July 25th, 2014

Full Sunday Sport Style Guide Email
“Who the hell puts a hyphen in bellend?”

From: Nick Appleyard
Sent: 23 July 2014 12:14
To: Everyone
Subject: Style Guide

Hi all,

I know I’ve been going on about this for ages but it seems many of you have still not got the message.

We need to be consistent with the spelling and grammar of words and phrases used in Sunday Sport. When they constantly differ (often in the same story) we look sloppy and unprofessional.

For example, last Sunday (July 20) one sub editor came up with the headline: MAN LOSES B*LLOCKS BUT DOCS SAVE HIS BELL-END!

When I saw that page I felt physically sick. There are TWO glaring errors in the above headline that every member of editorial staff should spot straight away. Bollocks is NOT censored, even in headlines, and who the hell puts a hyphen in bellend? I won’t name names but you know who you are and you should go back to school.

To avoid any further confusion (and future disciplinaries) I have listed below the commonest bungles. Please print them off and stick them by your computer screen.

SHIT: Full out in copy and in headlines
FUCK: F**k in copy and in headlines
Hunt: C**t in copy and headlines
WANK: Full out in copy, w**k in headlines
TWAT: Full out in copy, tw*t in headlines
COCK: Full out in copy and in headlines
BOLLOCKS: Full out in copy and in headlines
BELLEND: One word, full out in copy and headlines

Can this please be the end of it? I hate to be formal but I’m getting sick of repeating the same things on a weekly basis.

Otherwise, keep up the good work.

Best wishes,

Nick Appleyard
Sunday Sport Editor


  1. 1
    John Walsh says:

    watch the classic 2010 election Bell End Film http://youtu.be/16tU3aVB39s of the shamed former Labour MP Sir Stuart Bell

  2. 2
    Ed Miliband says:

    If bellend is all one word am I EdMiliband?

  3. 3
    FrankFisher says:

    This is genius. I am sorely tempted to start buying the paper.

  4. 4
    Norm Normal says:

    How do I get an important job like that? I feel my tallents are undervalued!

  5. 5

    I have a copy of the email to hand and it most certainly does not say ‘Hunt’!

  6. 6
    SD says:

    What was this story doing in the sports section?

  7. 7
    Anonymous says:

    You’d need to learn how to spell “talents”, for starters.

  8. 8
    Joe says:

    The Sunday sport is probably the best satirical magazine going nowadays, it’s a pity most idiots tend to think it’s actually meant to be a serious newspaper

  9. 9
    Eric Schön says:

    A report on a particularly violent game of rugby?

  10. 10
    cecil rhodes says:

    No, its Ed Milibellend

  11. 11
    Eric Schön says:

    Are you suggesting that the famous report about a WWII-era Luftwaffe bomber being found on the moon was not entirely true? And what about “London bus found in ice-berg”? They had photos!

  12. 12

    No you won’t. It’s the Sport

  13. 13


    I thought the Sunday Sport had died . Has Merde or Desmembered resusscitated it ?

  14. 14

    Dies it still have all those call back numbers where women are pretending to be in the throes of a series of multiorgasms whilst in the kitchen cleaning out the oven ?

  15. 15


  16. 16
    CharlieTheChump says:

    I insist on fucking standards and if you twats can’t fucking get it fucking right you can all fuck off. Right fucking now.


  17. 17

    Well if you were the Eagle sisterhood you d spell it “Talon(t)s”

  18. 18
    Norm Normal says:

    Sorrow itz prediktive text makking a bell-end of moi agrain.

  19. 19
    Maimed Codger says:

    Rather amusing as there are few People left in this Watered Down Country who speak English… so really who cares…

  20. 20
    IslandiaGirl says:

    I entirely agree and there should be something done to improve the knowledge and usage of English in England. It is Extremely URGENT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  21. 21
    Hoffmeister says:

    My brother won a competition to ‘do it’ with 2 daily sport models.

    He was working for MAFF at the time (ministry of agriculture farming and fisheries, now DEFRA) when the BSE crisis happened.

    The headline was “We Ate Ministry Mans Beef on the Bone”

    True story.

  22. 22
    casus bellendi says:

    its all Balls

  23. 23
    St Tony Blair says:

    Education , Education , Education
    Boy , we showd-um

  24. 24

    Now we know. Ring my chimes you ding-a-ling!

  25. 25
    I'm actually ejaculating as you read this message says:

    Who the hell DOESN’T put the hyphen in BELL-END?!

    Fucking illiterate bell-ends.

  26. 26
    I'm actually ejaculating as you read this message says:


  27. 27
    DavisEvan. says:

    Who’s Ed Millibend. Was his brother David Millibend? Are they a couple of benders? We should be told.

  28. 28
    DK says:

    The list is a rather close portrayal of the Liebour Shadow Cabinet!

  29. 29
    Jethro says:

    27 don’t you remember – back in 1970 or thereabouts – we were all Metric ated, or Metrified? So, a Hundredth part of a Bend (you know: divers get them) is a Centibend; a Thousandth part of a Bend is a Millibend; a Millionth part, is a Microbend. Moving up the scale, there’s Decibends (ten bends), and before you even know it, you’re into Gigabends – then Gagabends… when you reach Infinity, you’ve got to, or even gone past, Bell-ends.

  30. 30
    Jethro says:

    25 The Yanks, in their usual, insouciant, casual, Imperialistic, way, careless of ‘collateral damage’, abolished the Hyphen, much as Noah Webster had decided earlier to abolish Etymology by mis-spelling words like ‘labour’, and smothering the -ise/-ice distinction. I think it might be due to (now, there’s another one: ‘owing to…’, being Participial, introduces a Participial Phrase, whereas ‘due to’ naturally forms the Complement of a Verb…’The cancellation of this Train was due to the absence of a Driver'; ‘Owing to the absence of a Driver, this Train has had to be cancelled.’). I suspect it might be due to their having assimilated so many German emigres – the German Language being noted for its habit of just sticking words together to form Compound Words – like ‘Durchfall’, ‘Anschluss’, ‘Einsatzgruppen’, ‘Einleitung’.

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