Friday, May 1, 2009

Friday Caption Competition

Ed Balls Stirring As Usual

Fight Poverty, Buy Derek’s Book in Oxfam

Derek Draper's Life Support

dolly-kate-damianGuido is getting worried that we have heard nothing from Dolly for some time.  His Twitter no longer tweets and his belligerent banter has burned out.  His Life Support book is on offer for £2.99 in Oxfam.  It was only a month ago that he was hosting the book’s glittering launch party attended by the likes of the powerful Damian McBride and glamorous Kate Garraway, host of TV’s “The Biggest Loser”.

Please buy his book, Guido is getting worried.

Picture taken yesterday in the Oxfam bookshop on Strutton Ground, Westminster by the Stray Taoist.

Over Three Million Hits for the Blog You Love and They Hate

April saw a total of over 3.6m pageviews from 1,382,879 visits by 347,994 visitors making 2,995,765 pageviews plus 680,207 views via RSS feed readers.  Not bad for one guy with a laptop, Blackberry and a penchant for Guinness. With traffic averaging over 100,000 pageviews daily this blog puts traditional political publications like the New Statesman in the shade, forcing the likes of the Indy’s Steve Richards (no fan of Guido: “neither daring or clever”, the feeling is mutual*) to admit that  nevertheless yours truly

is in my view one of the most influential figures in the British media. One day this week I heard five items on the Today programme that followed up his stories or his observations. Politicians have not learnt how to cope with an individual who has as much impact as entire newspapers.

How that growing realisation must really burn Polly, Aaronovitch, Yasmin, Jenkins, Sir Michael and the rest of the commentariat’s mediasaurs.  Like acid.

Examine the front page media agenda last month: Smeargate, Snouts in the Trough, MPs’ expenses and of course the developing “Gordon is bonkers” meme, all topped off nicely with a round of mea culpas on the inside comment pages from the shamed copy takers in the Lobby.  Not forgetting the Damian McBride coup de grâce and resignation tributeWhose acid house tunes were the media elite humming?

Many thanks to you the readers and the advertisers who make this blog more profitable than both the Guardian and Independent combined.

*See also Steve Richards: Fails Numeracy Test and Steve Richards : “Voters Aren’t As Clever As Me”.

May Day! May Day! Labour Lunacy Meltdown

Labour MPs are in complete disarray and the Tories in the form of Alan Duncan reckon the Prime Mentalist is “treading rapidly into realms of complete and utter lunacy”.

The thing is, Labour politicians seem to agree:

  • Mandelson conceded: “It is indeed turning into a bit of a week. It never rains but it pours, it seems.”
  • David Blunkett admitted “We are on a treadmill and we have got to get off”.
  • Tony Wright, the level headed chair of the Public Administration Committee says: “It is rather a large under-statement to say that we are in a bit of a mess.”
  • Gordon Prentice said Gordon’s loony tunes YouTube video “was just too horrible to watch.”
  • Tom Harris warns: “‘Governments fall apart when discipline fails.”
  • Bob Marshall-Andrews judges matters thus “He’s had it. He’s finished. The Prime Minister is complete blown chaff… All my colleagues think so too. For the first time in my life I’ve seen them united. They are united in despair.”
  • Blunkett wants Labour to “avoid self-inflicted wounds”.

Meanwhile rumours circulate that Charles Clarke is ready to inflict some wounds by standing as a stalking horse candidate.  A summer of fun awaits…

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Balls Hits Gordon

Gordon BallsGolf balls that is – what did you think Guido meant?  Down in Sidcup Golfers get the chance to unleash their frustration at the government by aiming golf balls at the faces of Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling. The World of Golf chain of driving ranges in Sidcup, Croydon, New Malden and Glasgow have put up the targets for the pleasure of golfers.

CEO Grant Wright thought it would be a fun and tongue in cheek idea: “We knew it would be a risk but it’s not to be taken seriously and we haven’t had any problems so far.”

Guido reckons he might be the only business booming in the economy right now.

Hat-tip : News Shopper via Cynosarges

8% of LibDem Voters are Mad

The PoliticsHome poll showing that 95% of Tories, 66% 0f LibDems and 50% of Labour voters think the Tories will win the next election is not much of a surprise.

That 8% of voters (who just happen to be LibDem supporters) surprisingly think the LibDems are going to win the general election suggests that they are either just extremely optimistic, mad or lying. Hmmm…

Sion Simon Does It Again

Sion Simon

He has now Tweeted:

Earlier I repeated a joke that was in poor taste, which I now regret. I apologise wholeheartedly for any distress or embarrassment caused.

That will win votes won’t it?  Insult the popular and much loved sensation of the moment.  His skills with video satire and political forecasting have been remarked on before.  He is best mates with Tom Watson, the Minister for Digital Engagement and Mudslinging.  It was Tom who encouraged Labour MPs to twitter.  When comes to twattishness, none can surpass Sion.

Berlusconi’s Euro-Babes

Guido’s favourite euro-politician and media magnate, Silvio Berlusconi, understands that politics is showbusiness for ugly people and he wants to change it into a more pure showbusiness.  You can perhaps understand why with that kind of insight he is a billionaire.

He is unveiling his latest leggy line-up of prospective candidates for his centre-right Party of Freedom in the upcoming Euro-elections:

Camilla Ferranti posed semi-naked for a variety of calendars and magazines and has also appeared in several Italian soap operas. It emerged last year, that Berlusconi had rung the head of the state television company RAI and “suggested” she be given a role in a top TV series.

Barbara Matera is perhaps the most qualified with a science degree but is better known for her appearance in Miss Italia and her TV career where she has appeared as an announcer and in several soaps. “I have always wanted a career in politics but I didn’t feel I was ready but Silvio says I am and I think I will work very well in Strasbourg.”

Angela Sozio has appeared on Grande Fratello, Italy’s Big Brother, and was famously snapped sitting on Berlusconi’s knee two years ago at his luxury villa in Sardinia. The group was dubbed “Berlusconi’s Harem” by the Italian media and in other photographs Angela was seen holding hands with the premier.

Eleonora Gaggioli (above)  has a glittering past as a TV star and a Google search finds plenty of pictures of her posing in her underwear. Like Camilla, Eleonora was also named in the “Silvio tapes” last summer.

Silvio really has it good.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

McBride Changes His Number

Damian McPoisonAnother sighting of Damian McBride, apparently he has been circulating his new mobile number to his Lobby drinking buddies. Guess that means Guido won’t be able to send him any more text messages.

Maybe he can get a job on the Telegraph, after all he has plenty of experience writing copy for them.  He could always write a book.  If he got one out in time for Labour Party conference he could trouser a quick six-figure advance for a smear and tell book.  Obviously it won’t be worth so much after the general election…

+++ Government Loses Gurkha Vote +++

What will put fear into the Labour Party is that it was defeated by a LibDem – Conservative alliance. Cameron and Clegg seemed very at ease with each other in front of the press. Dave even paid tribute to Clegg’s leadership on the issue. Liberal love bombing which has strategic political implications…

Lib Con Alliance


Seen Elsewhere

Comply or Die at Grauniad | MediaGuido
Labour Beats UKIP in South Yorkshire | LabourList
Mock the Week’s Weak Comedy | Nigel Farage
Can Jim Murphy Save Scottish Labour? | Guardian
There is Still Appetite for the Westminster Lunch | Jon Craig
Labour Turn Their Backs on Jewish Community | Dan Hodges
Chivalry is Not Dead | Laura Perrins
Jonathan Jones is a Tw*t | Iain Dale
Second Scotland Poll Suggests Labour Wipeout | Times
Paedo Probe Boss Urged to Quit | Sun
Keynesian Tories Won’t Eliminate Deficit | Tim Montgomerie


VOTER-RECALL
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Zac Goldsmith: “The hon. Gentleman might like to know that today’s Guido Fawkes quote of the day is the one on drug laws that we have heard cited by a number of hon. Members.”

Mike Hancock: “I am delighted to hear that Guido Fawkes is talking about something other than me.”



“Digger” Murdoch says:

Is it just me, or is Nigel Farage just a top hat and a monocle away from being a Batman villain?


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