Thursday, January 9, 2014

Sugar is Not ‘the New Tobacco’

The We Can’t Go On Like This Brigade are out in force this morning  and today’s target is sugar. Those of us who predicted that once nanny had got bored of booze and fags, she would come for our sweeties don’t look so stupid now. “Children’s alcohol” cry the Guardian, the “new tobacco” say the Mail.

Given that there are records of Henry III eating sugar in Britian in 1264 and tobacco was not imported until 1586, that headline needs some work…

Thursday, December 5, 2013

WATCH: Highgella: The Movie

Monday, December 2, 2013

Chris Blackhurst’s Kama Sutra

Indy staff have been left baffled this afternoon by an email inviting them to help themselves to “a crate of unclaimed stuff in front of Chris Blackhurst’s desk including some high heels, a copy of the Kama Sutra, an assortment of dog shampoo and a speed camera (hand-held).”

Sounds like one hell of a kinky night…

 

Cristal Meth Scandal

Nigel Evans was looking on the bright side when Guido bumped into him last week.

“Whenever I get down, I just think it could be worse. I could be Reverend Flowers.”

Although, unlike the party-loving former boss of the Co-op Bank, Evans told Guido: “I’ve never smoked crystal meth, mind. I have drunk Cristal, though”.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Saatchi Claims Nigella Was “Off Her Head” on Coke

It’s been an open secret that Charles Saatchi has been trying to put around the Nigella coke angle, but her lawyers have been stopping anyone from printing it. Now it’s been said in court:

Saatchi’s friends tell people that is why he was looking up her nose that day…

Image reconstruction.

UPDATE:

This explains so much:

Saturday, November 23, 2013

GALLERY GUIDO: Smear Executive Decided to Smear Labour

We’re making up a Labour smear story.

We’re going for their most cherished example of mutual, collective endeavour. The Co-op. Ethical, modest, decent. Let’s make it go bust through filthy capitalist greed. And let’s get it taken over by US vulture funds who have the power to call in Labour’s loans, but don’t because they act more ethically than the previous management.

But you want more.

Okay, let’s have the outgoing chairman of the ethical bank to be a most complete representative of the Labour movement – a Co-op member for years, a Methodist minister who could be your dad, who gives money to Labour from Co-op funds. How much?

Half a million! Why half a milion? It’s a smear, make it a million!

Let’s have him only being an amateur in banking with no qualifications except “a professional requirement to be charitable”, and he gives a million to the party generally and also smaller donations to – who do we hate most? – Ed Balls.

Let’s get this perfect Labour guy who looks like your dad to give, what’s a really large private sum, fifty thousand pounds to Ed Balls’ office. Perfect.

But you want to have him personally corrupt? Is that really necessary? What, watching porn on his work computer as a Labour councillor? Okay, it’s a Harriet Harman sort of crime but -

You want him to be contracting rent boys? The chairman of the Co-op bank hiring rent boys? I guess it’s not imposs-

You want him to be doing DRUG DEALS? Now it’s too much. What sort of drugs? CRYSTAL METH?

You want him to look like everyone’s father, chair a Labour bank, give money to Labour shadow cabinet names, and be a rent-boy-seeking Labour councilor buying CRYSTAL METH in a car? It’s too much.

Smear-wise it’s beyond anything previously attempted.

More seriously, it will damage the whole smearing industry.

Friday, November 22, 2013

WATCH: Rob Ford: The Movie

Special Offer of the Day

Arena Flowers wins for their outstanding effort at shoehorning Rev Flowers into a promotional offer. Promo code “crystalmethodist”…

Coke-Snorting Co-op Boss’ Night With Chuka

Rev Flowers has been nicked as Labour’s Co-op embarrassment makes the front pages once again this morning. By far Guido’s favourite story of the day however is this little gem found by the Sun, who have got hold of Facebook messages written by Flowers in which he lusts over a certain party loving Labour frontbencher:

Thank god he didn’t favourite anything on Twitter…

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Drug Banter from Dave the Rave

It was all banter, mate.

Cameron declared that he was only joking when he accused Michael Meacher of being on mind altering substances. Something the PM and Chancellor would know all about.

Dave admitted he smoked pot and has never denied taking cocaine, even when he was asked whether he took it after he was elected. When asked by Alex Thomson of Channel Four News, all he confirmed was he hadn’t snorted since 2001:

AT: “If you were asked have you ever taken class A drugs as an MP, would you answer that question?”

DC: “I have always said that lawmakers cannot be lawbreakers. All I have said about my past, though, is that what is private in the past should remain private.”

AT: “If I asked you if you’d snorted cocaine as an MP, you’d therefore say No, wouldn’t you?”

DC: “That’s right, but please, I mean, I think we’ve dealt with this issue…”

AT: “So that’s ‘No’?”

DC: “I’ve absolutely answered your question.”

AT: “Say No.”

DC: “I’ve just said No.”

AT: “Thank you. Right. We can move on.”

That’s a rather extended “normal university experience”. 


Seen Elsewhere

Does Europe Really Want Britain to Quit? | Nick Wood
Immigration Nation | Hopi Sen
Tories Choose Anti-Israel Candidate in Rochester | JC
Osborne’s Daycare Obsession is a Time Bomb | Kathy Gyngell
BBC Marr Pinko Trying to Ban the Queen | Speccie
Eric Hobsbawm: Companion of Dishonour | Standpoint
Guido Party Gossip | Iain Dale
Russell Brand Comes Out as 9/11 Truther | Guardian
Health Revolution is Underway | Fraser Nelson
UKIP Gets Professional | Red Box
Kelly Tolhurst Wins Rochester Open Primary | BBC


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Austrian Chancellor Werner Faymann on Cameron’s refusal to pay the £1.7 billion EU bill by December 1st:

“Well, then he’s gonna pay on December 2nd”



Mycroft says:

Have you read the last bit of Animal Farm?

You know where the animals are looking through the Farmhouse window?

My TV screen was that window at lunch-time today.

Be careful, the sudden self-congratulatory tone, the slightly pudgy outline of indulgence and you become exactly what you should despise.

The jolly face of the Quisling Cameron poses for your camera has mesmerised and deceived you, you who were once not so deceived.

You were no firebrand, you were a damp squib in my opinion, sorry.

You need a damned good kick up the ahse!


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