Totty Watch: Sky News Top Trumps 2011
Luciana Stays On Top – Chuka Came Second, For a Change

No real surprises at the top of this year’s Sky News Totty Top Trumps. Action man turned Labour by-election victor Dan Jarvis topped the lads with a 96% sexy score. Ed’s sacked PPS and recently dumped pretty boy Chuka Umunna came second for a change. Small, but perfectly formed, Tory Dominic Raab was hot on his heels, before David Miliband and the Prime Minister with 84% and 81% respectively.

Over to the ladies and Luciana Berger stays on top with 90%, closely followed by the Tory onslaught of Charlotte Leslie (83%), Louise Mensch (76%), Penny Mordaunt (75%) and Priti Patel (74%). Finally Gloria De Piero is bringing up the rear with 72%. Guido hasn’t got his set in the post yet, but no doubt there will be a repeat of last year’s scotch-fuelled drinking edition in Manchester and Liverpool…

Draper Back, Forgiven By Some

The Telegraph broke the news yesterday that Guido’s favourite disaster-zone – Derek Draper – is back with his new political publishing outfit Ruskin. Iain Dale must be shaking in his boots…

If Dolly was hoping to launch with a bang, Guido would have recommended publishing a book that will appeal to more than just a particularly dull subsection of the New Statesman readership. Though having said that, those well known cash splashers The Guardian have already bought the serialisation rights to Rowenna Davis’s Tangled Up In Blue – a critique of Blue Labour. Since Blue Labour seems stillborn the book must surely be something of a post mortem. Guido was a little surprised Ms. Davis would be so willing to rekindle her professional relationship with Draper after what she said about her previous encounters:

“When I first met the site’s regular editor Derek Draper and his all-male staff to discuss potential questions for an online survey, he suggested with a grin that I ask “Is domestic violence always wrong?” and then spent the rest of the afternoon trying to set me up with James Purnell.”

And that was before Guido leaked Draper’s emails discussing her merits with his close personal friend, James Macintyre:

From: Derek Draper
Sent: 03 March 2009 15:19
To: James Macintyre; Roger Liddle

what’s the answer, though?

(if you are single you should pop in here on friday morning as we have the delectable rowenna davies here guest editing labourlist for international womens day)

fowrad to a harman led labour party

x

From: James Macintyre
To: Derek Draper; Roger Liddle
Sent: Tuesday, 3 March, 2009 15:15:49

He is very tall, handsome in a bookish sort of way. Very █████ and █████.

I am very much single and in need to remedy that. I ███ █████ ███ ██ Friday – who is this woman? Otherwise will have to try and pull Harman..

x

From: Derek Draper
Sent: 03 March 2009 15:26
To: James Macintyre; Roger Liddle

he sounds like a queer

(she says she’s a freelance journalist, quite lefty, very beautiful)

From: James Macintyre
To: Derek Draper
Sent: Tuesday, 3 March, 2009 15:24:35

well you called her delectable then appeared not to know her – anyway i see she is now v v fit – ridiculously beautiful – why she editing it – so you can look at her?

NO BECAUSE I AM LEADING A RADICAL OONLINE MOVEMENTA ND I HAVE ALWAYS EMBREACED THE FEMINIST CAUSE

thanks for emailing the labour woman – please let me know what her response is however negative – even if she says “i have heard he is a total wanker” as i know she will reply to you. x

Needless to say Macintyre was unsuccessful on his mission. Although Draper will apparently be keeping a low profile, he has been seen on the terrace with Gloria Del Piero with increasing frequency of late. Guido would like to take this opportunity to welcome him back to the scene. Oh how we have missed you…

Snorting Sarah’s Sexy Secrets

It seems Coke & Sex Week has gone international, with another prominent right-winger’s past being flung into the public eye. This one is going to be huge. Sarah Palin is accused of having a one night stand in 1987, behind her soon to be husband’s back, with 6ft 7in NBA player Glen Rice. The tryst allegedly took place in her sister Molly’s dorm room at the University of Alaska. Palin was a sports reporter at the time. However that’s not all:

“The Rogue: Searching for the Real Sarah Palin by the respected if controversial author, Joe McGinniss, claims Palin was seen snorting cocaine off the top of a 55-gallon drum while snowmobiling with friends. It also alleges she smoked marijuana with a professor while at Mat-Su College in Alaska.”

Brad Hanson, Todd Palin’s business partner is also accused of sleeping with the former Alaskan governor in 1996. Unlike with a certain Tory Chancellor, at least it seems Palin wasn’t so stupid as to be caught grinning in front a plate of charlie. This might not go down so well with the hockey moms, but Guido is certainly amused…

Larry Is In Love

Forget PMQs, forget NHS reform, forget the 5op tax rate, forget the abortion debate, Paul Waugh has today’s biggest breaking news – Larry the Downing Street cat is a bit of a lad:

“Maisy, the cat kept at the St James’ Park keeper’s cottage, has hooked up with Larry. Insiders relate that the PM’s moggy goes out all night and spends much of the day sleeping off his exploits”

Pussy galore!

Tory MP’s Model Daughter and the Facebook Mob

Just when the Tories abandoned their plans to ban Facebook, you can bet one backbench MP is cursing social media after a hundred-strong mob crashed his daughter’s party at their £2.25 million home. Neighbours described the event as “very noisy” and “an awful experience”. Kirby has a slender 1,328 majority…

Aspiring model Briony Kirby, daughter of the Tory MP for Brighton Kempton, Simon Kirby, called the coppers as the gatecrashers got out of hand. Her mother, who was on holiday when things got out of hand, told the Mail “These days, you have Facebook and mobile phones. You’re just stumped.” Ban it!

Totty Watch: Right Wing Headbanger

Guido had to chuckle at this clip dug out from an episode of MTV’s Headbangers Ball by Total Politics. Check out everyone’s favourite party girl turned MP, Louise Mensch, in all her nineties glory:

Guido also found this one in the Oxford student newspaper archives:

LibDems Like Strippers After All

Simon Cooper has been the LibDem HQ “Digital Media & Content” techie since June. His CV has all the hallmarks of a self-made social media guru, yet he seems to have fallen at the first hurdle. Any good web advisor would of course recommend a good clean-up of a personal Facebook account and a tinkering with the privacy settings:

What would LibDem Equalities Minister Lynne Featherstone have to say about all this?

Well funnily enough:

Guido understands the social media world this is technically considered “a fail”.

Bryony Gordon is in Love with Handsome Journalist

Blog favourite Bryony Gordon has taken to the pages of the Telegraph to declare her undying love for a fellow hack. She describes in detail how smitten she is with this “beefcake, hunk, my hero”. And who is this “chiselled god of news” that sends her weak at the knees?

Sky’s riot hero Mark Stone, of course, who else?

Apparently They’re All Sexy MPs

Belligerent old socialist Paul Flynn has come out with a corker with his updated Westminster survival guide:

“For reasons that are inexplicable, MPs – even the most superficial, unattractive, mis-shapen ones – are attractive to the other sex. It

[…]

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Scandalous European Parliament Email Triggers Gossipping

The following was sent to over 6,000 European Parliament email addresses this morning. As far as Guido’s Euro-sources can tell, it’s the real deal. The official who sent it had been off ill, came in today to send the email, […]

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How to Handle a Story

It’s rare that a press release makes Guido laugh. Normally it would take the fake exchange of kind words between a PM and a outgoing Cabinet member, but Louise Mensch’s hit the mark.  This allegation was put to Mensch, née […]

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Suspicion That Surely Sophie Sutcliffe Saw

Awkward questions about Labour’s Shadow Culture Minister Ivan Lewis, aides and mobile phones are nothing new, however Guido has been musing that his current choice of Political Advisor might be a little more damaging than his sex-text-pest past. Given […]

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OZBOT VERSUS ANDROGENOID OZBOT VERSUS ANDROGENOID
EDDIE IZZARD’S HOTEL BILLS NOT LAWFULLY DECLARED EDDIE IZZARD’S HOTEL BILLS NOT LAWFULLY DECLARED
POLITICAL PARTY RICHLIST POLITICAL PARTY RICHLIST
EU PLOTS TAX ID NUMBERS FOR EVERY EUROPEAN CITIZEN EU PLOTS TAX ID NUMBERS FOR EVERY EUROPEAN CITIZEN
MUNT ADMITS SHE DIDN’T DECLARE LOCAL CAMPAIGN TRANSPORT MUNT ADMITS SHE DIDN’T DECLARE LOCAL CAMPAIGN TRANSPORT
OZBOT VERSUS ANDROGENOID OZBOT VERSUS ANDROGENOID
“Fat Cats For EU” “Fat Cats For EU”
“CHEATED” LIBDEM PICTURED CAMPAIGNING ON BATTLE BUS “CHEATED” LIBDEM PICTURED CAMPAIGNING ON BATTLE BUS
CHRISTINE HAMILTON HIRED ON THE PUBLIC PAYROLL CHRISTINE HAMILTON HIRED ON THE PUBLIC PAYROLL
CONSERVATIVES IN: SPOT THE DIFFERENCE CONSERVATIVES IN: SPOT THE DIFFERENCE
HULL UNIVERSITY THIRD TO DISAFFILIATE FROM NUS HULL UNIVERSITY THIRD TO DISAFFILIATE FROM NUS
CAMERON’S AIRFARE FABLE CAMERON’S AIRFARE FABLE
TELEGRAPH BLOODBATH: NEW JOBS CULL UNDERWAY TELEGRAPH BLOODBATH: NEW JOBS CULL UNDERWAY
CCHQ FREEZE MPS AND ASSOCIATIONS OUT OF VOTE SOURCE CCHQ FREEZE MPS AND ASSOCIATIONS OUT OF VOTE SOURCE
OSBORNE MISSED BORROWING TARGET BY EVEN MORE THAN PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT OSBORNE MISSED BORROWING TARGET BY EVEN MORE THAN PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT
POLICE INVESTIGATING SHADOW MINISTER OVER ELECTION EXPENSES POLICE INVESTIGATING SHADOW MINISTER OVER ELECTION EXPENSES
TOOTING BY-ELECTION CAMPAIGN KICKS OFF IN BATTERSEA TOOTING BY-ELECTION CAMPAIGN KICKS OFF IN BATTERSEA
ELECTORAL COMMISSION ON JOCK-‘COPTER CAMPAIGN ELECTORAL COMMISSION ON JOCK-‘COPTER CAMPAIGN
STURGEON DUCKS CHOPPER QUESTION STURGEON DUCKS CHOPPER QUESTION
NUS CHIEF EXECUTIVE PAID FIVE TIMES AVERAGE GRADUATE NUS CHIEF EXECUTIVE PAID FIVE TIMES AVERAGE GRADUATE
CORBYN CLAPPED COMMIE LEADER FOR REFUSING TO TOAST THE QUEEN CORBYN CLAPPED COMMIE LEADER FOR REFUSING TO TOAST THE QUEEN
SNP CHOPPER NOT DECLARED PROPERLY SNP CHOPPER NOT DECLARED PROPERLY
SADIQ RAISES EU FLAG ABOVE CITY HALL SADIQ RAISES EU FLAG ABOVE CITY HALL
SAJ ‘PRIVATELY SAID HE WANTED TO LEAVE’ SAJ ‘PRIVATELY SAID HE WANTED TO LEAVE’
CRICK CRICK’D CRICK CRICK’D
EU WANTS CULTURAL QUOTAS ON NETFLIX AND AMAZON PRIME EU WANTS CULTURAL QUOTAS ON NETFLIX AND AMAZON PRIME
LIBDEM WHO COMPLAINED TO POLICE ABOUT TORY ELECTION FRAUD BROKE SPENDING RULES LIBDEM WHO COMPLAINED TO POLICE ABOUT TORY ELECTION FRAUD BROKE SPENDING RULES
LABOUR WON’T ALLOW CONFERENCE DELEGATES TO SELF-IDENTIFY LABOUR WON’T ALLOW CONFERENCE DELEGATES TO SELF-IDENTIFY
WORST BEATLES TRIBUTE BAND EVER WORST BEATLES TRIBUTE BAND EVER