This is going round on email. Guido thought he’d bring it to a wider audience.

It is Friday…

Kay Burely’s book “First Ladies” is finally upon us. Guido told you last year that it revolved around three completely and utterly fictional women and their love for an alarmingly Blair-like PM. Some of these women sound very familiar though…

There’s the “titian-haired” Sally Simpson, “a powerful magazine editor … in skin-tight Prada and killer heels, she is every man’s fantasy”; Valerie Jenson, a “deeply unhappy” and “weary first lady” who“spends her time drinking”; “sexy TV reporter Isla McGovern, who has caught Julian’s eye and will do anything (or anyone) to get to the top”. Rumour is there was a substantial re-write after horrified execs read a draft…

Media Monkey have got the extracts:

“Lithe and muscular, he effortlessly lifted her from the bed and onto his broad shoulders. Sally felt all the excitement and exhilaration of a fairground ride as he continued to offer intense pleasure before she was finally sated and he lowered her gently back onto the round bed. Julian flopped contentedly beside her.

“At that exact moment, Julian was expertly using his silver tongue to offer intense gratification to Sally as he held on firmly to her taut, tanned thighs, tightly gripped around his handsome face.”

Campbell, Blair and now Burley. What is it with the horrendous sex scenes recently?

Alison McGovern hasn’t had a glittering career outside of politics. According to her website she was head girl at school in 1998, don’t you know, then on to UCL. She worked briefly as a researcher at the House of Commons before going to spin for Network Rail. She was elected in May, and as Guido reported at the time, immediately promoted to the dubious role of Gordon Brown’s PPS. Though no longer a frontbencher, or even a participating Member of Parliament, Gordon found it necessary to recruit such a minion.

You would think that after Brown’s abject failure to turn up to Parliament to represent the people of Kirkcaldy, Alison would have quietly dropped the laughable non-job description, but no, she is still using it today to promote her role as a Labour Yes2AV spokesman. So how has Gordon been keeping his PPS busy?

The  job normally entails:

• Being with the Minister at all times in the Chamber and for meetings on the Parliamentary estate. Gordon has given one backbench speech in an adjournment debate since May 2010 and asked a handful of written questions.
• Liaising between Commons and your bosses Government department. Gordon doesn’t have a department.
• Controlling access to the boss for other MPs who want to see him. Would anybody be seen dead seeking Brown’s advice?

Many would argue there is little point to Gordon Brown in his current role, let alone his PPS.

The deputy Prime Minister (when he remembers) is set to be humiliated in the Barnsley by-election because, according to a survey in the Mail, the LibDems are looking likely to come fourth after coming second in the general election.

UKIP’s Jane Collins was ‘born and bred’ in Yorkshire, raised in Pontefract, the daughter of a miner and is the blonde who is set to land a bombshell on Clegg’s party.

Dan Jarvis (Labour) will cruise home with a wacking 63%, James Hockney (Conservative) will stay in double figures on 13%, Jane Collins (UKIP) on 9% could push Dominic Carman (Liberal Democrats) into a humiliating fourth place next to the BNP and other assorted loonies. The survey data shows the most former LibDem voters switching back to Labour. This will give Clegg party management problems with the left of the LibDems…

Now that the “Brotherly Leader and Guide of the Revolution of Libya”, or “Guide of the First of September Great Revolution of the Socialist People’s Libyan Arab Jamahiriya” is going the same way all socialist dictators go – mad and bad – Gaddafi must be feeling the pressure.

Galyna Kolotnytska is Muammar Gaddafi’s voluptuous blonde Ukrainian nurse, mentioned in a WikiLeaks cable from 2009. Apparently Gaddafi never travels without her and who could blame him. Wonder why… “Nurse!”

Guido had long suspected it to be the case, but it seems like Total Politics have made it official. Well sort of, Antonello Sticca who has been heading up a redesign of the magazine and website, came over from lesbian lifestyle mag Diva. Guido reckons more covers like these would get copies flying off the shelves. Shiny new website here…

There has been a notable absence in the Telegraph newsroom recently. Many a hack has pondered what happened to the editor’s secretary cum beauty columnist Jane Cullen. Not only has she disappeared but apparently her desk has gone too. Jane’s vanishing act coincided with the hunt for the source of the Cable-gate tape leak, including his infamous “war on Murdoch” rant, to Robert Peston.

While Rob Winnett was suspected after vocally challenging the paper not revealing the whole story, what a coincidence that Jane was also secretary to the previous editor, and Peston’s mate, thirsty Will Lewis. Guido has noted Lewis and Peston’s mutually beneficial friendship before…

UPDATE : Other Telegraph sources insist it was a regular reorganisation redundancy.

Michael Gove is getting a fair bit of stick in his tricky brief, but it’s not all bad news for the wily Education Secretary. According to his wife’s column in the Times the Member for Surrey Heath is in for Valentines treat. In an in-depth discussion about sexy underwear shopping to find something “flirty and colourful” for the larger breasted lady, Mrs Gove, AKA Sarah Vine, goes into almost Sally B levels of detail.

A quick peek at sexypantiesandnaughtyknickers.com, the designer of Mrs Gove’s choice, gives us pictures of the “Paradise“ set that she picked up. Sorry to ruin the surprise Secretary of State…

Westminster’s new couple Guido mentioned yesterday have topped Sky New’s most fanciable MPs poll. What coincidental timing eh. Watch out when reporting on Ms. Berger though. Guido hears she once threatened to sue Durham University’s student paper for describing her as buxom in a report about an NUS conference.

Girls:
1st: Luciana Berger
2nd equal: Harriet Harman & Caroline Flint
4th equal: Louise Bagshawe & Gloria De Piero
6th equal: Lynne Featherstone & Rushanara Ali
8th equal: Stella Creasy, Claire Perry, Priti Patel, Charlotte Leslie & Esther McVey

Boys:
1st equal: Zac Goldsmith & Chuka Umunna
3rd: Jeremy Hunt
4th: Andy Burnham
5th: Ed Balls
6th equal: David Miliband & Chris Kelly
8th equal: Dominic Raab & Nick Clegg
10th equal: John Denham, Jim Murphy & Tristram Hunt

As expected, the new intake dominated, but Guido is still trying to get his head around how Harriet Harman came joint second. Shudder…

The comments section has been rife for a couple of days with innuendo about vacuous pretty boy Chuka Umunna and ruthlessly mobile Luciana Berger. So Guido is a little annoyed to have been scooped by Nigel Nelson who broke the news that they are now a (power) couple. Apparently they have been secretly dating for a few months.

Though not his biggest fan, Guido has a word of warning for Chuka – watch your back. Ms. Berger is going places and knows exactly how to get what she wants. First it was dating Euan Blair in 2004 – what was it that first attracted this young ambitious party hack to a nerdy kid who can’t hold his beer?

Then there was her liaison with Siôn Simon that triggered an internal war in Labour after the then junior minister pulled strings to get the relative unknown a safe seat. She upset the locals and he was ditched for some other reason. And now the leader’s PPS. Ah to climb the greasy pole…