June was a month filled with scandal. It kicked off with Boris Johnson stepping down as the MP for Uxbridge and South Ruislip with immediate effect. Delivering a scathing letter that criticised the “kangaroo court“, Boris fired a warning shot to Rishi Sunak, calling for a “properly conservative government.” Johnson’s decision came in the wake of the Privileges Committee’s recommendation for a 10-day suspension, a move that seemed like he was jumping before being pushed. Though in mid-June, Boris was still more popular than Rishi among Tory voters…
Meanwhile, Nicola Sturgeon was arrested as a suspect in connection with the investigation into the finances and funding of the SNP. Guido revealed Tom Newton Dunn was suspended for two weeks after some 14 complaints of “Inappropriate behaviour”. TalkTV maintained the pretence that he was on “leave”. His long, long holiday extending for two months… after which he left the baby shard for good…
The main event of June was Guido’s scoop of the lockdown birthday bash in the Commons hosted by Commons Deputy Speaker Eleanor Laing and Virginia Crosbie, PPS to Health Secretary Matt Hancock. The party was for their dear friend Anne Jenkin’s 65th birthday, on the 8th December 2020. Bernard Jenkin, of Liaison and Privileges Committee fame, attended the celebration. A co-conspirator said there was “loads of drink” and that they specifically remember Bernard Jenkin with drink in hand at a jolly affair. This was a party in breach of the legal regulations, and to top it off there was even birthday cake.
Jenkin voted to expel Boris Johnson from Parliament over his partygate scandal, asserting to the Privilege Committee, “the rules were clear—they were there for everyone, and no one is above the law.” Following our scoop, Boris sent Guido a statement, urging Jenkin to resign over the matter. Guido reminded his readers of some of Jenkin’s most hypocritical statements at the Privileges Committee. The next day, the Met police signalled they would investigate Bernard Jenkins…
It wasn’t Anne Jenkin’s only lockdown breaking party either, as Guido revealed two week prior to birthday bash she hosted a another one – a “birthday party” for Women2Win. Theresa May was there in person to celebrate and take photos…
The month ended on a high for Nigel Farage, who won News Presenter of the Year at the TRIC Awards, to much dismay of the liberal elite, who booed and jeered throughout his acceptance speech. Having beaten the likes of Susanna Reid, Eamonn Holmes and Piers Morgan, Farage dismissed the boos in his usual fashion: “Please keep the abuse coming, because it says a lot more about you than about me.” The perfect demonstration of the gulf between the Twitterati types and everyone else…
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May was a month that saw the money-grabbing ULEZ expansion plans take centre stage as Guido embarked on an extensive investigation into the irony of the scheme. Sadiq Khan’s feeble defence for the move was that clean air would save lives, though Theresa Villiers informed Guido that there was little evidence ULEZ would bring health benefits. Pollution on the London Underground is around 15 times higher than at street level, surpassing the UK safe limit for toxic particles by 8 times. Guido didn’t let this slide and challenged the London Mayor. Sadiq spun the London Underground toxic dust as safe. Despite scientists saying these illegal levels risked cardiovascular damage.. even in children.
Considering the inevitable push of more people to use the tube due to ULEZ expansion, Guido’s Adam Cherry took an underground trip to investigate what it meant for Londoners’ health. Armed with an industry-standard Temtop Air Quality Monitor, he discovered that high levels of PM 2.5, known to cause asthma, lung cancer, cardiovascular diseases, and neurological problems, were at 50 μg/m3 on the tube, compared to the streets’ 2.4. Not good for the lungs of Londoners…
It was a good month for GB News, as after being named the nation’s darling news brand, ratings soared for the people’s channel, leaving viewing numbers for Sky News and the BBC in its wake. At the end of the month, Dan Wootton owned prime time with 93,800 views, while Nigel Farage gathered a respectable 83,100. Meanwhile, Talk TV hit rock bottom with zero viewers in various slots, and Jacob Rees-Mogg effortlessly outclassed Piers Morgan by a whopping 10,000 viewers. TalkTV weren’t the only ones to have a slump in numbers, as Bud Light’s sales dropped 24.3% year-over-year in the week ending 20th May. Around the time the beer giant allied with trans influencer Dylan Mulvaney…go woke, go broke…
Meanwhile our technocratic overlords intensified efforts to make you consume insects. Despite the public uproar for bug-based diets, the government invested £3.3 million in plant protein farmers Entocycle. Creepy crawly cuisine was clearly an issue that united political elites; the Labour government in Wales had also splashed out half a million on insect meals…for school children. May ended in a car crash…literally, as a car drove into the gates of Downing Street by a disgruntled Labour voter and trade union supporter who had also been charged with making indecent images of children. He previously urged his followers to “Vote #Labour”…
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It was a tumultuous first month for the newly elected Humza Yousaf, as his party faced a series of setbacks. Former SNP Chief Executive – and Nicola Sturgeon’s husband – Peter Murrell was arrested in connection with the fraud investigation into the SNP finances. The probe delved into the alleged disappearance of around £600,000 from the party’s coffers. Additionally, SNP Treasurer Colin Beattie found himself arrested in connection with the investigation. Despite all this, Sturgeon insisted her resignation had absolutely “nothing” to do with it. Humza’s financial headache got even worse with the looming risk of losing £1.15 million in short money for the party’s Westminster Group if a new auditor wasn’t found by May 31st. The situation was, in Humza’s own words, “certainly not helpful.”
The SNP wasn’t the only party to land in hot water, as Labour MP Diane Abbott had the whip withdrawn over comments she made in a letter to the Observer, where she implied that Jewish people couldn’t experience racism. She promptly apologised, attributing the “errors” to an initial draft being sent. However, true to form, Diane’s defence didn’t add up. She did submit two letters to the Observer, each separated by a few hours. Though both submissions were identical…
Another month, another loss for Jolyon Maugham, whose umpteenth defeat came in the Supreme Court, where attempts to overturn previous losses over government use of WhatsApp and private email servers were dismissed. The Good Law Project was also ordered to pay the government’s costs for the application. So used to losses, Jolyon managed to do it all by himself, as he publicly renounced his own reporting on Twitter – a post by the Good Law Project claiming potential conflicts of interest for Environment Agency chair Alan Lovell. It wasn’t all failure for Jo though, as he did entertain Guido with his book in which 6 pages were dedicated to the day Jolyon bludgeoned a fox, portrayed from the perspective of the killer himself. The chapter captured the tense moment with distressed chickens, an anxious fox, and a decisive blow from a baseball bat. Shakespearian…
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March kicked off with SW1 spiralling into a frenzy as details from The Telegraph’s Lockdown Files emerged. The investigation painted a poor picture of Matt Hancock’s pandemic handling and was based on thousands of his WhatsApp messages, leaked by Isabel Oakeshott. The headline finding was that in April 2020, Matt Hancock ignored the advice of Chris Whitty to test all people entering care homes, saying it “muddies the waters.” In addition to fudging the definition of tests so that 28,000 extra could be counted before they were even delivered, Matt was focused on securing publicity to boost demand -“I wanted to meet my target!” being just one notable text. Naturally, this meant giving an exclusive to his mate and former boss in exchange for a front-page splash. Oakeshott is still in hot water over the leak…
While Downing Street rallied round to fix that, Hunt delivered his first Spring Budget which was unsurprisingly long and uninspiring. Hunt overhauled pensions, benefits, and childcare in a push for growth, announcing £22 billion of higher spending and tax breaks in the next financial year. Meanwhile, 100,000 civil servants voted to strike on budget day, as well as BBC staff. A strike Guido could get behind…
Up North, Humza Yousaf was elected SNP leader, and Sturgeon’s husband Peter Murrell resigned as SNP Chief Executive. It wasn’t the only change in party politics. Chief Partygate investigator Sue Gray resigned from the Cabinet Office and joined the Labour Party to be Chief of Staff. Starmer was left squirming in his seat over the appointment, refusing to say when conversations with Gray first arose, and no wonder he was evasive. The Tories saw red over the appointment, with Paymaster General at the time Jeremy Quin slamming Sue Gray’s appointment, claiming it may have breached ACoBA rules. Boris noted how the Privileges Committee relied on Sue Gray on “26 occasions.” Last year, Gray was very upset with Guido for making her out “to be a Labour person, and it’s absolute crap.” Guido, as usual, was right…
Speaking of the unimpeachable Privileges Committee, March was a particularly busy month for them as Boris faced the Kangaroo Court for four hours on whether he misled Parliament over his knowledge of Partygate. Prior to Boris sitting in front of the Committee, the Kangaroo Court sat on evidence favouring Boris. Guido did some digging and found at least three occasions where evidence supported the central contention that Boris was advised by officials that all was compliant. The committee did not publish this evidence previously…
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February launched with a ‘mini’ Ri-shuffle, a mere four months after the last one. This time around, the shuffle was triggered by the sacking of party chair Nadhim Zahawi in late January, who failed to declare an HMRC investigation into his tax affairs. While expectations were for a “relatively limited” shuffle, it turned out to be anything but, as Rishi Sunak decided to break up the Department for Business, Energy and Industrial Strategy, the Department for Digital, Culture, Media and Sport, and the Department for International Trade. It wasn’t the only event in Number 10, as later on in the month Rishi unveiled his grand plan for the Northern Ireland Protocol, dubbed “The Windsor Framework,” touting it as a “decisive breakthrough.” Though it gave way to grumbles from staunch Brexiteers…
Venturing north of the border, the civil war over trans issues continued. Nicola Sturgeon found herself unable to definitively state whether the rapist was a man or a woman, prompting Alex Salmond to blast the self-ID law as “self-indulgent nonsense,” that set independence back years. To many pundits’ shock, Sturgeon then announced she would resign. The trans woes made their way southward, landing on Keir Starmer’s doorstep as protesters gathered outside the Department for Education, passionately shouting, “F*** Keir Starmer.” Classy…
Meanwhile, more bullying allegations against Dominic Raab surfaced, one of which claimed he once bullied civil servants with nothing more than “hard stares.” Apparently, those piercing gazes can be quite intimidating, prompting one civil servant to admit that Raab only bullied them in “hindsight”. Terrifying…
Labour, never one to shy away from pointing fingers, launched an attack on the Tory government for supposedly wasting taxpayer cash. The irony reached new heights when it was revealed that Starmer himself enjoyed a £160,000 chauffeured car service during his tenure at the Crown Prosecution Service. Guido unearthed more questionable spending during Starmer’s time at the CPS, including £600 on Christmas cards and a generous £7,000 on hotels for non-CPS staff. In the spirit of fairness, Guido also dug deep into the Shadow Cabinet expense files. Yvette Cooper and Ed Balls stood out, expensing an eyebrow-raising £2,000 for removal men to shuffle their furniture from house to house, all while splurging an additional £600 on food, £200 over the allowance. Guido reminded his readers of Rachel Reeves having her official credit card suspended by IPSA in 2015 after racking up a whopping £4,033.63 in invalid expense spending It would be remiss to forget Damian McBride’s boozed-up private jet flights, thousand-dollar bar bills, and lavish thousand-pound dinners…
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Rishi Sunak kicked off the political year with a keynote speech setting out his five pledges: halve inflation this year – tick, grow the economy – cross, make sure national debt is falling – Tories claims this is a tick, though Guido’s not so sure, reduce NHS waiting lists – cross, and pass new laws to stop small boats. When will flights get off to Rwanda again?
Going into the 2022 Christmas recess, Downing Street was desperate that a fortnight break from Westminster sleaze would allow for a reset of its operation by the new year. Though come January 1st, Labour MP Charlotte Nichols, shared a sexual harassment list of 20 MPs to a WhatsApp group used by fellow 2019 intake MPs. Guido was passed the list, confirming the breakdown of 11 Tories, 8 Labour and a single senior SNP frontbencher. Guido’s only surprise was that her list didn’t contain some more infamous names…
On the theme of appropriate behaviour, Guido revealed the Home Office’s woke briefing where the words “mate” and “homosexual” were cancelled. Staff are also warned to “use the right language” and to “be clearly and openly supportive”. God forbid you “assume the gender of a person’s partner“, or fail to “use neutral language“. The next day, Guido reported that Hunt had devised a crack down on woke waste across Whitehall after Conservative Way Forward’s report revealed “politically motivated campaigns” were costing the taxpayer more than £7 billion a year. Good luck getting the pen pushers to actually do their jobs…that month 100,000 of them decided to strike in February…
Meanwhile another trans rows erupted after a male rapist identifying as a woman ended up in a Scottish female prison, and the government decided to block Scotland’s Gender Reform Bill. It was a busy month for the Labour MP Rosie Duffield, who also often finds herself in trans rows. She was shouted down by the SNP in the Commons whilst defending Women’s rights, and then was briefed against by a Starmer aide, who said it would be nice if she spent more time in her consistency rather than ‘hanging out with JK Rowling”. Labour’s He-who-must-not-be-named “Head of Communications person” was Matthew Doyle, who denied to Guido that it was him who briefed against his own. That was untrue, as Guido revealed a recording of him doing just that. Guido’s exclusive recording was aired on Piers Uncensored, where ratings boomed to 40,000 viewers. Always happy to help…
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