Guido’s quest to find Ed and Justine a wedding present has been made a lot easier this morning. Apparently the Labour inner-circle did a whip around and bought Wed Ed an iPad as a present. A self-professed “square”, Ed was once a Rubik’s Cube expert, though he claims to be a little bit rusty these days. Guido has found Ed the perfect App for his new toy – Rubik’s Cube for iPad:

Hours of amusement for the reluctant hubby…

Here in the Guy Newsroom we will have a drink to celebrate the successful completion of our campaign to get Ed to do the right thing and make an honest woman of Justine, the mother of his children. It wasn’t easy, in January he told Piers Morgan “She’s not my wife. Thank God for that, probably”. Which seemed an odd thing to say. Now he is embracing the institution of marriage with enthusiasm:

Thanks for all the good wishes. Really looking forward to the day. Feel like the luckiest guy in the world to be marrying Justine.—
Ed Miliband (@Ed_Miliband) May 27, 2011

No need to thank us Mrs Miliband…

Ed Miliband told Piers Morgan that he was a bit of “a square” at university, hence why he never took drugs or slept with as many girls as Nick Clegg. While Guido didn’t have much trouble believing this, with a little help from his mortar-boarded co-conspirator he has been digging around that vessel of truth – the 1980s Oxford student press.

While yes there is a vast amount of extremely dull comment from one “Ted” Miliband, president of the Corpus Christi JCR about rent hikes and other pressing issues of the day (you can have a read of some his greatest moments here,) it was a mention of the Ted’s Labour club that really caught Guido’s attention:

(click for original)

In PMQs at the end of last year, Miliband declared he was proud of his student politician days while the PM was throwing bread rolls and trashing restaurants. The quip was widely seen as a good hit on Dave’s Bullingdon days, but it seems little “Ted” was prone to the odd bit of smashing stuff up too. Oh to be the ruling elite…

Ed Miliband talks about Justine to Piers Morgan:

EM:“Justine would have killed me [if I hadn't taken paternity leave], and rightly.

PM “She’d have murdered you?”

EM: “Well, no.”

PM: “God, 30 seconds in and there’s your headline: ‘My Wife’s Going to Kill Me, says Miliband’.”

EM: “She’s not my wife.”

PM:“So you married a millionaire?”

EM:“I’m not married.”

PM: “So your wife owns the house?”

EM:“She’s not my wife.”

PM: “So your girlfriend owns the house?”

EM “My partner. Girlfriend sounds too temporary.”

Ed Miliband faces the cold shoulder from Justine after an interview with Piers Morgan of which a Sky Sports presenter would be proud. While it wasn’t quite up there with Clegg’s “no more than thirty” comment in the GQ rite-of-passage, Ed did manage to “Thank God” that he isn’t married while discussing which other women he would like to get stuck on a desert island. How sensitive…

Or perhaps there is a smarter game at foot. Guido isn’t convinced by this attempt at manly banter. With Valentines’ just two weeks away to the day, could this be a false flag to add to the element of surprise when the Labour leader goes down on one knee on the 14th? Given it is vital swinging female voters that Ed needs to get on side if he is going to lead his party to victory, the comments seem somewhat risky. Why would he want to put off such a vital bloc?

The FT note how Tom Baldwin has saved his boss from near media oblivion, but the re-branding doesn’t stop there. Apparently in preparation for what will no doubt be an in depth interview with Piers Morgan in next month’s GQ, Ed has called in a personal trainer.

It did wonders for Gordon…

There was a lot of hysterics concerning Gordon’s appearance on Piers Morgan’s Life Stories last night with talk about it having “cut through” beyond politics.  Evidence based blogging tells the real story. The  Prime Mentalist was the least popular guest, bar Boris Becker, to ever appear on the show and be reduced to tears by Morgan’s gentle probing:

The widely trailed interview was meant to be a chance for the public to see Gordon’s human side.  The fact that almost double the amount of people cared more about the life of Jordan or Sir Cliff Richard shows just how far he is willing to demean the status  of his office for a couple of thousand swing votes…

Congratulations to Alastair Campbell on his prepping, Gordon came over surprisingly well with Piers. Very low bar for expectations mind you..

UPDATE :  Piers Morgan wrote in the Mail before tonight’s broadcast that

Gordon Brown had finally agreed to sit down with me for an interview entirely about his personal life, with no political statements or policy debate permitted.  ’What’s your agenda, here?’ he smiled nervously, when he arrived at the studio.  ’To perform a miracle and make you sound human,’ I smiled back.

Guido agrees with Fraser, it was the miracle of television…

Piers Morgan writes…

Gordon Brown had finally agreed to sit down with me for an interview entirely about his personal life, with no political statements or policy debate permitted.  ’What’s your agenda, here?’ he smiled nervously, when he arrived at the studio.  ’To perform a miracle and make you sound human,’ I smiled back.

Three books out now insinuate that Brown is bonkers; Rawnsley’s, Watt’s and the latest one from Lance Price. Guido has always maintained that he is in la-la-land. This excerpt from the transcript from his forthcoming television love-in with Piers Morgan illustrates Guido’s point:

Piers Morgan: What’s been the best present you weren’t allowed to keep?

Prime Mentalist: Er, I think the different governments in the Middle East send huge presents. One actually, after a dinner, was a full pig that they actually sent, that had been roasted.

Which Middle Eastern muslim government would send a roasted pig to a foreign head of government?  If they did it would not just be a breach of protocol, it would be some helluva insult. Wouldn’t be Israel either sending the roast pork.  Like a lot of his claims it will, Guido suspects, turn out to be a delusion.

Alastair has long revelled in his macho, hard-man, Malcolm Tucker image. He has gone through four Iraq inquiries and he gave no ground at the latest Chilcot Inquiry. He has also dealt with the “beyond doubt” question many times.  Why did Marr’s mild interrogation unsettle him?  Was it a cynical, calculated act or is Al cracking up again?

Bad Al is also said to have groomed Gordon Brown for his Piers Morgan interview, where he too tears up and gets emotional. Are they going for the sympathy vote?  Three months before the election Brown is blubbing for the cameras, having always claimed he was a private man and criticising Cameron (and by implication Blair) for doing the touchy-feely stuff.  Are they trying to fake up some kind of emotional connection with voters to compensate at the last minute for Gordon’s lack of EQ?

Guido is on Nicky Campbell’s breakfast show tomorrow talking about this topic.  What do co-conspirators think?

UPDATE : Bad Al has just blogged that his “exasperation button” was pressed.