The men in tights at the Commons have come up with a solution to stop our elected Members beating each other up in drunken rages:

· a wider range of non-alcoholic drinks and lower strength beers will be provided in catering outlets
· staff serving alcohol would receive further training and support in refusing to serve customers when necessary
· at receptions and events where alcohol was served, glasses would be topped up less frequently

Guido has a better idea. Just remove the £5 million annual subsidy…

I'm hearing from court that judge decides former Luton MP Margaret Moran is not fit to stand trial on charges of fiddling expenses—
Andrew Sinclair (@andrewpolitics) April 27, 2012

PA reports:

Dr Philip Joseph said Moran, 56, was suffering from a depressive illness and extreme anxiety and agitation, and the stress of the proceedings and allegations she was facing made it impossible for her to participate in court proceedings. He said she felt feelings of abandonment by the Labour party and shame that her career was over.

Guido has “feelings” of something a lot stronger…

He may shun most of his backbench duties in favour of flying around the world for speeches and funnelling the fees through his shell company, the “Office of Gordon and Sarah Brown”, but the former Prime Mentalist has actually managed to turn up in Westminster today. Coincidently there is a state occasion rather than any pressing issue for the people of Kirkcaldy and Cowdenbeath…

Despite shirking his responsibility as an MP, Gordon is still happy to use taxpayer-funded rooms on the Parliamentary estate. He’s got at least two booked today. Guido hears Gordon is having a small gathering after the Queen’s speech. Form an orderly queue Labour types…

The Sundays were full of promises and a pledge of a review into how to stop MPs boozing in the Commons.

This should surely be a no-brainer for the Speaker: scrap the £5.8m subsidy. Guido feels this one is beginning to get some traction.

They could call it the Joyce Review…

Parliament’s in-house gym is advertising the services of a Clinical Hypnotherapist and Life Coach:

Hello

My name is Danielle Henderson and I am the new Clinical Hypnotherapist / Life Coach at Westminster Gym. I am here to help and support with the following issues:

Stress, Trauma, Phobia’s, Weight Loss, Stop Smoking, Fear of Public Speaking, Relationship Issues, Sporting Performance, Healthy Eating.

Sometimes spending an hour a week to off load with a Life Coach is hugely beneficial for mental and emotional well being. You can book yourself straight into the diary at Westminster Gym by calling the reception. I am available Monday and Tuesday mornings from 9.30 – 12.30 for pre-booked appointments.

I look forward to meeting and assisting you.

Kind regards

Danielle Henderson NLP Prac. C.H. Dip

With the assorted bunch of miscreants, drunks and reprobates that make up the green benches, Guido imagines that Ms. Henderson will be rather busy. He’s not sure Westminster is really the place to make much money out of “Fear of Public Speaking” though…

The Strangers’ Bar is advertising their

“premium coffee service available from 10.30am”.

Who could they be targeting with that one?

What happens in the Strangers’ Bar stays in Strangers’  Bar, or so they like to think. That rule goes out the window though if you’re a Labour MP who gives a Tory colleague “a Glasgow kiss”. Labour’s Eric Joyce was nicked last night after apparently headbutting Tory MP Stuart Andrew.

Witnesses tell Guido he “just kicked off” and start flailing shouting “There are too many Tories in the bar”. Tory councillor Luke MacKenzie got punched while trying to break things up. Guido is trying to work out what triggered it all and you can whisper what you know here.

Aside from one too many taxpayer subsidised pints of course…

UPDATE: Joyce wasn’t the only politico arrested last night. West Midlands MEP Nikki Sinclaire, who was forced out of UKIP, was arrested in Birmingham for conspiracy to defraud the EU Parliament.

The Rt. Hon. Sir Alan Haselhurst, who once claimed £12,000 on his expenses for the gardening costs of his Essex farmhouse, has excelled himself today. According to PA’s James Tapsfield, as Chairman of the Commons Admin Committee, Haselhurst has has recommended that every MP is “issued with an iPad style tablet device”. Apparently it will save on paper costs in the long run and it’s fine because they can be be bought in bulk.

Guido is sure the public will be very understanding…

Carina Trimingham turned heads on Thursday when she sat casually having lunch in Portcullis House. Whilst the speculation today is whether or not she was wearing an engagement ring, Guido is more concerned about what a lobbyist is doing having unmitigated access to Parliament.

She apparently has a spouses pass…

And it’s not just wives and girlfriends that get this perk. After two terms in the House, former MPs are entitled to a pass, meaning they can get access to the bars and restaurants and continue to live their subsidised life. So they can retire back to the countryside and have exclusive use of riverside restaurants and bars to entertain in whilst in town, without paying London prices. A nice perk, especially if you are seeking to influence decision makers…

It’s bad enough that we subsidise the public sector workers inside the Palace of Westminster, but can anyone really try to justify feeding and watering their spouses and predecessors?

Yesterday Guido pondered why there was no retribution for Peers who are convicted criminals and that it’s  just unpopular Knights that get shredded. Well it seems to have got the ball rolling…

Tory MP Matthew Hancock tells the FT: “I don’t see why the rules for peers should be entirely different to the rules for MPs”. As Jim Pickard points out, legislation has already passed that, with an amendment or two, could make this happen. The 1917 Deprivation of Titles Act was used to strip Peers who supported Germany in WWI…