polling is Greg Cook – considered a bit of a guru and well liked. Inside campaigns is Martin Angus, famous as the guy who dragged Prescott away after the famous punch.

The General Secretary Matt Carter is also pretty hands on, he did a PhD on Tawney’s influence on New Labour then got a job as a local organiser for the party in Durham (in 1997). Then became Regional Director of the party for the South West (around 2000), then Assistant General Secretary (in 2001). Pretty much the only real candidate for his current job when he took it last year. Very pompous. Face and neck flares up red when public-speaking (he’s ginger).

Chris Lennie (Deputy General Secretary): Northern Secretary of Unison until 2001, then got this job. Tipped for the chop after the election. Easily irritable and throws his weight around with anyone smaller than him. Some might say psychotic – see his performance during the Galloway show trial expulson hearings.

Luke Bruce (Head of Policy): Looks and sounds like a Tory (actually could be the weird lovechild of Andrew Lansley and Tim Collins appearance-wise). Before current post was Education Policy Officer for the party. Experience of education “policy” was as an NUS hack but he’d probably say he went to school and university so that’s enough.

Mike Crighton, Susan Brown, Tracy Paul, Terry Paul, Emma Thorne, Hillary Perrin, Julian Ellerby and Malcolm Powers also serve. God knows what they do and for whom they do it.

Guido takes a particular interest in Labour’s yank spammer, Zack Exley, assisted by his side-kick, Annie Keys, who is Labour’s online organiser and a Greenwich councillor. They seem to be besting their rival parties’ email propagandists.

Bad Al Campbell, when not Blackberrying abuse, drops in wearing his tracksuit on occasion. Milburn is generally perceived to not know what he is really doing. Fraser is certainly an operator, though not without fault.

Email Guido.Fawkes@Order-Order.com to tell me how important you are and what you do etc. This is only the beta version. (Yes, Guido knows there are two London HQs as well as regional HQs). Who’s Who at Tory HQ next week, so boys and girls in Victoria Street, tell me what you do for your country.