Guido hasn’t booked a bed in Brum – any good recommendations? Preferably within falling down distance of the epicentre. Ended up staying in between a brothel and a lap-dancing joint last year in Blackpool. Didn’t say it was a complete disaster…

UPDATE 14.00 Saturday : Have managed to find somewhere 4 star for less than £200 a night. Mal Maison still has rooms at £440 available, which is more than Guido paid to stay at the Carlton in Cannes, where the food and views are (Guido suspects) slightly better than in Brum. Many thanks for the suggestions.

So last night Guido gingerly broached with Mrs Fawkes the subject of going missing in Birmingham at the end of the month:

Iain Dale, who is bravely going to all the party conferences, asks what facilities are being offered to bloggers by the U.K. parties this conference season? In the U.S. they are being feted by the parties to some degree. Guido believes that Microsoft is providing free internet connections at both the Labour and Tory conferences – which is a sign that they must see power moving since they have usually kept close to New Labour and the Tories had more of an affinity with Google. (Obviously both corporation’s public affairs teams will deny it, pointing out the diverse backgrounds of different individuals.)

Not sure what special facilities bloggers really require. You can blog from your laptop with a 3G card, or at a push your Blackberry* or iPhone. Is it worth the parties making any effort to offer special access or have briefings for bloggers? Maybe if they want to shape the reporting. To be honest briefings tend to be worth very little, bloggers would be best advised going and getting their own stories rather than just regurgitating the spin handed out. That is what the lobby is for…

Guido is going to hit the bright lights of Birmingham for the Tory conference but is frankly unable to face going to all the conferences, even declining one corporate titan’s invitation to join his table at the Labour gala dinner – unarmed.

It was not quite politics babylon on St James – Diane Abbott cosying up to Jonathan Aitken, Andrew Neil cosying up to a bevy of dusky maidens (really), Matthew d’Ancona cosying up to no one in particular. Guido dropped in on the Speccie party. They had heavies in the undergrowth, yet still Guido squeezed in.

Dave apparently did his usual 15 minutes of smiling, showing his face to friends thing, before heading back to Notting Hill (Guido arrived late, so that is second hand, possibly even completely untrue). Coulson was chatting cheerfully to some totty. The co-conspirator’s sweetheart – little Jenny of the Bank of England – was inquiring as to her permanent successor on the Daily Politics - still no news. Melanie Philips actually looked jolly, Simon Hoggart looked lost, Katy Taylor-Richards was wearing a short skirt.

It was as packed as the proverbial tin of sardines. Guido experimented with the cocktail of the night – sponsored by the Ardbeg whisky firm – it was a very strong sort of a whisky sour with Grand Marnier. Guido thinks he will be snoring on the sofa through Diane and Brillo tonight…

Friday night saw a surprise party for Michael Howard, the well attended party in the constituency saw warm video tributes from Margaret Thatcher, David Cameron and John Major. The John Major video set may have seemed familiar to Howard – it was filmed in his office with Major sitting in his seat, a reversal that some might have found amusing…

The UK Libertarian Party has invited David Davis to join them, after he resigned as an MP over the 42 day detention law.

Patrick Vessey, party leader says:

So contrary to early reports and rejoicing this morning on the unpopular blogs, Guido is still at liberty. Sentenced to a 3 year driving ban, plus 3 month curfew. No excuses, Guido pleaded guilty.

Mrs Fawkes laughed at the news, she has been trying to get her husband home early for years. Guido attributes his shameful behavior to excess alcohol and an early reading of P J O’Rourke’s Republican Party Reptile*.

Thanks to all those of you who sent best wishes and to the not at all obsessed T** I****** for turning up to offer, errm, support in the public gallery. Having demurred to the offer of an alcohol treatment program, Guido will continue to drink and now be chauffeur-driven home early.

*The Platform of the Republican Party Reptiles:

If you are the daughter of an MP, living in Kentish Town, shacked up with a druggie barrister inclined to having loud all-night parties – turn the noise down.* Your neighbour is threatening to out you…

*And you never thought to invite Guido…

Alan Duncan is tying the knot with James Dunseath it is announced on the Court & Social page of the Telegraph. Some serious social changes are encapsulated in that, not so long ago the only Queen on that page was Elizabeth II, and the letters pages were full of outrage at gay marriages.

Congratulations to Alan and James…

Big Brother has brought together the usual collection of crazies – starting off with an all girl line-up. For fans of political totty there is an interest, Emily Parr is an aspiring actress, who politically considers herself to be right wing and will be voting Conservative at the next election.

The Sun reports her “coke-fuelled lesbian romp in front of pals at a party”. They picture the posh 19-year-old looking wasted next to a toilet. You get the hint.

Partygoers were apparently stunned as she stripped another girl. “Emily then fondled her boobs before disappearing into a bedroom with her for the night… She also performed crude acts on lads at the bash and did a raunchy lapdance for one … One partygoer said: ‘We were at this girl’s house outside Bristol last April and I saw Emily sniffing coke in the kitchen.’”

Why doesn’t Guido get to go to parties like this any more?