Thursday, May 28, 2009

Jonah Blights Bounce Back, Crushes Man United’s Hopes

Hull is not the most economically successful region in the best of times.  Nevertheless yesterday morning the Hull Daily Mail launched a campaign for economic optimism in the face of a recession.  The first edition announced the support of the Prime Mentalist himself for the paper’s ‘Bounce Back’ campaign:Hull Bounce Back

“We all have a part to play in helping our communities survive this difficult period and I am pleased to see the Mail galvanising support around local businesses with the launch of the Bounce Back campaign.

The 350,000 small businesses in the region are the lifeblood of the area’s economy.”

Inevitably the late edition of the Hull Daily Mail reported bad news for jobs and the local economy as the curse of Jonah Brown saw 349 jobs lost from a Hull food factory after Northern Foods announced plans to cease production at the plant.  All are cursed who take the words of the one eyed son of the manse…

UPDATE : If only Guido had noticed this he would have put his communion money on Barcelona. The Prime Minister’s Spokesman told the Lobby yesterday afternoon that

… the Prime Minister expected and looked forward to watching the match later today when he returned to Downing Street from his visit. Asked if he had sent a message of goodwill, the PMS said that it went without saying that he would always want a British team to win any such match.

Poor the reds…

Quick reminder of Jonah Brown’s cursing of British sporting internationals:

When England were knocked out of the 2006 World Cup against PortugalJonah was there. When they lost 2-1 at Wembley against GermanyJonah was there. When Scotland lost to Italy- Jonah was there. When England lost the rugby World Cup finalJonah was there.

Beware the curse…

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Has Nick Brown Just Twittered the Election Date?

Ooops

Good spot by Tory Bear, this is apparently his first Twitter and is supposedly a genuine reply to Austin Mitchell MP.  Get ready, Nick Brown is one of Gordon’s most trusted confidantes…

UPDATE 12.10 : Nick Brown’s Twitter account has been deleted.  Think that suggests it was genuine.

Jonah Brown Visits Sellafield, Nuclear Leak Discovered

Jonah Goes NuclearThe Prime Mentalist visited Sellafield earlier this year (January 23). A report recently released by a Board of Inquiry reveals that on the very same day of his visit a radioactive leak was discovered.  Jonah’s curse goes nuclear.

Jonah World CupThe leak was classed as at “level two” on the Nuclear International Event scale – the highest at Sellafield in many years.  Not a good precedent for another international event – the World Cup.  This week Gordon held a photo opportunity to support England’s bid to host the 2018 World Cup.  So that is that jinxed, football definitely “won’t be coming home”…

Monday, May 11, 2009

Gordon Has His Own Powder Puff

Make UpThe Sun has got hold of  Gordon’s fashion tips.  According to a leaked typed guide sheet for the Prime Mentalist, his personal routine is;

1. Transparent Brush. Foam all over.

2. Small pot under eyes, dimple, creases, blend in.

3. Clinique. Super balanced make-up. All over again, like painting a wall, and ears. Shut eyes over lids then with make-up pad smooth over liquid.

4. Powder (dark brush) terracotta Guerlain, all over.

The mystery of  how Gordon ended up with a big orange blob on his forehead is solved…

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Day 2, Fightback Number 8

FightbackYesterday saw the beginning of another fightback for Gordon with him trying to get hold of the media narrative with a keynote speech on education.  Sky News covered Joanna Lumley speaking to a select committee in preference.  Prescott helpfully intervened – supportively pulling a face which he described as his impression of Gordon’s smile.  Guido wondered if it was in fact the face that Tracey saw at climax.  On Sky Breakfast this morning Eamonn Holmes and his guest (some kind of media adviser) were openly laughing at the Prime Mentalist.  Gordon’s twattishness is the only think we have to keep us smiling…

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Jonah Knocks Out More British Sportsmen

The Sun reported Gordon gushing “It’s going to be a tough fight but I know Ricky can beat anyone.  He will have the whole country behind him and I wish him the best of luck.” Ricky Hatton really didn’t need that  endorsement did he?

andy-murray-meets-gordon-brown1Hatton went down in the second round.  Out cold.

Andy Murray Meets Gordon BrownAndy Murray, Britain’s No. 1 tennis player, met  Jonah Brown in late April, the next week he crashed  out of the Rome Masters tournament in the first round. His worst result since last August. The curse struck again.

Fijime.comGlobally Gordon’s curse continues to wreak havoc in the third world.  The Fiji tourist board must be regretting ever seeking the endorsement of  the jinxed Prime Mentalist.  Guido has previously reported the effect on the local economy.  The Curse of the One-Eyed Son of the Manse has now seen Fiji suspended from the Pacific Forum due to the fact it hasn’t held elections.  Something Gordon has in common with the Fijian regime…

UPDATE : Nicola Burdett was hired from the BBC to prevent Gordon getting into embarrassing picture situations.  She must have had a day off today:

Gordon Swastika

Today was supposedly the beginning of the fight back…

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Sion Simon Does It Again

Sion Simon

He has now Tweeted:

Earlier I repeated a joke that was in poor taste, which I now regret. I apologise wholeheartedly for any distress or embarrassment caused.

That will win votes won’t it?  Insult the popular and much loved sensation of the moment.  His skills with video satire and political forecasting have been remarked on before.  He is best mates with Tom Watson, the Minister for Digital Engagement and Mudslinging.  It was Tom who encouraged Labour MPs to twitter.  When comes to twattishness, none can surpass Sion.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

I’m the Prime Minister, Get Me Out of Here

The chamber fell about laughing after Gordon made a twat of himself forgetting he had a statement to make:

UPDATE : In reply to the statement Dave said: “Can I thank the Prime Minister for making his statement…it was a close run thing”.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Jonah Brown’s Mexican Wave of Tragedy

Guido suspects that President Asif Ali Zardari of Pakistan is no fool, he saw what happened to the Mexicans after their President, Felipe Calderon, shook hands with Jonah Brown.  He acted in Pakistan’s national interest, cancelling a scheduled meeting with the Prime Mentalist.  What was the upside for Zardari in shaking hands with the manic, mincing madman?  Cancelling the meeting was his patriotic duty.

Mexico CursedLast month innocent little President Felipe Calderon of Mexico led a full state visit to Britain.  He happily shook hands with Jonah, he dined with Jonah, he spent time with Jonah unknowing of the fearsome risks. Inevitably within a month the curse hit Mexico hard.   Plague has come in the form of Swine Flu, taking the lives of over a hundred Mexicans so far.

EpicentreThe prolonged proximity to the presbyterian pestilence has brought double tragedy for Calderon’s people.  Already reeling from the swinish plague, Mexico has suffered an earthquake of magnitude 5.6 on the Richter scale.

“I’m scared,” Sarai Luna Pajas, a 22-year-old Mexico City resident, told the Associated Press news agency.  “We Mexicans are not used to living with so much fear, but all that is happening – the economic crisis, the illnesses and now this – it feels like the Apocalypse.” Pity the undeserving victims of the accursed, one-eyed son of the manse…

Friday, April 24, 2009

Bonkers Brown Bruising in the Bunker

The financial newswire Bloomberg is not known for sensationalism, it has an in-house rule that unattributable reports have to be double-sourced.  So bunker watchers can be confident that this report from inside the Prime Mentalist’s bunker is more than just hearsay:

The strain shows, say current and former Brown aides: Among other things, it has inflamed a temper that has always been the subject of gallows humor among those who work with him, they say.  The prime minister, 58, has hurled pens and even a stapler at aides, according to one; he says he once saw the leader of Britain’s 61 million people shove a laser printer off a desk in a rage. Another aide was warned to watch out for “flying Nokias” when he joined Brown’s team.

The ‘News Sandwich’
One staffer says a colleague developed a technique called a “news sandwich” – first telling the prime minister about a recent piece of good coverage before delivering bad news, and then moving quickly to tell him about something good coming soon.

Michael Ellam, the PM’s spokesman told Lobby copy-takers on April 14 that the news of Smeargate had made the Prime Mentalist “furious”. Guido wonders if they noticed any signs of bruising on the spokesman?


Seen Elsewhere

Comply or Die at Grauniad | MediaGuido
Labour Beats UKIP in South Yorkshire | LabourList
Mock the Week’s Weak Comedy | Nigel Farage
Can Jim Murphy Save Scottish Labour? | Guardian
There is Still Appetite for the Westminster Lunch | Jon Craig
Labour Turn Their Backs on Jewish Community | Dan Hodges
Chivalry is Not Dead | Laura Perrins
Jonathan Jones is a Tw*t | Iain Dale
Second Scotland Poll Suggests Labour Wipeout | Times
Paedo Probe Boss Urged to Quit | Sun
Keynesian Tories Won’t Eliminate Deficit | Tim Montgomerie


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