Guido was wondering which Sunday would get this, but it seems Russia Today have somehow scooped them:

“Are you a spy?”

“No”

“Did you have any contact with Russian security?”

“Well I explained my contact was Boris…”

Glad we cleared that one up then…

On the day Guido brings you the news that Mike Hancock is off to his favourite country in the whole wide world, the Indy reports that the lusty LibDem, while on the Defence Select Committee, got lobbyists to bung cash to his assistant. The same one that is facing deportation for spying. And he was sleeping with. A picture of the two having late night West End cocktails has been floating around for a couple of months and today Guido can bring you two more pics, from the same night:

Staring into each others eyes, sipping red cocktails, dreaming of the motherland…

What would you do if you were an MP, on the Defence Select Committee, whose former aide and lover is facing deportation for spying for the Russkies, you are one of the most pro-Russian politicians in the business and you have a reputation for banging Russian women? Avoiding Russia would be pretty high on the list if you had any concern about keeping your job. But then again you’re not lusty LibDem MP Mike “Handy-cock” Hancock. Red Mike is off to Russia this weekend to “monitor their elections”. And the rest…

“Officer ZZ” of MI5, named in court as “Louise”, told Katia Zatuliveter’s extradition tribunal that she believed the Russian Intelligence Services had instructed the young blonde to seduce the aged LibDem pervert Mike Hancock, as he was easily susceptible to the age old trick.

Here’s a fun Guido fact for you: Hancock gives every girl he sleeps with a House of Commons shop teddy bear and calls it Mike. Form an orderly queue ladies…

There is all sorts of speculation doing the rounds that self-confessed “teen-fondler” and LibDem MP Mike Hancock is about to be suspended from the Defence Select Committee. Committee sources say nothing has happened yet, but others speculate that it can only be “a matter of time” before the Chairman James Arbuthnot has to act. The suspected spy that worked in Hancock’s office yesterday admitted to not only having a four-year affair with the MP, but to opening confidential mail and having access to Defence Select Committee documentation. She is fighting extradition and he is looking down the barrel of his career.

You have to wonder what first attracted the twenty-three year old leggy blonde to the bearded pensioner…

Having worked her way through a Dutch diplomat and NATO official, perhaps it was his massive, err, naval base in the constituency.

Self-confessed teen fondler and Liberal Democrat MP Mike Hancock is in a bit of bother, again:

Russian "spy" Katia Zatuliveter admits four-year affair with Lib-Dem MP Mike Hancock—
Gordon Rayner (@gordonrayner) October 18, 2011

Well that’s a turn up for the books…

Belligerent old socialist Paul Flynn has come out with a corker with his updated Westminster survival guide:

“For reasons that are inexplicable, MPs – even the most superficial, unattractive, mis-shapen ones – are attractive to the other sex. It does present serious problems of going astray. There is a magnetism to this.”

The 76 year old advice for avoiding unwanted chemical attractions ranges from taking regular cold baths, thinking about death and “recognising the transitory nature of sexual relations”. Guido would have thought a big grey beard would be enough to solve any problems, but then that never stopped old Mike Hancock…

Now Guido knows that Mike Hancock, self-confessed teen-fondler and LibDem, must have a lot on his mind, let alone his conscience, but it takes a special level of incompetence to manage to sign two completely contradictory Early Day Motions. The pervy Portsmouth MP signed both EDM 2109 - opposing Christians being able to opt-out of equality laws, and EDM 2081 – supporting Christians being able to opt-out of equality laws. He’s taking sitting on the fence to whole new levels.

In other news, the sex-text pest and Ruski-sympathiser has told his local rag that his phone may have been targeted in the phone-hacking scandal.

It was more likely to have been MI5 listening in…

UPDATE: It seems Labour’s Paul Flynn has fallen into the same trap, but then we knew all along that the die-hard socialist wasn’t quite all there.

Self-confessed teen-fondler Mike Hancock took time out of his busy evening to explain exactly what went wrong for the LibDems in the local elections:

Via Christopher Hope & Co’s valiant all nighter.

Self-confessed teen fondler and LibDem MP Mike Hancock is “looking to recruit two bright, hard-working candidates to volunteer” in his office. The fact that he’s not paying his interns should be least of Nick Clegg’s worries when it comes to this backbencher. The advert goes on to say:

“Applicants should be reliable, enthusiastic and be sympathetic to the aims and values of the Liberal Democrats. Strong IT, organisational skills and a sense of humour essential.”

Admitting to cheating on your wife and  ”kissing and cuddling” with a teenage girl in court is hardly a laughing matter.

Responsibilities for the job include:

• Drafting correspondence – Like sending sex texts to vulnerable constituents?
• Research – An unhealthy interest in both Russia and the UK’s defences is essential.
• Helping to manage Mike’s schedule – Events like midnight cocktails with a Russian currently fighting deportation for espionage.
• Occasionally attending meetings and functions. – Meetings involving brown envelopes in parks. 
• Some European work may be required – “come on Princess, give me a chance…“

But beware, the successful candidate “will be required to comply with the Baseline Personnel Security Standard, undertaken by the Members’ Staff Verification Office (MSVO).” 

Have they run Hancock through that verification process recently?