When the missing cat belonging to John Hemming’s mistress miraculously turned up just hours after his wife was given a suspended sentence for stealing it, many thought it was too good to be true. And they were right. PA has the scoop:

“Vanessa Howie, Cats Protection’s field veterinary officer, said a study of a photograph of Beauty before her disappearance and of the stray cat showed they were not the same animal. Ms Howie noted: “There are many differences between the cats in these two photos. The cat in the second photo has white paws and a white bib, whereas the cat in the first photo clearly does not.”

The mystery continues…

John Hemming said after his wife’s trial last week that the cat that she had stolen from the home of his mistress was “probably dead”, but good news: it’s alive! Mrs Hemming got a nine month suspended sentence and the fact that the cat was never found left a bitter after taste in this bizarre and surreal story.

Turns out we get a happy ending after all…

When asked after his speech this morning about yesterday’s promised repatriation of powers from Brussels, the Deputy Prime Minister stuck his oar in:

“We should stop tilting at windmills about threats and challenges which simply aren’t there right now… You don’t change Europe by launching some smash-and-grab dawn raid on Brussels…”

If Clegg promises something won’t happen, that means it will, right?

When he resigned from the government in February, Lord Oakeshott, best friend of Vince Cable and one time campaign manager to Chris Huhne, lashed out at his coalition partners for their “arrogance”. Today he has accused the Tory rebels “wrecking the coalition agreement”:

How is voting on a matter of principle as “arrogant” as walking out of a job in government on the instruction of Huhne and Vince Cable in order to try, unsuccessfully, to score points against Osborne? A hypocritical LibDem… Now Guido has seen everything.

Video via Liar Politicians

A good rule of thumb when feeding negative stories to the press about a Prime Minister, whose administration you work in, is not to do it from the office phone. A mighty row has blown up in Downing Street after a leak hunt has found the Deputy Prime Minister’s spokesman up to his neck in it after giving the Mirror a story about the Cameron and Osborne children playing in the Rose Garden. The Mail on Sunday reported the row yesterday without naming James McGrory as the leaker…

Cameron hit the roof and his staff got in Scotland Yard to trace the leak. McGrory’s study looks out over the Rose Garden and his phone made three calls to the Mirror just before they put a call in to Downing Street for a comment. On the day that Clegg announces that he is going to spend half a million on seven new LibDem SpAds across Whitehall, he should probably start thinking about an eighth…

Guido has been trying to get hold of the Bob Russell this morning, but it seems that his office don’t like answering the phone. The LibDem has replaced the disgraced Mike Hancock on the Defence Select Committee. Russell is MP for Colchester, a garrison town; and he was a member of the LibDem “Shadow” defence team from 2005 until 2010 , so seemingly fits the role. He’s also Hancock’s flatmate…

Russell potentially had as much access to defence documents as Mike Hancock did, crucially whilst the Handy-cock’s affair was going on. Given the circumstances, perhaps Bob Russell could answer a few questions:

• Did he know about Hancock’s affair?
• Did he ever meet Zatuliveter at the flat he shares with Hancock?
• Did she ever stay there?
• Did he ever leave defence related documents at the flat?
• Did he ever leave his laptop or Blackberry at the flat?

Guido will call back after lunch…

“Officer ZZ” of MI5, named in court as “Louise”, told Katia Zatuliveter’s extradition tribunal that she believed the Russian Intelligence Services had instructed the young blonde to seduce the aged LibDem pervert Mike Hancock, as he was easily susceptible to the age old trick.

Here’s a fun Guido fact for you: Hancock gives every girl he sleeps with a House of Commons shop teddy bear and calls it Mike. Form an orderly queue ladies…

There is all sorts of speculation doing the rounds that self-confessed “teen-fondler” and LibDem MP Mike Hancock is about to be suspended from the Defence Select Committee. Committee sources say nothing has happened yet, but others speculate that it can only be “a matter of time” before the Chairman James Arbuthnot has to act. The suspected spy that worked in Hancock’s office yesterday admitted to not only having a four-year affair with the MP, but to opening confidential mail and having access to Defence Select Committee documentation. She is fighting extradition and he is looking down the barrel of his career.

You have to wonder what first attracted the twenty-three year old leggy blonde to the bearded pensioner…

Having worked her way through a Dutch diplomat and NATO official, perhaps it was his massive, err, naval base in the constituency.

Self-confessed teen fondler and Liberal Democrat MP Mike Hancock is in a bit of bother, again:

Russian "spy" Katia Zatuliveter admits four-year affair with Lib-Dem MP Mike Hancock—
Gordon Rayner (@gordonrayner) October 18, 2011

Well that’s a turn up for the books…

With the LibDems trying to have their “told-you-so-moment” over a register of lobbyists, Guido drew your attention yesterday to the controversial spinmeister Clegg has brought into the heart of his operation – Olly Grender. Overnight many a co-conspirator also pointed out that Clegg’s Chief of Staff Jonny Oates is another flesh presser…

Starting at Westminster Strategy in the nineties, Oates worked his way up to become a director at Bell Pottinger in 2004. With a host of international and UK clients that would put any sandal-wearing LibDem member off their lentils, Bell Pottinger are the largest UK firm to refuse to take part in any of the voluntary regulation schemes that are around. Their chairman Peter Bingle has been at the forefront of defending the industry this week. Almost a lone public voice…

So two of Clegg’s closest advisers right now are former lobbyists. His promised clean up of the body politic clearly doesn’t start at home…