PMQs SKETCH: E.D. Phone Home!

gallery_guido (2)

Good old Brooks Newmark, he hath done the sketch some service.

On a question about the inner workings of the penile system and afflictions of the testicles there he was, lounging behind the questioner in his paisley-coloured dreamland. He’s certainly in touch. He definitely gets it.

Unlike – oh how very unlike – our friend who speaks for the Labour Party on these occasions.

Ed Miliband brought his finger to the fore. Long and odd, as you’d expect in an alien. It’s an open secret, isn’t it? The Labour leader is not of this world. He belongs in the basket of a little boy’s bicycle. We’re all waiting – I mean literally everyone is waiting – for the Miliband  fingertip to light up and for him to croak, “Home!” Oh, the relief in his party on that joyful day.

For his weekly turn, Ed let out six fluent streams of static, six bursts of passionate telemetry. It’s a language Geiger counters understand well.

Decoded, it appears he wants us to believe that the NHS in crisis. Which it may very well be.  Cameron’s complete answer consists of: 1) Labour wanted to cut its funding. And 2) The country needs to make the money before it can be spent on health.

That is the only answer necessary and one he gives every week. For all his other-worldly intelligence, Miliband hasn’t found a way round or through it.

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PMQs LIVE: Who Is Asking the Questions Today

pmqs

Oral Questions to the Prime Minister

Q1 Albert Owen (Ynys Môn)

Q2 Ian Murray (Edinburgh South) 

Q3 Sir Oliver Heald (North East Hertfordshire)

Q4 Roberta Blackman-Woods (City of Durham) 

Q5 Pete Wishart (Perth and North Perthshire) 

Q6 Annette Brooke (Mid Dorset and North Poole) 

Q7 Norman Baker (Lewes) 

Q8 Nadhim Zahawi (Stratford-on-Avon) 

Q9 Mr Jim Cunningham (Coventry South) 

Q10 Andrew Rosindell (Romford) 

Q11 Karl Turner (Kingston upon Hull East)

Q12 Mark Menzies (Fylde) 

Q13 Mr Jamie Reed (Copeland)

Q14 Mr Andy Slaughter (Hammersmith) 

Comments in the comments please…

PMQs SKETCH: Ed the Unready
Uncounselled, Ill-Advised, a Leader Surrounded by Fools

Up he stood with one prepared earlier by nitwits unknown.

Faced with prolonged Tory cheers, the ones he gets every week, he said, “Let’s see if they’re still cheering on Friday!” (Laughter)

The Rochester by-election is set to give the Tories a rollicking. That much we have known for a fortnight, all through Ed’s leadership crisis.

But it’s usually a mistake to chaff the prime minister. “I make one prediction,” he said in his easy, Eton house-room way, “the people behind me will still be cheering HIM on Friday.”

True.

The news on Friday morning may be shocking enough to revive Labour panic. What happens if they poll 15 per cent? Tory failure has been priced in – has Labour melt-away? How will the 100-odd Labour MPs feel when their vulnerability is dramatised for them? When they look ahead to the loss of their precious seat?

Because it’s all about Ed. Presidential Ed. The teeth of the campaign. The big brain behind it. The single greatest weakness of the party is given the greatest prominence. Who thought that was a good idea?

Ed!

It isn’t a confection of the right wing press: voters look at Ed and shudder.

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Another Happy Reader…

The PM clearly got his daily dose yesterday, referencing the pay-off line from the Scottish poll story Guido ran:

“More people believe in the Loch Ness monster than believe in his leadership.”

Not the first time Dave has done one of Guido’s lines…

PMQs LIVE: Who is Asking the Questions Today

Oral Questions to the Prime Minister

Q1 Graham Jones (Hyndburn)

Q2 Mr Stephen Hepburn (Jarrow)

Q3 John Glen (Salisbury) 

Q4 Anas Sarwar (Glasgow Central) 

Q5 Mr Gareth Thomas (Harrow West)

Q6 Mr John Baron (Basildon and Billericay)

Q7 Stephen Mosley (City of Chester) 

Q8 Mr David Winnick (Walsall North) 

Q9 Mr Laurence Robertson (Tewkesbury) 

Q10 Caroline Lucas (Brighton, Pavilion) 

Q11 David Mowat (Warrington South) 

Q12 Dr William McCrea (South Antrim)

Q13 Jeremy Lefroy (Stafford)

Q14 Michael Ellis (Northampton North) 

Q15 Mr Henry Bellingham (North West Norfolk) 

Comments in the comments please…

PMQs SKETCH: How Have Labour Got Themselves Here?

The weekly pleasure of Ed Miliband in action.

He’s like an eight year old boy unused to fighting running into a fight. Wild face, arms windmilling, making strange noises, not punching but slapping like a girl.

He ran at Cameron six times. Six times Cameron put a hand on the lad’s forehead and watched the arms flail, the hands flap, the teeth dance in his mouth.

It was Europe. Would Cameron repeat what he said two years ago and say he’d campaign to stay in the EU?

A week is a long time in politics. Two years is time for an ice age and its inter-glacial period. Nonetheless, Ed insisted Cameron repeat his ancient undertakings.

Cameron had a perfectly serviceable  – if swervy – answer.

He wanted to stay in a reformed EU. That was the plan.

There really was nothing to see there. Did Miliband move on to the Treasury shambles following the EU’s £1.7 billion demand? Or to a forensic dissection of Cameron’s impossible task?

No, Miliband kept coming back to Cameron’s personal position on the forthcoming campaign, and kept getting the serviceable answer. His rhetorical climax was: “He’s the Don’t Know prime minister.”

At that point, twenty or thirty female Labour MPs could have posed for Munch. A mass Scream.

scream

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PMQs LIVE: Who is Asking the Questions Today

Oral Questions to the Prime Minister

Q1 Tom Greatrex (Rutherglen and Hamilton West)

Q2 Debbie Abrahams (Oldham East and Saddleworth)

Q3 Eric Ollerenshaw (Lancaster and Fleetwood) 

Q4 Geoffrey Clifton-Brown (The Cotswolds) 

Q5 Mr Ben Bradshaw (Exeter) 

Q6 Margaret Beckett (Derby South)

Q7 Helen Jones (Warrington North) 

Q8 Siobhain McDonagh (Mitcham and Morden)

Q9 Lilian Greenwood (Nottingham South) 

Q10 Guy Opperman (Hexham)

Q11 Teresa Pearce (Erith and Thamesmead)

Q12 Mr Michael Meacher (Oldham West and Royton) 

Q13 Keith Vaz (Leicester East) 

Q14 Jeremy Lefroy (Stafford) 

Q15 Mr Gary Streeter (South West Devon) 

Comments in the comments please…

PMQs SKETCH: “An Absolute Shar”

“An absolute shower,” (pron. “shar “) Cameron called them, the Labour leadership.

Perhaps he thought any more detailed attention would be to kick Miliband when he was down.

You shouldn’t kick your opponent when he is down. When your opponent is down you should gently bind him, place a careful foot on his croaking throat and  dismember him. Harvest his organs. Mummify him and keep him in your cellar. Your friendly smile should never lose its freshness while you work.

“An absolute shar” hasn’t had the effect Cameron was counting on since 1956.

There has never been a more ridiculous duo leading a major party than Ed Balls and Miliband. Their polling is pitiful. Their strategy woeful. They couldn’t be more insulated from their voters than if they were wearing gimp suits, boxing gloves and a This Is What A Feminist Looks Like T-shirt.

They are following in the tradition of Michael Foot’s Labour, “there will be no compromise with the electorate.”

That is no reason for assuming they won’t win the election.

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PMQs LIVE: Who Is Asking the Questions Today

Oral Questions to the Prime Minister

Q1 Ian Lucas (Wrexham)

Q2 Kelvin Hopkins (Luton North) 

Q3 Mr Barry Sheerman (Huddersfield) 

Q4 Ian Austin (Dudley North) 

Q5 Tessa Munt (Wells) (905717)

Q6 Glyn Davies (Montgomeryshire)

Q7 Mr David Amess (Southend West)

[…]

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PMQs SKETCH: Cameron Rubs Salt Into Bercow’s Wounds

The only really enjoyable part of PMQs came right at the end in a question on immigration, and time running out. The PM broke off his answer with an abrupt change of subject to congratulate ex-Chief Clerk Sir Robert Rogers […]

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PMQs SKETCH: Maybe Miliband Has a Chance

The Nolan principles of sketch writing – fairness, objectivity, kindness and so forth, I forget them exactly. Does he offer refresher courses?

Miliband today was, I thought, as bad as he’d ever been.

The face a mash-up of several untamed […]

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WATCH: UKIP’s First Prime Minister’s Question

UKIP’s first elected MP used his PMQ to call on David Cameron to keep his promise on a “real” Recall Bill. The Tories had been encouraged to not barrack Douglas Carswell out of respect for the people of Clacton. “I […]

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