Monday, August 4, 2014

MacShame on Christmas Behind Bars

No Guardian column for ex-con Denis MacShane, so he’s publishing his prison diaries instead. Readers will have nothing but sympathy for the crook who spent Christmas Day in the clink:

Christmas Day

9.50am: My door opens and a screw barks, ‘Catholic service…’ The mass is brisk and to the point.

To my surprise, Asil Nadir reads one of the lessons. I vaguely know his story as the Polly Peck tycoon who gave hundreds of thousands to the Conservative Party in the 1980s then went back to his native Turkish Cyprus where he avoided extradition after his company went bust.

I chat briefly to him afterwards. He has read about my case and shrugs his shoulder as if to say, ‘British politics, what do you expect?’

It’s a time to shower, to make a phone call, play pool, clean out your cell, fill in forms and chat. Officers can allow it to run for up to two hours or just thirty minutes.

More than anything, I want to call my children, Laura and Benjamin, and my partner Vicky. But there is only one phone for 80 prisoners on the spur.

I wonder if any Prison Minister knows what it is like when you cannot say happy Christmas to your children.

At the final meal of the day. I opted for a half-chicken – a special for Christmas – only to be told all the chickens had gone. In other words, the servers had given the half-chicken to their mates.

Instead it was two thin slices of industrial turkey. At least there was a tiny cocktail sausage with a bit of bacon and a smidgen of stuffing.

The heart bleeds…

Monday, July 14, 2014

MPs Moan as IPSA Boss Wants Second Term

Sir Ian Kennedy, Chairman of their expenses watchdog IPSA, will be seeking another term as chief defender against the piggy-fiddlers, Despite being widely disliked by both MPs and officials, Sir Ian has told friends he has ‘thrown his hat in again’ despite some confusion about whether he’s even allowed to serve a second term in the £100,000 job.

Well at least MPs of all colours will have something to grumble about for the summer.

Thursday, July 3, 2014

Finally a Politician Begs for Expenses Forgiveness

Japanese politician Ryutaro Nonomura has committed career harakiri, spectacularly bursting into tears at a press conference over questions about him fiddling his expenses:

Guido would like to see this level of remorse a little closer to home…

UPDATE: In GIF form:

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Stella’s Munchies

Still reeling from #BiscuitGate, Stella Creasy is using recess to escape from her angry constituents – for whom of course the holidays are over – by taking a trip to Amsterdam. Remember Stella, if you get the munchies, don’t claim for your snacks on expenses this time…

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

GuyNews Special: Walthamstow’s #BiscuitGate Outrage

Expenses are back in the news, so the Guy News special rapporteur decided to travel to sunny Walthamstow to ask Stella Creasy’s constituents what they thought about their MP’s #BiscuitGate troughing. A complaint was sent to the Parliamentary Standards Commissioner after St. Ella claimed £30.98 on expenses for Jammie Dodgers, chocolate fingers, kettle chips, sensations, Viennese biscuits, onion rings and Starburst sweeties for Labour Party volunteers.

The people of Walthamstow have spoken…

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Telegraph Side with Nige

The Telegraph would usually be the first out of the traps on an expenses story, but they’ve decided it will be more fun to side with the ‘Kippers and knock the Times today. Brogan has been activated and is talking down the story. The polling, it seems, would agree with his angle, namely that scandal is wasted on Farage because – like Boris – the public have warmed to him. Nothing like a bit of mudslinging to liven up a dull day though.

Payback Times: Hack Hits Back at ‘Kipper

Times hack Billy Kenber has hit back at claims from UKIP that they borked the figures in their story this morning.

From: “Kenber, Billy”
Date: 15 April 2014 10:14:05 BST
To: David Samuel-Camps
Cc: Alexi Mostrous, Nigel Farage
Subject: Re: Your report

Hi David,

The difference between the two figures lies in the way Ukip MEP’s break down their transparency reports.

This includes various categories – of which the one of relevance to rent is “office management and running costs” which covers rent, utilities, insurance, business rates and cleaning. In his transparency reports Farage claims to have spent £15,500 a year solely on this category since July 2009. This does not include office equipment, phone bills and stationery which fall under “communication costs” and “stationery, periodicals, subscriptions”.

As you say, the total monthly cost for all office expenditure was £700 (down from £2,000 when you managed to cancel various locked-in contracts for things like unnecessary amounts of printer ink) which I asked you to break down into its constituent parts – something we went through twice to ensure accuracy.

You said that utilities and insurance amounted to less than £100 a month and that council tax/business rates were £150 (I looked it up and it was £149 a month for the current financial year 2013). Hence the figure of £250 a month, which is £3,000 a year. The remaining £450 a month falls under the two other categories outlined above.

Bognor Regis is the nearest well-known town for readers who are less familiar with the West Sussex coast.

Best wishes,
Billy

Media Guido, your one stop shop for airing dirty laundry in public…

Farage Against The Machines

With Dermot #Murnaghan putting the boot in over office expenses, Farage explains how his office electricity bill was £3,000. It’s all the machines…

Sums Don’t Add Up for Times Front Page UKIP Story
Outraged Source: I Was Misquoted, Demands Retraction

Guido said this morning that this would get messy, and as predicted, one of the Times’ sources is now kicking back. In a letter to the journalists who wrote the story, David Samuel-Camps says he was misquoted:

“Mr Kenber and Mr Mostrous,

Re: Nigel Farage and office costs

I am extremely concerned that in your report you have distorted my responses to your questions regarding the Lyminster office costs.

On the front page you quote me as stating that the costs were £3000 per year.  This is grossly incorrect.  I told you that the previous manager had tied the office into some supply contracts and as a result the monthly costs were some £2000.  I told you several times that I eventually reduced the costs to £700 per month.  When I went to school we were taught the times tables and that £700 times 12 equals £8400 (which is not too far removed from Mr Farage’s £1000 per month) so where on earth did you come up with a figure of £3000?

At no time did I say that “electricity, heating, and business rates at the office totalled less than £250 a month”.  I told you that I could not remember the individual amounts as it was over four years ago but they would have been in the region of £200 each.

Later, you then contradict yourselves by quoting me as saying that the costs were £700 per month – which is correct.  You asked me a number of times about the £700/month figure which I confirmed several times; again I have to ask how does £700 per month equate to £3000 per year?  I should also point out that our conversations were witnessed.

To the best of knowledge and belief I was completely honest in my answers and resent the fact that those answers have been completely distorted.  I did warn you that there is a small minority who are “mischief makers” – one in particular who would go to any lengths to destroy Mr Farage’s reputation.

I expect you to publish corrections as outlined above.

Finally, I should point out that the Lyminster is nowhere near Bognor Regis; it is on the outskirts of Littlehampton, a fact that could have been verified by looking at an AA road atlas!

David Samuel-Camps BA (Hons) Dip. PA”

To a completely impartial observer like Guido, this doesn’t look good. If what Samuel-Camps is saying is true they should go to the PCC…

Farage Lays Into Times Editor and Fink

A very grumpy Farage has directly attacked Times Editor John Witherow and Danny Finkelstein:

Guido is not sure ‘well I haven’t murdered anyone’ is the best line of defence…


Seen Elsewhere

Speaker Bercow Defeated | BBC
Nigel Farage is Bigger Than Jesus | Speccie
Year of Sleaze | City AM
Top 10 UKIP Donors | London Loves Business
Tory Candidate Leaflet Blooper | Get West London
Why Aren’t Middle Class Voting Tory? | Sun
UKIP Do Not Have Monopoly on Fruitcakes | Danny Finkelstein
Ed Must Stop Dithering | Mary Riddel
Ed Cannot Rebuild Trust From Westminster | Rafael Behr
An Open Letter to Russell Brand | "Jo"
Merry Bin-Mas From the Greens | Speccie


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Labour insiders turn on Ed over Powell’s latest gaffe:

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