PMQs Special Guest Sketch

sketch

First thoughts. I’m sorry, but Jeremy Corbyn. Gotta say it: He’s shabby! The guy looks a mess. No style – no elegance that’s for sure. Definitely needs a new suit, and you know what? I could help him with that. We do a great line in tailoring for party leaders at Trump Suits. Check it out, Jeremy. Seriously. Because do you know what makes it worse? Just look at the place: very elegant. Nice leather seats, chandeliers, wooden ornaments and finery (who carves this stuff? It’s exquisite, real high quality) – Almost as high quality as Trump Tower! Paint some of the benches gold and this could be a really tremendous piece of waterfront real estate. Got serious potential there.

Apart from that  – and I know he gets a lot of stick – I don’t think Corbyn did badly. He certainly made Theresa look real bad on that whole baby thing. It was a smart move to congratulate Conor McGinn on delivering his own child. Can you believe that by the way folks? Delivered it himself! Amazing. Anyway, Theresa, she had no idea about Conor McGinn and his baby, so she responded by talking about Jeremy’s granddaughter! I know, crazy – does he even have a granddaughter? But seriously, how could she not know about Conor McGinn’s baby? Even I knew about it. And congratulations by the way Conor, you’re now in that great period just after they’re born and just before they start becoming super hot. What!? I’m joking! Calm down folks! Ivanka knows I’m joking.

Jeremy had one more hit too to give him credit, when he talked about how only this week “an ex-servicemen was left dying without food in his home due to the government’s sanctions regime”. “It is time”, he went on, “that we ended this institutionalised barbarity against vulnerable people”. Our vets. So important folks. We’ve got to look after them. Just have to. Okay the last line, it needed a bit of work, sure – not very snappy – but he’s right. Theresa didn’t know what to do with this one, I gotta tell ya, and so she went back to an autocue line. She said: “the Labour Party is drifting away from the views of Labour voters”. I mean generally, she’s right, but on this one I think Jeremy was pretty near the voters as it goes. In my experience there’s nothing a blue collar Democrat – or Labour – voter likes more than looking after our vets. Don’t rely on the autocue Theresa, just shoot from the hip. Shoot from the hip. Pow! Pow!

That aside, when it comes to Mrs. M, all I can say is: Wow! She has class. I look at her and I can tell we’re going to do great together. I mean she’s not a ten, but brain wise – in terms of how she thinks – she’s an 11. Total knockout in smart terms. Real smart cookie. Got moxie too. Showed that today standing up to FI-FA. I don’t really know what that is but from what I can gather it sounds like the British version of CHI-NA. You know, the bad guys, well not the really bad guys, but the smart bad guys that are taking our money but showing us so little respect. So little respect for our phony leaders.

Well Theresa said no to FI-FA, she told them straight that, and I quote: “The stance that has been taken by FI-FA has been absolutely outrageous. Our footballers want to recognise and respect those that have given their lives for our safety and security”. You tell ‘em, girl. I mean their respect for the war dead did come as a bit of a curveball to me, because from what I’ve seen – in my view – these British soccer players? Well a lot of the time, they’re semi-literate, borderline sex-pests with a taste for garish design – and a lot of Range Rovers. Which upsets me greatly because the Range Rover is not a good car folks. If you’ve got money, get a Ford or a Chevy. Buy American! But I suppose apart from that they’re good guys: locker-room guys.

The only thing I didn’t get, out the whole show, was how left wing everyone was. Most of the MPs made Barack Obama look like he was some right wing guy. I mean, there’s this one guy, Charles Walker, and the balls on this guy must be like watermelons. So, he gets up, and asks why Louis Smith – a great olympic winning gymnast, great hero – is getting stick for speaking about Islam. So he says: “When people make fun of christianity in this country, it rightly turns the other cheek. When a young gymnast, Louis Smith, makes fun of another religion widely practised in this country, he is hounded on Twitter, by the media, and suspended by his association. What is going on in this country because I no longer understand the rules?” Everyone is completely silent. No one makes so much as a peep. And then Theresa dodged the question, you know what she said back to him? She said: “I think we need to ensure that yes it is right that people can have that freedom of expression, but in doing so we need to respect that that right has a responsibility too, and that responsibility is to recognise the importance of tolerance to others”. Which sounded good, but then I realised I’d basically heard it before in Spiderman. You know Spiderman? It’s the film for children about this human spider who jumps off buildings. That one. Yeah. And yet they all say that it’s Donald J. Trump who’s lowering political debate? Gimme a break.




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Quote of the Day

Sky’s Faisal Islam on the mood in Parliament at the moment:

“It’s a totally febrile atmosphere here. It’s kind of like Game of Thrones meets House of Cards – and if you chuck in the Labour Party – Laurel and Hardy too.”

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