Thursday, November 29, 2012

Why the Prime Mentalist is Speaking Today

Hold the front page: Gordon Brown is speaking in Parliament today. And why is the jet-setting Prime Mentalist gracing us with his presence? He’ll be speaking in a debate on Scottish independence, but don’t let that fool you. The only reason Gordon is speaking, today of all days, is that he somehow got wind of the huge celebrations planned tomorrow to mark the one year anniversary of the last time he spoke in the House. That’s right, the last time Brown spoke in Parliament was on the 30th November 2011. His utter contempt for serving Parliament and his constituents knows no bounds…

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Labour’s Celebrity Parliament Dodger

Labour quickly went on the attack when Nadine flew to the jungle. Chris Bryant went as far as suggesting a by-election for missing recess. So what do they recommend for their own parliament dodger?

In 2012 Nadine has spoken in thirty debates in the Commons, comfortably above average. How many has the former Prime Mentalist piped up in? Just one. The jungle-venturing scourge of the posh boys has received answers to some sixty written questions over the last twelve months, compared with a paltry eight for Gordon. And how do the pair fare in terms of vote attendance? Nadine has had her say in 71% of votes during the last year, with Brown bothering to turn up to just 14%.

Sampling kangaroo testicles will controversially land Nadine £40,000, which pales into significance when you think McMental’s sucking up to foreign dignitaries has clocked up £1.4 million.

Two wrongs dont make a right, but spare us the lectures. If Labour are serious about MPs doing their job, perhaps they should remove the whip from Gordon…

Monday, November 5, 2012

Osborne Haunts Our Dreams

Up and down the country millions of people are waking up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night, petrified by the spectre that has haunted them throughout the early hours. And who is this terrifying figure? A poll for the Mail says that the celebrity most likely to appear in our nightmares is none other than George Osborne. Ouch.

The Chancellor, rather harshly, comes one place ahead of Gordon Brown, a man who no doubt still keeps those who worked with him in those dark days of 2010 up at night. The likes of Katie Price, Anne Robinson and Marilyn Manson also make the list, with shadow chancellor Ed Balls coming in at number ten. No Maggie era Tories strangely…

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Unpublished Fred Michel Evidence Implicates Brown

Brown Nosing Murdoch

In spite of his rough ride at Leveson it seems Gordon Brown got off lightly considering the evidence that wasn’t heard by the inquiry. Guido understands that Linklaters, the law firm contracted by News International to conduct interviews with employees over phone-hacking, possesses a wealth of evidence on the Prime Mentalist that Leveson decided was outside his remit.

Sources close to Linklaters whisper to Guido that while Leveson only asked for specific evidence from 2008 onwards, they collected testimony from Fred Michel dating back to the crucial election-that-never-was period in 2007 that was not heard at the inquiry. This includes embarrassing details of failed attempts by Brown’s aides to lobby Murdoch for support and more significantly evidence that sources at the law firm believe show Brown lied under oath when he denied the truth of the infamous ‘declare war’ phone call. If anyone at Linklaters feels like doing the public a service, they know what to do

Friday, October 5, 2012

Cold-Blooded Ed Knifed McBride

Another cracker of a blog from Damian McBride today. We learn of Jonathan Freedland’s (disputed) role in the 2007 snap election decision, Andy Coulson’s dark arts spanners and how Brown’s inner circle thought he was about to have a breakdown – “Think his post-Mrs Duffy interview with Richard Bacon times 1,000″.

One of the most interesting stories recounted by McBride is his conversation with Ed Miliband after he had been accused of briefing against the future Labour leader:

“When he called me that Sunday, I told him what a joke it was that I was being accused of briefing against him and others. “But where’s it all coming from, Damian?” he said. “They’ve got all these details of the meetings we had; that must have come from you.” “Of course that stuff’s from me”, I said, “that’s just the colour – that’s harmless, but they’re accusing me of doing the lines blaming you and Douglas and Spencer for the whole thing.” “Well where’s all that coming from, Damian?”

His voice and tone reminded me eerily of Hal the computer in the film 2001. “I don’t know, but it’s not from me – I’d never brief against you.” “I don’t believe you, Damian” he said, “I think you’re lying.” It felt like an ice cold razor had been dragged down my spine. “Ed, for God’s sake, don’t say that. I’d never brief against you.” “That’s the trouble, Damian, I don’t believe that’s true. I think you’re lying.” “Stop saying that, Ed. You can’t accuse me of lying. I’m not going to have that.” “I can’t help it, Damian, I think you’re a liar.” “If you keep saying that, you know we’re finished, I’m not having that.” “I don’t care, Damian, I think we are finished.””

Watson and Balls should take note.

Friday, September 28, 2012

Gordon’s Reality Check

If the Prime Mentalist didn’t already know just how much everyone misses him, he will now. Gordon was supposed to speak at a press conference at the UN in New York last night but had to cancel after just one journalist turned up. McMental had hoped to enthrall a room of hacks with a speech about his latest schools initiative but was left red-faced when he was confronted with an empty room. It’s almost tragic. Almost…

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

He’s Still Jonah Brown

As we predicted beforehand, the Jonah effect wiped over 100 points off the value of the Dow and saw the NASDAQ experience its worst day since June. If you watch the video closely you’ll see that he even screwed up “ringing the bell” to open Wall Street.

He’s still the accursed one-eyed son of the manse…

Monday, August 20, 2012

Gordon Brown’s Mobile Phone Throwing World Record Broken

Ever since he was revealed to have furiously hurled three Nokias at a Downing Street wall Gordon Brown has been the unofficial mobile phone throwing world champion. Until now…

The Prime Mentalist has cruelly had his top Team GB achievement taken away from him after Finland set a new world record for throwing a mobile. 18-year-old Ere Karjalainen launched his phone an impressive 101.46 metres, smashing Gordon’s previous personal best of the width of a room in Number 10. Guido is sure Brown would never let anyone take his gold away from him…

Friday, August 17, 2012

Team GB Needed 63 Million Medals to Recover Gordon’s Gold

Team GB might have done the nation proud during the Olympics, but they needed to win a lot more medals if they wanted to earn back all the gold the Prime Mentalist sold off. Guido has done the maths:

Each gold medal contains 6g (or 1/5 oz) of gold.

This means five gold medals are needed to make one ounce.

Gordon Brown sold off 12.7 million ounces of gold.

5 x 12.7 million = 63.5 million gold medals.

At least the new Team GB did better than the old one…

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Chuka’s Mandy Mistake

Chuka Umunna has been upping the pressure on Dave over Sunday trading laws, accusing ministers of misleading Parliament and writing to the holidaying PM to demand clarification. Last night he snorted:

Clearly Chuka has forgotten all about Labour’s attempts to deregulate Sunday trading restrictions, when old boss Gordon Brown tried to force the then Trade and Industry secretary Alan Johnson into adopting the policy. The FT reported at the time:

“Tony Blair and Gordon Brown are tacitly supporting deregulation of Sunday shopping to allow 24-hour trading for large shops, according to a leading industry lobbyist. The lobbyist insisted there were differences between Mr Brown and Mr Johnson. “Gordon Brown wanted to include deregulation in the Budget, but Alan Johnson put the brakes on,” he said.”

And they weren’t even in Coalition…


Seen Elsewhere

Comply or Die at Grauniad | MediaGuido
Labour Beats UKIP in South Yorkshire | LabourList
Mock the Week’s Weak Comedy | Nigel Farage
Can Jim Murphy Save Scottish Labour? | Guardian
There is Still Appetite for the Westminster Lunch | Jon Craig
Labour Turn Their Backs on Jewish Community | Dan Hodges
Chivalry is Not Dead | Laura Perrins
Jonathan Jones is a Tw*t | Iain Dale
Second Scotland Poll Suggests Labour Wipeout | Times
Paedo Probe Boss Urged to Quit | Sun
Keynesian Tories Won’t Eliminate Deficit | Tim Montgomerie


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