Monday, June 9, 2014

Gordon Curses England’s World Cup Hopes

Speaking to journalists at today’s Press Gallery lunch, the Prime Mentalist has put paid to any faint hopes that England have in Brazil, hardly helping the Better Together campaign either:

“I will support England in World Cup.”

You might as well fly home now boys.

Despite this devastating turn of events, Eric Pickles is refusing to give up hope. The Three Lions flag will fly from the top of DCLG on Thursday, for the first day of the World Cup. “We chipped in to buy the flag at no expense to the taxpayer,” they assure Guido. Pickles hopes to recover some luck for England – his namesake Pickles the dog recovered the stolen World Cup trophy in 1966.

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Brown UKIP Attack Attempts to Rewrite History

Unionists can pack up and go home: the Prime Mentalist has surfaced up in Scotland to launch Labour’s anti-independence campaign. McMental reckons he has worked out how to win round freedom fighters north of the border, laying into the party that has just won its first MEP in the country. Gordon told United With Labour this morning:

“I detest the politics of UKIP.”

That would be the same Gordon Brown who famously promised “British jobs for British workers”, a slogan deemed too politically incorrect for UKIP to copy. The same Gordon Brown who adopted the BNP’s “Gulags for slags” policy at Labour’s 2009 party conference.

He used to get up to far worse than what he is claiming to detest today…

Friday, May 30, 2014

Bigotgate 2: Audio of Labour MP’s New Gillian Duffy Slur

Labour MP Alex Cunningham has literally done a Gordon; today’s Sun reveals he called Gillian Duffy a “bigoted woman” at a party fundraiser. Listen below as a panel member suggests the Prime Mentalist shouldn’t have apologised for his own remarks back in 2010, with Cunningham agreeing:

“She was a bigoted woman and that’s all there is to it.”

Cunningham has now issued his own grovelling apology. Mrs Duffy strikes again…

Monday, April 7, 2014

End of the Jonah Jinx?

Has the curse of Jonah finally been broken?

Gordon Brown was present yesterday when his beloved Raith Rovers beat Rangers 1:0 to win the Ramdens Cup.

He even cracked a smile…

Gordon has always taken a keen interest in Raith Rovers, going as far as to negotiate the sale of players in a pub car back while he was the Chancellor. According to Damian McBride:

What spare time Gordon had up in Scotland he poured into not just supporting his beloved Raith Rovers, but pulling strings behind the scenes at the club, sometimes becoming a bit too involved. I rang him in October 2006 and said I’d had a call from a Scottish journalist who’d heard the bizarre rumour that Gordon was seen in a pub car park in Kirkcaldy after midnight apparently negotiating contract terms with Trinidad international Marvin Andrews. Gordon was silent, then said: ‘Have they got photos?’

Finally the long curse that has blighted sports teams, markets, aeroplanes, banks, companies, governments and nations looks to be lifted. If the curse of the one-eyed son of the manse has been lifted, we hope Gordon’s tormented soul will lighten too…

Friday, April 4, 2014

New Figures Show Gordon and Sarah Brown Office Booming

The shareholders of the Office of Gordon and Sarah Brown will be delighted by the company’s strong performance as recorded in its annual accounts published this week. Cash held by the company is up from £160,978 to £237,226, it current assets total £255,469 and shareholder funds have reached £226,031. Despite setting aside £550,000 for “expenses” and declaring £3,605,197 in revenue since it was established, the Office has given just £90,000 more to charity since last year’s figures were disclosed, up from £912,702 to £1,002,702 overall. Subtracting the declared amount donated to charity from the declared revenue shows the company would have had a healthy £2,602,495 of income which did not go to charity. Gordon Brown claims that he does not benefit personally from this arrangement in any way, apart of course from the first class travel to exotic locations, the 5-star hotels, the Michelin standard restaurants, together with ego-stroking paid flunkies and bag carriers required to maintain the premier lifestyle to which Gordon and Sarah have become addicted…

See also: Gordon Brown Office Has £10,000-a-Week Expenses, The Interview Gordon Brown Does Not Want You to See

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Muppet Miliband and Balls

“You know what Mr Speaker, I will take a lecture from almost anyone in the country about the sale of Royal Mail, but not from the two muppets who advised the last Chancellor on selling the gold.”

An attack lined ruined only by the manifesto blunder by the PM – Dave claimed Labour promised to privatise the Royal Mail – actually they were going to part privatise it and keep the majority shareholding in the government’s hands.

Friday, March 21, 2014

WATCH: Peter Tapsell Owns Gordon Brown

Father of the House Peter Tapsell has announced he is standing down at the next election. Here he is at his best quoting King Midas, “an earlier and more successful dealer in gold”, to mock the Prime Mentalist. 

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Jack Warner was Doomed

Former FIFA boss Jack Warner has today been exposed by the Telegraph for taking millions from a Qatari firm linked to the country’s successful bid for the World Cup.

He was doomed…

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Gordon Claims £215,000 Public Duties Costs in Two Years
Taxpayer Triples £66,000 Salary for “Ex-Politician”

The £10,000-a-week expenses Gordon gets from his company are clearly not enough for the Prime Mentalist, who new figures reveal has claimed £215,000 in public duties cost allowance in the last two financial years. The money is offered so ex-PMs can “fulfil their public duties”, though since Gordon has said he is an “ex-politician”, barely bothers attending parliament and spends most of his time flying around the word giving speeches for huge sums of money, Guido is struggling to work out why the taxpayer is still topping him up. Especially considering he is still pocketing his £66,000-a-year salary as an MP. Presumably he will tell us he “isn’t receiving a penny of this money personally” either.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Gordon Funds Jet-Set Lifestyle With £10,000-a-Week ‘Expenses’
Brown Office Gives Just 1 in 4 Pounds Raised to Charity

UPDATE 21 March 2014:  The above video was removed from the BBC iPlayer archive at Gordon Brown’s insistence. This is a copy hosted on our own offshore server rather than any third party provider.

———————-

Since 2010 Gordon Brown has submitted more Press Complaints Commission complaints than he has delivered speeches in the House, meaning you won’t read about the financial affairs of the Office of Gordon and Sarah Brown in the papers. So Guido was pleased to have the opportunity to share the story with a wider audience on the Daily Politics this lunchtime.

  • Office of Gordon and Sarah Brown has £10,000-a-week expenses
  • Not a registered charity, two thirds of funds raised spent on expenses
  • Less than  £1 million given to charity out of over £3 million raised
  • Vanity project lets  Gordon and Sarah enjoy jet-set premier life-style of first class flights and five star hotels

Brillo asked the pertinent question of Gordon: “Mentally, is he out of it?”

See also: EXC: Gordon Brown Office Has £10,000-a-Week “Expenses”, Raises Over £3 Million, Gives Less Than £1 Million to Charity


Seen Elsewhere

What We Learned From the Referendum | FT
Scottish Crisis Moves South | Nick Wood
English Democrats Accidentally Celebrate Yes Victory | Pink News
Union In Its Current Form is Dead | Janan Ganesh
Labour Could Be Split in Two | Sun
Ashcroft Poll: Why Scotland Voted No | Buzzfeed
Boris: Change Barnett Formula | Sun
Cameron is Back | Dan Hodges
What Happens Now | James Kirkup
Cairo of the North | Quentin Letts
Labour are the Biggest Losers | Phil Collins


VOTER-RECALL
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Diane Abbott on the Daily Politics:

“Labour MPs will unite behind Ed Miliband, once we find out what our policies are.”



It was only a tiny tiny collision.


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