Friday, August 27, 2010

Have You Seen This Man?

Back in June when David Cameron’s helicopter was diverted in Afghanistan, officials described it as a routine precaution. News this morning has emerged though that the PM was in a lot more danger than originally thought. Military chiefs are urging a comprehensive review of the Prime Minister’s security. It is believed they are seeking this man in connection to the attempt to shoot down the chopper:

Yeah, ok, it’s the last Friday of silly season…

Thursday, August 26, 2010

BrownAid

As the new parliamentary term and Gordon’s book launch approaches, Guido is hearing whispers as to his future plans. Given he has managed to turn up to work just twice since the election, it’s good news that the people of Kirkcaldy – might actually get the representation they deserve.

Apparently Gordon is taking soundings about standing in the Shadow Cabinet elections, specifically seeking the role of Shadow International Development Secretary. It would be a first if he actually won a contested party election… Andrew Mitchell must be quaking in his boots. Not.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Proof Gordon Is Wasting Money

Brown is, we are told, pounding out 10,000 words per day. If he were the “Fastest Typist In The World” (150 words per minute), then this would only take him 67 minutes of each day. Leaving him plenty of time to do those constituency duties which he claims he is still doing.

But Gordon isn’t the “Fastest Typist in the World”. Let’s assume he’s a ‘fast’ typist (40wpm), then his 10k marathons will be taking him four hours and ten minutes of each day. Assuming he is doing constituency work until, say six in the evening (as he is paid to do), then he’ll be working until around 11pm each night. Meaning he won’t see his kids. Which Brown professes not to do, so we must assume therefore that he’s letting his book time eat into his constituency work.

More than likely he’s officially a ‘slow’ typist (23wpm). In which case he’ll be spending seven hours and fifteen minutes of publicly paid time on his book. Even allowing him two or three hours for constituency work, that’s a pretty busy day. But those times are merely for copy taking…

What’s the average typing speed when someone is composing? Well, that’s just 19wpm. And how long would it take to compose 10,000 words if one is typing at 19wpm? On average, not taking account for poor eyesight and periodic fits of rage, it would take eight hours and forty-five minutes. Pretty much the same as a full working day, that the taxpayer, not Simon and Schuster is footing the bill for..

Maths via email from Stephen Bray

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Brown’s Unnecessary Minion

Though no longer a front-bencher, or even a participating Member of Parliament, Gordon has found it necessary to recruit a PPS. Alison McGovern, newly elected MP for Wirral South, has been appointed bag-carrier-in-chief . While he sits at home in Fife, rocking, back and forth, spinning his disastrous economic record, she will be working in Westminster on his behalf. Why can’t he do it? Guido recommends  she spend more time shoring up her own ultra-marginal constituency.

As suspected, Brown didn’t hang around for last night’s vote on the Education Bill. Welsh Lib Dem Jenny Willott is the only other mainland MP that has been completely absent from this session – she’s just had a kid. There are those that say Brown is having yet another dig at Blair’s post-Downing Street behaviour by staying on, but what is the point if he isn’t actually going to engage? At least Blair didn’t bother trying to pretend he still cared.

Gordon Lurking, Still Shirking Working

Rumours flitted on EyeSpy.MP that Gordon was on the parliamentary estate, Twittering politicos said he was seen at the end of the chamber during questions to Culture Media Sport Secretary Jeremy Hunt.

So he was, lurking briefly by the Speaker’s chair, greeting a few TaliBrown cronies before he went off to do violence to a keyboard banging out another 10,000 words of his “I Was Right” memoir.

Guido has yet to check the record, but suspects Brown did not bother to vote late last night on the Education Bill…

Monday, July 26, 2010

Gordon’s “I Was Right” Out in November

Gordon Brown’s as-yet-untitled tome on why he was right about everything and the nasty Tories got the global financial crisis all wrong will be published in November by Simon & Schuster. The fact all the profits will be donated to charity does not excuse the fact the taxpayer will be picking up the tab while Gordon taps the keys.

He is said to be churning out some 10,000 words per day, while moonlighting as a part-time MP. Despite popping into Westminster occasionally, he has entered the House he was elected to just twice since resigning as Prime Minister. Without a Member voting on their behalf, the people of Kirkcaldy are completely disenfranchised.

Gordon told Laura Kuenssberg at the weekend that he will remain an MP, but what use is he to his constituents?

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Friends in Nye Places

So Gordon made it along to Westminster to watch old Sue become Baroness Nye of Lambeth. Gordon’s newly domiciled dodgy donor Lord Paul even managed to put in a rare appearance in the Lords. As gatekeeper Sue would have had a lot of responsibility dealing with the hundreds of thousands of pounds Paul took from the pension funds of his steel conglomerate and threw Gordon’s way. Guido imagines he will be buying the drinks later, although his other close friend, Sarah Brown, won’t be joining the party… When Gordon comes down to London from Scotland, She’s goes from London to Scotland on a mystery “mini-break”.

UPDATE: Jon Craig had a view of Gordon:

…there he was, standing bolt upright and staring straight ahead at Sue, no smile, the sort of serious expression he used to display at the Cenotaph on Rembembrance Sunday. Once Sue had signed in, I ran downstairs to the Peers’ Lobby to see if I might bump into him and grab a word. But I failed. He had left the Lords chamber by a side door and I was thwarted. So, now I know he’s on the premises, will he turn up – and perhaps even speak – in the third reading debate on the Finance Bill?

Guido isn’t holding his breath…

A Peer Named Sue

Another day, and another swathe of new peers are being sworn into office and £300-a-day expenses. Still waiting for Lord Howard of Transylvania, but the big question today is whether Gordon will actually bother to show up to watch his long-suffering aide Sue Nye ennobled.

Baroness Nye of Rochdale?

After eighteen loyal years in the shadows, keeping out-of-the-way of Nokias, and keeping the rest of the world away from Gordon, her boss repaid her with blame for his own mess and weaknesses. The public got to see it spectacularly once, but who knows what else went on behind closed doors. Eighteen years of mad, bad and dangerous” work?

She deserves a medal…

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Don’t Go AWOL Gordon, Just Go

Gordon held a party at London Zoo on Sunday, he had another party at Labour HQ on Monday. He is becoming something of a party boy. He has even been seen smiling manically around Portcullis House and found time to meet and greet a visiting member of the Kennedy clan.

What about the job the taxpayers pay him for and the voters elected him to do? Nothing. He hasn’t turned up for a single vote. The man who promised in May to to get up every morning and fight for fairness every day didn’t vote against regressively raising VAT on the poor, didn’t speak in the budget debate, didn’t vote on the Finance Bill or show up for the opposition debate on jobs and the unemployed.

He should stand down and get a job he wants to do. Going AWOL is unacceptable.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Gordon Partying at the Zoo

Guido hears Gordon and Sarah have held another party besides the one at Labour HQ last night.  This was held at London Zoo in the Mappin Pavillion overlooking the wallabies and emus. It was a thank you for campaign helpers.  Sue Nye was there (without any bigoted women) as was Kirsty McNeill his 29 year-old lesbian chief-of-staff (a.k.a. Eva Brown since her speech writing days in the Downing Street bunker).

The zoo must be a favourite haunt for the Browns, the week before Sarah was there at an event as the guest of Lord Paul.

Incidentally, Channel 4 News’ Gary Gibbon has got his parties muddled up, it wasn’t last night, it was on Sunday.


Seen Elsewhere

What We Learned From the Referendum | FT
Scottish Crisis Moves South | Nick Wood
English Democrats Accidentally Celebrate Yes Victory | Pink News
Union In Its Current Form is Dead | Janan Ganesh
Labour Could Be Split in Two | Sun
Ashcroft Poll: Why Scotland Voted No | Buzzfeed
Boris: Change Barnett Formula | Sun
Cameron is Back | Dan Hodges
What Happens Now | James Kirkup
Cairo of the North | Quentin Letts
Labour are the Biggest Losers | Phil Collins


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Diane Abbott on the Daily Politics:

“Labour MPs will unite behind Ed Miliband, once we find out what our policies are.”



It was only a tiny tiny collision.


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