SKETCH: Ed’ Speech, Written by a Policy Poppet Intern

The speech Ed Miliband has just given to the Policy Network wasn’t a speech, it was a brief for a speech.

An intern, a 27-year-old policy poppet would have written a series of notes for the Leader:

We need to support a culture of long-termism. How do we say that in human?

It’s about people. People being the most important asset. Is there a way of saying that that isn’t fifty years old?

We need to celebrate business. Obviously we can’t just say that.

And in the interests of long-termism, we also need a new approach to infrastructure. How are we going to say that so people actually register we’ve said something?

An independent National Infrastructure Commission. Is that a big committee? We’re really going for that?

As important as the Energy Price Freeze are the series of long-term reforms in our Energy Green Paper, on which the industry is currently engaging with us. There must be something in here. Isn’t there? Or isn’t there?

How about a personal statement to make people think you would be a Prime Minister who champions the rights of the consumer and the rights of businesses to succeed and make profits in a competitive market at the same time. How should we approach getting that across?

Did that intern say, when all these talking points were lumped wholesale into the text – This thing about “high-quality, high-paying jobs” for everyone? What about the vast majority of jobs that aren’t high-paying? You know how we’re always running down shelf-stackers and Mcdonald’s workers? Why don’t we say I Want My Son To Be A Plumber? Why don’t we say, “And now I think of it, small businesses don’t want ‘celebrating’, nor do they want some Rubik-cubing, splay-toothed, hand-flapping humanoid saying he’s going to reform Local Enterprise Partnerships to show he understands.” In fact, say something really popular like I Resign. Because I certainly am. I’m going to join UKIP.

PS: The two applause lines were 1) No to an EU referendum and 2) Yes to mass immigration. Quite the representative audience, then.



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Liam Fox shreds Cameron’s Calais scaremongering:

“Sad and disappointed to see our Prime Minister stoop to this level of scaremongering, especially as he knows the Calais agreement is nothing to do with the EU and agreed between the two govts”

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