#BringBackClarkson: Premature Telegraph?

After the Telegraph claimed over night that he was Jeremy Clarksoff, we get this:

Ohhhh.

Labour are the Response Team

Guido has had some fun with centralised attempts from Labour HQ to win the online battle in the past, so imagine his joy to be invited to join their latest wheeze. This season’s Derek Draper / Damian McBride / Kerry McCarthy is tubby two fingered typer Jon Ashworth, who has emailed supporters in a  bid to set up a rapid online rebuttal unit:

“We can’t outspend the Tories to rebut their smears, and we can’t rely on the media to do it for us (spoiler: they won’t). So we’re taking matters into our own hands — and that’s where you come in. We’re calling it the Labour Response Team — a team of grassroots activists fighting back by exposing the Tories’ dirty tactics and highlighting their real record. I’m looking to recruit a few thousand of Labour’s most committed members and supporters to join this new team — and I want you to be a part of it.”

In other words: we tell you what to Tweet.

Amusingly Ashworth breaks the first rule of firefighting in the first line of his call to arms email. Never, ever, repeat the charge:

“The Tories have a plan to win this election…”

It’s fitting though. Labour’s entire campaign so far – from the ‘a better plan’ slogan down – has been totally reactive.

Clarkson to be Sacked Tomorrow: Report

jeremy-clarkson

The Telegraph has the story:

Jeremy Clarkson is to be sacked as Top Gear presenter after a BBC investigation concluded he did attack a producer on the programme.

Lord Hall, the Director General of the BBC, is expected to announce his decision on Wednesday after considering the findings of an internal investigation.

Clarkson, 54, will be thanked for his work on the hugely popular motoring show, but will be told such behaviour cannot be tolerated at the Corporation.

It is understood a report into the so-called ‘fracas’ at a North Yorkshire hotel,concluded that presenter spent 20 minutes verbally abusing producer Oisin Tymon, before launching a 30 second physical assault on him.

Chris Evans is being lined up as his replacement. The BBC ignores the will of the licence fee payer once again…

Jazz Hands: Telegraph’s Secret Ronnie Scott’s Briefing Goes Tits Up

Handbags over in The Lobby as the Telegraph un-invite any hack not from the Telegraph to a Telegraph/Ad Week event with Lynton Crosby:

After briefing the event out, invitations have now been withdrawn. Yet something tells Guido the national media are going to turn up anyway…

Salmond Orders Pink, Causes Stink

The former First Minister sat down to be interviewed by the Staggers‘ Jason Cowley and ordered a bottle of pink champagne, which reminded Guido of this picture. Meanwhile, Salmond also appears to have shot down any hope the Tories had on relying on SNP numbers post May 7:

“The Tories would have to go straight effectively for a vote of confidence, usually the Queen’s Speech, although it could be otherwise, of course, and we’d be voting against. So if Labour joins us in that pledge, then that’s Cameron locked out.”

Salmond confirmed the SNP would instead do a deal with Labour:

“I think… probable would be vote-by-vote [support for Labour], and possible would be confidence and supply. This arrangement is . . . a narrow range of policies, and a narrow range of supported votes, obviously: that’s confidence and supply. And then in turn, of course, there has to be an agreed number of policies . . . not like the full coalition, where you take responsibility for every dot and comma, but a narrow range of policies, in return for which you make it possible for the government to function – over a period of time.”

Shouldn’t he run that by Nicola Sturgeon first…

Boneheaded: Labour Poster Backfiring

“Labour rules out negative election campaign posters” reported the Observer in January, claiming the party had vowed to “occupy the moral high ground” and “raise the tone of debate”Will Ed Balls and Andy Burnham come to regret this poster launch in Harlow at the weekend?

Not only is that a broken leg being used to represent “Tory cuts”, experts say it belongs to a child. Even worse, the x-ray suggests they may have been a “victim of child abuse”. Prof Christopher Colton tells the Telegraph:

“There are absolutely clear two episodes of violence and possibly the bone bruise is a third… I have run it past a couple of paediatric colleagues are they both recognised this to be very likely non-accidental injury.”

Classy.

Hancock Making Most of Last Week in Parliament

Self-confessed teen fondler Mike Hancock will only be an MP for a few more days, so odd then that the dodgy old Russophile has been putting down some extremely specific questions about the UK’s defence capabilities:

  • Mike Hancock: To ask the Secretary of State for Defence, how many Royal Navy pilots are in training to enable them to land a fast jet on the Queen Elizabeth-class aircraft carriers.
  • Mike Hancock: To ask the Secretary of State for Defence, how much has been spent on maintenance of HMS Vanguard in each of the last three years.
  • Mike Hancock: To ask the Secretary of State for Defence, how much has been spent on general maintenance of Trident missiles in each of the last three years.
  • Mike Hancock: To ask the Secretary of State for Defence, on how many days Trident submarines have not been at sea in each of the last three years.

Stepping down to spend more time with his KGB handlers?

 

The Nation’s Favourite Focus Group Slaughters Miliband, Again



Miliband V Gogglebox. The gift that keeps on giving…

Rachel Reeves Finally Admits Bedroom Tax is Not a Tax

How does the aspiring Work and Pensions Secretary want to raise money for Labour’s new flagship policy in Scotland?

[…]

+ READ MORE +

Marcus Roberts Out at Fabian Society

The fierce Miliband critic turned Times and Guardian writer is leaving the Fabian Society. It’s all amicable:

“After three and a half great years at the Fabians I’m moving on to a new adventure after the election. Working on issues

[…]

+ READ MORE +

Labour Park “Working Class Wagon” on Double Yellow

VAN

Labour’s latest van is another roaring success…

Guido has been wondering why exactly this van is even parked on the parliamentary estate, given that is clearly party political. It spent the night in the Norman Shaw car park. MPs are […]

+ READ MORE +

Crosby Declares: “I’d S**k Off David Cameron”

It’s all go down under. In a wide-ranging pre-election intervention, the cast of Geordie Shore, MTV’s Newcastle-based genitourinary gorefest, have had their say on the party leaders. True blue Charlotte Crosby brings the PM some positive news, at last:

“I’d

[…]

+ READ MORE +



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Quote of the Day

Labour’s Austin Mitchell muses on the campaign:

“What’s the problem? No use pointing at the leader. Too late to change and unnecessary for Miliband is doing well at Question Time. His problem is connecting with the real world. He doesn`t speak people and his protective team of naive kids are playing West Wing rather than letting the leader relate to real people. We could point at the party, shrunk in numbers and enthusiasm because everything, from policy formulation to candidate selection, comes top down rather than bubbling up from below so campaigning becomes the opium of members deprived of any real role, though they`re not even sure what they’re campaigning about, with or for, but its role is marginal.”

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