July 3rd, 2014

SKETCH: Ed’ Speech, Written by a Policy Poppet Intern

The speech Ed Miliband has just given to the Policy Network wasn’t a speech, it was a brief for a speech.

An intern, a 27-year-old policy poppet would have written a series of notes for the Leader:

We need to support a culture of long-termism. How do we say that in human?

It’s about people. People being the most important asset. Is there a way of saying that that isn’t fifty years old?

We need to celebrate business. Obviously we can’t just say that.

And in the interests of long-termism, we also need a new approach to infrastructure. How are we going to say that so people actually register we’ve said something?

An independent National Infrastructure Commission. Is that a big committee? We’re really going for that?

As important as the Energy Price Freeze are the series of long-term reforms in our Energy Green Paper, on which the industry is currently engaging with us. There must be something in here. Isn’t there? Or isn’t there?

How about a personal statement to make people think you would be a Prime Minister who champions the rights of the consumer and the rights of businesses to succeed and make profits in a competitive market at the same time. How should we approach getting that across?

Did that intern say, when all these talking points were lumped wholesale into the text – This thing about “high-quality, high-paying jobs” for everyone? What about the vast majority of jobs that aren’t high-paying? You know how we’re always running down shelf-stackers and Mcdonald’s workers? Why don’t we say I Want My Son To Be A Plumber? Why don’t we say, “And now I think of it, small businesses don’t want ‘celebrating’, nor do they want some Rubik-cubing, splay-toothed, hand-flapping humanoid saying he’s going to reform Local Enterprise Partnerships to show he understands.” In fact, say something really popular like I Resign. Because I certainly am. I’m going to join UKIP.

PS: The two applause lines were 1) No to an EU referendum and 2) Yes to mass immigration. Quite the representative audience, then.


112 Comments

  1. 1
    David Axlegrease says:

    The dead hand is a dead loss.

  2. 2
    Sunny Jim says:

    Miliband’s a class 1 muppet. The more he tries, the further into the $h1t he goes…

  3. 3
    táxpáyér says:

    We need a long term policy for ephemeral things!

    Maybe they should get a policy that is term-neutral so the market can get it right for them?

  4. 4
    Mark Oaten (LibDem) says:

    Where is he ???

  5. 5
    Vote Dave? Get stuffed says:

    There really is something badly wrong with the Tories if they can’t beat this lot.

  6. 6
    Mrs. Ball-Scooper, TRIPLE FLIPPER says:

  7. 7
    David Axlegrease says:

    THE DESPERATIONS IS PALPABLE.

  8. 8
    Postal Voter says:

    Record numbers of imported voters ?

  9. 9
    Ed is a joke a bad one at that says:

    The problem Ed has is…Ed.
    He is a nobody a useless waste of space who had the fortune/misfortune to pop out his dads dick and then proceed to climb up a greasy pole.
    That is it.
    That is Ed Miliband no better than a born to rule Bullingdon boy.
    Worse in fact because Ed is trying to sell fucking socialism from an ivory tower with a silver spoon sticking out his arse.

  10. 10
    Bill Quango MP says:

    Any news on when we can expect our owls?

  11. 11
    Jen The Blue says:

    There is. They are pro-EU and big state just like labour.

  12. 12
    Owen Jones says:

    I’m praying my Owl includes an invitation to attend Hogwarts School.

  13. 13
    Viperous Old Vince says:

  14. 14
    Jen The Blue says:

    Yep, fair comment.

  15. 15
    Bill Quango MP says:

    just been reading some data about the last french elections.

    1. Public sector workers vote 9:1 in favour socialism
    2. Muslims vote 9:1 in favour of socialism
    3. Parisians are more socialist than most of the rest of France
    4. Areas that were heavily socialist but have had unlimited immigration, such as Marseille, have gone the French equivalent of UKIP.

    Hmmm…

  16. 16
    David Minibanana says:

    Harsh. But fair.

  17. 17
    Horny Thologist says:

    Owls will be funded when the chickens come home to roost. The current upward blip in the economy may prove that one swallow doth not a summer make–anyway, right now we only have Turkeys on hand–would you accept an Eagle as a temporary measure?

  18. 18
    Diana Abbott says:

    Long terimism what muddafucker?
    I and I people don’t tink beyond today ar see beyond de nex city block.
    Live for today and leave dem business ting to de honkey an Asian man far worry abowt.
    Peace an respect.

  19. 19
    Dan Speyer says:

    I know I should try and listen to at least five minutes of an Ed Milliband speech, just in case there is some Labour policy in there worth supporting.

    But fuck me, I just can’t listen to the morose twat for more than five seconds.

    He clearly doesn’t believe what he is saying. So why should I??

  20. 20
    BERCOW is Parliament's SHOneT says:

    No to referendum on the grounds that it would cause uncertainty – which we have a surfeit of thanks to recent Labour announcements. Or dearth thereof with any substance

  21. 21
    BuzzFeed says:

  22. 22
    M says:

    Perhaps Ed & labour would be better making speeches & policy on tour with theory python road show .
    Then they wouldn’t seem hilariously ridiculous .

    Monty python that is

  23. 23
    ZZZ says:

    It’s anti-semitic to criticise Milliband.
    Anyone who criticises Milliband is a Neo-nasty and a hollowcost denier.

  24. 24
    Paxo says:

    I’m still waiting for someone in the middle of a ‘grown up debate’ about Ed Milibands prospects to burst out laughing and say,
    “who are we all kidding the blokes a fucking dick”
    At which point everyone else joins in laughing and agrees.

  25. 25
    One long-term ephermal policy coming up (and it ticks all the right jingo boxes) says:

    A long-term policy for engaging with multicultural communities and celebrating diversity in Summer 2014.

  26. 26
    Guido pack running? says:

  27. 27
    David Axlegrease says:

    In fairness, Ed does spout a load of bollocks.

  28. 28
    Mycroft says:

    Deeply and uncomfortably true.

    The deep yearning that is subsumed deep into the mind of every ‘intellectual lefty’ is for them to be not only a leader of ‘change’ but a leader of ‘the people’ and a leader ‘intellectually’… those 3 strands are their essential DNA.

    Problem is:-
    Every chance they’ve had to instigate ‘change’ they’ve left office with the Country impoverished and down in the dumps.

    Every chance they get they distance themselves from ‘the people’ on education, wealth acquisition and even down to selective ‘meet the people’ speeches.

    Every chance they get to appear as intellectual they come off as being people who can only repeat a given text or idea by rote. A parrot with a decent vocabulary would do just as well.

    I applaud their shattering stupidity in not recognising their own failings, we all do, we can safely and cheerfully take the p’ss.

    Safely because the failings are stark and self-evident to all but them and cheerfully because they can’t do a thing about it and like a clown that falls over his own flat feet or gets a custard pie in the face, it is an occasion for joy and entertainment.

    But I find clowns sinister and the political clown that is spaccer-ed is just as sinister as any of them.

    The other bright side is that spaz-cam is also a clown, different ‘act’ but a clown none the less.

    The HoP is now in may ways the “Cirque des Sombres Desseins”… sinister clowns infest the place.

  29. 29
    Sitting in his £2million mansion paid for by you, Ed Miliband says:

    Cotht of living cwythith!

  30. 30
  31. 31
    Eds Nuts says:

    Did he apologise for his stats fuckup yet at PMQS

  32. 32
    The Critic says:

    We can……if only we knew how. How close to business is someone who is reported as follows by the New Statesman:

    ‘ Miliband will vow to address inequality through a combination of redistribution – the 50p tax rate, a mansion tax, a bank bonus tax, a major crackdown on tax avoidance (a subject which I’m told he will soon address in detail), the repeal of the bedroom tax, a less punitive benefit cap – and predistribution (seeking to create more equal outcomes before the government collects taxes and pays out benefits) – universal childcare, a mass housebuilding programme, the energy price freeze, a higher minimum wage, greater use of the living wage and worker representation on remuneration committees.’

    He will need to fund that from somewhere tax and borrow anyone? How will the state not interfere in ‘pre-distribution’ ? How will giving councils business rates to squander help business?

    Prize C’unt.

  33. 33
    Cwispy pants Bwyant says:

  34. 34
    The electorate says:

    I’d certainly do him in.

  35. 35
    Ed Miliband says:

    Eeh when I was lad I had to choose between cornflakes rice crispies or cocopops for breakfast.
    Kids today don’t even know they’re born.

  36. 36
    Sitting in his £2million mansion paid for by you, Ed Miliband says:

    Thith ith dithgwaythful! I am a theriouth and wethpected politithian!

  37. 37
    Ted Milibland says:

    Monty Python is sensible and serious in comparison.

  38. 38
  39. 39
    The ghost from elm guest house says:

    you will all have to talk about me eventually

  40. 40
    Chuka Umunna says:

    Waiter, I’ll have some Wichita Sauce in my tomato juice.

  41. 41

    That’s all very well and good young man but I still want to know

    WHERE’S MY FUCKING OWL !!!

  42. 42
    That's progress says:

    Ed, before today, and not in a friendly way – “the bankers, the bankers, the bankers, the bankers, the bankers, the bankers, the bankers, the bankers, the bankers, the bankers, the bankers, the bankers,the bankers”.

    Ed, today – “I welcome the openness to change that we see from leading figures in British banking.”

    And while I’m on

    Ed, today – “Instead we must act now to reform the European Union to make it work for Britain. That means working with our allies to reform the things that aren’t right.”

    And you didn’t do this during the thirteen year reign of terror because….?

  43. 43
    Bosun Higgs says:

    +++STRAW MAN ALERT++++STRAW MAN ALERT+++STRAW MAN ALERT+++

  44. 44
    A public sector worker says:

    No!

    I was promised retirement at 59 on full, index-linked pension, with a golden goodbye,. Harold Wilson promised me that in 1966 and he was a man of his word.

    So I want my super pension, and me fucking owl

  45. 45
    writeon says:

    The reason many vote Labour is because of it’s profligacy on steroids. They want something for nothing and that is what Labour gives them to buy their vote.
    Can anybody really believe that Labour can be other than totally spendthrift? The ill thought our projects that deliver nothing of value for the public are what comes first.
    Labour doesn’t give two hoots for how much future debt it dumps onto the declining workforce that is our future due to ageing demographics.

    Labour is the party that chose to use the Enron technique of putting future liabilities off-balance sheet so it could totally ignore the problem of ageing demographics.

    Does anybody really believe anti-business Labour will ever produce workable plans to grow the UK economy? I mean the private sector and not to create a booming public sector which is unaffordable.
    That will have no appeal to their gimme gimme voters.

  46. 46

    Tell you what this Ed muppet is just never gonna survive the first week of an election campaign let alone 3 . He is a complete utter twat.

    Good help us all

  47. 47

    Yeah like what happened to

    To far to fast
    Triple dip
    Millions out of work due to Tories
    On nashun
    Cost of living crisis.

    Labour total nut jobs they are

  48. 48
    Neil Down says:

    “PS: The two applause lines were 1) No to an EU referendum and 2) Yes to mass immigration. Quite the representative audience, then.”

    I think treasonous upper class filth covers it nicely.

  49. 49
    A public sector worker says:

    And we want a massive pay rise..Massive! To make up for the stingy Tory ones.
    At least 20% we want or we’ll strike the fuck out of the little shit!

  50. 50
    Huh? says:

    You’re going to vote Monster Raving Loony, then?

  51. 51

    Red Ed
    ” we can win a Thafe theat in Worcester ”

    Chuka up

    I think you mean we can win a safe seat in Wothter”

  52. 52
    Engineer says:

    Miliband’s problem is that he gives the impression that he thinks he’s still at Uni, trying for a good grade in his PPE exams and saying things to impress his ivory-tower-dwelling lefty tutors.

    Meanwhile, the rest of us want someone to govern the country.

  53. 53

    Yeah he does
    In front of a train or a hosepipe through the car window

  54. 54
    Seen on the DM website says:

    Is your hairy plughole the reason you are single?

  55. 55

    Two Eds are better than one. But not on the same shoulders.

    Neither Ed can agree to anything without the other’s buy-in. That is why they are failing. Oh! As well as being a policy free area, as well as being barely human, as well as putting style before substance, as well as failing to recognise that they messed up before…

    From Waberthwaite to Wouldham (including Wichita):

    Vote UKIP :-D

  56. 56
    Elsie Beattie (83 and a quarter) says:

    Have you checked your drawers recently, dear? Sometimes it’s hard to tell.

  57. 57
    A Man From Slough says:

    Whenever I listen to Chuckles Miliband or any of the other clowns I recall what Mencken said:

    The government consists of a gang of men exactly like you and me. They have, taking one with another, no special talent for the business of government; they have only a talent for getting and holding office. Their principal device to that end is to search out groups who pant and pine for something they can’t get and to promise to give it to them. Nine times out of ten that promise is worth nothing. The tenth time is made good by looting A to satisfy B. In other words, government is a broker in pillage, and every election is sort of an advance auction sale of stolen goods.

  58. 58
    inside out says:

    The media run in packs because they can all see what a calamity this bloke is.They want to say “I told you so “,when it all turns to rat shit as it will.

  59. 59
    Engineer says:

    Plughole shaving? There’s probably an app for that.

  60. 60
    Harriet "Doublethink" Harmsem says:

    Ed was right to support consumers’ rights, and right to support businesses ripping ‘em off.

    p.s.
    To those who say I should master single think before doubling up, I can only say “<meaningless empty slogan>”

  61. 61
    Jack Strawman says:

    Wuzzup?

    Someone need their face grinding in more diversity?

  62. 62
    A Man From Slough says:

    With respect, Sir, I would rather have King Log in charge any day.

  63. 63
    Rob says:

    I would pass a law to ban holders of PPE degrees from any political office at any level in the UK.

  64. 64
    ReTweet says:

  65. 65
    Mycroft says:

    There are other, more viable, alternatives I can think of than the two main parties who seem to have occupied left by the demise of the Loony Party.

  66. 66
    The Nuclash says:

    We’re a Farage Band
    ah ah ah
    we come from Farage land
    ah ah ah

  67. 67
    Infamy says:

  68. 68
    Owen Jones says:

    New balls please!

  69. 69
    Jimmy says:

    “It’s about people. People being the most important asset. Is there a way of saying that that isn’t fifty years old?”

    Big Society?

  70. 70
    Will says:

    A improvement inthe economy is when you get a job, an upturn is when your neighbour gets a job. A booming economy is when ed miliband loses his job !!

  71. 71
    tony bliar esquire says:

    Can I come back!! I can win the next election, and solve the Middle East, and cure all know diseases, and stop all wars. Please I can do it, please!!

    Im not mad do you hear, Im not mad!!

  72. 72
    Jock says:

    Politicians can disguise being hopeless and overcome it, for long enough to get voted in for a period. Many have.

    It is much more difficult to overcome being hapless. Few politicians have overcome that.

    Ed is both hopeless and hapless. So hapless that he draws attention to his hopelessness. He could lose an election to against an empty chair.

  73. 73
    You MUST read this says:

  74. 74
    Thicko Fant says:

    Masterful.

  75. 75
    táxpáyér says:

    Mansion tax and a repeal of the spare bedroom subsidy.

    Consistency is the hobgoblin of great minds. muBand is not a great mind.

  76. 76
    Anonymous says:

    Followed by how to nail jelly to the ceiling

  77. 77
    Anon. says:

    #Derp

  78. 78
    Jim, Max, Rolf says:

    Can we apply to Googal to be forgotten?

  79. 79
    GF says:

  80. 80
    Anonymous says:

    Surely you mean ‘there is something badly wrong with the electorate if they vote in this lot rather than the Tories’?

  81. 81
    Every Householder on Planet Earth, and beyond.. says:

    What about us?

  82. 82
    wrinkled weasel says:

    Got it dead right.

  83. 83

    9:1?

    There must be something seriously wrong with 10% of the population…

  84. 84
    Goggle Spokesbot says:

    StreetSpyⓇ is a seperate issue. Because you are feeling vulnerable at this moment in time, E, we’ve taken the liberty of pixellating your park bench.

    The GoggleⓇ Team

  85. 85
    stun() says:

    Lefty tosser.

  86. 86
    Anon says:

    ….1958, hot toast, beef dripping, salt and pepper, strong tea, off to school, mid morning milk, and then school dinner, 5 shillings per week, home for tea, but we moved about a lot,burning it off,walking miles!

  87. 87
    Village Idiot says:

    …Some of our most important history happened around Worcester, and, he shows a complete lack of knowledge of any of it?

  88. 88
    Owen's Remedial Maths teacher says:

    No, the 10% are the sensible ones.
    Read it again.

  89. 89
  90. 90
    Jimmy says:

    Voters somehow convince themselves that tories only hurt the people because they love them. Sometimes they persuade themselves that it’s their fault, that they must have done something to make them angry. Even after finally plucking up the courage to kick them out after years of abuse a little bit of smooth talking and promises of detoxification wer enough to get them another chance. We have to learn the hard way that deep down, they never really change.

  91. 91
    JH26213-454635 says:

    I know. He can get away with the airy, contemplative, non-specific shite for only so long.

    An election campaign will destroy him though. The press will be merciless, and the left will be too furious with him for hurting the dear cause to care. It’s going to be a these-strikes-are-wrong-fuckup fest 24/7.

  92. 92
    Lady Hamilton's Pussy says:

    The best way for Militit to bring prosperity is to lose the next election and F*ck off.

  93. 93
    Anonymous says:

    Why throw more money at British business? it is a total whingeing failure.

  94. 94
    Taxpayer says:

    Who? The poor? Tell me about it. Over and over again they vote Labour and remain in a perpetual state of poverty.

  95. 95

    Who wrote the slabs that Gordon Brown had to grumble through? A donkey?

  96. 96
    nell says:

    Ah time to get the dross out of the way before the next election. Of course in the case of the libdems – they all app e a r to be dross – so not much hope there!!

  97. 97
    nell says:

    Lord knows what labour is going to do about militwit in 2015. May I suggest that they produce posters with yvette. hatty harpic and bullyballs and ignore militwit . Maybe that will win them some votes!!

  98. 98
    nell says:

    Exactly! A donkey named gordonbrown!

  99. 99
    ned ludd says:

    I would love you to be right, but this is too important to be told. and besides, we’re all going on a summer holiday.

  100. 100
    Red Collared Nightmare says:

    It’s a race between arrogance and idiocy, so far idiocy is three points ahead in the polls .

  101. 101

    Slithereen House, obviously

  102. 102
    NE Frontiersman says:

    A politician with a PPE degree is like a broadcaster with a Media Studies degree; qualified to talk about the subject, not to do it.

  103. 103
    Red Ed Milibandwaggon says:

    We (I mean I) need some new mantras’

  104. 104
    Suicide Watch says:

    Some SPAD without real experience has told Ed that putting passion into the speech will overcome the inherent weaknesses and falsehoods in the text.
    Unfortunately watching him makes you realise he has a mouth that moves directly opposite to how it should; so the Wallace and Grommet image reappears and entrances.

  105. 105
    There really is something badly wrong with the Tories, says:

    full stop.

  106. 106
    A Running Dog says:

    Yes, they are running in packs just like when they had it in for Gordon Brown. The right-wing press will have it in for Ed Miliband because they don’t want Labour back in power, whilst the Guardian, the Independent, C4, and – most especially and important of all – the BBC, will have it in for Ed Miliband because they do want Labour back in power and they’re afraid he can’t win the election.

  107. 107
    Fred the pensioner says:

    Indeed, but in those days mummy and/or daddy didn’t have a 4×4 in the dr*veway so it was either Shanks’s pony or the old boneshaker bicycle.

    Those were the days!

    PS You will also recall that those of us fortunate enough to have been born between say 1940 and 1950 got a damn good education (and then along came witch Williams and fucked it up for everybody following on behind us).

  108. 108
    Fred the pensioner says:

    Follow the money …..

  109. 109
    It's a long way to tip a hairy says:

    Implanted foreigners have difficulty with a great many of our words and their pronunciations.

    Correct usage of such should be a sine qua non of British citizenship award for any free-loading incomers (like him).

  110. 110
    MrNedward says:

    You would think that with all the mass immigration that labour would be able to find a translator who could translate labour language into normal human english language.

    The problem is, when it is translated, it is nothing more than a lot more of the same failed lefty corporatism that Blair, Brown wrecked the country with. So they have to use increasingly tortured language to try to hide it.

  111. 111
    RWG says:

    Oh, we used to DREAM about having breakfast…

  112. 112
    madasafish says:

    The Tories love the rich and make them richer.

    Labour loves the poor and makes them poorer.

    The LibDems ? Love themselves.


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