How FIFA Tried To Distract the World at Its Annual Conference Today

14 FIFA officials have been charged with corruption and their President is facing calls to resign, but that hasn’t stopped football’s governing body from rolling out the red carpet for the opening ceremony of its annual conference today.

Maybe they were hoping the FBI would be distracted by their glamarous host:

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Or perhaps these scantily clad female dancers:

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If not, there was this dude singing Swiss power ballads:

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With a ballerina:

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And this lady blowing some sort of Swiss national horn:

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And this guy playing the drums:

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All culminating bizarrely with a lady pirouetting in a circle again and again:

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And fire. Lots of fire.

You wouldn’t know their bosses had just had their doors kicked down in morning raids, would you?

BoJo: I am Back

Bow down… but seriously, check out that sexy look from Rees Mogg. Ohhh.

Energy Minister Totty Watch Continued: Dutch Edition

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Continuing our current series of saucy energy/environment minsters, Gaia is pleased to introduce Melanie Henriëtte Schultz van Haegen-Maas Geesteranus. She may have been named after an exotic ice-cream, but the Dutch Minister of Infrastructure and the Environment ain’t no soft scoop when it comes to pushing through her pro-cycling agenda. She famously refused to back legislation that would have forced cyclists to wear helmets and banned them from texting on the go. Green suits her…

Silvio Berlusconi Joins Instagram

So, Silvio Berlusconi has joined the picture sharing social media network Instagram and is uploading pictures of himself with his dogs Dudu, Dudina & Harley:

The other recurring theme so far appears to be his 28 year old girlfriend Francesca:

Insta-bunga!

Joanna Shields Shuffled Upstairs as New Internet Safety Minister

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Digital Dave’s technology guru Joanna Shields has left her role as chair of Tech City UK and will be shuffled upstairs as the new Minister for Internet Safety and Security. Baroness Shields, who once headed up Bebo, Facebook Europe and Google for Europe, Middle East and Africa, left the private sector at the peak of her career to take up a cushy £115,000 job as CEO of Tech City. Cynics have suggested that Shields planned on using the role as a stepping stone for feathering a seats-on-boards-of-companies nest…

Shields’ three year tenure as CEO saw her bolster her reputation for turning up to government meetings with perfectly coiffed hair and expensive shoes, while the taxpayer-funded Tech City conitinued on a mildly successful PR campaign to rebrand East London as Britain’s Silicon Valley. The PM duly rewarded Shields for her service with a Peerage, and now she’s in government. Keep an eye out for Techno’s runners and riders to be the new chair…

Lucky Palestinians Finally get Chance to Hook Up with Hot IDF Babes

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Good news! Palestinians yearning to hook up with hot IDF babes finally have the chance to make their dreams come true following the introduction of Verona, a dating app that connect Israelis and Palestinians. Pitching itself as the Tinder for sectarian divide, Verona aims to promote peace in the Middle East “one swipe at a time.No longer just a stones throw away…

Douglas Alexander Loses His Seat

Labour’s campaign chief is out:

Meet the new ‘Baby of the House’:

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Mhairi Black, the 20 year old SNP candidate. The youngest MP since 1667…

Lagos Lovely

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In our continuing series on hot looking energy ministers we bring you the current President of the Organization of the Petroleum Exporting Countries (OPEC) and Nigerian Minister of Petroleum Resources Diezani Alison-Madueke. Diezani is the brains behind Nigeria’s plan to remove state subsidies on fuel prices – a sound free market leaning policy reform. The fabulous minister is rumoured to have a taste for luxurious hotel suites and private jets. She can join our cartel anytime.. 

See also: Nuclear Totty and Phwoarr

More Censorship From the Politically Correct ASA

The censorious bunch of self-appointed bureaucrats at the Advertising Standards Authority have targeted anti-gay marriage adverts, anti-environmentalist advertsFathers4Justice adverts and pro-hanging adverts in their insidious campaign against politically incorrect causes.

Now Chris Smith’s bloated regulator has decreed that a weight loss advert featuring a woman in a bikini can no longer be shown on the London Underground.[…]

+ READ MORE +

Energy Minister Totty Watch (Continued)

GEORGIA TOTTY

Yesterday after after we asked in relation to Ségolène Royal, “Is there a hotter looking energy minister anywhere in the world?”, Katrina Kelly of the World Energy Council got in touch to complain:

[…]

+ READ MORE +

Nuclear Totty

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France’s Energy Minister, François Hollande’s mère du bébé Ségolène Royal is on smoking form at the moment, pushing for a new generation of Nuclear Power plants. By replacing the aging power stations France will position itself as the global leader in cheap, safe and clean energy.[…]

+ READ MORE +

Data Shows Miliband Less Sexy Than Coalition Leaders

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It is not so #SexyMiliband according to a YouGov survey bring further proof that we have passed peak #SexyMiliband. Nick Clegg is the housewife’s choice, Cameron is sloppy seconds. Ed comes a distant third just ahead of Nigel Farage.

MiliFandom is clearly a minority interest…[…]

+ READ MORE +

Karen Danczuk’s St George’s Day Message

An exclusive St George’s Day treat for Guido readers, courtesy of the dragon-slaying Mrs D:

More like St Phwoarrr-ge’s Day![…]

+ READ MORE +

#MiliFandom: Fantasy versus Reality

Is Miliband sexy? We report, you decide… 

The fantasies:bedmiliband

The reality:
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Guido suspects this mass hysteria was triggered by Caitlin Moran in The Times last week (Are women ‘perving’ over Ed Miliband?) and the Daily Mail (Red Ed’s VERY tangled love life). […]

+ READ MORE +

Totty Watch: What the Hens Really Thought Of Ed

[gigya src=”https://abfiles.s3.amazonaws.com/swf/audioboom_default_player_v1.swf” style=”background-color:transparent; display:block; min-width:300px; max-width:700px;” flashvars=”image_option=small&imgURL=https%3A%2F%2Fd15mj6e6qmt1na.cloudfront.net%2Fi%2F14130181%2F300x300%2Fc&link_color=%2358d1eb&mp3Author=jeremywils0n&mp3Duration=10240.0&mp3LinkURL=https%3A%2F%2Faudioboom.com%2Fboos%2F3101829-ed-miliband-terrified-of-hens&mp3Time=09.30am+20+Apr+2015&mp3Title=Ed+Miliband+Terrified+of+Hens&mp3URL=https%3A%2F%2Faudioboom.com%2Fboos%2F3101829-ed-miliband-terrified-of-hens.mp3%3Fsource%3Dwordpress&player_theme=light&rootID=boo_player_1&show_title=true&waveimgURL=https%3A%2F%2Fd15mj6e6qmt1na.cloudfront.net%2Fi%2Fw%2F2378537″ width=”480″ height=”150″ allowFullScreen=”true” wmode=”transparent”]

According to one attendee on LBC this morning “he looked terrified, absolutely terrified. And he wouldn’t actually come off the bus. He was just kind of lingering on the steps, waving sort of tentatively.”

Which reminded Guido of this:

Ed Miliband, stud muffin.[…]

+ READ MORE +

“Grip Me, Whip Me!”

Here is “operatic champagne socialist” Melinda Hughes – riding crop and fishnets included – in Guido’s favourite musical election special yet.[…]

+ READ MORE +



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Quote of the Day

Heather Wheeler talks to Burton Mail about her tweet…

“It was a tongue in cheek pop after the European Parliament tweet – it was purely that. I also wanted to congratulate Team GB on a brilliant result and thirdly congratulate the Commonwealth countries who also did very well. Fourth, I am also looking forwarded to establishing new trade agreements. That was it – nothing more. Let’s just enjoy the summer!”

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