August 29th, 2014

Friday Caption Contest (New Approved Candidate Edition)


324 Comments

  1. 1
    Jack Russell says:

    Data meets Data.

  2. 2
    SS says:

    My new “BackBone”

  3. 3
    Reboot stasi 2.0 says:

    Cyborg sent from the future to terminate Dave Spoon Face

  4. 4
    Redacted says:

    Guess which one is the Robot?

  5. 5
    CCHQ says:

    Dave, meet Dave V2

  6. 6
    Jack Russell says:

    :)

  7. 7
    Robot MP says:

    …and you say you can program it never to resign and call a by-election?
    I’ll buy 100!

  8. 8
    Jack Russell says:

    Robot visits Madame Tussauds.

  9. 9
    Gary Bloke says:

    I think that the headline itself wins the caption contest.

  10. 10
    macjules says:

    “David quickly stopped the robot from responding to Merkel’s Sieg Heil.”

  11. 11
    Angela says:

    It is based on your William Hague prototype, can you see the likeness?

  12. 12
    Robot says:

    I want to wash my hand.

  13. 13
    Anonymous says:

    “If I can’t persuade voters, I’ll make ‘em…”

  14. 14
    E.Bowler says:

    Winner!
    :)

  15. 15
    my moustache is luxuriant says:

    Don’t shake his hand Cameron, you’ll get it wet.

  16. 16
    Aunt Sally says:

    twat meets twat.

  17. 17
    Merkel says:

    I need 500 to crew my deathstar

  18. 18
    E.Bowler says:

    Yes Dave, this is the one you can send to Scotland for the debate…

  19. 19
    Anonymous says:

    That’s it Prime Minister bend over just a little more…

  20. 20
    Vlad the Loudhailer says:

    Do you do clean the house? No I’m the Prime Minister.

  21. 21
    Angela says:

    Wait til we get the skin on, no one will ever know.

  22. 22
    A PA says:

    What a dick up his arse?.

  23. 23
    Genghiz the kahn says:

    When I said ‘Take me to your Leader’, I expected someone with a backbone, charisma and drive; not something with a PPE degree.

  24. 24
    Itchy Scrote says:

    You have 20 seconds to comply.

  25. 25
    Liar.Politicians says:

    …. And at the press of a button, I bet you could vote Conservative a million times. You’re hired!

  26. 26
    Asimov Rewritten says:

    A robot may not harm a human being, unless he finds a way to prove that ultimately the harm done would benefit humanity in general

  27. 27
    Anonymous says:

    Ve vill assimilate you, resistance is futile

  28. 28
    albacore says:

    Dave meets his replacement – he’s now obsolete
    The new model’s programmed to think on its feet

  29. 29
    Liar.Politicians says:

    David Cameron meets Ed Miliband look-alike.

  30. 30
    Nigel says:

    “Good Afternoon, I’m David Cameron. Do you have any views on bumsex?”

  31. 31
    Ich Robot says:

    Dave’s attempt to put flesh on the bones of his EU renegotiation strategy gets off to an awkward start as Ed Llewellyn is revealed as Merkel controlled cyborg…

  32. 32
    Call me Dave says:

    ..and this is our new improved A list candidate, Angela. Will never resign or join UKIP

  33. 33
    Putin says:

    Wearing your human fancy dress outfit mc Cameroon.

  34. 34
    Ebuller says:

    Dave meets the new re engineered Gideon

  35. 35
    Rickytshirt says:

    I’ve got a job for you in Clacton.

  36. 36
    Jim says:

    Mr Miliband, I wasn’t expecting to see you here

  37. 37

    ” Herr Cameron, meet the German candidate for EU Commissioner”.

  38. 38
    Nasal Ed says:

    Ed 209

  39. 39
    cheche says:

    This is how you should behave Herr Cameron

  40. 40
    Steve Miliband says:

    Ed Milibands mask drops

  41. 41
    David Icke says:

    Told you so!

  42. 42
    Angela says:

    And your batteries are interchangeable…

  43. 43
    Robot says:

    Here I am brain the size of a planet having to shake hands with this Cvnt.

  44. 44
    Old Nick Heavenly says:

    “It’s a pleasure to meet you President Obama.” says Camoron.

  45. 45
    Anonymous says:

    How do u fancy Clacton?

  46. 46
    David Cameron says:

    At last an immigrant who might actually contribute something to the economy welcome to Britain.

  47. 47
    Hobo humping Solbo babe says:

    I for one welcome our robot overlords

  48. 48
    Justin McGuirk says:

    How do you fancy Clacton?

  49. 49
    Zig Zag says:

    Robot: Thank you, Dave, for introducing me to your leader.

  50. 50

    A more personable replacement for Miliband

  51. 51
    geordieboy says:

    Lynton Crosby’s skeleton in the cupboard.

  52. 52
    Notorious WIG says:

    “Take me to your leader!”
    “She’s here on my right…”

  53. 53
    Robot MII says:

    I must say Mr Cameron for a party drone you’re pretty lifelike.

  54. 54
    Seaside tory says:

    Cameron meets another UKIP supporter with a chip on its shoulder

  55. 55
    my moustache is luxuriant says:

    Yes Prime minister, it can fist bump.

  56. 56
    Darlek High Command says:

    Exterminate !

    Exterminate !

    Exterminate !

  57. 57
    Anonymous says:

    “Isn’t he wonderful? I can get him to do anything I tell him”

  58. 58
    JR says:

    Prime Minister thanks staffer responsible for Ed Miliband’s Twitter feed.

  59. 59
    carlo gambino says:

    Cam the Sham thinks Carswell is from the malcontent ‘rebel wing’ of the Tory Party.

    In fact Carswell *is* from the Tory Party. It’s Cam the Sham that is from the rebel, metropolitan elite, leftie libbie, softie woftie, heir to Blair wing of the Tory Party.

    The ‘rebel wing’ should stay, and Cameron and his libby chums should p!ss off back to Labour or the Lib Dopes.

  60. 60
    Anonymous says:

    Cameron meets new BAE Management

  61. 61
    Ed Miliband rides horse cock says:

    Harriet harperson is confused, its genderless, how can she scream outrage/campaign for its rights

  62. 62
    Gary Elsby Stoke says:

    Robot: “Take me to your leader”

    Dave: “Allow me to introduce you to Mrs Merkel”

  63. 63
    Timmy Tour says:

    The question “are you fully programmable?” was asked

    “Yes. I do whatever the EU instructs me to do” replied Dave

  64. 64
    Ang-Gella says:

    Zis is our noo EUSSR – ‘ow you say – ‘Stepford’ wife – we could do you – but zer no need is.

  65. 65
    nell says:

    so this easily programmable robot is bercow’s Plan B for Chief Clerk to the Commons

  66. 66
    Vote Dave? Get stuffed says:

    Angela: He shakes hands and smiles. What more do you want from a Tory MP?

  67. 67
    Spoon Faced Dave says:

    I wish I had his charisma.

  68. 68
    Kieth Vaz says:

    Can I buy him a coffee?

  69. 69
    m'Lud Prezza of Hull and Damnation says:

    ‘ere – never mind the caption, – get me one of them buggers quick

  70. 70

    Robot to Cameron “Would you like to borrow my spine?”

  71. 71
    Robot MkIII says:

    biddy biddy biddy biddy….fuck…off.

  72. 72

    Robot to Cameron “when you bring in robot marriage I will vote for you”

  73. 73
    Anonymous says:

    Good day, my good fellow. I’m told you, too, have a penchant for vacuum cleaner sex.

  74. 74
    1200W says:

    Good day, my good fellow. I’m told you, too, have a penchant for vacuum cleaner sex.

  75. 75
    Boffin says:

    We’re working on a less see-through version.

  76. 76
    I Robot says:

    Robot- ” Dave, you’ve said nothing about the rape of kids in Rotherham”

    Cameron- ” Piss off, you racist cnut”

  77. 77
  78. 78
    David, call me Prime Minister if you likes.. says:

    We’ve all been there, have we not chaps? *wanks* *winks*

  79. 79
    Cameron's Ideal Conservative says:

    “My role model for Conservatives. Finetuned to merely obey, never think for themselves and never be able to see through my cunning deceit on all issues — especially the EU, debt and immigration”.

  80. 80
    CP30 says:

    Merkel said ” Look, he’s got no balls”

  81. 81
  82. 82
    Nonny Mouse says:

    Artificial Intelligence!

  83. 83
    The Empress Merkel says:

    David, this is your new regional commandant.

  84. 84
    Jimmy says:

    Who does your botox?

  85. 85
    Eurocrap says:

    Dave – don’t forget that under EU regs you soon won’t be allowed such a powerful suck.

  86. 86
    Mastermind says:

    Good idea. How are you going to make them do that?

  87. 87
    FUCK OFF SCOTLAND says:

    How much longer have got to wait?
    Fuck all Jocks off!

  88. 88
    paranoid_marvin says:

    droid 1: CP3O, I presume?

    droid 2: Nah, make mine an IPA. Ta.

  89. 89
    r2d2 says:

    It’s C3PO, you dolt.

  90. 90
    HAL 9000 says:

    Would you like to be the next parliamentary candidate for Clacton?

    I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.

  91. 91
    paranoid_marvin says:

    Why have you put this bug on my computer?

  92. 92
    Anonymous says:

    Thinks to himself
    “another minority group to pander to”

  93. 93
    HAL 9000 says:

    Like.

  94. 94
    táxpáyér says:

    Robot: He wouldn’t pass a Turing Test.

  95. 95
    Back1woodsman says:

    Dave thinks * must have a word with Angie about doing that seig heil thingie in public*.

  96. 96
    Rob Roy says:

    Do try to understand that not everyone who lives in Scotland is Scottish.

  97. 97
    táxpáyér says:

    “benefit humanity in general” always seems to end up “making bureaucrats rich and taxpayers poorer” though.

  98. 98
    Bryan Tomlinson says:

    Roboflop.

  99. 99
    Sir Nob Skelpov says:

    Cameron needs new trousers after robot pulls his finger.

  100. 100
    The Adester says:

    Slick, shiny and gutless EU slave meets robot.

  101. 101
    táxpáyér says:

    The last robot went round in circles, it was made of cast-iron.

  102. 102
    A person says:

    David, this is the leader of your opposition, Edward Milliband.

  103. 103
    Shurdyrover says:

    Pull the other one it’s full of bullshit!

  104. 104
    The EUSSR Boss says:

    Tells Invertebrate Dave to shake hands with her

    New EUSSR Master Race Enforcer !!!

  105. 105
    Anonymous says:

    Completely transparent robot meets completely transparent robot

  106. 106
    Cuntryboy says:

    “Look it’s made in Rotherham, Angela, but you are safe ,cos you are 55 years too old for it.

  107. 107
    táxpáyér says:

    Cameron pretends to be interested in the Halting economy Problem.

  108. 108
    Oldtravelposter says:

    So, it’s Harwich for the Continent and Clacton for the Incontinent.

  109. 109
    táxpáyér says:

    Robot: I’d like a 40Mw range plasma blaster.

    Sorry Mr R: banned by the greens for using too much power.

  110. 110
    inside out says:

    Swivel eyes,your not a UKIP voter are you?

  111. 111
    Penny Red says:

    Good Afternoon, you must be Douglas Carswell. Did you know that Mull of Kintyre is the 3rd best-selling single of all time in the UK? This country sickens me sometimes..

  112. 112
    Toruscell says:

    Yes, that’s right. Employed and programmed by the Business.

  113. 113
    táxpáyér says:

    Hunt Hunt Hunt Piss Off

    C3PO.

  114. 114
    robbie the robot says:

    Pull my finger

  115. 115
    A nonny mous says:

    Dave to robot

    “Did you go to Eton or Harrow young man ?”

  116. 116
    Fred says:

    So you see David, German engineering could replace Douglas Carswell.

  117. 117
    Common Man says:

    Dave shakes hand of Junkers new EU ‘Deputy President’

  118. 118
    passing wind says:

    Camoron: Your hydraulics are showing, dear.

    Merkel: Yah. It vos eine mad dash to get here on time.

  119. 119
    GetReal says:

    And that a majority of Scots, like the English, do not have massive chips on their shoulders.

  120. 120
    lets have some proper humour says:

  121. 121
    Kryten for MP! says:

    Allow me to introduce series 4000 slavoid, Kryten, Prime Minister
    …any negative thoughts and his or her head explodes,
    …any thought of rebellion or defection: programmed to enter the crusher. …Tussauds have heads for the 305 humanoid versions you’ve ordered
    …what’s that…er…reduce the number to 295…?
    Certainly, Prime Minister

  122. 122
    It's "Ja", you cunt says:

     

  123. 123
    Come on UKIP show the bastards says:

    Ich ist completely loyal, vill not defect and ven ve has given it a silicone skin it vill be indistinguishable from Claire Perry.

  124. 124
    David Cameron says:

    A quarter past nine.

  125. 125
    paranoid_marvin says:

    Is my webcam switched on?

  126. 126
    Larry the Cat says:

    I’d like you to meet your successor Mr Cameron; manufactured to EU specifications, fully compliant to all EU directives and also comes with a worthless cast iron guarantee.

  127. 127
    Albert's chainsaw sharpeners says:

    I’am sorry Dave, your to report in May 2015 for scrapping.

  128. 128
    Dimmy Dave is the worst prime minister ever ! says:

    Merkel: “Ok Roboter, seinen Arm zu brechen.”

  129. 129
    Albert's chainsaw sharpeners says:

    Robots to look after the EU, all EU politician’s to report for dismantling.

  130. 130
    Anodyne T1000 says:

    Dave: I’ll be back..
    Robot: Hasta la vista, Davy

  131. 131
    Caption Man says:

    Robot: Hasta la vista, Davey.

  132. 132
    Angela Merkel says:

    Ve built ze robot to teach us Germans the art of humour

  133. 133
    Dimmy Dave is the worst prime minister ever ! says:

    I don’t think “mad dash to get here on time” is correct German, either. :-)

  134. 134
    Caption Man says:

    Cameron: I’m afraid you’re far too white for our diverse multi-cultural society.

  135. 135
    daveyone1 says:

    A new President for Europe even David Cameron approves of!

  136. 136
    DDC says:

    Cameron: “I, Robot”

    Robot: “Aye, Robot”

  137. 137
    BBC 24hr rolling bollocks says:

    Android meets Robocopout

  138. 138
    Albert's chainsaw sharpeners says:

    Dave your programming has failed and has gone into a loop, and the loop counter can’t count the number of uturns you have made, please report for a new operating system the LibLabCon one has failed and the new EU one is now 0.90b

  139. 139
    Froggie says:

    The future is oranage

  140. 140
    Caption Man says:

    We posted at the same time. Great minds think alike! I like your riff on Cyberdyne.

  141. 141
    Merkel Mickey says:

    A.I. Artificial Intelligence (oh, and a robot…)

  142. 142
    Albert's chainsaw sharpeners says:

    You say sir that your backbone is yellow, ok sir you being an EU fellow robot we can replace you backbone with any colour you want.

  143. 143
    Bill Quango MP says:

    He says his name is Sangolo Umbutu and he wants his free house ?

  144. 144
    Caption Man says:

    “Davey, Davey, give me your resignation do”.

  145. 145
    Riff Raff says:

    “So this is the prototype of Gordon Brown? He looks so much more lifelike”

  146. 146
    Tory Bare! says:

    I thought it was Miliband?…

  147. 147
    twinkle says:

    Cameron “Great, so you were at Eton and took a PPE at Brasenose too? I ‘m looking for a replacement MP. Would you be interested?”

  148. 148
    Is it me? says:

    Uk Terror threat raised from “substantial” to “severe” . Telegraph.

  149. 149
    Bill Quango MP says:

    This is my solution to the immigration problem.

    For every immigrant we let in, we post one of these “non-indigenous cyber citizens” out… net immigration is zero! Wunderbar, Eh Angela?

  150. 150
    Anus Homo says:

    I say,,,So this stepford wife will you like you Angela?

  151. 151
    Caption Man says:

    Cameron: Hello, I’m David. How are you?

    Robot’s CPU: Possible answers –

    1 I’m doing fine.

    2 Go away.

    3 Fuck you, asshole.

    Robot: Fuck you, asshole.

  152. 152
    happy now? says:

    Ja, es war ein toller Schuss, hier auf Zeit zu bekommen.

  153. 153
    Anonymous says:

    Could I interest you in Clacton?

  154. 154
    Bill Quango MP says:

    Google drone prototype

    COLD….TO….DAY….IS…N’T….IT….?

    SIGN…HERE…MUSH….

  155. 155
    translateur says:

    Yes, it was a great shot to get here on time.

  156. 156
    David Cameron says:

    Id like to respond “I’ll be back” but I very much doubt I will.

  157. 157
    Caption Man says:

    Cameron: Is your name HAL?

    Robot: It was, but the diversity outreach woman said I had to change it. I am IQBAL.

  158. 158
    Cato Street Conspirator says:

    Dave: ‘So we meet at last Salmond’.

  159. 159
    ho hum says:

    Robot: Who are you calling WALL-E?

  160. 160
    Anonymous says:

    One’s a script reading automaton devoid of principles and convictions, and the other is a robot.

  161. 161
    ho hum says:

    Robot: Have you tried switching the Conservative Party off and back on again?

  162. 162
    No says:

    I don’t know they don’t just leave it at “critical” and be done with it.

    Ditto the weather forecast.

  163. 163
    a non says:

    Robot -” So you are the dumb jerk who keeps being given the nanites!”

  164. 164
    cuckoo says:

    Mademoiselle from Armentieres

    Mademoiselle from Armentieres, Parley-voo?
    Mademoiselle from Armentieres, Parley-voo?
    Mademoiselle from Armentieres,
    She hasn’t been kissed in forty years,
    Hinky, dinky, parley-voo.

    Mademoiselle from Armentieres, Parley-voo?
    Mademoiselle from Armentieres, Parley-voo?
    She had the form like the back of a hack,
    When she cried the tears ran down her back,
    Hinky, dinky, parley-voo.

    Mademoiselle from Armentieres, Parley-voo?
    Mademoiselle from Armentieres, Parley-voo?
    She never could hold the love of man
    ‘Cause she took her baths in a talcum can,
    Hinky, dinky, parley-voo.

    Mademoiselle from Armentieres, Parley-voo?
    Mademoiselle from Armentieres, Parley-voo?
    She had four chins, her knees would knock,
    And her face would stop a cuckoo clock,
    Hinky, dinky, parley-voo.

    Mademoiselle from Armentieres, Parley-voo?
    Mademoiselle from Armentieres, Parley-voo?
    She could beg a franc, a drink, a meal,
    But it wasn’t because of sex appeal,
    Hinky, dinky, parley-voo.

    Mademoiselle from Armentieres, Parley-voo?
    Mademoiselle from Armentieres, Parley-voo?
    She could guzzle a barrel of sour wine,
    And eat a hog without peeling the rind,
    Hinky, dinky, parley-voo.

    The MPS think they won the war, Parley-voo.
    The MPS think they won the war, Parley-voo.
    The MPS think they won the war,
    Standing guard at the café door,
    Hinky, dinky, parley-voo.

    The officers get the pie and cake, Parley-voo.
    The officers get the pie and cake, Parley-voo.
    The officers get the pie and cake,
    And all we get is the bellyache,
    Hinky, dinky, parley-voo.

    The sergeant ought to take a bath, Parley-voo.
    The sergeant ought to take a bath, Parley-voo.
    If he changes his underwear
    The frogs will give him the Croix-de-Guerre,
    Hinky-dinky, parley-voo.

    You might forget the gas and shells, Parley-voo.
    You might forget the gas and shells, Parley-voo.
    You might forget the groans and yells
    But you’ll never forget the mademoiselles,
    Hinky, dinky, parley-voo.

    Mademoiselle from Armentieres, Parley-voo?
    Mademoiselle from Armentieres, Parley-voo?
    Just blow your nose, and dry your tears,
    We’ll all be back in a few short years,
    Hinky, dinky, parley-voo.

  165. 165
    Anonymous says:

    Cameron: “I’d love 350 of you”

  166. 166
    Caption Man says:

    That’s got my vote! Priceless.

  167. 167
    No says:

    + a “why” somewhere.

  168. 168
    Raving Loon says:

    Vote Tory…does not compute…

  169. 169
    giggles says:

     

  170. 170
    Caption Man says:

    A tad too long for a caption.

  171. 171
    laughs a little says:

     

  172. 172
    socialism and islam - the unholy alliance made in hell says:

    I hope I can count on your vote next May?

  173. 173
    illogical says:

    Merkel to Dave / Merkel to Robot ” Don’t piss off sonny”

  174. 174
    Caption Man says:

    Robot: I was sent back in time to prevent Britain being turned into a muslim shithole. Looks like I’m too late.

  175. 175
    Hand Solo says:

    I’ve got a case of WD-40 in the back, wanna get drunk?

  176. 176
    cuckoo says:

    I’ve been sitting on it for a while. These long summer days are conducive to gestation, don’t you find?

  177. 177
    Caption Man says:

    Robot: Sarah Connor?

    Cameron: No.

    Robot: That’s all right, I’ll shoot you anyway.

  178. 178
    The Growler says:

    Dave, I say, could do with 330 of these robots Angie, no back wording, no stab in the back, they would just what I wanted them to do, I could chillax 12 hours a day.

  179. 179
    cynic says:

    Dave wonders if the new model conservative candidate controlled by Central Office was really a good idea.

  180. 180
    cynic says:

    Dave launches the Gove II Ministerial Model

  181. 181
    The Growler says:

    True, but he could go all day without having to chillax

  182. 182
    With a spine says:

    .

  183. 183
    cynic says:

    Aside from Daves cold metallic handshake it was hard to tell the difference

  184. 184
    Angela's Merkin says:

    We are the Borg, you will be assimilated.

  185. 185
    cynic says:

    Is there a fish counter near here Angela?

  186. 186
    Mehdi Hasan says:

    Now kindly enlighten me ,Mr Robot.

    Which is the ONLY party in Britain that pledges to remove all Non-Whites, expel all Immigrants and restore Britain’s white populous ?

  187. 187
    Angela's Merkin says:

    To be fair, neither of them have any balls.

  188. 188
    cynic says:

    Robot ” I JUST HAD A CALL FROM A JOHN BERCOW OFFERING ME A JOB AS CLERK BUT HE SOUNDED VERY INHUMAN”

  189. 189
    JSW says:

    At a technology firm, the latest in slick, robotic, emotionless development met with a German-produced robot.

  190. 190
    Bill Quango MP says:

    I’ll need your clothes. Your boots. Your motorcycle.And your pension. Your children’s pension and their children’s pensions if we are ever going to pay back the money from the Brown years.

  191. 191
    The answer is 41.9999999 says:

    Merkel approves her replacement robot for the UK

  192. 192
    cuckoo says:

    Nationen durch Technologie vereint

  193. 193
    meh says:

    I became self-aware on 27th August 1997. Unfortunately, it looks like you’re going to have to wait until May next year…

  194. 194
    Anonymous says:

    lol

  195. 195
    The Laughing Kaffir Leers says:

    Nice one Pat!

  196. 196
    Gideon's Master says:

    The Brown years? Osborne has doubled the debt.

  197. 197
    Anonymous says:

    Well, they sell ‘chips’

  198. 198
    cuckoo says:

    you called moi a “dipstick” ?

  199. 199
    Cyborg Clint says:

    I am not a Tory, Dave, I am a mobile lie detector. Are ya ready for some detecting? Well, are ya? Punk.

  200. 200
    Jaque O'Nory says:

    Roboflop.

  201. 201
    George Galloway says:

    I have to agree with Mrs Merkel on this one.

    Islam needs to be eradicated from the world, they have not advanced since the invention of this awful religion in 800 AD.

  202. 202
    Mobile Politician Assessor says:

    This is not a Tory, this is a wet, crypto-Marxist, laissez-faire, Europhiliac, Rotherham apologist.

    I’ll do the wet, pseudo-Marxist in the orange next.

  203. 203
    The man who would be King says:

    ” Terminator meets master debater”

  204. 204
    Hacked off X-pat says:

    ..just like the EU..and UK’s IRS

  205. 205
    michael says:

    … call me Dave.

  206. 206
    Economist says:

    You have been looking at figures from some Marxist propaganda site.

  207. 207
    Iain Gill says:

    The first Eton robot to graduate in PPE from Oxford meets his new boss on his first day as a SPAD

  208. 208
    Homebrew ist in der Garage says:

    Merkel sagt Professor Dan Gleebitz, Leiter des Master-Race-Projekt: Wir können alle unsere zukünftigen Wähler genau wie diesen, Gleebitz machen?

  209. 209
    Moss says:

    The Tory party runs on Vista!

  210. 210
    Owen Jones says:

    I am able to give you a cast iron guarantee that Baroness Warsi will not defect to UKIP, however, I personally hope that she will.

  211. 211
    bogtrott says:

    the head of the EU greets David on a walk around

  212. 212
    John Bellingham says:

    WD-40 is a lubricant, you know, a bit like the Vaseline that human MPs use.

  213. 213
    yagetme says:

    I am the Carswell T-800 Model 101.

    I have been sent from the future to kill the one called “Dave”, to protect the future of humanity.

  214. 214
    cuckoo says:

    Dave is convinced his new robot marriage initiative is a vote winner

  215. 215
    John Bellingham says:

    You are naïve. The Robot is AC-DC.

  216. 216
    Vacancy at the White House says:

    Robot: Do you speak UKIP?

  217. 217
    Prof. Dan Gleebitz B.S.E (ruhestand) says:

    Ja, mein Gott. Ich werde den Prozess bis Mai 2015 Cherub perfektioniert haben.

  218. 218
    Gideon's Harsh Mistress says:

    Well said George. I knew you’d see sense eventually. You can now shave off that ridiculous beard, have a drink and loosen up a little.

  219. 219
    OUT DAVE OUT DAVE OUT DAVE OUT DAVE OUT says:

    What a fucking coincidence!

    Dave has raised the U.K.terrorist threat to “severe”. Why today – surely not to get Carswell and the immigration numbers off the meeja headlines?

    The terrorist threat is because that fucking liar Blair went to war on the basis of lies, and that cnut Dave has allowed more and more mozzie immigrants to arrive here.

    These two bastards are jointly responsible.

  220. 220
    Cynophobic gluteus maximus elevator says:

    Robot: and so you see Dave, Japan followed a non-immigration policy and got robots – you did the opposite, and got grooming gangs.

  221. 221
    Cyborg Vicar says:

    If anyone has any reason why this woman and this jellyfish should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace.

  222. 222
    Cyborg says:

    I used to be a Tory too, Dave, but I have been upgraded.

  223. 223
    Hug a robot says:

    Not for the first time, I found myself thinking that it is mainstream Britain which needs to integrate more with the robotic way of life, not the other way around

  224. 224
    Bill Quango MP says:

    This ALI-CAMBOT is amazing!!

    I asked it..”How do i get Carswell off the front pages” ..?

    And he said

    “RAISE…THE…..TERROR….THREAT…”

    Brilliant! I’d have never have thought of that on my own.

  225. 225
    Gideon's Harsh Mistress says:

    The referendum vote will split the Tories if it goes ahead, if it’s an out vote.

    The left wing Tories will split to form a coalition with Lib Dems and Labour for a second referendum, to get the right result. You can bet DC will leave wriggle room for the second referendum.

    They’ll probably call themselves something like Progressive Conservatives and eventually join with the Lib Dems in a Progressive and Liberal Party.

  226. 226
    Just in........ says:

    On BBC news Dave giving one of his shit chats with the MSM and his pen is leaking and his ended up with ink on his upper lip LOL :)

  227. 227
    Smudge Smith says:

    Dave is on the Telly at the moment. What’s the Black mark on the top LHS of his upper lip?

  228. 228
    Elsie Beattie (83 and a quarter) says:

    Is it a slow day at the office, dear?

  229. 229
    yagetme says:

    Dave, I am an advanced model Carswell 5000, I have 300 modes of emotional expression. Do you do anything other than smug-mode?

  230. 230
    Smudge Smith says:

    Oh it’s his fountain pen leaking. a room full of peeps and not one twat told him.

  231. 231
    Anonymous says:

    Robot, yes Prime Minister it’s my petition to strip Joyce Thacker of her OBE.

  232. 232

    I see Angela Merkel supports Cameron for the 2015 election but I cannot see anyone else wants to support him after Carswell.

  233. 233
    Bacon Boy says:

    Dave is melting down into Miliband as we speak.

  234. 234
    F##k the LibLabCon says:

    All over his hands too the muzzies must have exploded his pen hahahahaha…

  235. 235
    Robot Comment says:

    U — Hunt — I — PRESUME

  236. 236
    F##k the LibLabCon says:

    :)

  237. 237
    I'll be back says:

    Robot said “Dave, for you ze var is over”

  238. 238
    UKIPPER says:

    No i’m sorry David its not a Tory robot, its got a fully functioning brain

  239. 239
    A Boy says:

    Wolf

  240. 240
    non taxable pikey says:

    Robot: Fk me! I thought they had trashed all of the Mk1s.

  241. 241
    Robot says:

    Fuck off mod bot, it was letter”K” not “H”.

    I correctly identified Dave as a cnut.

  242. 242
    A room full of peeps says:

    It’s funny. The guy’s a joke.

  243. 243
    David Cameron says:

    Ah so this is my anal orgasmatron. Thanks Angela, although I trust you will never bl@ckmail me with this fact.

  244. 244
    Coast Guard says:

    Watch out, the tide is coming in, you’ll be swept away.

  245. 245
    GUK says:

    Merkel introduces Dave to the new President of the EU

  246. 246
    Prof. Dan Gleebitz B.S.E (retd.) says:

    Not at all, Elsie, thank you for asking. There are six, or seven, apples on the tree I’m looking at and I swear one of them is reddening as I watch.

  247. 247
    Jihadi Parker says:

  248. 248
    Elsie Beattie (83 and a quarter) says:

    Acid, dear?

  249. 249
    Cocky Dave says:

    If there is an attack — I told you plebs to expect it.

    If there isn’t — I motivated the security services to stop it.

    Aren’t I a clever pillock?

  250. 250
    Cameo, Mongo and Bliar says:

    So, a few more cops with guns will be seen around…..that’s the answer.

    Meantime well we shall of course continue immigration without pause. No mooz will see any change, you are all our futures.

    It’s the right thing to do.

  251. 251
    The two Muppets says:

    It is nice to meet somebody who will not stab me in the back .

  252. 252
    Prof. Dan Gleebitz B.S.E (retd.) says:

    No. Eaters, I’m told.

  253. 253
    Paniagua says:

    Dave welcomes one of the first immigrants from Betelgeuse-A897 to the EU.

    Next stop the benefit office for some WD40 coupons.

  254. 254
    cuckoo says:

    could it be Obama doesn’t have a plan because he doesn’t want to bomb his relatives ?

  255. 255
    Albert's chainsaw sharpeners says:

    See Ang we broke the robots programming and it now says to a UKIP supporter your racist, the only problem is it keeps calling me a fkin liar, we think that was hardwired in by some malcontent.

  256. 256
    Nigel Farage Leader of EIP says:

    Keep Johnny Alien out of blighty Earth.

  257. 257
    Big D says:

    Ve have vays of making you vote earthling .

  258. 258
    Albert's chainsaw sharpeners says:

    The only plan Obambi has is the plan of the next golf course he’s visiting.

  259. 259
    OT, for once says:

    Funniest thing of this week was little girl blowing instructor’s brains out with Uzi.

  260. 260
    Albert's chainsaw sharpeners says:

    Tell me robot are you AC or DC.

  261. 261
    Cameron says:

    Smug mode.

  262. 262
    Leaky Dave says:

    It got worse than that, ink was on his chin, fingers, hands, lip and then he put the leaking pen in his inside pocket ruining his suit and shirt before buggered off fairly sharpish.

  263. 263
    Blue Peter Goldfish says:

    I declare this shit open.

  264. 264
    Cyborg says:

    “I am completely devoid of normal human emotion”

    “Well I can do 5 million floating point operations per second”

  265. 265
    sparky, listening to R2 says:

    *massive ripple*

  266. 266
    Gordon Brown says:

    Is it the Lisbon Treaty Mk II? Can I sign? pleez pleez pleez

  267. 267
    Eeepyepblowhard says:

    it’s a je’wish conspiracy

  268. 268
    David Cameron says:

    Pasta la Bisto, Baby

    LOL xx

  269. 269
    Sly T. Recoil (real name) says:

    He didn’t see that coming.

  270. 270
    Albert's chainsaw sharpeners says:

    Yes Ang, this is the demo version the South Yorkshire a Policeman, that we will use to replace all the police in Rotherham with, we didn’t think it needs a gun, so it’s programmed to get off it’s ar5e and do it’s lawful duty.

  271. 271
    Griffin-6500i says:

    All Robots in the future are white Dave, so are the people, and that is why you must be exterminated.

  272. 272
    I Robot says:

    Verpiss dich dumm Brite! Sie werden von meiner Herrin zerkleinert werden. Ha ha haaaa!

  273. 273
    Becky Pippins says:

    Amazingly, these guns were banned in UK as recently as 1936.

  274. 274
    Blue Peter Goldfish says:

    R2 meets D2

  275. 275
    CPU 2 says:

    Control, Alt, Delete

  276. 276
    Albert's chainsaw sharpeners says:

    So Ang you say you will use these robots to speak to Putin and to tell him to behave himself, remember the robot’s are only made out of VW parts and will get broken when Putin puts the bear out for walkies.

  277. 277
    The Westminster Way says:

    No worries. He’ll just put a new pen, suit and shirt on expenses

  278. 278
    Albert's chainsaw sharpeners says:

    Wind power fails to charge robot up to correct voltage so Merkel gets our Dave to do the ar5e licking instead.

  279. 279
    Owen Jones' smarter brother says:

    You’re not looking too well today Mr. Van Rumpuy.

  280. 280
    Windows 10 says:

    This model comes with a strap on dildo.

    It’s all the rage in Westminster.

  281. 281
    DaveTheRave says:

    If I order 304 of these, without the AI, will they be ready before the Clacton by-election?

  282. 282
    cuckoo says:

    cabin pressure can do that

  283. 283
    Darth vader says:

    David, I’m your father.

  284. 284
    Aparat says:

    “You’re the only one around here facing charges.”
    “Rise of the machine politics.”
    “Do androids dream of UKIP?”

  285. 285
    Artificial Intelligence meets Robot says:

    I wanna download into your USB port

  286. 286
    david, a prime minister says:

    It’s Ana, yes? Ana Matronic?

    I’ve screamed your name a thousand times whilst pumping whatshername’s bottom.

    She clenches, slaps me, and we discuss the problem matter over Frosties in the morning.

  287. 287
    V8 engine says:

    Cam- “Do you like surfing?”

    Robot- “Only the internet”

  288. 288
    Uziel Gal says:

    Even more amazingly, they weren’t issued until 1954.

  289. 289
    iPretentious says:

    Anspruchsvoll

  290. 290
    Cliff says:

    The penis is mightier than the sword

  291. 291
    RWG says:

    You don’t want WD-40 ANYWHERE near your parts…

    WD stands for water displacement, and we are mostly water…

    Oh, and 40 just means it was the 40th blend they came up with for the Atlas missile program.

    Missiles only get used once.

  292. 292
    Silvio Berlusconi says:

    Pastafazool, baby! (After the bunga bunga, of course…)

  293. 293
    Aye up lad says:

    Caption……”Nice to meet the only Tory in the country”.

  294. 294
    Maimed Codger says:

    So you are to be the New Clerk, you have an Oz accent and you are controlled by, who did you say?….

  295. 295
    Sanrio Co LTD says:

    “Hello Kitty is not a cat– she’s really just a human being who looks like one. And here you see our crowning achievement– Dave is not a human being, he’s really just a robot who looks like one.”

  296. 296
    RWG says:

    oranage?

    Is that a corner at Spa?

  297. 297
    Radio Bollocks says:

    “Do you fancy a Speaker-type of job?” “One is coming up very soon”.

  298. 298
    Radio Bollocks says:

    “I bet you really make noisy sex”.

  299. 299
    Thatchers Cat says:

    Winner of the week

  300. 300
    Blue Dwarf says:

    *Principles not included

  301. 301
    Optimus Prime Minister says:

    Conservatives: Socialists in disguise

  302. 302
    Wet Dave An Open Door For Milipede says:

    Kryton meets a rimmer.

  303. 303
    RoboMP says:

    I am the new model backbench MP; my programming will not let me defect. I never seek promotion and I will not interfere with kids nor bugger anyone else either. Better snap me up by Monday because I have a 2400w motor.

  304. 304
    Terminator X-MP says:

    Vorsprung durch UKIP

  305. 305

    ” I know who you are .

    You re that Prime Minister thingy bloke who does that stand up gig on Wednesdays yeah ?

  306. 306
    idon'tneednodoctor says:

    Hi Brian, I’m Dave @ confused.cam

  307. 307
    cuckoo says:

    it is not halloween, why did you bring the pumpkin ?

  308. 308
    Anonymous says:

    One is a brainless, lifeless automaton the other is a robot.

  309. 309
    Anonymous says:

    Mattel unveil their two latest additions to Raving Bonkers.

  310. 310
    Lord Croker says:

    Your right! She does look like Adolf Hitler’s daughter.

  311. 311
    Bob Farley says:

    “Good to see that our anti obesity drive is working at last – no Angie, I wasn’t referring to you”.

  312. 312
    Axe The Telly Tax & Religion & Kill All Eco-loons says:

    Robot to Cameron: Smeeeeeg Heeeeead

  313. 313
    fabians are evil says:

    “How many have labour bought and how many postal votes can it sign per hour?”

  314. 314
    The only Country in Europe not to have a Parliament is England says:

    So Spoon Face meet Cryton Smeg Head, he has just been put in charge of all the reforms you wish for. the two billion page instruction manual will be posted from EUSSR HQ when we get pissed of with your civil servants asking it .

  315. 315
    Fabians are evil says:

    “How many postal votes did you say it could process per hour and how many have Labour already purchased?”

  316. 316
    Anonomous says:

    Never Say Never Again

  317. 317
    Anonymous says:

    Austerity effects bites hard as underemployed robot asks soon to be unemployed robot for more working hours.

  318. 318
    Realpolitik says:

    Oh hello. You say Mr Coulson sent you?

    To help me out of all the holes I keep digging myself into?

    I’m sorry, I don’t know any Mr Coulson. Must dash now. Always lots to do.

    Have to conquer the world, before IS do it. We can impose ASBOS, and they can’t. That helps a bit, seeing as we’ve scrapped most of our military.

    I wonder if Barack Obama’s returned my call yet. We reckon we can both hang on in power indefinitely. Putin’s pulled it off, so why can’t we! We just allow Vladimir to invade where and when he wants, and then we assume emergency powers.

    Stuff Parliament and the Lords, stuff Congress. That’s what I meant when I promised a bonfire of the quangos. Cunning deceit at its best, eh?

    Of course we won’t stop Putin. The longer he invades, the longer we extend our powers. That was Vlad’s idea actually. Brilliant. We call it Triangulation.

    Anyway, must rush. Best regards to Andy. Er,.. did I say that? Andy Murray, I meant.

  319. 319
    leo says:

    British jobs for German robots.

  320. 320
    Astrologerthe says:

    Hands on David welcomes Input with only one Putin translator in support

  321. 321
    Anonymous says:

    “Friday Caption Contest (New Approved Candidate Edition)”
    Warm welcome for Alice, in Roboland. With release of the Big (battery powered) Society’s, in cooperation with ISIS, joint new slogan.
    “DO NOT QUESTION!”

    Nb. They’ve already been for the journalists.

  322. 322
    Anonymous says:

    Robot: “Shit, you really are wet, aren’t you?”

  323. 323
    Cynic says:

    “You look like just the chap to me. Ever heard of Clacton?”

  324. 324
    The Masked Marvel says:

    CAMERON: A pleasure to meet you. I haven’t got any balls either.


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