July 9th, 2014

SKETCH: Only Talking About Kids Makes Ed Look Grown Up

Consensual Ed. What’s that about? Again, he was picking a cross-party subject to consensualise on. It might from week to week be – Our Glorious Dead, They Died For Us. The Queen, God Bless Her. Those Evil Islamicists Are So Un-British.

This week it was Child Abuse Can’t Go On.

Good choice. It let Ed make his Who Will Speak For the Children? face. It stopped Cameron backing him into a corner and bashing his face in. And talking about children made him look more grown-up. Triple win.

And true, very few of us publicly support child abuse any more. But what a can of worms it will prove to be as the inquiry enquires. Cameron itemised the institutions that will need to be purged. The Church. The BBC. The NHS. Parliament. We haven’t really started to include the Police, the Judiciary, social services, aid workers, teachers, or one-parent families. Still, it’s a good step on the way for a society bent on consuming itself.

Back to Ed, consensualising. Voters tuning in would be thinking, “I like how non-partisan the Leader of the Opposition is. He is well capable of reasoned discussion, isn’t he? Thank heaven someone’s above petty politics. If only the Prime Minister were so mature. But, tell me, what’s that his is face doing? Aren’t there drugs to stop that?”

Having nailed the politics-weary, One Nation swing voter, Ed felt he needed to shore up his Tory-hating back benches and launched a railing reprise of the NHS waiting times statistics. He had proof in his hand that Cameron needed to “correct the record”. Things he’d said last week weren’t the case, and the House of Commons Library agreed.

Cameron read out the waiting times in detail. Compared with Labour – down, down, down, down. But what about waiting times in A&E? Half. Was 77 minute average, now 35. Down, down, down went Labour’s collective head. Ed wondered if he should have stuck to child abuse.

Tories rocked out, Labour trailed despondently. They really are thinking, “What happens if we win?”

PS: Speaker Watch. Disappointingly, Bad Bercow is leashed and kennelled. The Speaker is in a flight plan to May of next year when his re-election comes up.
He isn’t joining in the debate with his pirouettes, curtseys and Brucie-in-a-tutu routines. His calling is crisp and professional. He spits far fewer tacks at the Tories and laps at Labour hardly at all. He knows just how far he can go. His treatment of Chris Bryant’s accusation of a conspiracy to mislead the House was treated with indulgence, and heard without interruption from himself (many cries of Order! from Tories). Bryant is, famously, the Speaker’s Pet. And maybe they both got away with their public display of affection.


  1. 1
    Mr Anonymous says:

    “Ed’s ‘who will speak for the children?’ Face”

    Brilliant description, and spot on!


    • 7
      TJ says:

      Like the vicar’s wife in the Simpsons, “Won’t somebody think of the children” screech whilst holding her head in her hands in the manner of a Munch painting.


    • 22
      Bacon Bun Nayshon says:

      Labour politicans already have a track record for being found guilty of fiddling in parliament.

      Looking forward to the apology, Little Ed.


  2. 2
    David says:

    Little bro will always be a kid


  3. 4
    Calamity Clegg, Chief Cockroach says:


    • 6
      Civil Savant says:

      I’ve got a feeling your comment isn’t going to last very long mostly because Leon Brittan hasn’t been accused, charged or convicted of anything, though he has been questioned by the Police about having touched someone’s knee, or smashed her back doors in, one or the other I can’t remember, back in 1867.


      • 9
        Norm Normal says:

        Who is it suggesting these things about Lord Brittan and where is the evidence? Not seen anything conclusive myself yet?


        • 13
          Immer Wieder says:

          It seems there’s a whole subculture constituted of self-appointed noncefinder generals, with all the grasp on reality and convictions afforded to a David Icke believer.


  4. 5
    Wondering whether this is a tip-off says:

    “And maybe they both got away with their public display of affection.”

    Is that a tip of the nod of the wink of the nudge that there is something more to it?


  5. 8
    Mrs Balls says:

    Ed looks so much more credible when shouting from the back of a bandwagon.
    Much easier for him to assimilate some gravitas from an emotive story, than having to work on having his own election winning persona.


  6. 11
    Anonymous says:

    What is it about Nigel Evans and choppers?


    • 16
      Puzzled says:

      Is this Evans guy a favourite of Bercows too? I know that Evans was Deputy Speaker, but does that give him preference over other MP’s? Does touching up men automatically find you favour with Little John?


  7. 12

    Must be a cloth touching time for many of the old pervs.


  8. 14
    DWWolds says:

    Trouble was when Milliminor moved to the health service DC squashed him flat.


  9. 17
    Penfold says:

    Hattie was very quiet on that issue.
    Lots of questions for her to answer when at Liberty’s previous incarnation.
    Let’s also hope that those that provided PIE with public funding are also outed.


  10. 19
    Check facts first says:

    Don`t know about everyone else but I am getting very weary of these continual inquiries. When asked of those pushing for another round of inquiries into historic sex allegations they cannot come up with one substantive allegation. No doubt however the many self appointed support groups, charities, help lines, self professed experts, celebrities, compo lawyers, police squads, CPS staff, journalists and politicians will keep it all going as long as they can. After all, their livelihoods depend on it. I don`t have any problem with the guilty being found out but how many more totally innocent people are these zealots going to trash this time round. They really ought to give more thought and consideration to what they say and do.


    • 20

      When the real child abuse by muslim gangs was brought to light these were the same experts ,social workers, and journalists who went out of their way to demonise Nick Griffin who first brought it to the attention of the public.


    • 23
      Little Ed says:

      Under this government, there has been a 300 % increase in the number of inquiries I have had to ask for.

      I demand that this government launches an investigation in to how many millions of tax payers money is being wasted here. Money that could be better wasted by a Labour government on waterproof filing cabinets.


  11. 24

    I’d a gotten away with it, if it hadn’t of been for those pesky kids.

    (And a free press).


  12. 25
    Frank Beck says:

    Google me if you dare
    I have friends in high placed


  13. 28
    The tit buggering up your country from no. 10 says:

    Some of you may have seen it suggested that there should be a wide-ranging inquiry into child abuse in various institutions, including religious organisations.
    Obviously this cannot be allowed to happen as that would have to include investigating practising members of the religion of piss.


  14. 29
    Desperate Dan says:

    Top notch sketch. Thank you Mr Carr.


  15. 31
    Lord Mandelscum says:

    So the Dwarf is in bed with Underpants. A marginal improvement on Sally, I suppose.


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