It’s no part of the Sketch’s job description to bring about the destruction of the Conservative Party and the personal ruin of its leader – consider it a voluntary extra. No charge.
That’s the good news. And in further good news, the Prime Minister is in even better shape than the King. Whatever fettle means, Sunak’s has never been finer. When Starmer publicly welcomed Labour’s latest MP to his backbenches, a defecting Tory medic, the PM said with a comedian’s ease, “Glad to actually see him” with an inaudible “for once”.
He got a louder shout of backbench laughter than Jimmy Carr at the joke’s first outing. “What do you do, sir?” “I’m a plasterer.” “Good of you to turn up.”
How the Tories think they can do any better than their Mighty Mosquito is one of politics’ great comic narratives. He’s across all briefs. He can sting. He can wallop. He can avoid and evade questions as well as any premier in recent memory.
How is he going to pay for the abolition of National Insurance? Keir was told he has no idea how the tax economics works.
Why will he never give a straight answer? For goodness sake, he’s sick and tired of repeating his straight answers.
Is going to fund it by halving the state pension?
“No.”
That straight answer produced a second shutter-rattling shout of laughter.
Will he rule out abolishing the Winter Fuel Allowance?
“We doubled it.”
Tory joy, real or simulated.”No, we aren’t plotting against our leader,” the noise meant. “We love our nimble little pixie!”
And then a re-run of the best parliamentary joke of the decade. Keir leading on pension policy sets up the punchline of Keir’s personal pension plan. “It comes with its own special law,” Sunak began. His backbenches squirmed with pleasure as for a favourite bedtime story. “It was called The Pension Increase Scheme For Keir Starmer.”
It’s a joke that age does not weary. Which is just as well.
LOTO finished on what sounded like a sour note, saying that the PM’s colleagues were queueing up to dump him for their own political survival, that they don’t want to be seen anywhere near him.
It sounded quite rude, in fact.
Notice that Keir didn’t bring up the subject of Rwanda. There was a reason for that.
“We can see the Rwanda deterrent is working,” that noisy Tory with the beard said. “We have deported our first illegal migrant.”
Including the sunk cost, the unfortunate deportee is the single most expensive traveler in the history of civilisation.
However, that desperado Tim Laughton has reported back from northern France saying the deterrent is already working over there. The news from Dublin’s tent city confirms it. “If he carries on like this, he’s going to win the election,” Bill Wiggin claimed.
No one laughed. Perhaps it created a shiver of alarm among his colleagues.
Because this is how the Government destroys its party.
It does so by winning the election. And it does that by achieving a total, unignorable collapse in boat crossings by the weekend.
How?
By sending tomorrow’s landings directly to a reception centre at an RAF base and thence to Rwanda the following day.
This will have the power to stop the boats at once and for all, flip public opinion, cause a surge of interest in the Conservatives, create an environment in which tax cuts will affect voting, followed by a very narrow majority.
And that’s the end of the Conservative Party. This is the election the Tories must lose. Five more years of a Tory government will wipe them out, and cause a catastrophic development in the Sunak family’s domestic arrangements.
Will such a catastrophe happen?
Luckily, on past form, Rishi will not pull of such a daring executive action.
The Sunaks will live happily ever after following their patriarch’s mid-career sabbatical running a country,
And the tree of liberty, in need of that great manure, will be refreshed with the blood of 150 Tory MPs.
Starmer has kicked off PMQs by taking advantage of Dan Poulter’s defection over the weekend:
“After nearly two decades as a Tory politician and an NHS doctor he’s concluded that if you care about the future of our country and our NHS then it’s time for change… as of today he’s our newest Labour MP but I’m sure he won’t mind me saying that I hope he loses that title on Friday.“
Sunak echoed the reaction of quite a few Tory MPs when Poulter crossed over: “Who?”
“Well, Mr Speaker, I’m I’m glad to actually see The Honourable gentleman in the House today.“
Poulter was never known as a workaholic among colleagues…
Labour’s deputy, flame-haired and dressed in a blazing red smock sat in her place, as for a funeral pyre. She looked as if she could go up at any minute. Obsessives will know all the trouble she’s in and expected her immolation imminently.
Deputy Dowden had brought faggots and a match and had never looked more pleased with himself. What a magnificent beadle he will make, if ever the office is brought back.
Angela Rayner rose from her place to Tory shouts of More! More! Attack being the best form of attack, she plunged into the crowd with two broken bottles and laid waste to Tory expectations. “I know the party opposite is desperate to talk about my living arrangements but the public want to know what this Government is going to do about theirs.”
It was a neat trope and delivered with her characteristic flare.
It’s true her flame wavered occasionally. Her demand to know when the Government was going to do something to reform the rental market was answered with the words, “This afternoon. Renters (Reform) Bill: Remaining Stages. Until 7pm.” She shouldn’t attempt tongue twisters and her distinction between the freehold ban on houses rather than on flats was nice but niche for this level of PMQs.
The final twist in Dowden’s face of her broken bottle (backstabbing on behalf of a pint sized loser) will be remembered for days. So, she survived. Which is more than can be said for Frank Field (see below).
Mhairi Black put the mass grave of Gaza onto the Floor of the House without seeking moral profit from it. Why is the Government not designating the 300 executions a war crime and withholding arms for Israel? The way she asked the question meant that reasonable people could try and answer it.
Iain Duncan Smith described something closer to home and apparently less significant. Yes, it occurred in Essex, and true, it concerned Boots the chemist – but future historians might find it a greater factor in the death of western civilisation than all the atrocities of this century. It was the casual, unhurried looting of a high street Boots, without fear of being caught, or even criticised. It’s happening more and more, what with the police now working from home.
Labour’s Sarah Wood criticised the Tory mayoral candidate – commentators better informed than I will put a name to that person. Apparently, the candidate has said, “The Black community has a problem with crime.” Moans of Shame! Shame! around her. Perhaps she’ll be arrested before the polls open.
At least the increase in the Defence budget, welcomed by John Baron, will bring the DEI regiment up to fighting strength.
We heard of a Gay Tax that is pricing gay couples out of having a family – the state is refusing them free fertilisation facilities. There are other ways of going about that, of course. And what with school fees, the cost of healthcare and the price of preschool smart phones – heterosexual couples are being priced out of having families probably rather more.
Labour backbencher made a shocking claim, that the Tories had “given away the future of the children of Teeside”? That really made the blood boil. To give away children’s future – have you seen the Net Present Worth of a child? These people are Conservatives in Name Only. No wonder the public finances are as they are.
And on that perhaps depressing note, it must be reported that the death of Frank Field produced a shower of quite unforgivable remarks in the Chamber. What a nice fellow he was. How he worked to make the world a better place. What a tireless campaigner he was. It really takes the shine off dying to hear these things said out loud. And him no longer here to defend himself.
Frank was deeply ashamed of his hubris, thinking he could win as an independent in the constituency he had worked for decades. He never said a thing your sketchwriter disagreed with, which makes his survival in the Labour party a marvel. He campaigned energetically against the disadvantaged, dispossessed and disenfranchised designating them as Neighbours From Hell. He advocated removing their benefits and housing them in cages underneath the southern flyover. As a young and affectionate sketchwriter, I thought it better for his sake not to report that modest proposal he gave me in his 2001 campaign. To his credit, he never forgave me.
What important thing he knew we shall never know now, but it must have been pretty good to have got him into the Lords. Ave atque vale, Frank.
Rayner delivered a good attack on Dowden at PMQs.
“I read with interest that the Right Honorable gentleman has been urging his neighbour in No 10 to call an election because he’s worried they might get wiped out. Has he finally realised that when he stabbed Boris Johnson in the back to get his man into No 10 he was ditching their biggest election winner for a pint-sized loser?“
Ouch…
The battle of the deputies at PMQs has kicked off with Rayner attempting to pre-empt Dowden:
“I know the party opposite is desperate to talk about my living arrangements but the public want to know what this do government is going to do about theirs.“
Dowden hit back with an even better jibe:
“It is a pleasure to have another exchange with the right honorable lady in this house – our fifth in 12 months! Any more of these and she’ll be claiming it as her principal residence.“
Cue roars…
UPDATE: Another hit:
“She once said: ‘You shouldn’t be waiting for the police to bang on your door. If you did it then you shouldn’t be doing your job.’ The Right Honourable landlady should forget her tax advice and follow her own advice.“
