July 25th, 2014

Friday Caption Contest (Cuddly Mascot Edition)

The winning entry for today’s caption contest will win two tickets worth £60 to the McWhirter Memorial Lecture, delivered by John Redwood on board the HMS President. Beforehand a drinks reception will be held on deck, with views of the Thames from London to Westminster, courtesy of the Freedom Association. The event is on August 12. Make them witty…


  1. 1
    mraemiller says:

    Tree Fu Twat!

  2. 2
    Kebab Time says:

    “Vote for Independence and u to can be the jolly green giant! “

  3. 3
    concrete pump says:

    Thistle be the last time I ever lower my standards.

  4. 4
    Anon says:

    No oil. Scotland embraces green crap.

  5. 5
    still walking into darkness says:

    Hug a Holyroodie

  6. 6
    Village Idiot says:

    Mr Salmond “You Greens get everywhere”

  7. 7
    Steve says:

    We green meanies must stick together.

  8. 8
    concrete pump says:

    Flower of Scotland meets the Glower of Scotland.

  9. 9
    How appropriate says:

    Scotland’s mascot is a thorny weed?

  10. 10
    MaryWhitehouse says:

    Not here mum your embarrassing me

  11. 11
    Violent Asquith says:

    Love you, Mum!

  12. 12
    Hoots man says:

    ‘A Scottish Mafia?’ says Salmond. ‘No, it’s just Bonnie Clyde…’

  13. 13

    Is that you, David Cameron?

  14. 14
    Ben says:

    “I fucking told you so” – David Icke

  15. 15
    PC 99 says:


  16. 16
    Gerhard says:

    Salmond increasingly confident of ‘yes’ after devolution vote extended to plants.

  17. 17
    Scotland is the crappiest bit of Northern England says:

    Salmong: “At last! I’ve found something with a grin that’s even more inane than mine!”

  18. 18
    tube_thumper says:

    Salmond : snuffle snuffle i m sure there are truffle.
    Mascot: leave my root alone you pig !

  19. 19
    Jo Hugh says:

    Shush, whisper me the plot line again, in my ear, no-one will notice?

  20. 20
    Maqboul the fool says:

    Goodbye and good riddance Jockland. You’ll nae be part of the Commonwealth, so, enjoy the games while you can.

  21. 21
    pumping concrete says:

    Yeah, that’ll be the fucking day.

  22. 22
    Rickytshirt says:

    When I asked for a plant at FMQ’s this wasn’t what I had in mind.

  23. 23
    Not the leader of swindon council says:

    Scottish caricature (green with envy, bulging eyes and large grasping hands) meets man dressed as thistle.

  24. 24
    non taxable pikey says:

    So, let me get this straight, the Frogs caught them and sent them straight back to the UK. Are we doing the same with the ones we catch?

    No of course we bloody well ain’t!


    FFS Camoron get a Fking grip!

  25. 25
    A Hacking Cough says:

    Jock-Shock: Commonwealth gay kiss prompts allegations of treedophillia

  26. 26
    Private Eye Baby says:

    “Exclusive – the original proponent of Scottish independence revealed”

  27. 27
    Anonymous says:

    Blether together

  28. 28
    David of Stourbridge says:

    Bonnie-lad and Clyde

  29. 29
    Captain Jack "Jack" Shit says:

    In an independent Scotland we’ll go one better than Cameron’s gay marriage reforms. It will no longer be illegal to shag a tree north of the border.

  30. 30
    Norm Normal says:

    I had a suspicion Samond smoked weed before drafting policies, never thought I’d see a weed trying to smoke Salmond though?

  31. 31
    Wee Willy Winky says:

    This time next year we’ll both be stuffed

  32. 32
    concrete pump says:

    Pillock of the Glen.

  33. 33
    Anonymous says:

    Dear, dear, come and have a hug it’s what politicians do lie and be nasty to each other!

  34. 34
    Banned says:

    Salmond was so envious of the English, his green eyed monster was born.

  35. 35
    M­a­­q­b­o­­ul the Awesome says:

    At last, Salmond grasps the nettle.

  36. 36
    Ancient Aliens says:

    New GCHQ spying concerns as SNP leader Alex Salmond suspects a plant.

  37. 37
    David of Stourbridge says:

    Both are surely feeling pricks.

  38. 38
    tj says:

    Salmond denies links to Glasgow doping scandal.

  39. 39
    Tom Baker says:

    GREEN THING ; “That’s it Alex. Keep going – I’m nearly there.”

  40. 40
    Monarch of the McGlen! says:

    It was good whilst it lasted!

  41. 41
    concrete pump says:

    Caber tosser fails smug test.

  42. 42
    Senior civil servant says:

    “This is what currentree union looks like”

  43. 43
    Lizzie says:

    Alex Salmond makes guest appearance on Gaza children’s show.

  44. 44
    bergen says:

    I hate thistles. I always find a prick.

  45. 45
    thostids says:

    “You’re the wrong fucking colour. I ordered blue and white.”

  46. 46
    Wed Ed says:

    He said make it witty

  47. 47

    Green thing: ‘Are you my daddy?’

  48. 48
    Lizzie says:

    Salmond hugged by SNP supporter before they become two short planks …

  49. 49

    “You do realise that after polling day our meetings will have to be more formal and transparent ?!! Having said that, how many bricks do you think you will need to re-build the wall? “

  50. 50
    Lizzie says:

    Salmond overcome by joy as English athlete wins gold medal!

  51. 51

    Wee, sleekit, cow’rin, tim’rous ‘lexie,
    O, what a panic’s in thy breastie!
    Thou need na start awa fro’ ma huggie,
    Wi’ bickering brattle!
    I wi’nae be laith to rin an’ chase thee,
    Wi’ pricklin’ pattle!

    But, ‘lexie, thou art no thy lane,
    In proving foresight may be vain;
    The best-laid schemes o’ mice an ‘men
    Gang aft agley,
    An’ lea’e us nought but grief an’ pain,
    For promis’d joy!

    Apologies to Robert Burns

  52. 52
    WoRaft Chihuahua says:

    Och Aye of the Triffids

  53. 53
    Alex Salmond says:

    I told you Question Time used plants!

  54. 54
    Mycroft says:

    Thistle make me look even more of a c’nt.

  55. 55

    No, no, I said, I could do with some Weed.

  56. 56
    Tooth fairy says:

    First Minister going out for a leak, got more than he bargained for.

  57. 57
    MSM4 says:

    ‘There, there’ said the Money Tree

  58. 58
    Anonymous says:

    Mascot harass Scot.

  59. 59
    7223 ( ret'd) says:

    Salmond Takes Solace In Embracing Giant Imaginary Cannabinoid Friend.

  60. 60
    steve gardner says:

    DAD Where have you been all these years? its a good job mom was good looking though.

  61. 61
    Wee fat Eck of the Shortbread Senate says:

    The Green Blob embraces independence.

  62. 62
    steve gardner says:

    Dont worry dad, I still love you even if the Scots dont ( its a good job mom was good looking though.)

  63. 63
    Stingy Ringpiece says:

    ‘ At last, after a search lasting many of your centuries, we have finally encountered fellow lard-based life-forms”

  64. 64
    Anonymous says:

    This is pure saltire.

  65. 65
    Corry O'Lanus says:

    “Tell me President Salmond, pretty please, am i better looking than your Jimmy Krankie sidekick?”

  66. 66

    Gordon McDoom escapes mental hospital in disguise.

  67. 67
    TJ says:

    You might feel a bit of a prick, Alex.

    Not if the rest of the population are as green as you?

  68. 68
    Lord Wellard of No Apologies says:

    Some thistles have bigger pricks than others.

  69. 69
    BBC 24hr Rolling Bollocks says:

    After their warm embrace both checked to see if they still had their wallets.

  70. 70
    Vlad the Loudhailer says:

    Who said internet dating doesn’t work!

  71. 71

    Salmond: Is that a pound in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?

  72. 72
    Anonymous says:

    Spot the Muppet

  73. 73
    Another Day in Paradise says:

    “Thistle be the day!”

  74. 74
    Bad Taste Bob says:

    I take it the green guy is one of the competitors from the Paralympics.

  75. 75

    Mascot: Alex! It’s me, Vlado! The only way I could get to speak to you unobserved. I want to run my pipeline into you as I am about to be blown by the Ukrainians. Careful, don’t want any spillage!

  76. 76
    Fat Alex's Gastric Band says:

    Remember children to eat at least Fife a day.

  77. 77
    Fat Alex's Gastric Band says:

    Vote Green

  78. 78
    Anonymous says:

    One Muppet greets another Muppet.

  79. 79
    coffindodga says:

    Wellcome to Disney land,Alex

  80. 80
    Wee fat Eck of the Shortbread Senate says:

    The Green Blob embraces Insanity!

  81. 81
    Unknown_entity says:

    Salmond: They’re no going to vote yes Clyde, did you hear them singing God save the Queen last night?
    Clyde: Cry me a river

  82. 82

    There, there. I’m still more real than your economic plans.

  83. 83
    Ed Miliband says:

    Just how low can one man stoop for a Photo Op.

    That Weird looking alien doesn’t have to be seen with Salmond to be seen as normal he just needs an Axelrod.

  84. 84

    Background chatter:
    Q: Who is the great, green, fat, bug-eyed one with the ear to ear grin?
    A; That’s Wee Alex!

  85. 85
    Keith Dovkants says:

    We now know why Alex Salmond is seldom seen in public with his wife . . .

  86. 86
    the Black Pudding says:

    personal assistant checks if the seams are showing.

  87. 87
    Schrodinger's Twat says:

    Billy, do you remember the admonishment in the N.B. to this post


  88. 88
    Bill Quango MP says:

    Salmond reveals sum total of 1 new green job created.

  89. 89
    Tooth fairy says:

    President Juncker undertook pre independence negotiations with the First Minister for Scotland’s application to join to EU.

  90. 90
    Ed Milibandwagon says:

    if you want someone good, don’t vote for me.

  91. 91
    the Black Pudding says:

    Mad scientist checks the seams on his creation.

  92. 92

    It’s nice to see Jim Devine starting a new career.

  93. 93

    8i11y, do you remember the admonishment in the N.B. to this post


  94. 94
    Machine says:

    And so 9 months later Shrek was born.

  95. 95
  96. 96
    Alex S says:

    “Miliband gets snapped with Obama and I get some bawbag of an anthropomorphic plant”

  97. 97
  98. 98
    Whiffler says:

    Could Ed Miliband be right about politicians and photo-ops ?

  99. 99
    Hear All See All says:

    openeurope.org.uk report:-
    In a letter to Swiss President Didier Burkhalter, EU member states have said that the free movement of people is one of the EU’s fundamental principles and thus cannot be negotiated or restricted through the use of quotas. The EU decision was made unanimously and follows a Swiss public vote in favour of introducing a cap on the number of migrants from EU countries in a referendum earlier this year.
    Good luck Cameron.

  100. 100

    Bonny and Clyde?

  101. 101
    Everybody loves a Tory says:

    Barking mad, the pair of ‘em. The perfect Union at last.

  102. 102

    “When Scotland goes nuclear-free there will be no more of these hideous mutations”

  103. 103
    Anonymous says:

    Now say sorry to the rest of us.

  104. 104

    The’Better Together’ campaign surprise Alex with one of their plants.

  105. 105
    Anonymous says:

    Ugh, i’ll just close my eyes and think of Scotland

  106. 106
    Maimed Codger says:

    Salmond meets his Crecy

  107. 107
    The Critic says:

    Don’t worry Alex, I’ll vote for independence,even if no-one else does.

  108. 108
    TJ says:

    Hard Left turn Clyde.

  109. 109
    ceejay says:

    On the menu – “Salmond Salad with dressing”

  110. 110
    Norm Normal says:

    Och Mz Sturgeon yae look even mair beautiful wi’out the makeup, me iccle fish cake!

  111. 111
    non taxable pikey says:

    Which one of us is the vegetable?

  112. 112
    Beyond Watford says:

    “Monster squeezing Scotland’s future” says mascott

  113. 113
    Scarlet Lancer says:

    “After September it needn’t be the end. I’ve heard there are job opportunities for a man with your looks in a land far away” said the PC Robertson’s Golly.

  114. 114
    M says:

    This is easier than wrestling with the facts

  115. 115
    Ippikin says:

    I thought Caoline Lucas is gay.

  116. 116
    Scott Jostlin' says:

    Oh! you take the High road and I’ll take the Low road,

    But it won’t make an inch of difference.

    We’re going nowhere.

  117. 117
    Ah! lex says:

    ” Hey, I can see right through you “

  118. 118

    The Green Blob shows its love for Alex and his beloved windmills (and their taxpayer subsidies)

  119. 119

    I’m a wee bullshitter myself, but I like to hear a professional at it, so please continue.

  120. 120
    Dave says:

    A Scot and vegetables? Nah, too far fetched…

  121. 121
    ilson says:

    “Ah flobadob, floboboabdaod. Flobadob.” Said Alex.
    “I think you’ve had enough!” Said Weed.

  122. 122
    cynic says:

    Alex found that after 2 bottle of Buckie even Nicola looked wonderful

  123. 123
    realspin says:

    “Salmond Spawns a Monster!”

  124. 124
    mraemiller says:

    Treebeard to be investigated by Operation Yewtree

  125. 125
  126. 126
    Anonymous says:

    Bet you hope the electorate are this green in September.

  127. 127
    Dougie says:

    Dear Guido,
    It’s HMS President, or the President but never the HMS President.

  128. 128
    cynic says:

    Oh that is good

  129. 129
    Anonymous says:

    It’s no good Nicola someone’s going to spot you.

  130. 130
    cynic says:

    There there Alex. Dinnae cry.

    In annither 300 years the peeple may actually want independence

  131. 131
    cynic says:

    If I hadn’t had this gastric band fitted on the Scottish NHS I might jist have gobbled you up

  132. 132
    Anonymous says:

    It’s no good Nicola someone’s bound to spot you.

  133. 133
    Norm Normal says:


  134. 134
    Mike Wilkinson says:

    Oh Nicola I don’t know if I prefer this outfit to the Nessie one.. Neither of them make you’re bum look any smaller…. let me just make sure the room is booked before we go too far…

  135. 135

    We will take as many green people into our great nation as we can

  136. 136
    Slim Jim says:

    ”Please, please Herr Juncker, let us in if we win; ah’ll fill up Campbelltown Loch wi’ whisky for ye tae drink”….

  137. 137
    Ma baw says:

    Eck, its me, Dave.
    Only way I could get in without paying.
    Got another great idea for your campaign, as good as the keep-the-pound and let-Bank-of-England-tell-you-how-much-on-you-pocket-money-you-get-charged ideas.
    This week’s one is let Rangers and Celtic to go join League One in England.

  138. 138
    Doggie Fashion says:

    ‘you’re’ [sigh]

  139. 139
    Ma baw too says:

    “2 tickets for a John Redwood lecture”
    Ha ha ha, that must be the winner.

  140. 140
    the old ones are the best says:

    ..second prize, four tickets.

  141. 141
    Vote Dave? Get stuffed says:

    Just say the word and we kill all the English.

  142. 142
    Green Thing says:

    “..a land where you keep the pound, stay in the EU and money grows on trees. And on the count of three, I’m going to bring you back to the real world.”

  143. 143
    Anonymous says:

    Does Guido mean HMS President (1918) or the stone frigate HMS President?

  144. 144
    Alex says:

    These nasty comments about me amount to bullying and scaremongering.

  145. 145
    foxgoose says:

    “Lower, Darling!”

  146. 146
    Tyrannosaurus Hibernium says:

    Keep your enemies closer.

  147. 147
    Desperate Anne says:

    Like you, Anon, I just can’t think of anything witty to say. Are there any black market tickets for this lecture by John Redwood? I’d pay far more than 30 quid each.

  148. 148
    gary says:

    Wearing of the Green

  149. 149
    gary says:

    A free car bomb detector would have been a more fitting prize

  150. 150
    Jim'll Fix it says:

    “Psst it’s me Jimmy Saville, they all think I’m dead, but I’m not and I’m just going to push my hand down your trousers- is that a Yes vote ?”

  151. 151
    Paul clayton says:

    Cheer up Mate – next St. Andrew’s Day you can have your blue and white smoke!

  152. 152
    Rowley Pugh says:

    Wake up Alex, the dream is turning into a nightmare

  153. 153
    The Timerunner says:

    And Salmond certainly is the biggest of pricks.

  154. 154
    Rockon says:

    Alex Salmond looking happy only eight weeks before his assination

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