Sorry Obama Couldn’t Be Bothered, But Here’s James Taylor

John Kerry reaffirmed his status as international diplomacy’s leading pillock this afternoon with his excruciatingly embarrassing apology to France. After no senior American official could be bothered to attend the unity rally in Paris last week, John Kerry stowed James Taylor in his hand luggage for his visit to the French capital. Taylor was paraded at a press conference to sing “You’ve got a friend…” Which wasn’t at all awkward…

Guido’s World Exclusive Interview With Johann Hari

“Look,” said Johann, his dark eyes welling up with emotion. “I can talk to you about why what happened in my life happened. But I just think that’s a way of trying to invite sympathy, and that would be weaselly.

Thinking this was the moment, Guido leaned in closer to the disgraced former Indy columnist, waiting for that magic word to come from Hari’s lips:

“If you tell a detailed personal story about yourself, you’re inherently asking people to sympathise with you, and actually I don’t think people should be sympathetic to me. I’m ashamed of what I did. I did some things that were really nasty and cruel.”

“I’m very reluctant to go into a personal narrative and give the why,’ the disgraced columnist sighed. “Most people restrain their self-aggrandising and cruel impulses, and I failed to. I failed badly. I think when you do that, when you harm people, you should shut up, go away and reflect on what happened.”

Or say sorry, thought the interviewer…

“Going on about myself would just be arrogant and actually repeating being nasty, and that’s what I’m trying not to be. When you fuck up, you should privately reckon with the harm you have caused and you should pay a big price.”

And apologise perhaps, but still no…

Of course Johann Hari didn’t say any of this to Guido, but to Decca Aitkin of the Guardian.

See attribution isn’t so hard after all.

Apparently Hari is back promoting his new novel about drug addiction.

So much for shutting up and going away to reflect on what happened…

Brand ‘Threw Curry Sauce’ at Daily Mail Journalist… Then Tweeted His Mobile Number to 8.7 Million Followers

How does Russell Brand respond to a journalist asking him a question? By tweeting his mobile number to his 8.7 million followers. Guido has obscured the image, but Brand knows Daily Mail reporter Neil Sears’ phone will be ringing off the hook with nutters bombarding him with calls. Was there an ulterior motive? Guido is told Brand and Sears had a run in last week when the reporter doorstepped him to give him right of reply on a story he was planning on running. Brand then allegedly responded by throwing curry sauce all over him…

Goodbye Gordon – Never Forget the Greatest Hits

Gordon Brown will tonight finally announce he is making his lack of parliamentary attendance official by quitting at the next election. This website was taking the p**s out of the former Prime Mentalist way before it was cool, but with the old media doing their favourite McMental greatest hits today, Guido couldn’t resist. Never forget the curse of Jonah:

Or when the day the dam finally burst:

Nor when the public finally saw the two faces of the one-eyed son of a Manse:

So always cherish that expenses video smiling freak-out:

And regret when our nation’s leader was so hated he was booed by its veterans:

This soldier was having none of it:

Calling it ‘Obama beach’ did not help:

But thank you Gordon, for saving the world:

…and for picking your nose live on TV:

We’ll never forget when you forgot you were still an MP:

Or when you took yet another wrong turn:

Nor when the public finally got a glimpse of Psycho Gordon:

And when Andrew Marr asked the wrong bloody question:

And cherish the day Brown finally resigned:

So long then Gordon, you absolute loon. We shall miss you.

Eddie Izzard Returns to Form

eddie[1]Eddie Izzard is a backer of hopeless causes ranging from joining the euro, voting for Ken Livingstone, Gordon Brown, the Yes side in the alternative vote referendum and now of course Ed Miliband. Guido was therefore highly perturbed when Izzard managed to be, for once, on the winning side in the Scottish independence referendum thus devaluing his use as a negative predictive tool. Fear not, all is once again right.

After urging his Twitter followers to vote for the Democrats they had a bad night and the Republicans took control of the Senate…

Two Tier Westminster

Another stunning Gordon success.

Better Together

The body language was wonderful at this morning’s joint appearance between Darling and the former Prime Mentalist:

Did someone say ‘forces of hell’?

Pic via Alan Roden.

Gordon’s Scotland Book Selling As Normal

gb-uk They’ll be giving them away soon…

UPDATE: Banti @Khyberman found it in the fiction section

gordon brown scotland book half price

Lobby Snorts at Labour Lawbreaker Line

One question has been buzzing around today:

[…]

+ READ MORE +

Parliament Clap Map: Watson’s Constituency Top for Chlamydia

Guido has always thought Tom Watson was an irritating tw*t, but now new figures released by the government provide the stats to back it up. The Department of Heath has surveyed 16 to 24 year olds across the country and found the place* with the highest rate of chlamydia is Sandwell, which lies in Watson’s West Bromwich East constituency.[…]

+ READ MORE +

Brown UKIP Attack Attempts to Rewrite History

Unionists can pack up and go home: the Prime Mentalist has surfaced up in Scotland to launch Labour’s anti-independence campaign. McMental reckons he has worked out how to win round freedom fighters north of the border, laying into the party that has just won its first MEP in the country.[…]

+ READ MORE +

Axelrod Can’t Even Spell Miliband

Was it revenge for calling him Alexrod? At least he didn’t call him David.

 UPDATE: He’s also following the wrong Miliband Twitter account:

[…]

+ READ MORE +

Russell Brand’s Marxist Facepalm

Presumably that means Brand will be giving up his:

[…]

+ READ MORE +

Bigmouth Strikes Again: Watson’s Smiths Blunder

Ah Tom Watson. Ranting about the “Etonions” trying to “appropriate all the symbols of working-class culture from the 1980s”, Tommy builds to a crescendo of class war bilge over at Comment is Free:

“I understand why Cameron once wanted his photo taken outside Salford Boys Club, and take pleasure from the fact he will never be able to speak for the Adrian Moles of this world.”

Rather embarrassing then that the Guardian were forced to correct Watson’s attack – he got the location of The Smiths infamous album sleeve shoot wrong.[…]

+ READ MORE +

Jack Warner was Doomed

Former FIFA boss Jack Warner has today been exposed by the Telegraph for taking millions from a Qatari firm linked to the country’s successful bid for the World Cup.

He was doomed…[…]

+ READ MORE +

Free Coffee for Labour’s Mr Bean

Goofy shadow communities minister Andy Sawford became a laughing stock after demanding Waitrose stop handing out free coffees to their loyal customers. You have to wonder about the motives of an MP backed by a rival supermarket group, though Sawford might just want the public to pay for their brew.[…]

+ READ MORE +



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George Osborne paraphrases Boris, telling the FT:

“If the ball came loose at the back of the scrum, I wouldn’t fumble it”

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