PMQs SKETCH: The Best Reshuffle in Modern Times

Animal noises greeted Cameron’s arrival in the Commons. Countrymen will have recognised the noise that hogs make when the swill bucket arrives. Oh, it’s such a time to be a Tory. The best reshuffle in modern times has put the party onto an election-winning footing. They express their pleasure in the most elemental way.

Emma Lewell-Buck couldn’t make a dent in their cheerfulness:

“There are more bald men with £5m property portfolios and sons at public school going out with girls called Tallulah than there are women in the cabinet,” she declared, nearly.

Cameron said the gynemetrics of the cabinet were pretty good and absent those hoary reactionaries of the Liberal Democrats they’d be even better: a third of Conservative cabinet is now female.

Every week Cameron looks easier, calmer, more in control of his party, his policy and his election plan – and every week his opponent dances at the despatch box like a spastic marionette. What a rout it’s turning into.

Miliband began – he’d always undertaken to support the Government when they did the right thing (audience cringing), so he whole-heartedly supported the sacking of the Education secretary (audience turned, much laughter, some from Tories).

The answer was cute, in Cameron’s ave atque vale, major public school, Inner Temple way: Sir George Young had been so distinguished a parliamentarian for so long that only someone of Gove’s stature would be a suitable replacement. Admiring laughter at the deftness of the insincerity.

Why, Ed kept asking, his convulsive string master taking another swig of the meths, why did he sack Gove if everything had been going so well? Was it because of the failure of the Free Schools program that was a disaster for learning standards with unqualified teachers because it was actually a total failure, Vyvyan?

Goaded into the economy Ed declared that people were working “longer and harder for less” (if this were true, productivity would be rising), and that Cameron had “the worst record on living standards of any prime minister in history.”

Yes, any prime minister, any prime minister in history Vyvyan!

The cost of living crisis will hardly be eased by tax rises, Cameron casually pointed out. He said Harriet Harman had announced that the middle classes should pay more tax. And there she was sitting next to her leader mouthing surely: “They do! They do!”

Surely, she’d been asked whether the middle income should pay more taxes and she’d replied, “They already do pay more tax!”

She couldn’t be saying, “It’s true! It’s true!”

Ah, but she was.

Ed’s bacon sandwich, Harriet’s tax policy, Ed Balls – election winners.



Tip offs: 0709 284 0531
team@Order-order.com

Quote of the Day

Out of the bubble prole Andy Burnham tells Mumsnet

“I’m afraid I’m going to depress you all by saying that I don’t have a sweet tooth and don’t eat biscuits… Give me a beer and chips and gravy any day.”

Top Posts This Week

Guidogram: Sign up

Subscribe to the most succinct 7 days a week daily email read by thousands of Westminster insiders.

Facebook

ENERGY MINISTER TOTTY WATCH: LAS VEGAS EDITION ENERGY MINISTER TOTTY WATCH: LAS VEGAS EDITION
DIANE ABBOTT FORGETS SHE DIDN’T THINK CORBYN COULD WIN DIANE ABBOTT FORGETS SHE DIDN’T THINK CORBYN COULD WIN
NATWEST’S ONLINE BANKING CRASHES ON PAYDAY NATWEST’S ONLINE BANKING CRASHES ON PAYDAY
OWEN JONES: LIE-RA OWEN JONES: LIE-RA
GMB UNION SUE UBER GMB UNION SUE UBER
Who Will Be UKIP’s Mayoral Candidate? Who Will Be UKIP’s Mayoral Candidate?

Meanwhile, in Venezuela… Meanwhile, in Venezuela…
TWITTER EMPLOYEES JUMP FROM SINKING SHIP TWITTER EMPLOYEES JUMP FROM SINKING SHIP
Times Trolls Burnham Times Trolls Burnham
CHAMPAGNE SOCIALISTS BACK CORBYN CHAMPAGNE SOCIALISTS BACK CORBYN
SINN FEIN SHOULD “TAKE INSPIRATION” FROM ARMED UPRISING SINN FEIN SHOULD “TAKE INSPIRATION” FROM ARMED UPRISING
ALL CHANGE AT GREEN PARTY HQ ALL CHANGE AT GREEN PARTY HQ
I Can’t Believe He’s Not Tory! I Can’t Believe He’s Not Tory!
UBER DESTROYING RACIST TAXI INDUSTRY UBER DESTROYING RACIST TAXI INDUSTRY
Could Labour Fall Apart Under Corbyn? Could Labour Fall Apart Under Corbyn?
Hilarious Prankster Hilarious Prankster
GREENPEACE LIVID GREENPEACE LIVID
Did Labour Leadership Candidates Smoke Dope? Did Labour Leadership Candidates Smoke Dope?
Another Andy Flip Flop Another Andy Flip Flop
Clegg Whores Himself Out Clegg Whores Himself Out
RETURN OF THE FRACKERS, CUADRILLA TO APPEAL RETURN OF THE FRACKERS, CUADRILLA TO APPEAL
FLASHBACK: TORY WHIP ON SCANDAL INVOLVING “SMALL BOYS” FLASHBACK: TORY WHIP ON SCANDAL INVOLVING “SMALL BOYS”
“Owen Jones is the 1%” “Owen Jones is the 1%”
Jedward Told to “F**k Off” By Indy Staff Jedward Told to “F**k Off” By Indy Staff
CLIMATE LOBBY DRAFT ARNIE CLIMATE LOBBY DRAFT ARNIE
MOD FORCED TO FIGHT RUSSIAN AGGRESSION… WITH TWEETDECK MOD FORCED TO FIGHT RUSSIAN AGGRESSION… WITH TWEETDECK
Mental Marxists: Tories Will Gas the Poor Mental Marxists: Tories Will Gas the Poor
MONEYBAGS BURNHAM TRAILS DESPITE SIX FIGURE FUNDING BONANZA MONEYBAGS BURNHAM TRAILS DESPITE SIX FIGURE FUNDING BONANZA
ROLL CALL OF LABOUR ‘MORONS’ ROLL CALL OF LABOUR ‘MORONS’