July 25th, 2014

Friday Caption Contest (Cuddly Mascot Edition)

The winning entry for today’s caption contest will win two tickets worth £60 to the McWhirter Memorial Lecture, delivered by John Redwood on board the HMS President. Beforehand a drinks reception will be held on deck, with views of the Thames from London to Westminster, courtesy of the Freedom Association. The event is on August 12. Make them witty…


154 Comments

  1. 1
    mraemiller says:

    Tree Fu Twat!

    Like

  2. 2
    Kebab Time says:

    “Vote for Independence and u to can be the jolly green giant! “

    Like

  3. 3
    concrete pump says:

    Thistle be the last time I ever lower my standards.

    Like

  4. 4
    Anon says:

    No oil. Scotland embraces green crap.

    Like

    • 147
      Desperate Anne says:

      Like you, Anon, I just can’t think of anything witty to say. Are there any black market tickets for this lecture by John Redwood? I’d pay far more than 30 quid each.

      Like

  5. 5
    still walking into darkness says:

    Hug a Holyroodie

    Like

  6. 6
    Village Idiot says:

    Mr Salmond “You Greens get everywhere”

    Like

  7. 7
    Steve says:

    We green meanies must stick together.

    Like

  8. 8
    concrete pump says:

    Flower of Scotland meets the Glower of Scotland.

    Like

  9. 9
    How appropriate says:

    Scotland’s mascot is a thorny weed?

    Liked by 1 person

  10. 10
    MaryWhitehouse says:

    Not here mum your embarrassing me

    Like

  11. 10
    Violent Asquith says:

    Love you, Mum!

    Like

  12. 12
    Hoots man says:

    ‘A Scottish Mafia?’ says Salmond. ‘No, it’s just Bonnie Clyde…’

    Like

  13. 13

    Is that you, David Cameron?

    Like

  14. 14
    Ben says:

    “I fucking told you so” – David Icke

    Like

  15. 15
    PC 99 says:

    Thistledome

    Like

  16. 16
    Gerhard says:

    Salmond increasingly confident of ‘yes’ after devolution vote extended to plants.

    Like

  17. 17
    Scotland is the crappiest bit of Northern England says:

    Salmong: “At last! I’ve found something with a grin that’s even more inane than mine!”

    Like

  18. 18
    tube_thumper says:

    Salmond : snuffle snuffle i m sure there are truffle.
    Mascot: leave my root alone you pig !

    Like

  19. 19
    Jo Hugh says:

    Shush, whisper me the plot line again, in my ear, no-one will notice?

    Like

  20. 20
    Maqboul the fool says:

    Goodbye and good riddance Jockland. You’ll nae be part of the Commonwealth, so, enjoy the games while you can.

    Like

  21. 22
    Rickytshirt says:

    When I asked for a plant at FMQ’s this wasn’t what I had in mind.

    Like

  22. 23
    Not the leader of swindon council says:

    Scottish caricature (green with envy, bulging eyes and large grasping hands) meets man dressed as thistle.

    Like

  23. 24
    non taxable pikey says:

    So, let me get this straight, the Frogs caught them and sent them straight back to the UK. Are we doing the same with the ones we catch?

    No of course we bloody well ain’t!

    https://uk.news.yahoo.com/illegal-immigrants-caught-trying-leave-uk-072348584.html#rNax7oN

    FFS Camoron get a Fking grip!

    Like

  24. 25
    A Hacking Cough says:

    Jock-Shock: Commonwealth gay kiss prompts allegations of treedophillia

    Like

  25. 26
    Private Eye Baby says:

    “Exclusive – the original proponent of Scottish independence revealed”

    Like

  26. 27
    Anonymous says:

    Blether together

    Like

  27. 28
    David of Stourbridge says:

    Bonnie-lad and Clyde

    Like

  28. 29
    Captain Jack "Jack" Shit says:

    In an independent Scotland we’ll go one better than Cameron’s gay marriage reforms. It will no longer be illegal to shag a tree north of the border.

    Like

  29. 30
    Norm Normal says:

    I had a suspicion Samond smoked weed before drafting policies, never thought I’d see a weed trying to smoke Salmond though?

    Like

  30. 31
    Wee Willy Winky says:

    This time next year we’ll both be stuffed

    Like

  31. 32
    concrete pump says:

    Pillock of the Glen.

    Like

  32. 33
    Anonymous says:

    Dear, dear, come and have a hug it’s what politicians do lie and be nasty to each other!

    Like

  33. 34
    Banned says:

    Salmond was so envious of the English, his green eyed monster was born.

    Like

  34. 35
    M­a­­q­b­o­­ul the Awesome says:

    At last, Salmond grasps the nettle.

    Liked by 1 person

  35. 36
    Ancient Aliens says:

    New GCHQ spying concerns as SNP leader Alex Salmond suspects a plant.

    Like

  36. 37
    David of Stourbridge says:

    Both are surely feeling pricks.

    Like

  37. 38
    tj says:

    Salmond denies links to Glasgow doping scandal.

    Like

  38. 39
    Tom Baker says:

    GREEN THING ; “That’s it Alex. Keep going – I’m nearly there.”

    Like

  39. 40
    Monarch of the McGlen! says:

    It was good whilst it lasted!

    Like

  40. 41
    concrete pump says:

    Caber tosser fails smug test.

    Like

  41. 42
    Senior civil servant says:

    “This is what currentree union looks like”

    Like

  42. 43
    Lizzie says:

    Alex Salmond makes guest appearance on Gaza children’s show.

    Like

  43. 44
    bergen says:

    I hate thistles. I always find a prick.

    Like

  44. 45
    thostids says:

    “You’re the wrong fucking colour. I ordered blue and white.”

    Like

  45. 47

    Green thing: ‘Are you my daddy?’

    Like

  46. 48
    Lizzie says:

    Salmond hugged by SNP supporter before they become two short planks …

    Like

  47. 49

    “You do realise that after polling day our meetings will have to be more formal and transparent ?!! Having said that, how many bricks do you think you will need to re-build the wall? “

    Like

  48. 50
    Lizzie says:

    Salmond overcome by joy as English athlete wins gold medal!

    Like

  49. 51

    Wee, sleekit, cow’rin, tim’rous ‘lexie,
    O, what a panic’s in thy breastie!
    Thou need na start awa fro’ ma huggie,
    Wi’ bickering brattle!
    I wi’nae be laith to rin an’ chase thee,
    Wi’ pricklin’ pattle!

    But, ‘lexie, thou art no thy lane,
    In proving foresight may be vain;
    The best-laid schemes o’ mice an ‘men
    Gang aft agley,
    An’ lea’e us nought but grief an’ pain,
    For promis’d joy!

    Apologies to Robert Burns

    Like

  50. 52
    WoRaft Chihuahua says:

    Och Aye of the Triffids

    Like

  51. 53
    Alex Salmond says:

    I told you Question Time used plants!

    Like

  52. 54
    Mycroft says:

    Thistle make me look even more of a c’nt.

    Like

  53. 55

    No, no, I said, I could do with some Weed.

    Like

  54. 56
    Tooth fairy says:

    First Minister going out for a leak, got more than he bargained for.

    Like

  55. 57
    MSM4 says:

    ‘There, there’ said the Money Tree

    Like

  56. 58
    Anonymous says:

    Mascot harass Scot.

    Like

  57. 59
    7223 ( ret'd) says:

    Salmond Takes Solace In Embracing Giant Imaginary Cannabinoid Friend.

    Like

  58. 60
    steve gardner says:

    DAD Where have you been all these years? its a good job mom was good looking though.

    Like

  59. 61
    Wee fat Eck of the Shortbread Senate says:

    The Green Blob embraces independence.

    Like

  60. 62
    steve gardner says:

    Dont worry dad, I still love you even if the Scots dont ( its a good job mom was good looking though.)

    Like

  61. 63
    Stingy Ringpiece says:

    ‘ At last, after a search lasting many of your centuries, we have finally encountered fellow lard-based life-forms”

    Like

  62. 64
    Anonymous says:

    This is pure saltire.

    Like

  63. 65
    Corry O'Lanus says:

    “Tell me President Salmond, pretty please, am i better looking than your Jimmy Krankie sidekick?”

    Like

  64. 66

    Gordon McDoom escapes mental hospital in disguise.

    Like

  65. 67
    TJ says:

    You might feel a bit of a prick, Alex.

    Not if the rest of the population are as green as you?

    Like

  66. 69
    BBC 24hr Rolling Bollocks says:

    After their warm embrace both checked to see if they still had their wallets.

    Like

  67. 70
    Vlad the Loudhailer says:

    Who said internet dating doesn’t work!

    Like

  68. 71

    Salmond: Is that a pound in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?

    Like

  69. 72
    Anonymous says:

    Spot the Muppet

    Like

  70. 73
    Another Day in Paradise says:

    “Thistle be the day!”

    Like

  71. 74
    Bad Taste Bob says:

    I take it the green guy is one of the competitors from the Paralympics.

    Like

  72. 75

    Mascot: Alex! It’s me, Vlado! The only way I could get to speak to you unobserved. I want to run my pipeline into you as I am about to be blown by the Ukrainians. Careful, don’t want any spillage!

    Like

  73. 76
    Fat Alex's Gastric Band says:

    Remember children to eat at least Fife a day.

    Like

  74. 77
    Fat Alex's Gastric Band says:

    Vote Green

    Like

  75. 78
    Anonymous says:

    One Muppet greets another Muppet.

    Like

  76. 79
    coffindodga says:

    Wellcome to Disney land,Alex

    Like

  77. 80
    Wee fat Eck of the Shortbread Senate says:

    The Green Blob embraces Insanity!

    Like

  78. 81
    Unknown_entity says:

    Salmond: They’re no going to vote yes Clyde, did you hear them singing God save the Queen last night?
    Clyde: Cry me a river

    Like

  79. 82

    There, there. I’m still more real than your economic plans.

    Like

  80. 83
    Ed Miliband says:

    Just how low can one man stoop for a Photo Op.

    That Weird looking alien doesn’t have to be seen with Salmond to be seen as normal he just needs an Axelrod.

    Like

  81. 84

    Background chatter:
    Q: Who is the great, green, fat, bug-eyed one with the ear to ear grin?
    A; That’s Wee Alex!

    Like

  82. 85
    Keith Dovkants says:

    We now know why Alex Salmond is seldom seen in public with his wife . . .

    Like

  83. 86
    the Black Pudding says:

    personal assistant checks if the seams are showing.

    Like

  84. 88
    Bill Quango MP says:

    Salmond reveals sum total of 1 new green job created.

    Like

  85. 89
    Tooth fairy says:

    President Juncker undertook pre independence negotiations with the First Minister for Scotland’s application to join to EU.

    Like

  86. 90
    Ed Milibandwagon says:

    if you want someone good, don’t vote for me.

    Like

  87. 91
    the Black Pudding says:

    Mad scientist checks the seams on his creation.

    Like

  88. 92

    It’s nice to see Jim Devine starting a new career.

    Like

  89. 94
    Machine says:

    And so 9 months later Shrek was born.

    Like

  90. 96
    Alex S says:

    “Miliband gets snapped with Obama and I get some bawbag of an anthropomorphic plant”

    Like

  91. 98
    Whiffler says:

    Could Ed Miliband be right about politicians and photo-ops ?

    Like

  92. 99
    Hear All See All says:

    openeurope.org.uk report:-
    In a letter to Swiss President Didier Burkhalter, EU member states have said that the free movement of people is one of the EU’s fundamental principles and thus cannot be negotiated or restricted through the use of quotas. The EU decision was made unanimously and follows a Swiss public vote in favour of introducing a cap on the number of migrants from EU countries in a referendum earlier this year.
    Good luck Cameron.

    Like

  93. 101
    Everybody loves a Tory says:

    Barking mad, the pair of ‘em. The perfect Union at last.

    Like

  94. 102

    “When Scotland goes nuclear-free there will be no more of these hideous mutations”

    Like

  95. 104

    The’Better Together’ campaign surprise Alex with one of their plants.

    Like

  96. 105
    Anonymous says:

    Ugh, i’ll just close my eyes and think of Scotland

    Like

  97. 106
    Maimed Codger says:

    Salmond meets his Crecy

    Like

  98. 107
    The Critic says:

    Don’t worry Alex, I’ll vote for independence,even if no-one else does.

    Like

  99. 108
    TJ says:

    Hard Left turn Clyde.

    Like

  100. 109
    ceejay says:

    On the menu – “Salmond Salad with dressing”

    Like

  101. 110
    Norm Normal says:

    Och Mz Sturgeon yae look even mair beautiful wi’out the makeup, me iccle fish cake!

    Like

  102. 111
    non taxable pikey says:

    Which one of us is the vegetable?

    Like

  103. 112
    Beyond Watford says:

    “Monster squeezing Scotland’s future” says mascott

    Like

  104. 113
    Scarlet Lancer says:

    “After September it needn’t be the end. I’ve heard there are job opportunities for a man with your looks in a land far away” said the PC Robertson’s Golly.

    Like

  105. 114
    M says:

    This is easier than wrestling with the facts

    Like

  106. 115
    Ippikin says:

    I thought Caoline Lucas is gay.

    Like

  107. 116
    Scott Jostlin' says:

    Oh! you take the High road and I’ll take the Low road,

    But it won’t make an inch of difference.

    We’re going nowhere.

    Like

  108. 117
    Ah! lex says:

    ” Hey, I can see right through you “

    Like

  109. 118

    The Green Blob shows its love for Alex and his beloved windmills (and their taxpayer subsidies)

    Like

  110. 119

    I’m a wee bullshitter myself, but I like to hear a professional at it, so please continue.

    Like

  111. 120
    Dave says:

    A Scot and vegetables? Nah, too far fetched…

    Like

  112. 121
    ilson says:

    “Ah flobadob, floboboabdaod. Flobadob.” Said Alex.
    “I think you’ve had enough!” Said Weed.

    Like

  113. 122
    cynic says:

    Alex found that after 2 bottle of Buckie even Nicola looked wonderful

    Like

  114. 123
    realspin says:

    “Salmond Spawns a Monster!”

    Like

  115. 124
    mraemiller says:

    Treebeard to be investigated by Operation Yewtree

    Like

  116. 125
    cynic says:

    Like

  117. 126
    Anonymous says:

    Bet you hope the electorate are this green in September.

    Like

  118. 129
    Anonymous says:

    It’s no good Nicola someone’s going to spot you.

    Like

  119. 130
    cynic says:

    There there Alex. Dinnae cry.

    In annither 300 years the peeple may actually want independence

    Like

  120. 131
    cynic says:

    If I hadn’t had this gastric band fitted on the Scottish NHS I might jist have gobbled you up

    Like

  121. 132
    Anonymous says:

    It’s no good Nicola someone’s bound to spot you.

    Like

  122. 134
    Mike Wilkinson says:

    Oh Nicola I don’t know if I prefer this outfit to the Nessie one.. Neither of them make you’re bum look any smaller…. let me just make sure the room is booked before we go too far…

    Like

  123. 135

    We will take as many green people into our great nation as we can

    Like

  124. 136
    Slim Jim says:

    ”Please, please Herr Juncker, let us in if we win; ah’ll fill up Campbelltown Loch wi’ whisky for ye tae drink”….

    Like

  125. 137
    Ma baw says:

    Eck, its me, Dave.
    Only way I could get in without paying.
    Got another great idea for your campaign, as good as the keep-the-pound and let-Bank-of-England-tell-you-how-much-on-you-pocket-money-you-get-charged ideas.
    This week’s one is let Rangers and Celtic to go join League One in England.

    Like

  126. 139
    Ma baw too says:

    “2 tickets for a John Redwood lecture”
    Ha ha ha, that must be the winner.

    Like

  127. 142
    Green Thing says:

    “..a land where you keep the pound, stay in the EU and money grows on trees. And on the count of three, I’m going to bring you back to the real world.”

    Like

  128. 144
    Alex says:

    These nasty comments about me amount to bullying and scaremongering.

    Like

  129. 145
    foxgoose says:

    “Lower, Darling!”

    Like

  130. 146
    Tyrannosaurus Hibernium says:

    Keep your enemies closer.

    Like

  131. 148
    gary says:

    Wearing of the Green

    Like

  132. 149
    gary says:

    A free car bomb detector would have been a more fitting prize

    Like

  133. 150
    Jim'll Fix it says:

    “Psst it’s me Jimmy Saville, they all think I’m dead, but I’m not and I’m just going to push my hand down your trousers- is that a Yes vote ?”

    Like

  134. 151
    Paul clayton says:

    Cheer up Mate – next St. Andrew’s Day you can have your blue and white smoke!

    Like

  135. 154
    Rockon says:

    Alex Salmond looking happy only eight weeks before his assination

    Like


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“I don’t think I’ve had sex with him. He says we had sex in Clapham. I’m fairly certain I’ve never had sex south of the river”



Progressive Inclusion Champion says:

Great to hear Carswell call for inclusive policies and that UKIP must stand for first and second generation immigrants as much as the English.


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