Inside the Bizarre Lib Dem Manifesto Launch

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Guido headed across the river to the Lib Dem Manifesto launch held in a Battersea warehouse that has been turned into a “creative space.” It was so creative that to accuses the venue, you had to wander down a graffiti strewn brick passageway that opened up into bizarre neon nightclub. At the front was a garishly lit cage where the main event would take place, while strewn around  the edges were Maoist canvases of the dear leader himself in a number of ideological poses. Nick Clegg painting a wall, Nick Clegg watering vegtables, Nick Clegg holding a hammer…

All the press big wigs were there. Quentin Letts had positioned himself nonchalantly leaning against a rusty pillar at the front, sceptically surveying the sandal clad crowd, while Faisal Islam stood agitated at the back, pleading with his producer to stop patronising him. “Just speak clearly and I’ll be fine, I’m just going to do a show and tell”…

Clegg walked into the neon lit ring stage and with casual abandon began addressing the party faithful. “We made Britain better,” clap clap. “The Lib Dems would add heart to a Conservative government and a brain to a Labour one,” clap clap. “Most people want a a stronger economy and a fairer society,” clap clap. Farage bad. Salmond bad. Nick Clegg good, clap clap. The words were coming out with the rhythmic determination of a seppuku death poem. 

With a final ripple of applause and the finishing line in sight, a relieved Clegg settled into taking questions with a rambling self-assuredness. But the venue gremlins weren’t going to be so kind. The sound system went haywire, someone kicked over a fancy LED uplight and the broadcasters gave up on waiting for the thing to finish and started broadcasting from the back in defiance of the hushing from the Lib Dem supporters. They should have spend less on fancy lights and more on a PA system…

UKIP Manifesto in Full

It’s basically all the things Guido wants.

More Booing of Hacks at a Manifesto Launch

Boo.

UKIP Manifesto: Picture Worth a Thousand Words

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On the page of the UKIP manifesto about the importance of education Deputy Leader Paul Nuttall is holding a book called ‘British Rebels and Reformers’.

According to Amazon, it’s a picture book…

LibDem Manifesto In Full

Enjoy…

Eton Ukulele Loon Was Privately Educated

“I didn’t have any eggs and didn’t want to get arrested. I could have shouted but that is boring” says Robin Grey, who hit the headlines this week by serenading the PM with a ukulele and catchy tune about f**king off back to Eton.

“I consider myself to be an activist. The more I travel round the country the more I see what people have in common” he harps on. And what does he have in common with Dave? Private education and posh accent for one. Grey went to the £11, 643 per annum RGS Newcastle…

Labour Candidate Struggles with the Manifesto Message

Watching Ruth Cadbury, Labour parliamentary candidate for Brentford and Isleworth, explain what is in her party’s manifesto is very painful…

Exclusive: Not the Candidate Ed is Sikh-ing

“Are you going to make sure the Sikh vote turns out for us?” was Ed’s first presumptuous question when he met someone in a turban on the train back to London after his manifesto launch:

Unfortunately for him, the friendly Sikh in question was Amandeep Singh Bhogal, the Tory parliamentary candidate for Upper Bann in Northern Ireland. “Well I’m going to make sure the Sikh vote turns out,” said Amandeep before finally revealing all to the Labour leader by producing a Nicola Sturgeon mask from his pocket. Watch to the end for the “gotcha” moment when Ed realises he’s been had…

Poll: Did Ed Eat His Bogies?

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Remember: “Dig for victory!”[…]

+ READ MORE +

Mandarins Given New Labour Holiday Reading List

Bored civil servants have been handed a helpful memo on how to fill up their time until a new government has been selected by those pesky voters:

The bit that really caught Guido’s eye was the pen pushers’ idea of […]

+ READ MORE +

PHOTO EXCLUSIVE: Ed Miliband Picks Nose On Train

Ed Miliband was rather relaxed on the way back from Manchester yesterday following his manifesto launch.

So relaxed in fact, that he decided to have a good dig around on a crowded train:

At least he didn’t try to eat […]

+ READ MORE +

READ: Tory Manifesto in Full

[…]

+ READ MORE +



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Quote of the Day

Sky News ask a “Labour representative” where the local St George’s Day events are. He replies:

“You’re better off asking the UKIP candidate” 

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