July 16th, 2014

PMQs SKETCH: The Best Reshuffle in Modern Times

Animal noises greeted Cameron’s arrival in the Commons. Countrymen will have recognised the noise that hogs make when the swill bucket arrives. Oh, it’s such a time to be a Tory. The best reshuffle in modern times has put the party onto an election-winning footing. They express their pleasure in the most elemental way.

Emma Lewell-Buck couldn’t make a dent in their cheerfulness:

“There are more bald men with £5m property portfolios and sons at public school going out with girls called Tallulah than there are women in the cabinet,” she declared, nearly.

Cameron said the gynemetrics of the cabinet were pretty good and absent those hoary reactionaries of the Liberal Democrats they’d be even better: a third of Conservative cabinet is now female.

Every week Cameron looks easier, calmer, more in control of his party, his policy and his election plan – and every week his opponent dances at the despatch box like a spastic marionette. What a rout it’s turning into.

Miliband began – he’d always undertaken to support the Government when they did the right thing (audience cringing), so he whole-heartedly supported the sacking of the Education secretary (audience turned, much laughter, some from Tories).

The answer was cute, in Cameron’s ave atque vale, major public school, Inner Temple way: Sir George Young had been so distinguished a parliamentarian for so long that only someone of Gove’s stature would be a suitable replacement. Admiring laughter at the deftness of the insincerity.

Why, Ed kept asking, his convulsive string master taking another swig of the meths, why did he sack Gove if everything had been going so well? Was it because of the failure of the Free Schools program that was a disaster for learning standards with unqualified teachers because it was actually a total failure, Vyvyan?

Goaded into the economy Ed declared that people were working “longer and harder for less” (if this were true, productivity would be rising), and that Cameron had “the worst record on living standards of any prime minister in history.”

Yes, any prime minister, any prime minister in history Vyvyan!

The cost of living crisis will hardly be eased by tax rises, Cameron casually pointed out. He said Harriet Harman had announced that the middle classes should pay more tax. And there she was sitting next to her leader mouthing surely: “They do! They do!”

Surely, she’d been asked whether the middle income should pay more taxes and she’d replied, “They already do pay more tax!”

She couldn’t be saying, “It’s true! It’s true!”

Ah, but she was.

Ed’s bacon sandwich, Harriet’s tax policy, Ed Balls – election winners.


145 Comments

  1. 1
    Bitchfinder General says:

    I’m still voting UKIP Cameron. I’d rather vote Labour than Tory, says an an ex Tory voter.

    Like

    • 7
      Arse IV says:

      In English please.

      Like

    • 13
      Anonymous says:

      You still are a very confused person.

      Like

    • 18
      A secret ballot, One candidate. Soviet Style says:

      Like

      • 55
        Anonymous says:

        How refreshing to listen to a politician who says it exactly how it is, well done Nigel.

        Liked by 2 people

        • 85
          carlo gambino says:

          shame then he’s only got two policies.

          Like

          • carlo gambino says:

            Three if you count ‘bringing back handguns’.

            Like

          • The Growler says:

            Could we look forward to a shoot out at the HoC, they would only be using cap guns.
            The Master has failed to take over Time Warner, oh dear, he doesn’t like to be told to go away.

            Like

          • One, 2, miss a few, 99, 100! says:

            Leaving the EU, Immigration, Tax Reform, Voting Reform, Stopping Overseas Aid, Getting Rid of Quango’s…There you go ducky, I’ve just named some (and there seems to be more than two there Ducky). I would go into more, but when dealing with lying schmucks like you, I know that I’m already wasting my breath.

            Like

        • 97
          constituency trainbound says:

          Its not very difficult pointing out the obvious … and sage Farage isn’t … but the fact is Junckers will probably end up giving Cameron most of the things we want as long as we don’t put him to task about freedom of movement …. that in reality we can deal with ourselves by restricting the ability to claim

          He said as a mainstay of his submission that he wanted to find a way to keep us in the EU … the EU elections has made many of our fellow members sit up and realise … given slowly … that what the British want
          so many of their own voters like the idea of aswell.

          The fact that other member states haven’t nailed their colours to the mast over Junckers is borne more of the fact that the current rules render them powerless to change the candidate so why have the showdown now.

          Many will wait until they clearly recognise the sort of reforms the British want resonate well with their home audiences and could allow them to cherry pick those that suit their own electoral objectives.

          Like

          • One, 2, miss a few, 99, 100! says:

            You miss the point entirely my Europhile Fiend. Some of us DON’T WANT TO BE IN A UNITED STATES OF EUROPE, and feel that being British is enough to compete in the World in this day and age. Your perverted ‘logic’ is like saying that you have to join a club to be able to explain the fact that you don’t like being in the club in the first place. Your ignorance of Democracy, as well as legitimacy, is quite disturbing. I’m just wondering, does your own narcissism prevent you from seeing the Democratic Deficiency of our membership because it suits your viewpoint? The people of the UK have a RIGHT to vote on membership, Socialist dross like yourselves expect to participate in an argument, whilst technically denying a voice from others. Naive buddy, seriously naive….

            Like

          • constituency trainbound says:

            you should up the meds … I won’t waste time replying to your vent its wrong on so many levels including how incisively you suggest I am socialist.

            as michael gove might suggest … ‘could do better but don’t try’

            Like

          • One, 2, miss a few, 99, 100! says:

            You perused through the general EU thinking whilst stating “allow them to cherry pick those that suit their own electoral objectives”. At NO point did you mention that, perhaps, and possibly in fact, the general UK standpoint of voters was to Leave the EU? You offer further delays, hoping that the UK could possibly ‘get some scraps’, whilst the rest of the EU trundles-on. Europe has NEVER show any balls since the conception of the EU. It’s ‘the blind leading the blind’, or perhaps a better term would be ‘A Lemming’s Conga’?….BTW, faux Conservatives in my eyes, ARE Socialists.

            Like

          • constituency trainbound says:

            You shouldn’t have bothered you’ve added nothing to the totally negative narrative you promulgate which I do not accept is the prevailing opinion of the majority at this juncture.

            Its absolutely right the electorate should have the opportunity to make the choice.

            Like

          • Sidneythesage says:

            What a load of old bo lox.

            Like

      • 133
        The United Kingdom says:

        Well done Nige.

        Like

    • 28
      Jimmy the fish says:

      Lewell-Buck is everything that’s wrong with politics today. A nobody who got on by being a woman and being stroppy. From wikipedia:

      Lewell-Buck studied politics and media studies at Northumbria University,[1] before gaining a Masters degree in social work from Durham University.

      Great.

      This house of commons, once home to Gladstone and Churchill reduced to her whinging about the fact that women are 25% of the cabinet. How many does she fucking want? Most women aren’t interested in politics or a lifetime in the House of Commons.

      Why the fuck can’t someone stand up and say everyone complaining that an MP is white or bald or whatever can just sod off – judge people on their record. Just amazing how we’re all being made to bow down before the sort of rabid feminists who only a few years ago everyone rightly laughed at.

      Like

      • 32
        táxpáyér says:

        Has she complained about the shortage of male teachers?

        Like

      • 43
        ThickAsThievesReborn says:

        +1

        Wish someone, anyone in a position of authority would have the balls to just say “to hell with ALL pc nonsense, just get the best person for the job – end of”.

        You can bet Maggie Thatcher would slap down such a question – instead spoonface indulged the feminazis going on about how oroud he was to have sacked some men to get to 33% women.

        Like

      • 61
        Anonymous says:

        Are you old and male by any chance?

        Like

      • 140
        low resolution fox says:

        As a white bald man (no £5m property portfolio, did I miss the queue?) should I ask her if she discriminates against us? She certainly seems to consider it an undesirable trait

        Mind you, I consider ‘Labour MP’ to be an intellectual disability in some respects.

        Like

    • 44
      táxpáyér says:

      BBC in full defence of their party over Harm-men’s gaffe.

      Like

    • 63
      Kinnochio says:

      You please Miliband immensely. Is he paying you?

      Like

    • 135
      The Real Population says:

      All these people claiming to be ex-Tory voters. It’s a wonder the Conservatives ever lost an election.

      UKIP = Half-witted, racist fuckwads with high blood pressure. Nobody really wants that, mate. Give up.

      Like

      • 137
        FPTP Representative says:

        40% of me thinks you’re talking sense. 60% of me thinks you’re a cnut. Guess what? Our survey say’s…..’You’re correct!’. Now potter off and live in your Delusional Democracy…

        Like

      • 141
        low resolution fox says:

        It’s a logical progression, the EU precipitates huge changes to society that some cannot comprehend or understand (or desire to). A desire to return to perceived normality is entirely normal.

        To some extent I like the US of Europe intentions, and for all the media friendly PR that Farage displays, let’s not forget he doesn’t campaign for many ‘common man’ issues. As far as I can tell, he’s a finance city worker (commodity trader/PR marketing), son of a city worker (share dealing), who mainly seems to want to pull out of Europe since the EU started making ethical progress / taxation on the finance industry.

        Like

  2. 2
    Bitchfinder General says:

    Oh yes, and piss off!

    Like

  3. 3
    Engineer says:

    Good job there’s no window-dressing going on, then.

    Like

    • 19
      Fishy says:

      That’s Labour’s job. Cameron on has promoted able women that have proved themselves over the past 4 years.

      Labour have promoted:

      Harman
      Reeves
      The Eagle Brothers
      Flint
      Thornberry
      etc
      etc
      etc

      Actually in the Eagles’ case not so much in the way of window dressing. More like a butcher’s slab.

      Like

      • 20
        Engineer says:

        Liz Truss instead of Owen Paterson, the best minister the countryside has had in decades?

        Truss will have to very able indeed to better Paterson.

        Like

        • 67
          Odds favour ? says:

          Cameron, justifying the reshuffle at PMQs, said:

          “I want a team that reflects modern Britain and can be everything that modern Britain needs it to be.”

          So that’s why he dumped two of the most principled ministers, Gove and Paterson, and opted for inexperienced, less able window dressing replacements.

          That explanation is nothing but an insult to both ministers dumped, and many older voters who believe merit should carry more weight than worshipping at the shrine of PC.

          It’s an insult to anyone considered male, pale and stale, and to all those in education who stood to benefit from the courage and principle imbued in Gove’s reform.

          I suspect he’s made up the minds of many UKIp followers who might have wavered.

          Like

          • Cinna says:

            Indeed. And if he thinks he’s won any female UKIP voters back to the Tories by installing this rag bag of female Ginny-come-latelys, he’d better think again.
            SWMBO looked at the reshuffle and simply said “tosser”.

            Like

          • low resolution fox says:

            Gove has done great things and is well respected among those who look at the bigger picture, however he has fucked off the teaching unions in the process and was a 2015 election liability. I hope he realises that and doesn’t take it personally?

            Like

        • 125
          Sidneythesage says:

          I had a truss once. Not up to standard. Too loose and floppy.

          Like

      • 27
        Vote Tory, get sickening political correctness and unlimited immigration says:

        “Cameron on has promoted able women that have proved themselves over the past 4 years.”

        And he’s demoted able men who have proved themselves over the last four years.

        Like

        • 45
          Bill Quango MP says:

          Quite. Both Blair and Brown used their reshuffles to try and move their enemies spies out and their own in.

          If the person was any good or not was an irrelevance.

          Smith. Hoon. Flint. Prescott. Reid. Blears. Harman. Blunkett. Straw. Miliband. Miliband again. Balls. Cooper..well, you know the list..

          If you carved the names of useless labour ministers onto a lump of stone people would think it was a 14-18 war memorial from a particularly hard hit town.

          Like

        • 126
          OldVoluptous says:

          Call Me Dave is getting desperate if he has to call in the Cameron Cuties.

          Like

      • 72
        Dangerous Brian says:

        Whoa, don’t denigrate Caroline Flint like this, everytime she appears in public she reinforces everything that is right and noble about the glorious Labour Party.
        How she isn’t next in line for leader is completely beyond me.

        Like

        • 145
          Bob cuntface Crow says:

          I detest Flint with every ounce of my being,but as Peter Cook would say,she gives me the horn.

          Like

      • 75
        The two Muppets says:

        Thank goodness that Miliband has such an incompetent shower on
        his front bench , they are all the deadbeats from the last
        Labour Government . It will be interesting to see which ones he has
        to sack once he gets his orders from Len McClusky .

        Like

      • 93
        The Growler says:

        The Eagle Brothers. They sound like Yanks in this

        Like

    • 26
      Mycroft says:

      That is what the re-shuffle was, just political flatulence emanating from a bunch of shop-window dummies.

      Like

      • 34
        táxpáyér says:

        How insulting to this fantastic group that promotes trade in the essential retail sector.

        Like

        • 69
          Mycroft says:

          They don’t mind though!

          The average Tory voter and Labour voters generally too are similar to the shop-front dummies of this world, largely inert, voiceless and are manipulated into occasionally grotesque positions.

          It seems that our ‘Glorious Leader’ has decided to become a window dresser, he might perhaps consider changing his name to Julian and adopt a limp wrist to make the transition from incompetent PM to mincing shirt-lifter complete.

          Like

      • 110
        Five Knuckle Shuffle says:

        At least people have a smile on their face when I’m around.

        Like

  4. 4
    Simon's on good form says:

    Has he found a new rentboy?

    Like

  5. 5
    Maqboul the fool says:

    Yeah, alright Dave, you’ve still lost the GE.

    Like

    • 22
      Odds favour ? says:

      Lord Ashcroft notes:

      Bookies constituency odds suggest Labour just short of a majority in 2015.

      Like

      • 30
        Nick Clegg says:

        Yippee!

        I’m still going to be deputy useless!
        Even if we are wiped out there are enough thicko hippies and gay professionals, mentally ill and stupid people to ensure at least 15 Libby seats.

        That’s us in power..whooohoo!!!— we get to run the nation even though no one really likes us or votes for us.

        I was a fool to campaign for AV. This system is way way way better. keeps UKIP out and us in!

        Happy days!

        Like

  6. 6
  7. 8
    Joe says:

    Cracking innings by Cameron before the house closes for its latest break.

    Milliband is a twat.

    Liked by 1 person

    • 100
      constituency trainbound says:

      I can’t wait for his reshuffle … trouble is he daren’t sack anyone and if he does its retreads or the tristams and chukkas roadshow options again or the cooper balls axis … oh dear ed you’re spoilt for choice of space wasters

      Like

  8. 9
    Jimmy says:

    Your stale pale male seems to have fallen in love.

    Like

  9. 10
    The flower died of neglect tra la la says:

    Cameron can believe his taxpayer paid helpers all he wants, he will not be PM after the May 2015 election, us plebs talk to each other and when politics gets spoken about the Camoron hate is the first to show it’s head, then little Ed’s get called names like a brainless trd, the Liebour name people were hoping it would go back before Bliar stole it, UKIP is doing well, vote UKIP and get rid of the LibLabCon party.

    Like

    • 62
      The Establishment is infested with Nonces says:

      I will at every election until we are out of the EU.

      Like

    • 101
      yawn.... says:

      yeah right

      Like

      • 114
        Interest Rates @ 6%+ says:

        Once people have seen what the LibLabCon’s have left us, then there really is only ONE option! – vote Greens! Wind farms are the savior of our Planet, and the UK! They cause NO pollution in their production, can give Infinite Energy 110% of the time and they Look Nice!

        Like

        • 127
          TwobrainWillie says:

          Wind Farms? What a load of old cobblers. They don’t work. And WE’RE paying for them. They’ll all fall down, or be pulled down in 10 years. Lovely dosh for some.

          Like

    • 136
      The Real Population says:

      You want to calm down, Son. All this angry ranting wont help your blood pressure.

      Now get on back to your leafy suburb and write some more furious LibLabCon anger prose. It’s good for what ails you.

      Like

  10. 11
    Jolly Miliband says:

    Its hols time – I’m off to Manchester for a really long wonk in a think tank

    Like

    • 37
      south7eventh says:

      Take a copy of The Guardian back to its spiritual home and use it to clean up the effluence and sludge at the bottom of the tank

      Like

  11. 12
    Westminsters C*nt quota is full says:

    Too many bald men too many hairy women not enough blacks.
    The real problem is there are so many c*nts in Westminster.
    Thick c*nts,fat c*nts naïve c*nts devious c*nts dishonest c*nts and sexually perverted c*nts.
    A selection process that only a c*nt could or even want to pass is what I think is to blame.
    Decent smart people do exist,they must do otherwise if this country was completely filled with c*nts there would be nobody to keep the lights switched on.
    Then again the C*nts are working on that.

    Like

  12. 14
    Keep calm, keep voting UKIP says:

    ‘Cameron looks easier, calmer’ – and why would he not, it’s only 10 months to his permanent vacation.

    Like

  13. 15
    Eds think bubble says:

    How did I end up here ?
    If Harriet was a man I could get rid no problem.
    If only I could get her to eat some poisoned PIE..hmmmmm

    Like

  14. 17
    Anonymous says:

    Whoever wrote this piece should get outside the bubble much more.

    Like

    • 23
      Winston says:

      Haha, Good spin from Guido or is he being sarcastic? In reality, even the safest Tory constituencies are virtually bust. In Tory Bucks, UKIP reckon they have more members and are more motivated and do more campaigning.

      Like

      • 38
        Mycroft says:

        The same in Berkshire, Wiltshire and Hampshire.

        The flood of people wanting to ‘work’ for us is stretching our own resources locally, keeping money back so as to promote the manifesto means we’ve taken to planning more than we’ve taken the action to the electorate for a few weeks.

        If we had a quarter of the resource that the three other parties had we’d walk this election with 90+ seats.

        As it is we’ll settle for 15 and anything after that would be just pure voting disquiet.

        Like

        • 103
          constituency trainbound says:

          don’t talk nonsense Mycroft … 90+ seats … get a grip

          Like

          • One, 2, miss a few, 99, 100! says:

            Again! It’s you and me pal. UKIP have made major inroads into a lot of areas. The thing that you don’t realise is that we aren’t changing our voting opinion’s. No matter how Tories like to deny it, you have a wilting grassroots and a message that really isn’t applicable to most normal folks now. Most aspirational Tories are now feeling wage stagnation, and the housing shortage (caused by immigration) has meant that most people will NEVER own their own house (unless it’s a shoe box). You’re selling a busted flush. People don’t need your puerile Tory rhetoric that’s Janus at its source. Touted by hereditary Millionaires who’ve never had a real job in their lives. People want the opportunity of a decent wage for decent work. They want to own their own houses without having to compete against 250,000 new people/year coming to our shores ‘to work’. The Tory Party offer nothing against the causes of this.

            Like

          • Mycroft says:

            One two… you outline our trump card, the palin fact is that many traditional Tory voters are seeing their childrens chances in life being thwarted and kerbed, they know this as you have to be rather wealthy to support your child, first through Higher schooling and then they may have to work as some form of zero hour/intern to get on.

            This is fine for the upper-middles but the middle-middles and lower middles are beginning to feel as though they have been deserted by the toffs at the top.

            I only have to mention this on the stump and the bile flows from them toward the Tory ‘haves’.

            Their are now in fact two types of Tory, the haves and have nots and the latter are beginning to realise they will forever condemn their children to being that way.

            The County-set are as happy as pigs in sh’t the ones below that who will never vote Labour are beginning to look at UKIP as a way to get back so traction on the now negative social advancement.

            Our new manifesto will give this type of voter something that will do exactly that.

            The middle isn’t just being squeezed, it’s being robbed of it’s hopes for the future.

            Vote UKIP, anything else and you do nothing to help yourself or your children, that’s the message we need to get across.

            Like

          • constituency trainbound says:

            and your bleating wrapped up in some utopian dream is the alternative ? …

            Farage’s advance from a standing start is admirable but stacked with untenable gaps in talent and foundation that means a one election jump
            to power is unrealistic.

            Apart from the residual baggage ukip already has within it’s ranks his Farage’s power lays within the EU parliament … an institution he is pledged to remove us from and yet spent his effort increasing his membership of.

            He is viewed as only a slightly less worrying Le Penn’esque character out to break the mould and play the mister awkward role using a syntax that hits lots of chords with the public but its smoke and mirrors and not deliverable.

            Like

          • constituency trainbound says:

            sorry Mycroft you and One 2 are both flying kites

            Like

          • Mycroft says:

            ct, it’s not my bleating, it is what you find on the doorstep.

            The idea that the problem, I have outlined it here, is not real is why the Tories up a certain creek without a paddle.

            The fact is that dopey Tories believe that ‘more people in work’ means something regarding aspiration to these voters, it no longer happens to be the case, crap jobs with stunted prospects just boils their p’ss.

            There is work, but the entire ethos of work is betterment and they know the cream is going to others and they know it.

            The problem with having an Eton gang at the top will haunt them, it only needs a tiny shove to bring that facade of privilege into focus, I intend to do that between now and the GE.

            The ‘we were born to lead’ spaz-cam went to the EU thinking his ‘natural leadership’ would work with them as it has until now with the UK’s voters, the EU p’ssed on his chips in an instant and he left realising his ‘born to lead’ facade is and always has been a falsehood, the idiot spaz-cam has about as much natural leadership quality that one would find in an erratic spinning-top.

            He’s f’cked.

            He’ll be f’cked on the Union vote too, the Scots might do us all two favours, f’ck off and stop bloody whingeing and deal the spaz-cam a nicely time kick in the nuts.

            It’s the Conservative & Unionist Party and if his ‘born to lead’ can’t keep that ancient alliance together then he’s crippled the very party that he leads.

            I hope the idiot scots vote out, they are stupid enough to do it… my fingers are crossed.

            Here in my little part of UKIP, if they kill the moron spaz-cam I’d even let them back into the Union after they (most assuredly) f’ck up their Independence.

            Like

          • constituency trainbound says:

            You’re focused on the man not the ball Mycroft … pragmatically whilst you’re wandering off to utopia again someone has to get the wealth creation juices in this country rolling again so that everyone in the loop eventually benefits.

            Of course its obvious most normal people are still struggling to get through to achieve the very things you mentioned earlier
            but after 13 years of chingrinner’s antics expecting that ukip can do or could have done any better is nonsense and you know it.

            The fact there are some very rich people doing very well for themselves is not the problem … wealth creation is in our national dna and without it we are prayerless.

            To suggest that because someone was lucky enough to have parents that chose to put their children through private school makes them somehow venal is outdated garbage and says far more about you than them if you believe everyone thus destined sees themselves as above anyone else in life.

            Like

          • You both stink. There's more to life outside of Oxbrige. says:

            Oy, sweet lips, ‘constituency trainbound’, if it wasn’t for the Civil Service, half of your jerk-offs wouldn’t know their briefs either. Fkin’ arrogant Cnut…..

            Like

          • Constituency train bound says:

            Not sure what Oxbridge or the cs have to do with it .. Do several dork

            Like

          • Mycroft says:

            ct, I don’t think I am playing the man at all, but voters most assuredly are and it would be foolish of me to disregard that fact.

            Additionally spaz-cam has made himself the centre of attention with his overtly quixotic positioning.

            There is plenty of wealth creation in the UK but it is not finding it’s way into the pockets of the vast majority.

            No-one minds another soul making money, what everyone minds is the dice being loaded to make that rise possible beyond the reach of so many.

            You seem to advocate the supine acceptance of hopelessness in ever finding a way forward, you’re wrong to think that.

            By removing ourselves from the EU and having a normal relationship with Europe, we save on not just the contribution aspect, but on the distribution aspect too, business would be freed of additional costs of importing into Europe through a central and expensive EU facility, this costs our exporters money every single day, our Industry pay twice over.

            With regard to luck gaining betterment for their children it’s now no longer ‘luck’, the game is being played more and more with loaded dice. There always was some element of that, but now the game is almost entirely played with loaded dice, people can see it, they see a ‘leadership’ that is full of people who played the game of betterment with loaded dice, leadership is a totem, if you can look at it and see that it doesn’t reflect anything of your life then it will be subject to the axe, just as the Native Americans would chop down old totems when there current ‘Chief’ was found wanting, they gather together and feel the totem, deposing their then chief.

            Spaz-cam is as much a totem as the ‘Chief’ that lead his tribe into bad pastures and created starvation and was axed.

            The analogy is complete because in those tribes the chief and his cohorts were fed first and then the remainder distributed to the ‘braves’ and their families, so failure was felt in the belly, people many people have the gut feeling the present group of chancers are taking more than their fair share.

            Like

  15. 24
    George Galloway says:

    Think about it. Hamas must have invested millions of $ in building its rocket arsenal designed to kill Isr*elis. What a tragic waste.

    Like

    • 66
      Unbelievable says:

      “…..rocket arsenal designed to kill Isr*elis.” What was it? – one dead Isr@eli (we are told) against hundreds of dead Pals. I have let off more powerful rockets than the pals have on Nov 5th.

      Like

  16. 25
    Prime Minister David Cameron says:

    BUMSEX

    Like

  17. 29
    Michael Gove says:

    Vote UKIP.

    Like

    • 129
      Willie Vague says:

      Vote for the EU. I will. You know it makes sense.
      I thought I was going to get THAT job.

      Like

  18. 31
    albacore says:

    Oh my, what a spiffing accolade
    A great tribute that will never fade:
    Dave’s better than Ed – it’s no contest
    Cast Iron’s best of the Tory best
    They might consider Larry the Cat
    He’d beat them both into a cocked hat

    Like

  19. 39
    Birmingham's state education department says:

    Like all white women, she is obviously a whore.

    Like

  20. 40
    táxpáyér says:

    Sometimes it’s good to be your own boss.

    Like

  21. 41
    táxpáyér says:

    She should’ve joined the BBC at White powder city.

    Like

  22. 42
    Rap is crap says:

    Mike GLC? Greater London Council?

    Like

  23. 47
    ChRis BrYanT'S GaPIng AnUS says:

    Id vote for a spastic marxist marionnette over a tory toff any day………… ner!!!!!

    Like

  24. 48
    Anonymous says:

    I much enjoy the sketch coverage of PMQs – week to week it makes me smirk.

    I think that we’re all past “spastic” being used as an effective description however. It cheapens otherwise excellent writing.

    Like

    • 53
      The public says:

      We first read it as ‘like a spastic monkey’ which actually enhanced the image.

      Like

    • 58
      Mycroft says:

      But he is a ‘spaccer’, he is the living embodiment of the modern use of the term.

      I have called him ‘spaccer-ed’ for this very reason, the sketch writer is trying to convey an impression and in this we concur, he just is what he is, a spaccer.

      Spaz-cam is also much the same but his personal disability is to actually do something constructive and of value for the greater number of the populace rather than taking them for granted and ‘cross-dressing’ incestantly to appeal to every assorted weirdo and pervert in the land.

      If you take the words at base meaning alone it is cruel and seemingly heartless, but that again due to the modern idiom that in some way a single word conveys an entire and complex intention or proposition, that is lazy thinking, it’s “meme” thinking, a sketch is not a f’cking meme, it is (perhaps) a series of them to convey an impression.

      In the old days we called it ‘creative writing’… but it did rather assume that the reader had the whit to grasp the entire concept and bog him/herself down in detail… hence the rather accurate term ‘sketch’.

      I often disagree with the chap who writes the sketches here, but that doesn’t devalue them and I never grasp a single word as being in some negating the effort.

      Sketch writing is a dying art, appreciate it (but always hold your opinion up in contrast) whilst it still is around.

      Like

      • 59
        Mycroft says:

        I have just read through my previous and it does convey I am ‘getting at you’ personally… that is actually not the impression I wanted to give, so I apologise in advance if you or anyone else reads that into it.

        I sort of ‘wandered off’ and put my own opinion and forgot to separate the two messages tried (clumsily) to convey.

        Like

    • 106
      Facedroop says:

      sorry anon its spazza these days and its used as a reflection of an inability not a disabilty

      Like

  25. 50
    A Teacher says:

    Gove gone and seven week’s payed holliday, it doesnt get much better than that!!

    Like

    • 57
      NUTter says:

      Probably going to drop performance related pay. So we can be as shit at our job as we like and nothing can be done.

      Happy days .

      Like

    • 70
      We have the answers says:

      You obviously majored in English at the Bethnal Green Poly.

      Like

    • 71
      couldabin says:

      It would be much better if you could only spell.

      Like

    • 82
      Cinna says:

      If you really are a teacher, and that’s your best shot at spelling, then the sacking of Gove is a betrayal of the children of this country. It’s gobshites like you who are in the process of making this country a place fit only for morons, idlers and leftie bedwetters.

      Thanks awfully.

      Like

    • 107
      constituency trainbound says:

      seven weeks 15 chapters … sounds feasible … out by christmas

      Like

  26. 51
    Anonymous says:

    “Ed declared that people were working “longer and harder for less” (if this were true, productivity would be rising), …”

    That is the fallacy of the age. Imagine two people pulling stones up hill.

    Imagine they have the chance of overtime so they work for 3 hours in the morning to select which stones to pull, and arrange them in order, then pull only half the stones up the hill as normal, and then inspect every stone for scratches.

    Much more work being done, but economic decline.

    There are whole Public bodies that have grown a culture of hard work without any output. It is work, to create zero output work, and get bonuses for achieving the zero targets.

    One had a bonus for lack of complaints, so they specified a complaint has to be on a certain printed card (smaller than a postcard) and then hid the cards. Any letters that they received, that did not conform, were not complaints.

    That is the UK.

    Like

    • 54

      In fact, if people work longer and harder for less, it is usually because their productivity has gone down.

      Like

      • 96
        Lazar Kagan(ovitch) starved 8 million Ukrainians to death in the Holodomor. says:

        Productivity is a measure of added value per unit of work ouput. The author of this piece would have been poor at sums at school.

        Like

    • 112
      confused..... says:

      do you have help changing lightbulbs ?

      Like

  27. 52

    When I read that the police had arrested 660 alleged P.D.Os, I expected the Commons to be empty, but far from it.

    Like

  28. 56

    Its not a good one – there is no fresh meat for me *sad face*

    Like

  29. 60
    Witty Monker says:

    In 2014 there were plenty of ‘Tories’ who, in the privacy of the voting booth, voted UKIP to teach Cameron a lesson.

    In 2015 there’ll be plenty of ‘UKIPpers’ who, in the privacy of the voting booth, will vote Tory to keep the Trots out.

    Liked by 1 person

  30. 64
    Selohesra says:

    I can get away with reading this blog at work – but when pics like that pop up it sort of attracts attention. She does have a lovely smile though :)

    Like

    • 86
      Peon says:

      It’s a pain in the bum. Gheedough’s modders are quick enough to remove postgs about him lying about getting awards for Statistics, but the soft-pron sits here forever. We can find it on the internet if we want it. I presume Gheedough seeks to attract those in the bubble for whom p o r n is tame stuff, OAPs and dolies.
      People trying to read at work breaks are not wanted.
      It also explains why no news at weekends.

      Like

  31. 79
    the way i see it says:

    If Labour wins in 2015 the country will go to hell in a handcart very quickly. If Cameron wins, the journey then becomes a slow one but with the same destination.
    I am told that voting UKIP would put Labour back.
    If your leg has to be broken would you like it done quickly or slowly?

    Like

    • 109
      constituency trainbound says:

      vote tory – at least whilst you hate the ones we’ve got they can do the job – labours completely plotless and along with ukip and the libdems a waste of vote.

      given a majority its long grass time for the rest

      Like

      • 115
        Odds favour ? says:

        Neither of the above 2 comments grasps the reality.

        It’s Labour, or another coalition with LibDems (i.e.: Cameron’s closet Libs and the LibDems).

        Much of a muchness.

        Few yet realise how much Green Crap tax is built into the agendas of all the above.

        Like

      • 139
        Reality Check says:

        Face it, they’re all monkeys at typewriters.
        Ctrl-Alt-Del.

        Like

    • 122
      EU-I hate you, I hate your State and I don't need your opinion on anything says:

      Country? Where we’re going, we don’t need a ‘Country’!

      Like

  32. 84
    PC Dixon says:

    Isn’t lying to some d-lister to coerce her into supplying coke some kind of offence?

    All Will Straw wanted was cash as he was (assuming not “is”) a straightforward drugs dealer, now rewarded with a safe seat.

    Like

    • 105
      Aunt Hilda says:

      if she’d had any sense she should have told him to get the powder in himself – flash git needs a bird to get his stash – not cool

      Like

  33. 89
    American says:

    Is this what you English mean by ‘irony’?

    Like

  34. 121
    Compulsory Drugs Testing-I'll be at the BBC from now on as well as the Houses Of Parliament says:

    Let’s see how the sanctimonious whelps like it themselves.

    Like

  35. 130
    Sir Sidney Bunberry-Dewdrop says:

    oh that it was that simple

    Like

  36. 138
    Swing Voter says:

    Felt a mild twinge with Esther’s split skirt, but on the whole the gash does not impress me.
    Get real……Bus Pass Elvis is offering brothels FFS.

    Like


Seen Elsewhere

Path to Defeat More Obvious for Both Labour and Tories | Rafael Behr
It’s Boris v May | Sun
Farage is Outflanking the Tories | Guardian
Boris is Right About Grammar Schools | Conservative Women
‘Obsolete’ Cable | Speccie
Why are Tories so Upbeat? | Alex Wickham
Clear Public Interest in Newmark Sting | Mirror
Boris Invites Farage to Join Tories | Guardian
RAF Too Run Down to Fight Islamic State | Con Coughlin
Osborne’s Personal Cuts Regime | Quentin Letts
Whoever Wins is Cursed | Janan Ganesh


VOTER-RECALL
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Mark Reckless told UKIP…

“We are more than a star on someone else’s flag.”



cynic says:

Can anyone help me? I went on holiday a week ago and returned to find someone has pulled out the stake and Gordon Brown is back and acting as Prime Minister. What did I miss? Has there been a snap election?


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