Carole Caplin is back and she’s on the rampage, suing the Mail for implying that she was “some sort of sexpot or randy masseuse”.

She claims that she gave Tony Blair, or “Toblerone”, as she used to call him, nothing more than a neck message. No “hanky-panky” or funny business, well apart from those flats in Bristol. Given that she has turned down millions to tell the story of her years with the Blairs, Guido wonders exactly where the money came from for such a high-profile pursuit.

The judge reserved her decision for a later day…

Songstress – turned – political – campaigner Annie Lennox tells the Staggers this week that she doesn’t want to be put in a box: “I have different hats; I’m a mother, I’m a woman, I’m a human being, I’m an artist and hopefully I’m an advocate. All of those plates are things I spin all the time.” Guido thought we weren’t allowed to mention Annie Lennox plating…

Guido is late to this one, but he wanted to pass on his warmest congratulations to man about town and Daily Telegraph Political Editor Andy “lock up your daughter” Porter, who finally tied the knot on Saturday. Many a maiden will be crestfallen at this news…

Guido’s wedding invitation must have got lost in the post, but he’s looking forward to the upcoming christening.

Very soon.

“Tory blogging is close to death” Melissa Kite announced back in 2007, “it’s been in intensive care for some time” she proclaimed. However it seems the Sunday Telegraph’s Deputy Political Editor has had a change of heart. She took to her very own Tory-blog today to defend the Prime Minister.

Inevitably it fell upon Melissa, she of Tamzin Lightwater fame, to write the “hooray for Flashman” piece in defence of Dave. The Lobby, and Labour are loving the bully analogy, but it seems Melissa isn’t the George MacDonald Fraser fan it would first seem.

Melissa writes:

“He is, by his own unapologetic description, “a scoundrel, a liar, a cheat, a thief, a coward and a toady.” But, and it’s a big but, Flashman always wins the day. He invariably lands on his feet and, through a combination of luck and cunning, ends up being acclaimed as a hero.”

Which Guido can’t help but notice is remarkably similar to a certain Wikipedia article:

“…by his unapologetic self-description “a scoundrel, a liar, a cheat, a thief, a coward—and oh yes, a toady.” Fraser’s Flashman is an antihero… and yet, through a combination of luck and cunning, usually ends each volume acclaimed as a hero.”

Blogging would be close to death if we were all that lazy Melissa. 

Guido is off to the Excel centre to watch the No Campaign votes pour in. The Prime Minister said this morning that “there will be no celebrating, there will be no congratulations.” He also made it clear on Thursday that he wasn’t part of the official No campaign, so Guido’s not sure they will  be acting on that particular memo…

With YouGov polling people who voted yesterday and finding a 62%/38% No win it could be a long night…

UKIP have come up with a novel way of appealing to the voters of Bangor. Northern Irish model, Laura Lacole has lent her assets to their North Down candidate in the Assembly elections, Dr Fred McGlade, and UKIP Deputy Leader Paul Nuttall MEP:

Guido expects a strong swing. 

Not a good day for council candidates. This is Dave Walsh, the Green Party candidate in the Portslade ward of Brighton. Dave is a former MOD staffer and web developer by day, but at night it seems he has a slightly more lucrative career. Guido has blacked out some parts of Dave’s profile on “Sleepy Boy”, an “escort” service website:

The Greens are spinning this as “a practical joke” being played on their candidate and the profile has been pulled. But how exactly did this “practical joker” get the full frontal shots and the gagged and bound photos exactly? Like Bill Clinton was caught out by a “defining feature”, Guido is sure the exceptional amount of detail provided about Dave’s gentitals could only have come from the man himself.

In case you are interested, Dave charges £50 for the hour, £80 for two or £120 for the night. Does he realise under the Greens’ socialist policies he would be taxed until the pips squeaked on such a lucrative income? 

UPDATE: The national Green Party press office are standing by the “it’s a joke profile” line. The regional office is closed, which is helpful. Perhaps they could then explain if this was “a joke from eighteen months ago”, why Dave’s profile was recently updated to inform punters that he was “free anytime over Easter”. That’s one way of getting to know the electorate.

What has Dave unleashed? There are those that say The Telegraph has dumbed down in recent years, and those that can see that the Guidoisation of the media is almost complete. Colonels will be doing a little more than choking into their corn flakes when they see the latest from Assistant Comment Editor Lucy Jones:

Well Lucy, Guido can put you out of your misery. They were in fact Lisa Nandy’s boobs. Who, he hears you cry? One of Miliband’s, until recently, rather bland, new-model rent-a-mob.

The Style section isn’t normally the first bit of the Sunday Times that Guido reaches for, but thankfully this one didn’t go unspotted. Agent Provocateur’s new lingerie range has been apparently been styled on Maggie:

The designer said her delicate bow and a “little bit of pleated shawl that goes around your bottom” was “quite racy, but I like to think she might have worn that underneath her suits.” So does Guido…

Political leaflets only tend to raise eyebrows in this country when they end up going through the courts, or feature a particularly hilarious LibDem bar chart. Guido thinks we should take a lesson from Sole Sánchez Mohamed, head of the Partit Democràtic de Ciutadella on Spain. She has presented the electorate with “two great arguments” on why she should be elected.

Guido’s sold.