The jet-setting former Prime Mentalist claims eighteen times the amount of expenses asked for by value-for-money lowest claiming MP, despite the fact that he never turns up for work…

David Miliband is earning £500,000 a year and rarely takes part in the cut and thrust of Westminster any more, but that hasn’t stopped him from being one of the highest expenses claimants in the figures released by IPSA today. Miliband is the 20th greediest MP, trousering £170,500 in expenses over the last year. He needs it, they only pay him £116 a minute for his speeches…

Meanwhile the former Prime Mentalist claimed £127,197 despite the fact that he’s only spoken in one debate during the last twelve months.

Why are we paying so much for his travel when he never turns up?

A Labour MP has distanced herself from her mother’s call for a book burning of best-selling erotic novel Fifty Shades of Grey. Clare Phillipson, the director of a woman’s charity and mother of Sunderland South MP Bridget, frothed:

“Our concern is not the graphic depiction of sex – this is an abusive relationship presented as a love story. It normalises abuse, degrades women and encourages sexual violence. There is lots of abuse in the book, not just sexual abuse. Do millions and millions of women suffer from secret self-loathing? Do they all want to be treated this badly? Some of what happens in the book, Fred West did to his victims in his cellar. I fail to see what is erotic about that.”

Phillipson went on to refute the obvious comparisons:

“There’s an assumption that Nazis are the only people who burn books. What we are saying is, this book is rubbish and we would like to reduce it to ashes.”

When Guido spoke to Bridget about her mum’s S&M shocker, the Labour MP refused to be tied down by her parents’ strict views:

@MrHarryCole of course I don't—
Bridget Phillipson (@bphillipsonMP) August 24, 2012

Ouch…

Self-proclaimed Russian expert Denis MacShane has been sticking the boot in to the Conservative Friends of Russia today. There is plenty to attack CFoR for, but Denis was up to his usual trick of stretching the truth:

Tory Friends of Russia now saying Malcom Rifkind has nothing to do with their group.—
Denis MacShane (@DenisMacShane) August 22, 2012

Imagine Guido’s surprise when that turned out to be rubbish:

@DenisMacShane Sir Malcolm is our Honorary President and we are delighted that he is—
CFoR (@CFoR1) August 22, 2012

He just can’t help it…

Blogger and campaigner Mark Wallace is offering a generous reward for a brave upholder of the British justice system to set off the Ecuadorian embassy fire alarm and flush out Julian Assange.

The great and the good on Twitter have chipped in, and as we go to pixel the total stands at over £6,500.

Guido is heading towards Knightsbridge this evening…

Ever since he was revealed to have furiously hurled three Nokias at a Downing Street wall Gordon Brown has been the unofficial mobile phone throwing world champion. Until now…

The Prime Mentalist has cruelly had his top Team GB achievement taken away from him after Finland set a new world record for throwing a mobile. 18-year-old Ere Karjalainen launched his phone an impressive 101.46 metres, smashing Gordon’s previous personal best of the width of a room in Number 10. Guido is sure Brown would never let anyone take his gold away from him…

Team GB might have done the nation proud during the Olympics, but they needed to win a lot more medals if they wanted to earn back all the gold the Prime Mentalist sold off. Guido has done the maths:

Each gold medal contains 6g (or 1/5 oz) of gold.

This means five gold medals are needed to make one ounce.

Gordon Brown sold off 12.7 million ounces of gold.

5 x 12.7 million = 63.5 million gold medals.

At least the new Team GB did better than the old one…

The Prime Mentalist has caused a stir north of the border by recreating the famous opening scene from Chariots of Fire. Still dressed in a suit, Brown sprinted across a Scottish beach with former first minister Henry McLeish. A stunned eyewitness reported:

“They were suited and booted and I wondered if it was a photo call. But there were no cameras in sight. They carried on to the front of the beach and it looked as if they were making a line in the sand. Brown ran about 50 metres and then stopped. The others stopped for a second but then carried on and ran for another 300 metres.”

Knowing Gordon, they probably should have let him win…

Back during the expenses scandal it was revealed that Labour MP John Healey helped himself to £1,500 to replace his front door, £7,000 for a brand new set of windows and over £400 for two televisions. That’s not to mention the £88,000 profit he made from selling the flat he renovated with taxpayers’ money. Now Healey’s son Alex has done a Bercow, slamming the media for reporting the truth on Reddit:

The press can be so unfair…

The Curse of Cameron meme didn’t last very long, especially given Team GB had their most successful track and field day with the PM cheering them on in the stadium last weekend. What it did prove is quite how much Guido’s Jonah Brown campaign clearly got under people’s skin. The problem was that one was actually a real curse. So on that note, Guido is sad to say it’s not looking good for young diver Tom Daley, who having missed out on a medal already is taking part in the individual 10m diving tomorrow. This is what Sarah Brown just tweeted:

Will he be able to smash the curse of Jonah Brown?

Via @grimreaperblog