Labour Politician Admits Fathering Lovechild… With Alien

Labour’s Simon Parkes, beamed down from the mothership to his seat on Whitby Town Council when he’s not on a different planet, has confessed he has a secret lovechild named Zarka after an extra-terrestrial tryst with an alien he calls the Cat Queen. His wife isn’t pleased now the truth is out there:

“My wife found out about it and was very unhappy, clearly. That caused a few problems, but it is not on a human level, so I don’t see it as wrong.”

Probed further, Parkes says his real mother is a 9 foot alien with green fingers:

“Two green stick things came in. I was aware of some movement over my head. I thought, ‘they’re not mummy’s hands, mummy’s hands are pink’. I was looking straight into its face. It enters my mind through my eyes and it sends a message down my optic nerve into my brain. It says ‘I am your real mother, I am your more important mother’.”

Helpfully he has even drawn a 4-dimensional sketch of what the little green men look like:

Perhaps this is an example of what those anti-gay marriage Tories were warning us about…

Labour Complain to Attorney General Over Stuart Hall Sentence

Dear Dominic,

I am writing with regard to the 15-month sentence handed down to Stuart Hall for 14 counts of sexual assault on young girls. This sentence surely cannot be strong enough for the seriousness and circumstances of the crime.  Sexual assault is in itself a very serious offence and there were many aggravating factors present in this case: the victims were young; there was pattern of behaviour over a long period of time; there was an abuse of trust; and, as the trial judge has said, Hall’s initial response to the charges will have compounded the victims’ distress. Given all this, 15 months is not just a lenient sentence, it is unduly lenient. I urge you to use your power to refer unduly lenient sentences to the Court of Appeal and argue for it to be extended. I am also sending a copy of this letter to the Director of Public Prosecutions, Keir Starmer QC and I urge him formally to refer the case to your attention.

Best wishes

Emily Thornberry MP

Shadow Attorney General

How things change…

See also: Labour MP’s EDM: Stuart Hall is “Icon With Youth Of Today”This Won’t Be On Labour Leaflets

Gove Victory: Adonis & Twigg Admit Free Schools Will Stay
“Free Schools” & “Teacher-Led Academies” Legally Identical

Gove clearly smelled blood following Labour’s schools policy announcement this morning, going for his opposite number Stephen Twigg: “Labour’s policy on free schools is so tortured they should send in the UN to end the suffering”. The problem? Here is Twigg this morning on free schools:

“Existing free schools will stay open, free schools in the pipeline will go ahead, but we will not have additional free schools.”

And then in the same speech:

“What we will have is a new academies programme including parent-led academies, really good teacher-led academies like Peter Hyman’s school in East London – those sorts of things. We would want the opportunity for those schools to open.”

What is the difference?

Awkwardly Peter Hyman, Twigg’s ‘teacher-led academy’ hero, has actually set up a free school of his own, and Andrew Adonis has today admitted that “free schools are academies”. Labour Education sources begrudgingly admitted to Guido that Adonis “is factually correct”. Or in other words, yes, they are the same.  Labour say free schools and academies are legally identical, though point to details such as where the schools are set up, local community support and a focus on shortages as points of difference.

What is clear is that Labour have surrendered to Gove on the principle of schools policy, if not the minutiae of naming. Twigg can dress it up how he likes to placate ultra-conservative reform-hating unions, his ‘parent-led academies’ are free schools in all but name. Viva la revolucion…

Now Hackney Blow Cash on Poster Propaganda

Speaking of outrageous government waste, Labour council propaganda posters are high up on the list of rotten boroughs splashing taxpayer cash. Take this example currently doing the rounds in Hackney, scaremongering about welfare cuts:

Let it not be forgotten that the money Hackney council is wasting on these posters could be being spent on front line services. Lambeth would be proud…

Bookie Basher Stephen Timms Goes Each Way

Labour’s Stephen Timms was all a flutter last week, getting on his high horse in the Mail to attack betting shops and accusing them of “destroying people’s lives.”  As Guido noted in yesterday’s Sun column, when he was a Treasury Minister in the last government he took a noticeably different position, not least overseeing the scrapping of the betting levy, loathed by bookies:

“The British betting industry is competitive…the government wants it to remain competitive and grow. Modernising the industry must benefit everyone otherwise the customer will go elsewhere. These reforms will provide a better deal for punters, and help UK bookmakers to compete internationally, while continuing to make their fair contribution to racing and to Government revenues. The reforms are fair to punters, bookmakers, racing and the taxpayer, and will provide the UK with a betting duty system and a competitive environment for bookmakers fit for the 21st century.”

What changed?

WATCH: Mrs Mad Al’s Clueless on Labour Schools Policy

Mad Alastair Campbell might have scuppered his other half’s chances of making it as an MP, though in all honesty she probably had that covered by herself. Left-wing education campaigner Fiona Millar says she hasn’t got a clue what Labour’s schools policy is. Hardly a glowing reference from the worst MP Hampstead never had…

Labour Accuse Candidate of ‘Tower Hamlets-Style’ Stitch Up

Labour’s internal infighting in Enfield has taken a disturbing turn. Alev Cazimoglu, close ally of expenses piggy candidate hopeful Joan Ryan, has been suspended from the party’s candidates panel. Guido has seen a letter from Enfield Labour procedure secretary Tim Leaver accusing Cazimoglu of:

“financial inducements or inducements in kind offered to attempt to secure support” and “interfering with or putting under duress a member in regard to how they vote.”

Local Labour sources tell Guido that the allegations involve Cazimoglu and Ryan plotting to ferry an elderly resident to a selection meeting and telling her which way to vote. They deny the allegations. Candidates have been warned:

“any candidates found speaking to members outside of shortlisting or selection meetings will be barred from the process. They are not allowed to ferry members to meetings or try  to influence the way they vote.”

One concerned local party veteran fears “it’s all gone a bit Tower Hamlets”Surely one for Labour’s campaign coordinator to investigate…

See also: Tom Watson Fingered Over Plotting Dinner, Voters Warn Labour Expenses Piggy Not to Run, Labour Expenses Piggy Tries to Run Again.

Ed Leaves Room to Kill Tories on Europe

“Weak” is the word Tory spinners want their MPs to repeat over and over (and over) again this morning following Miliband’s decision to duck the EU referendum vote. One particularly jubilant CCHQ source tells Guido “we are literally punching the air”. They will want to be wary of complacency though. Ed may well look weak now, though when the dust had settled in the run up to 2015 he has left himself in a position where he can still kill the Tories on Europe.

It isn’t impossible that this is part of a coordinated strategy to overtake the Tories on the inside and pledge a referendum in 2015. It is certainly no coincidence that abstaining leaves Miliband room to do so, as the Labour For a Referendum campaign will be arguing for the next two years. Indeed one of James Wharton’s greatest fears has been that they would spring a surprise and ruin his fifteen minutes. Guido wouldn’t even rule out Labour and the LibDems turning up on Friday, July 5. Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition…

WATCH: Labour to Abstain on EU Referendum Vote

Full details here.

 Via @liarpoliticians

[…]

+ READ MORE +

Exc: Labour Orders MPs to Avoid Westminster for EU Vote Day
Miliband Orders Abstention on Wharton Referendum Bill

Guido has been leaked documents purporting to be Labour’s whipping orders on how Miliband plans to deal with James Wharton’s EU referendum Private Members Bill at the beginning of next month. It’s pretty rough and ready – Labour seem to […]

+ READ MORE +

Labour Stitch Up Seat For Thatcher Grave Dancer’s Brother

“Dancing on Thatcher’s grave” was a classic Ed moment. Keir Morrison’s 15 minutes of infamy did for his fledgling career, but where is he now? The militant trade unionist is busy helping out his brother Lachlan, for whom Labour bigwigs […]

+ READ MORE +

Labour Distance Themselves From “Teenager” Owen Jones

Harsh words from Labour foghorn and Lord Ashcroft lunch partner John Spellar for one Indy columnist last night. Spellar let rip at the party’s loony left at a Progress/Labour History event:

“It’s perfectly true that the organised evil, the militant

[…]

+ READ MORE +



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