See you later.

“Good things come to those who wait.”

*Still waiting for a “free sample”.

UPDATE : Many thanks to Corney & Barrow for the offer of a free Guinness.

The Chief Medical Officer, Dr Liam Donaldson, full of festive cheer, warns “The more [children] get a taste for it, the more likely they are to be heavy drinking adults or binge drinkers later in childhood.” Does he have any hard evidence for this?

Guido’s dummy was dipped in brandy and it never did him any harm…

Yesterday Mrs Bercow told the Standard of her “ladette” two bottles of wine and one night stands past. Many often wonder how the pint-sized Speaker managed to end up with the six foot something “cross between Jerry Hall, Lady Macbeth and Eva Peron” and now thanks to this morning’s Metro everything becomes clearer:

Speaker John Bercow has been credited as the author of a sex tip guide which told men how to “pick up drunk girls … ‘The John Bercow Guide’ to understanding women” appeared in ‘Armageddon’, a Conservative student magazine, in 1986 – when Bercow was a Lambeth councillor. The guide included categories on ‘How to pick up drunk girls’, ‘How to pick up virgins’, ‘How to pick up refined girls’, ‘How to get rid of a girl during sex’ and ‘How to get rid of a girl after sex’.

Like global warming, the John Bercow Guide’s pick-up strategies are an interesting theory.  Guido isn’t entirely sure lines like “If you’re free later maybe we could go back to your place and name your breasts” ever really work.  In fact funnily enough Guido can’t recall Bercow even having a girlfriend back in those days.  Anyway he has done well to land an experienced girl like Sally, particularly now she has sobered up.

Guido thinks Sally looks vaguely familiar, but it was over a decade ago, Guido was very, very drunk that night and was never good at remembering names…

UPDATE : Bad Al Campbell, another reformed drunk, is sticking up for Sally. What a surprise…

Guido wandered into the Fabian’s Christmas party on the terrace of the Houses of Parliament. The booze, Guido noticed with some amusement, was sponsored by Serco, the private-sector outsourcing outfit.  That irony would see the Fabian’s founders, the Clause Four authoring Webbs, spinning in their graves.  Sunda Katawala told the assembled drinkers that Fabian Society membership was at an historic high, which is quite an achievement  by him given Labour Party membership is at an historic low.

Yvette Cooper was the star turn, Guido was mesmerised by her green leather boots so didn’t follow the thread of her argument closely, think it involved Etonians eating babies and David Cameron personally slaughtering first borns at Sure Start centres.  She did a lot of that head-nodding thing she does for emphasis.

The former Defence Minister Eric Joyce seemed demob happy and confirmed just how miffed Cathy Newman was when Guido beat her to getting his resignation story out.

When the booze ran out Guido slipped into the Stranger’s Bar for some subsidised Guinness (think of it as a tax-rebate) and chatted with blogging Labour MPs Greg Pope (also demob happy) and Tom Harris.  Late in the evening a tired and emotional Peter Kilfoyle exploded at the bar “You’re Guido Fawkes, you’re Guido Fawkes” ranting bitterly about a story exposing him for paying his daughter’s firm out of expenses.  He tried to have Guido thrown out of the bar, shouting to the patient barman about the injustices of this blog’s editorial policies.  Guido was a little worried that the red-in-the-face Kilfoyle was going to have a coronary…

Lovely to see dozens of co-conspirators last night.  No doubt there will be embarrassing pictures.  Thanks to everyone who bought Guido a Guinness, it went better than you think with the Pimms.  The Karoake later in the evening was legend.  Guido then found himself in a nightclub full of teenagers in Soho at one in the morning, realised he was the “Disco Daddy” and left.   Mrs Fawkes was very understanding about the lack of keys and directed her husband to the spare room.

The good weather has made Guido unwell.  It was because of the sunshine that Guido drunk a couple of jugs of Pimms.  Which led to a few beers, which led to a sip of Jack Daniels which possibly led to a Baileys. It was a bit fuzzy by this point.  This was in the evening, lunchtime had already seen a few bottles polished off in remembrance of Lord Rennard.  Mostly the weather is to blame.

Meantime enjoy Jon Stewart’s take on Scamalot:

Guido was on the Commons terrace last night drinking subsidised Guinness.  In the bar were some of the shadiest racketeers in Britain, hanging around for a Finance Bill vote on Bingo (Guido kids you not). In the bar were wannabee Red Rag bloggers Charlie Whelan and Kevin “Make it up” Maguire – they made a swift exit before Guido could say “hello”.  Gordon’s thuggish enforcer and chief whip Nick Brown was holding court like the mafia boss he resembles.  A glum Lembit was literally propping up the bar all night.  Outside on the terrace another disgraced LibDem, Andrew George, was glued to his mobile phone – no doubt still spinning that his daughter “sometimes” stays at his taxpayer financed flat – in reality it is him who sometimes stays there from Monday to Wednesday night and his daughter is there all week.  (If he wants to challenge Guido on this he’ll be sorry).

Geoff Hoon was glumly sipping his beer, he downed his last pint and did that “I know who you are” stare thing that Labour figures have taken to doing with Guido, before  presumably leaving for the bed we have bought for him.  Rosie Winterton, Phil Woolas and a large gang of Labour cronies all looked pretty miserable.  The low morale of Labour MPs was palpable, the perfect storm of smear and sleaze revelations has broken them.  Guido will drink to that for some time…

Guido is off for a picnic in the sunshine, when he gets back he will be shining a light into Labour HQ’s links to Red Rag. Will also try and jog the memory of Guido’s drinking buddy, Kevin Maguire.

Will however give co-conspirators something to pass the time. Some months ago on a Wednesday afternoon after PMQs, Guido found himself in the Westminster Arms ordering a pint of Guinness.  As you do.  He turned around to see Kevin Maguire and Damian McBride in the corner.  Maguire spotted Guido – yes those red pants are a bit of a giveaway – Kevin motioned to Damian in Guido’s direction.  Guido returned to his stout and checked his email at the bar.

A minute later someone jostled his left arm, spilling Guinness.  Guido turned to see a bloated Damian McBride, tenner in hand, looking straight ahead and studiously ignoring him in a definitely-not-apologising manner. So do you punch the Prime Minister’s spin doctor in the face there and then, or given you are a Guinness drinker, take your time over getting revenge?  “Good things come to those who wait.”

Following a party thrown by Eric Pickles a drunken fracas took place – inquiring minds want to know who got nicked and had to sober up in the cells?  Been there, done that, got the t-shirt…

UPDATE : Paul Waugh has the full story.