Monday, December 8, 2014

“Grumpy” Dave “Rather Rude” to Stonehenge Staff

grump

Guido leaves no stone unturned to bring you all the latest news. As revealed in yesterday’s column, staff at the Stonehenge visitors’ centre much preferred the Deputy PM to bad-tempered Dave and his jumbo entourage. “Nick was very friendly,” says a tour guide, pointing out that Clegg took time to talk to all the staff. “But the PM was very grumpy and rather rude.” Druid sources claim Cameron was only “interested in talking to Mr Lickarse from English Heritage… No one was as great as Obama though. At least he posed for selfies.” Not the first time Merlin’s caused a Tory to lose his temper…

Exclusive: Tories Block Newmark Comeback

As Guido revealed in yesterday’s Sun on Sunday, the selection process in Braintree to replace disgraced dick pic king Brooks Newmark has been cancelled amid speculation he is planning the unlikeliest of comebacks. Brooks was spotted holding secret talks with his local association after concerns about the quality of the other candidates. Despite him promising post-parliament penance working for charity, he saw his chance. Tory sources confirm from Westminster that Brooks had been “wavering”, however, Guido understands any attempt by him to stand again has been blocked by high command: “It’s not going to happen”. Just as Guido was preparing to stand as the Pyjama Party candidate…

Friday, December 5, 2014

Jittery UKIP Back on Track in Thurrock

UKIP MEP, policy chief and Thurrock parliamentary candidate Tim Aker has added councillor to list of his many jobs, last night winning the Aveley & Uplands by-election. UKIP were jittery amid concerns they would lose yesterday given they were thumped by Labour in a nearby council by-election in October, but Aker fought off the Tories’ dog whistle leaflet campaign calling him “Timür Aker” to romp home. Aker is still consistently ahead of Labour’s carpet-bagging candidate Polly Billington in the constituency polling. UKIP are bullish about his chances next year, but they will need to spend big bucks on their campaign infrastructure to translate this to a parliamentary seat…

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Mark Pritchard Arrested Over Rape Allegation

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Developing…

UPDATE:

v+p

 The Speaker released the news…

UPDATE II: Met letter to Speaker (via Sophy Ridge):

“I write to inform you that on 2nd December 2014, Mark Pritchard MP was arrested at 6.14pm at Holborn Police Station in London by MPS officers. Mr Pritchard was questioned by police and released on bail later the same evening at 10.16pm. The matter is subject to further investigation and is sub judice at the present time.”

Met statement:

“We can confirm that a 48-yr-old man voluntarily attended a north London police station on Tuesday 2 December where he was arrested following an allegation of rape in central London. He has been bailed to a date in early January 2015.”

UPDATE III:

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Everything You Need to Know About the Autumn Statement

Osborne’s Kwasi NHS Spending Pledge

Kwasi Kwarteng isn’t backing down from his comments splashed in the Indy that NHS spending will have to be cut to clear the deficit:

“My general point was that if you’re going to have a serious debate about deficit reduction, everything has to be on the table. Now I’m not saying we’re going to cut the NHS, what I am saying is that there’s a serious deficit problem and you have to start thinking quite radical things if you are serious about dealing with the deficit. The alternative is to keep borrowing money indefinitely.”

Osborne has just announced £3 billion worth of extra cash for the NHS…

Tories Planning Super Secret Surprise Attack

Pssst… Don’t tell anyone but here’s the plan. Tory MPs are very grumpy at the fact they are being kept in Westminster on a three-line whip until close of play tomorrow as there is “important government business to secure”. A Whip’s claim that is for the “Coastal Defences (Clacton & Frinton-0n-Sea) Abolition Order” is believed to be disinformation. In fact – despite obfuscation – it is looking increasingly like a trap.

The consensus is that Osborne is planning to trap Labour with a quick and dirty vote on his plan to put into law the promise to balance Britain’s underlying budget deficit. Shame he didn’t do that on May 7 2010…

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

45% of Satanists Vote Tory

Firefighting the somewhat unfortunate endorsement of UKIP by Nick Griffin, telly’s Suzanne Evans produced the stat of the day:

From whence came this macabre revelation? Archbishop Cranmer has found the answer:

“The article to which she refers is ‘Satanism in Britain Today’ by Graham Harvey in the Journal of Contemporary Religion (10:3, 1995). So it’s not so contemporary, but certainly worth a bit of extrapolation. Harvey found that 45 per cent of self-identifying Satanists voted Conservative in the 1992 General Election.”

So Suzanne was only slightly exaggerating. Lynton Crosby’s core vote strategy in action…

Lord Ruffley Not Likely

Disgraced David Ruffley continues to strut around Westminster without a care in the world, despite being deselected by his local association in Suffolk following his caution for assaulting his girlfriend. As Guido revealed in the Sun on Sunday, now cocky Ruffley has told friends that he is line for a peerage when he stands down. Such a move would invoke the wrath of female Tory aides who complained to party whips about his behaviour:

 “News to us” says a Downing Street source.

Monday, December 1, 2014

WATCH: Penny’s Commons Cock Controversy Compilation

Always the provider of public service blogging, Guido has collated the highlights of Penny Mordaunt’s Commons “cock welfare” debate – as revealed in the Sun on Sunday and elsewhere – into a six second clip. A cock and bull story…


Seen Elsewhere

Users of Gay Hook-Up App Grindr Infected | TechnoGuido
ISIS Raising Funds Online Using Bitcoin | TechnoGuido
UKIP’s Youth Challenge | BBC
ISIS Operative: This Is How We Send Jihadis To Europe | BuzzFeed
Shapps Defends Bashir Defection | Seb Payne
Tory Leadership Contenders Jostle Over Europe | Alex Wickham
Cutting Taxes is Good For You | Art Laffer
Suspects Will Now Have to Prove Innocence | Laura Perrins
Labour Cllr: Cops Shouldn’t Stop Petrol Thieves | HandF Forum
Creeping Cultural Acceptance of Anti-Semitism | Eric Pickles
Time For Greece to Leave Eurozone | Allister Heath


Rising Stars
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Boris on British Jihadis. Apparently based on MI5 intel:

“If you look at all the psychological profiling about bombers, they typically will look at porn. They are literally w***ers. Severe onanists. They are tortured. They will be very badly adjusted in their relations with women, and that is a symptom of their feeling of being failures and that the world is against them. They are not making it with girls, and so they turn to other forms of spiritual comfort — which of course is no comfort.”


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