CCHQ Staffer: Knock, knock…
GF: Who’s there?
CCHQ: Sarah…
GF: Sarah who?
CCHQ: Yeah, exactly.

Nothing like a bit of gallows humour, but the more information that emerges, the more this looks like an accident waiting to happen…

Reportedly on the verge of being sacked for incompetence as a coordinator in 2007,  Southern mysteriously quit on the day she was due to meet HR and senior staff. Conveniently Lord Ashcroft immediately gave her a job working for the International Young Democrat Union, which he was bankrolling at the time. This was during the height of his empire in CCHQ which included multiple desk spaces and his own glass office. Southern stayed around CCHQ reporting to Ashcroft until 2009 when everyone seemed to have forgotten about the whole mystery non-sacking. She then joined the events team though Guido has been unable to stand up her claims that she went shopping with Sam Cam on election day. CCHQ Op-Notes from the time suggest she was the logistics contact for a Cameron speech in Carlisle the day before…

The photograph on her now infamous business card was taken at the CCHQ thank you party after the election in the Rose Garden at Downing Street. Southern did not make it into government and instead embarked on a career in public affairs. Lobbying industry insiders tell Guido that they were put off  by her “it is not what you know, but who” attitude and belief that it would be enough to secure her work. In interviews she blamed the coalition for a lack of job in No.10 and boasted that she was at the peak of her insider knowledge and thus the perfect time to move on.  With no agency seemingly willing to take her on, she set up Sarah Southern Consulting. And the rest they say is history…

The line that will haunt her forever will be the Draperesque “I am friends with all the people who are now his closest advisers. I’m friends with the people who are chiefs of staff to members of the cabinet. I’m also friends with a number of people in the cabinet”. Those friends tell Guido that the one time insider “accepts she’s f****d”.

Don’t worry Sarah, bragging about contacts didn’t stop Dolly coming back… 

Labour’s Quiet Digital Revolution – Alex Smith

A niche one this week, but a bottle of Glenfiddich for the wittiest winner…

Despite Gordon Brown saying  there was “no place in public life” for him, Draper is back in the fold and singing his heart out as his old chum Tom Watson looks on at last night’s fundraiser for Ed Miliband’s Political Adviser Polly Billington’s shoo-in selection bid for the Thurrock constituency. As he can’t be seen in shot, presumably McBride is holding the camera…

With the Labour bloggers taking their lines from direct meetings with Ed Miliband, Political Scrapbook doing the red-raggy ones and Left Foot Forward and LabourList parroting press releases, it is as if Draper’s vision has finally been achieved. Only after he got out of the way…

UPDATE: Amusing snippets coming in from last night from all sorts of places. Apparently Polly and Ed Balls sung Endless Love and Dolly did three songs. Who knew Like a Rolling Stone had thirteen verses…

Yes that’s right, Miliband’s most senior adviser Tom Baldwin was happily chatting away with Dolly. The above picture was grabbed during Ed Miliband’s speech. We all know what happened last time Dolly got chatting with a Labour spindoctor…

Guido was greatly amused to be semi-threatened by a tanked up James Macintyre in the conference bar. Apparently Make-it-up-Macintyre was “surprised in the current climate” that we would be regurgitating those emails between him and Draper. What’s he going to do, get us sacked?

2 a.m. Derek Draper decadently pouring champagne at the Jury's Inn Bar in Liverpool…—
Eye Spy MP (@eyespymp) September 28, 2011

His close friend Gloria was showing a bit of leg:

Gloria Del Piero wearing exceptionally short dress to host Gala Dinner—
Eye Spy MP (@eyespymp) September 27, 2011

Love is in the air according to a co-conspirator propping up the conference bar in the Jury’s Inn Hotel.

“Luciana and Chuka arrived hand in hand at the bar at Jury’s very late last night and were all over each other. It maybe back on.”

The beautiful people back together, Guido loves a happy ending…

It looked like he was mouthing “absolutely brilliant”…

Guido wonders whether Ruskin will be a bit more successful than Dolly’s previous ventures Flow Video and the me-too Groupon-clone start-up GoodyPass, that he’s running with his wife Kate fronting it. We can’t really see how the new venture is doing given that the company behind it - Fulfill Media Ltd, the renamed Flow Video Ltd, claims in a Companies House filing that, despite being in business over a year, it is non-trading and has as yet produced no accounts. Hmm…

As ever rumours abound as to Derek Draper’s financial situation, Kate’s pay cut won’t have helped and an internet start-up like GoodyPass is certain to not be turning a profit. Will his new publishing business do any better? As Guido reported on Friday the company has launched Tangled Up In Blue – a critique of Blue Labour – which is unlikely to have an appeal beyond left-wing wonks. The website states “no unsolicited manuscripts” which seems a little odd for a publishing house which presumably would thrive on publishing manuscripts. It would however be a lot of hassle one supposes and also involve hard work. Nevertheless rumours are swirling of an investment and help from Tom Baldwin’s millionaire heiress wife, Rebecca Nicolson. (Guido is awaiting confirmation as to whether Nicholson, who has her own publishing house Short Books, has put up the money for Draper. Suffice to say that as we go to pixel she hasn’t denied it)

If Derek’s previous relationship with Labour Party spin-doctors is anything to go by, this will surely be a recipe for disaster…

If Dolly was hoping to launch with a bang, Guido would have recommended publishing a book that will appeal to more than just a particularly dull subsection of the New Statesman readership. Though having said that, those well known cash splashers The Guardian have already bought the serialisation rights to Rowenna Davis’s Tangled Up In Blue – a critique of Blue Labour. Since Blue Labour seems stillborn the book must surely be something of a post mortem. Guido was a little surprised Ms. Davis would be so willing to rekindle her professional relationship with Draper after what she said about her previous encounters:

“When I first met the site’s regular editor Derek Draper and his all-male staff to discuss potential questions for an online survey, he suggested with a grin that I ask “Is domestic violence always wrong?” and then spent the rest of the afternoon trying to set me up with James Purnell.”

And that was before Guido leaked Draper’s emails discussing her merits with his close personal friend, James Macintyre:

From: Derek Draper
Sent: 03 March 2009 15:19
To: James Macintyre; Roger Liddle

what’s the answer, though?

(if you are single you should pop in here on friday morning as we have the delectable rowenna davies here guest editing labourlist for international womens day)

fowrad to a harman led labour party

x

From: James Macintyre
To: Derek Draper; Roger Liddle
Sent: Tuesday, 3 March, 2009 15:15:49

He is very tall, handsome in a bookish sort of way. Very █████ and █████.

I am very much single and in need to remedy that. I ███ █████ ███ ██ Friday – who is this woman? Otherwise will have to try and pull Harman..

x

From: Derek Draper
Sent: 03 March 2009 15:26
To: James Macintyre; Roger Liddle

he sounds like a queer

(she says she’s a freelance journalist, quite lefty, very beautiful)

From: James Macintyre
To: Derek Draper
Sent: Tuesday, 3 March, 2009 15:24:35

well you called her delectable then appeared not to know her – anyway i see she is now v v fit – ridiculously beautiful – why she editing it – so you can look at her?

NO BECAUSE I AM LEADING A RADICAL OONLINE MOVEMENTA ND I HAVE ALWAYS EMBREACED THE FEMINIST CAUSE

thanks for emailing the labour woman – please let me know what her response is however negative – even if she says “i have heard he is a total wanker” as i know she will reply to you. x

Needless to say Macintyre was unsuccessful on his mission. Although Draper will apparently be keeping a low profile, he has been seen on the terrace with Gloria Del Piero with increasing frequency of late. Guido would like to take this opportunity to welcome him back to the scene. Oh how we have missed you…

Among the Blairite acolytes (Rentoul was in the chair) was Guido’s old friend Dolly Draper. Westminster is seeing too much of Dolly. Mandelson told the Progress crowd “If I talk about the past it is to learn from it, not to go back to it.”

We can but hope…

*A co-conspirator points out that in an oddly Orwellian piece of censorship this “money quote” is missing from the official report on the Progress website.

As regular readers will know Guido has had a less than cordial relationship with the thirsty sidekick of Derek Draper. There are two different versions of events as to what happened after the Statesman’s Labour Party Conference bash. Macintyre claims he was mugged on the way home, but witnesses say he was paralytic. Either way he didn’t wake up with his work laptop or phone. He was put on leave, but has now finally been shown the door after months of humiliating errors and dud stories.

In honour of his departure Guido thought he would list of some James’s Greatest Hits:

How can anyone forget when he called Michael Kaminski, the current leader the Tory ECR group of MEPs, a neo-nazi, on camera? Or when he accused the whole Conservatives of being institutionally racist? What about that time he got the Staggers sued for some serious cash by Daniel Hannan for equally outrageous claims?

There have also been some fantastic quotes from the widely respected journalist. By far the greatest must be those that showed his incredible foresight:

“With a few exceptions, the dark briefings by ministers against other ministers within Labour went away with the departure from Number Ten of Tony Blair”

He was destroyed by the Tory bloggers during the election after making up a story about them based on a menu he found. He also called the election for Labour:

“a small overall majority for Labour is the most likely outcome”

Guido has had some hilarious run ins, such as the time young James accused him of working for the Intelligence Services. Guido was particularly proud of of his put down.

Who could forget the his email chain with his former “close friend” Derek Draper about the cuteness of boys and girls, and the drunken denial of an unasked question at Tory Conference in Manchester 2008:

“I did not have sex with Derek Draper”

One of the final straws that broke the camel’s back must have been his calling of the Labour leadership for Diane Abbott. Presumably post lunch.

It is not known at this time whether he has finally got that job he coveted so much with Ed Miliband…