Top Tory Caught With Host’s Au Pair at Dinner Party

Which top Tory recently shocked his dinner party hosts with his inability to keep it in his trousers during a north London kitchen supper? “Popping to the loo” halfway through dinner, the renowned lothario disappeared for so long that the host slipped upstairs to check everything was ok, only to find our mystery man boshing the au pair. All whilst the politician’s wife chatted away downstairs, completely oblivious to what was going on…

Daylight Rubbery! Condoms in Venezuela Cost $755

Retailers in Venezuela will soon be wrapping up their businesses as the price of condoms in the joyless socialist dystopia climax at $755 a pack. The population is split and the secret police have been unsheathed to restore order, accusing businesses of running Trojan hoarding operations. “The country is so messed up that now we have to wait in line even to have sex,” says a frustrated Jonatan “Johnny” Montilla, while Jhonatan “Johnny” Rodriguez complains that abortion is illegal: “without condoms we can’t do anything“. Just the tip of the unrest. Time to pull out?

Lily Cole’s Taxpayer-Funded Website Descends Into Farce

lily-cole

Eyebrows were raised when millionaire supermodel Lily Cole was awarded £200,000 of taxpayers’ money in 2013 to fund her “altruism-based social network” Impossible.com. The doll-faced entrepreneur spent her share of a £10 million Cabinet Office fund called “Innovation in Giving” to develop an unholy mash-up between freecycle and Cragislist, where users can offer things to other people in exchange for a thank you. The “gift economy” didn’t catch on…

turtle

So what does a self-styled tech-vixen do when she still has government cash burning a hole in her pocket and a desolate wasteland of a website that needs to keep going for the sake of keeping up appearances? It seems that Impossible is now focusing on beefing up it’s blog content, with recipes for split plea soup, articles called “The Importance of Connecting with your Heart” and more:

Austerity? What austerity?

Users of Gay Hook-Up App Grindr Infected

grindr

Grindr, the phone application that allows gay men to locate other gay men nearby, has been hit with a malicious attack that autodials a premium rate phone number when horny men fire up the app. Users have claimed to have been stung for £1 a second after a virus that appears to have been hidden in the pop-up advertising force dialled a premium rate number from their phone. It’s not unusual for sex themed websites to be targeted by virus packed adverts, but it’s less common in major phone apps which tend to avoid bombarding users with pop-ups. Grindr however doesn’t have an aversion to annoying users with invasive advertising – a policy which, combined with the iPhone allowing autodialling without user authorisation, has left its users out of pocket.

While Grindr say they are addressing the issue, the premium number attack has reportedly been active for over a month. It’s quite probable that Grindr, which has 5 million users, was specifically targeted because of the embarrassment many of those users might feel when chasing up the issue with their phone provider. A severe dose of iClap…

H/T: El Reg

World’s Second Most Popular Porn Website Infecting Viewers

hamster

xHamster, the second most popular pornography website in the world with half a billion viewers a month, is infecting a huge number of its goggle eyed clientel with malware. The smut merchants at xHamster have been in the spotlight before for not protecting their viewers from malicious software, but according to one analyst, the past few days have seen computer infections originating from xHamster increase by 1500%.

Attackers are taking advantage of a recently discovered vulnerability in Adobe’s Flash player to infect the computers of online erotica aficionados who click on advertising on the xHamster website with the Bedep trojan, a virus that constantly downloads new viruses the victims computer.

Techno Guido recommends using protection..

 

Selfie Sticks Banned at UK Music Venues

selfie

Once upon a time they were the domain of the Asian tourist, but now they are so popular that nanny is coming for them. In a shocking clamp down on freedom, a group of major music venues have now banned “selfie sticks”. The O2 Academy Brixton, London’s O2 Arena and the SSE Wembley Arena are now stick free zones. These extendible poles allow users to take self photos from new and exciting angles have become something of cultural phenomenon recently. While the venues still welcome selfie taking, the use of elongated aids have been forbidden on health and safety grounds. A real blow to cleavage shots.

Karen Danczuk To Quit Being Labour Councillor

Just days after slagging Ed Miliband off in the papers, we get this:

Sad face #selfie.

Familiar Ring to Labour Spin

Labour were very quick to get a quote out about the 4Children charity childcare survey this morning, swiftly claiming the report showed “under David Cameron, childcare costs have rocketed by 30 per cent since 2010. Wages are down by £1,600 and the availability of childcare has plummeted”. Ed Balls’ spinmeister Alex Belardinelli had a particular interest in plugging the story, too:

By some strange coincidence, who is 4Children’s spin queen? Regular readers will remember Ellie Gellard, ex-Labour adviser and fiancée of one Alex Belardinelli, now Head of Communications for the charity. Surely not another case for the increasingly attentive Charity Commission to investigate…

PICTURE EXCLUSIVE: Mrs Danczuk’s New Year Message

What a year 2014 was for Guido’s favourite Labour councillor. Selfie star Karen Danczuk kindly took a few moments out from her holiday in Spain to send Guido these exclusive snaps from the pool, revealing her New Year’s resolutions are […]

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WATCH: Highlights From Face-Sitting Porn Protest

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Exclusive: Tories Block Newmark Comeback

As Guido revealed in yesterday’s Sun on Sunday, the selection process in Braintree to replace disgraced dick pic king Brooks Newmark has been cancelled amid speculation he is planning the unlikeliest of comebacks. Brooks was spotted holding secret talks […]

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WATCH: Penny’s Commons Cock Controversy Compilation

Always the provider of public service blogging, Guido has collated the highlights of Penny Mordaunt’s Commons “cock welfare” debate – as revealed in the Sun on Sunday and elsewhere – into a six second clip. A cock and bull story…[…]

+ READ MORE +



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Quote of the Day

Labour candidate Clive Lewis tells the Staggers:

“I mean, in the multiverse there’s still three universes in a hundred where there’s a Green MP in Norwich, so anything could happen. I could be caught with my pants down behind a goat with Ed Miliband at the other end – well, hopefully that won’t happen.”

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