As usual Guido checked into Dear Deirdre in the currant bun yesterday for a bit of voyeurism and was surprised to see his good friend Milo in one of the stories. Milo apparently has mental health issues, funny because Guido thought he was alt-right. Apparently – according to Deirdre – he wants to become a teacher…

Fleet Street elders are looking on with horror and glee as a slow motion Game of Thrones power battle is played out at The Sun. Anyone who thinks this saga is really about a provocative Kelvin Mackenzie column criticising an Everton footballer is naive. “The New King”, “Joffrey” Gallagher, is caught in the midst of all out war between “The Old King of the North” Kelvin and the fiery “Mother of Dragons”, Queen Rebekah.

The decision by News UK to suspend Old King Kelvin is being widely viewed through the prism of Queen Rebekah loathing him. It has been noted in other realms of the Baby Shard that the statement knifing Kelvin came from a News UK spokesman, not a Sun spokesman.

The emerging narrative is that Gallagher kicked back at the decision and, rightly, defended Kelvin, hence why the statement throwing him under the torrent of outrage did not come from The Sun. It came from News UK, where Queen Rebekah reigns. Last Thursday’s Popbitch reported that “Rebekah is aching to bin his £300,000 a year column, cutting costs and helping to detoxify the Sun’s brand in one easy move”. Kelvin’s column was published on Friday.

The New King Gallagher and The Old King Kelvin also go way back. Gallagher has always owed Kelvin after he helped him secure the Sun throne. Before that, at the Telegraph, Gallagher hired Kelvin as a columnist only to be forced to cancel his column when the Scouse hordes protested.

So far, the views of the One True Sun King of Antipodea remain unclear. Though anyone who has watched the hit HBO series (available through all BSkyB-approved outlets) knows this one is going to end in a bloody mess, with a twist or two along the way…

Paul Mason has been left humiliated after press regulator IPSO dismissed his complaint against The Sun over that famous candid recording at Labour conference. Mason ran to the watchdog after a young freelance reporter overheard him in a Liverpool restaurant loudly discussing his real views on Jeremy Corbyn. Unfortunately for Mason, that young reporter caught him on tape…

“Corbyn doesn’t appeal to the mainstream working class vote. It’s to do with a cultural thing about London. Corbyn goes to England on a bike and cycles round. Working class people go to a leader. He has no cultural references to the way they live.”

On publication Mason exploded on Twitter, ranting about the “scab newspaper” that had ruined his Corbynista street cred. The leather-jacketed lefty lodged a complaint with IPSO, forcing a five month probe. Today, Guido can finally report their findings. IPSO has ruled entirely in favour of the young reporter and entirely against Mason.

IPSO found there was no breach of Clause 10 (preventing journalists from using clandestine devices).

“The images of the complainant were obtained by the use of a mobile phone camera… the photographer had not used a hidden camera, or engaged in subterfuge, to obtain the material.”

IPSO found there was no breach of Clause 2 (right to privacy).

“The complainant, a political commentator, had been discussing politics with a professional contact, and had not spoken about personal or private matters…The publication of the conversation did not represent an intrusion into the complainant’s private life… The complaint was not upheld.”

Guido can now reveal that during IPSO’s investigation:

• Mason claimed the young reporter involved “specialised” in undercover and covert work. Untrue.
• Mason claimed the restaurant where the recording was made was planted with clandestine devices. Untrue.
• Mason claimed the pictures which accompanied the story were taken by a pinhole camera. Untrue.
• Mason claimed the young reporter had broken the editor’s code. Untrue.

These claims from Mason were the angry fantasies of an embarrassed, hypocritical old hack who should have known better than to complain. The truth, Guido can reveal, is that Mason’s unguarded bombast was easily picked up on an iPhone held by a young reporter who simply fancied fried chicken for his lunch. That young reporter did not specialise in undercover work, he was a budding political journalist. He did not plant recording devices around the restaurant, Mason was yakking so loudly that his criticisms of Corbyn could easily be heard by the young reporter and recorded on his iPhone. How does Guido know all this? He hired that reporter…

Guido today captains the team backing pie-munching hero roly-poly goalie Wayne Shaw. Sign Guido’s #piegate pietition – as featured in The Sun – now at: order-order.com/piegate

Nick Clegg has finally admitted a “grumpy” Queen Elizabeth did attack the EU over a lunch with him, a vindicated Sun reports today. The paper quotes Kevin Maguire’s New Statesman column which disclosed:

“Nick Clegg, who was also at the infamous 2011 Windsor Castle lunch, maintains that Her Majesty was merely grumpy about Europe and regretted the eclipse of the Commonwealth”.

Clegg took to Twitter last night to deny this new line: “I didn’t speak to Maguire and I didn’t tell friends Queen was grumpy.” The Sun‘s political editor Tom Newton Dunn asked why Clegg’s spokesman refused to make that denial on the record, to which Clegg did not reply. Clegg has changed his tune over the paper’s bombshell “Queen Backs Brexit” splash. When the story first broke he said he had “no recollection” of the royal conversation.

Newton Dunn says Clegg later hardened his line at the behest of Cameron spinners to claim the story was “nonsense” and “not true“. Now the New Statesman reports he has admitted to friends the Queen did criticise Europe after all, but he denies it. Coincidentally Maguire’s column also names one Bill Newton Dunn, a former LibDem MEP, as being present at the infamous royal lunch…

Anyone with a Twitter account will at some point have seen one of the many memes quoting Rupert Murdoch on why he backs Brexit: “When I go into Downing Street they do what I say; when I go to Brussels they take no notice“. The quote was first attributed to him by Anthony Hilton in the Standard and repeated in the Guardian and Indy, as well has being shared thousands and thousands of times on social media by the usual Murdophobes. Today Rupert has written to the Guardian to demand a correction:

“There is much fake news published about me, but let me make clear that I have never uttered those words.”

Sure all those ‘press ethics’ campaigners will be posting prominent corrections on their Twitter accounts…