Page 3 Totty Back in Print

… In today’s Guardian…

Crosby Declares: “I’d S**k Off David Cameron”

It’s all go down under. In a wide-ranging pre-election intervention, the cast of Geordie Shore, MTV’s Newcastle-based genitourinary gorefest, have had their say on the party leaders. True blue Charlotte Crosby brings the PM some positive news, at last:

“I’d s**k off David Cameron”


One way to shut him up…

Theresa May’s Busty Budget Cleavage Divides Internet

How naughty of some social media users not to focus on George Osborne and his Long Term Economic Plan, rather debate the relative merits of Theresa May’s cleavage:

Even Edwina Currie got in on the action:

But the BBC coverage hardly helped matters, constantly panning the camera toward the Home Secretary. This is unedited footage:

We report, you decide…

Kensington Rumour Mill: Late New Entry

There’s a surprise new entry in the race to be the next Tory MP for Kensington: the glamorous union-slayer Simone Finn. Despite being an adviser to the Cabinet Office, Finn is not currently seen as the “Downing Street candidate” and has business background. But the mother of two is an old friend of Dave’s. Regular readers will remember her though as being central to Frankie Maude’s trade union reforms. She’s feisty…

Interview With Robyn Exton: The Most Famous Lesbian in Tech

 

In 2013 Robyn Exton launched “Dattch,” a lesbian dating app that allowed horny women to discover other like-minded women near by. This week the company pivoted and became “Her,” an all-encompassing lesbian app the aims to become the one-stop online space for queer woman worldwide. We caught up with Robyn to find out more.

Men are unsurprisingly banned from becoming users of “Her”…

Salma Yaqoob in Hijab Porn Shock

yaqoob hijab

Salma Yaqoob, the loony former leader of Respect, came to prominence as the hijab wearing Muslim woman elected to Birmingham city council. Yaqoob has just followed @DesiCruise10inc on Twitter, a porn account dedicated to posting adult pictures of “babes” wearing hijabs. Very adult (NSFW).

“The hijab is not about the denial of female (or male) sexuality. Quite the opposite… the aim of hijab is to de-emphasise sexuality in public interactions, whilst encouraging sexuality in private ones.” – Salma Yaqoob 

Not sure if that’s haram…

UPDATE: Salma Yaqoob has unfollowed @DesiCruise10inc

yaqoob update

One Peer A-Perving

  • Labour Lord’s Outside Interests in ‘High Class Escorts’ and ‘Humiliation’
  • Lord Berekely Insists I certainly haven’t used their services”

Labour Lord (Tony) Berkeley likes to keep up with his interests on Twitter. The former chairman of the European Rail Freight Association follows @EurostarUK, @RailfutureFret, @RMTunion and, er, @MidwestEscorts. The ‘High Class Escorts’ twitter account belongs to a Kansas City based escort service who regularly tweet out saucy pictures of the ladies on their books.

3

Lord Berkeley also follows @rana198888, an account belonging to an Arabic “Queen” who regularly tweets very NSFW pictures of men being sexually humiliated that are far too graphic for a family site to republish.

Despite following just 240 accounts, a startled Lord Berkeley assured Guido over the phone that it was “not bloody likely” that he had intentionally followed @MidwestEscorts and “I certainly haven’t used their services.” He thanked Guido for bringing Midwest Escorts to his attention and will be unfollowing them with immediate effect. Always happy to help…

Too Pretty For Politics?

We wouldn’t have Mrs D any other way…

Mrs Danczuk: Harman “Categorically” Did Say Those Words

Harriet Harman is embroiled in another row this afternoon after councillor Karen Danczuk accused her of telling porkies. Yesterday Mrs D tweeted:

[…]

+ READ MORE +

Top Tory Caught With Host’s Au Pair at Dinner Party

Which top Tory recently shocked his dinner party hosts with his inability to keep it in his trousers during a north London kitchen supper? “Popping to the loo” halfway through dinner, the renowned lothario disappeared for so long that the host slipped upstairs to check everything was ok, only to find our mystery man boshing the au pair. […]

+ READ MORE +

Daylight Rubbery! Condoms in Venezuela Cost $755

Retailers in Venezuela will soon be wrapping up their businesses as the price of condoms in the joyless socialist dystopia climax at $755 a pack. The population is split and the secret police have been unsheathed to restore order, accusing businesses of running Trojan hoarding operations.[…]

+ READ MORE +

Lily Cole’s Taxpayer-Funded Website Descends Into Farce

lily-cole

Eyebrows were raised when millionaire supermodel Lily Cole was awarded £200,000 of taxpayers’ money in 2013 to fund her “altruism-based social network” Impossible.com. The doll-faced entrepreneur spent her share of a £10 million Cabinet Office fund called “Innovation in Giving” to develop an unholy mash-up between freecycle and Cragislist, where users can offer things to other people in exchange for a thank you.[…]

+ READ MORE +

Users of Gay Hook-Up App Grindr Infected

grindr

Grindr, the phone application that allows gay men to locate other gay men nearby, has been hit with a malicious attack that autodials a premium rate phone number when horny men fire up the app. Users have claimed to have been stung for £1 a second after a virus that appears to have been hidden in the pop-up advertising force dialled a premium rate number from their phone.[…]

+ READ MORE +

World’s Second Most Popular Porn Website Infecting Viewers

hamster

xHamster, the second most popular pornography website in the world with half a billion viewers a month, is infecting a huge number of its goggle eyed clientel with malware. The smut merchants at xHamster have been in the spotlight before for not protecting their viewers from malicious software, but according to one analyst, the past few days have seen computer infections originating from xHamster increase by 1500%.[…]

+ READ MORE +

Selfie Sticks Banned at UK Music Venues

selfie

Once upon a time they were the domain of the Asian tourist, but now they are so popular that nanny is coming for them. In a shocking clamp down on freedom, a group of major music venues have now banned “selfie sticks”.[…]

+ READ MORE +

Karen Danczuk To Quit Being Labour Councillor

Just days after slagging Ed Miliband off in the papers, we get this:

Sad face #selfie.[…]

+ READ MORE +



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Quote of the Day

Owen Smith backs one hour contracts but wants to abolish zero hours contracts:

“You need to give people a contract to say, ‘here’s what you will be working’. It could be one, but I’m saying it shouldn’t be zero, we should invert that emphasis.”

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