PMQs SKETCH: The Best Reshuffle in Modern Times

Animal noises greeted Cameron’s arrival in the Commons. Countrymen will have recognised the noise that hogs make when the swill bucket arrives. Oh, it’s such a time to be a Tory. The best reshuffle in modern times has put the party onto an election-winning footing. They express their pleasure in the most elemental way.

Emma Lewell-Buck couldn’t make a dent in their cheerfulness:

“There are more bald men with £5m property portfolios and sons at public school going out with girls called Tallulah than there are women in the cabinet,” she declared, nearly.

Cameron said the gynemetrics of the cabinet were pretty good and absent those hoary reactionaries of the Liberal Democrats they’d be even better: a third of Conservative cabinet is now female.

Every week Cameron looks easier, calmer, more in control of his party, his policy and his election plan – and every week his opponent dances at the despatch box like a spastic marionette. What a rout it’s turning into.

Miliband began – he’d always undertaken to support the Government when they did the right thing (audience cringing), so he whole-heartedly supported the sacking of the Education secretary (audience turned, much laughter, some from Tories).

The answer was cute, in Cameron’s ave atque vale, major public school, Inner Temple way: Sir George Young had been so distinguished a parliamentarian for so long that only someone of Gove’s stature would be a suitable replacement. Admiring laughter at the deftness of the insincerity.

Why, Ed kept asking, his convulsive string master taking another swig of the meths, why did he sack Gove if everything had been going so well? Was it because of the failure of the Free Schools program that was a disaster for learning standards with unqualified teachers because it was actually a total failure, Vyvyan?

Goaded into the economy Ed declared that people were working “longer and harder for less” (if this were true, productivity would be rising), and that Cameron had “the worst record on living standards of any prime minister in history.”

Yes, any prime minister, any prime minister in history Vyvyan!

The cost of living crisis will hardly be eased by tax rises, Cameron casually pointed out. He said Harriet Harman had announced that the middle classes should pay more tax. And there she was sitting next to her leader mouthing surely: “They do! They do!”

Surely, she’d been asked whether the middle income should pay more taxes and she’d replied, “They already do pay more tax!”

She couldn’t be saying, “It’s true! It’s true!”

Ah, but she was.

Ed’s bacon sandwich, Harriet’s tax policy, Ed Balls – election winners.


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“CHEATED” LIBDEM PICTURED CAMPAIGNING ON BATTLE BUS “CHEATED” LIBDEM PICTURED CAMPAIGNING ON BATTLE BUS
CHRISTINE HAMILTON HIRED ON THE PUBLIC PAYROLL CHRISTINE HAMILTON HIRED ON THE PUBLIC PAYROLL
CONSERVATIVES IN: SPOT THE DIFFERENCE CONSERVATIVES IN: SPOT THE DIFFERENCE
HULL UNIVERSITY THIRD TO DISAFFILIATE FROM NUS HULL UNIVERSITY THIRD TO DISAFFILIATE FROM NUS
CAMERON’S AIRFARE FABLE CAMERON’S AIRFARE FABLE
TELEGRAPH BLOODBATH: NEW JOBS CULL UNDERWAY TELEGRAPH BLOODBATH: NEW JOBS CULL UNDERWAY
CCHQ FREEZE MPS AND ASSOCIATIONS OUT OF VOTE SOURCE CCHQ FREEZE MPS AND ASSOCIATIONS OUT OF VOTE SOURCE
OSBORNE MISSED BORROWING TARGET BY EVEN MORE THAN PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT OSBORNE MISSED BORROWING TARGET BY EVEN MORE THAN PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT
POLICE INVESTIGATING SHADOW MINISTER OVER ELECTION EXPENSES POLICE INVESTIGATING SHADOW MINISTER OVER ELECTION EXPENSES
TOOTING BY-ELECTION CAMPAIGN KICKS OFF IN BATTERSEA TOOTING BY-ELECTION CAMPAIGN KICKS OFF IN BATTERSEA
ELECTORAL COMMISSION ON JOCK-‘COPTER CAMPAIGN ELECTORAL COMMISSION ON JOCK-‘COPTER CAMPAIGN
STURGEON DUCKS CHOPPER QUESTION STURGEON DUCKS CHOPPER QUESTION
NUS CHIEF EXECUTIVE PAID FIVE TIMES AVERAGE GRADUATE NUS CHIEF EXECUTIVE PAID FIVE TIMES AVERAGE GRADUATE
CORBYN CLAPPED COMMIE LEADER FOR REFUSING TO TOAST THE QUEEN CORBYN CLAPPED COMMIE LEADER FOR REFUSING TO TOAST THE QUEEN
SNP CHOPPER NOT DECLARED PROPERLY SNP CHOPPER NOT DECLARED PROPERLY
SADIQ RAISES EU FLAG ABOVE CITY HALL SADIQ RAISES EU FLAG ABOVE CITY HALL
SAJ ‘PRIVATELY SAID HE WANTED TO LEAVE’ SAJ ‘PRIVATELY SAID HE WANTED TO LEAVE’
CRICK CRICK’D CRICK CRICK’D
EU WANTS CULTURAL QUOTAS ON NETFLIX AND AMAZON PRIME EU WANTS CULTURAL QUOTAS ON NETFLIX AND AMAZON PRIME
LIBDEM WHO COMPLAINED TO POLICE ABOUT TORY ELECTION FRAUD BROKE SPENDING RULES LIBDEM WHO COMPLAINED TO POLICE ABOUT TORY ELECTION FRAUD BROKE SPENDING RULES
LABOUR WON’T ALLOW CONFERENCE DELEGATES TO SELF-IDENTIFY LABOUR WON’T ALLOW CONFERENCE DELEGATES TO SELF-IDENTIFY
WORST BEATLES TRIBUTE BAND EVER WORST BEATLES TRIBUTE BAND EVER
CELEBRITY CONSUMER CHAMPION HITS BACK AT BSE CELEBRITY CONSUMER CHAMPION HITS BACK AT BSE
MOMENTUM REJOICE! ONLY 65% THINK CORBYN NOT READY TO BE PM MOMENTUM REJOICE! ONLY 65% THINK CORBYN NOT READY TO BE PM
TAXPAYER FUNDED ASH LOBBIED GOVERNMENT FOR PLAIN-PACKS TAXPAYER FUNDED ASH LOBBIED GOVERNMENT FOR PLAIN-PACKS
REMAIN’S GILLIAN DUFFY MOMENT REMAIN’S GILLIAN DUFFY MOMENT
NORTHERNERS MOCK “GRIM UP NORTH” BURNHAM NORTHERNERS MOCK “GRIM UP NORTH” BURNHAM
LONG-TERM RISE OF ANTI-POLITICS LONG-TERM RISE OF ANTI-POLITICS