For some reason we haven’t seen much of Harrison over the last few days, but perhaps an answer to his plea for some non-trashy night life will be enough to coax him back into public. A new club night in Soho dedicated to polo, live music and champagne has just opened. It’s name? Chukka. Owner Siobhan MaGill reveals all:

“From this comment, it is clear that Chuka has not experienced the wealth of places London has to offer. We are one of the most diverse capitals in the world and certainly have a variety of venues to showcase this. We would therefore love to invite Chuka in to experience Chukka when we launch. We would invite Chuka in to experience our entertainment from the all-singing, all-dancing bar staff whilst he sips on a glass of fizz from London’s first Billecart-Salmon Champagne bar. If this wasn’t enough to get him dancing and to change his mind, we would encourage him to delve into our new equestrian themed fancy dress box.”

An offer he surely can’t refuse…

Guido thinks everyone needs cheering up a little. Here’s one way of comparing recent PMs…

On Radio 4 last night, Labour lobby fodder Jamie Reed revealed the solution to reforming the entire welfare state and recalibrating handouts depending on what people have paid into the system in the past. This huge, costed and clearly well thought out overhaul announced by Labour at the weekend will be paid for by, you guessed it, a tax on bankers’ bonuses:

Now correct Guido if he is wrong, but haven’t Labour already promised to spend money raised from a tax on bankers’ bonuses? He recalls promises to use it to reverse the VAT rise, increase capital spending, reverse Child Benefit cuts, reverse cuts to other Tax Credits, boost the Regional Growth Fund, turn empty shops into community centres and build more houses. After this thirty billion splurge, and the fact bankers’ bonuses have been severely squeezed, how much money does Jamie think will be left over?

Backbench dunce Ian Mearns wasted no time in sticking his oar in to the bitch fight between Tim Loughton and the anonymous @ToryEducation yesterday. The Member of the Education Select Committee must have thought he was onto a right wheeze up there on his high horse:

“This extraordinary attack is another example of derogatory language…. There is no place for these kind of personal attacks in public life. The Education Secretary needs to take action.”

Guido is looking forward to the poor delicate flower press releasing his concern about another Honourable Member’s sharp words last night. Brownite boot-boy Ian Austin went off on one at Greg Hands, amusingly about the very same Ian Mearns:

Even by @GregHands' cretinous standards, his witherings about labour front bench really are very stupid—
Ian Austin (@IanAustinMP) March 26, 2013

@GregHands No. My stone cold sober assessment of you is that you are one of the most stupid and unpleasant MPs I've met. I hope that's clear—
Ian Austin (@IanAustinMP) March 26, 2013

@GregHands Yep. I am. And the fact that you are the most unpleasant and one of the most stupid Tory MPs is Labour's official policy—
Ian Austin (@IanAustinMP) March 26, 2013

Entertainment is over for the evening. The football is over and @IanAustinMP seems to have passed out at his computer.—
Greg Hands (@GregHands) March 26, 2013

Guido has asked Mearns whether he is standing by his line that “there is no place for these kind of personal attacks in public life”. For some reason he has yet to reply…

Until today Adam Afriyie had not used his little known Twitter account since March 2011.

Last seen 23 months ago moaning about IPSA and bigging up his local carnival, now the great orator of his age has taken to sharing his sharp views on the budget online.

He even makes the brave decision to promote that interview:

Sunday's interview with @afneil on @BBCSPLondon can be watched here: ow.ly/jePVm (10 mins in)—
Adam Afriyie (@AdamAfriyie) March 20, 2013

His plan to oust Dave and George has failed, and now he’s playing Twitter catch up. Truly a leader in waiting…

In his slow-motion train-wreck leadership interview on Sunday, the over-coached yet under-prepared charisma by-pass known as Adam Afriyie boasted of the “efforts of my team around me.” This team presumably includes the media advisor he was putting feelers out for recently. Well he might want to sack whoever advised him that it would be fine to shut his eyes during a photoshoot for an interview. The front cover of this week’s Total Politics looks ridiculous. 

The Prime Mentalist is gracing us with his presence in the House tomorrow, having secured a debate about cleaning up radiation on a beach in his constituency. Let’s hope he puts in a little more preparation for his speech than he did for the written parliamentary questions he has been asking the Ministry of Defence recently. The replying Ministers politely pointed out that the MoD no longer owns the beach site in question and environmental issues are devolved to the Scottish government and are no longer Westminster’s concern. If he turned up a bit more, he might know these things…

Best wishes to the Prime Mentalist as he turns 62 today. Twelve months without speaking in Parliament, £6,000 and more on air fares at our expense, £300,000-a-month in cash that is definitely not paid to him, an attendance record to be ashamed of, landing his successor in it, not to mention the worst of omens for His Holiness.

And that’s forgetting Gordon’s Olympic nightmare and his – shall we say – awkwardness at the Leveson Inquiry. To celebrate, why not enjoy his greatest hits one more time…

What a difference a few years makes. Here is Ed Miliband in 2008, defending Gordon Brown’s abolition of the 10p tax rate:

“When you make a big set of changes in the tax system, some people do lose out. That is a matter of regret. Of course it is. But overall these changes make the tax system fairer.”

In 2008 he agreed it was fair, now Ed and Ed are landing their old boss in it. “Gordon Brown was wrong”…

Rare sighting of Gordon Brown (Retired) MP [PICTURE] http://t.co/gOA4ziW7—
Eye Spy MP (@eyespymp) January 29, 2013

Nice of the Prime Mentalist to show up for a vote concerning him keeping his own seat rather than, you know, speaking on the budget or a matter of national security.