July 1st, 2014

Senior Gov Source: Lansley Out of EU Race

Andrew Lansley was working the terrace hard yesterday evening, hobnobbing with Tory backbenchers and cabinet ministers alike at the IoD summer party, and really pressing the flesh. Observing the situation from the sidelines a senior government source whispered to Guido that the Leader of the House “doesn’t have a cat in hells chance” of being the UK’s next EU Commissioner. When Guido questioned the veracity of such a claim, the confident reply came “trust me, it’s never going to happen. He thinks it will, but I can assure you it won’t.” Could it be Whitehall bluster, or a diversionary tactic? Or is Lanners really out of the race? We report, you decide…


94 Comments

  1. 1
    Ed Miliband says:

    Firtht!

  2. 2
    Bliar says:

    It would be me but I can’t afford to accept.

  3. 3
    Ohthisbloodypc says:

    I don’t know

    How many SpAds does it take to brief against a lightbulb?

    What I want to know is…. who won the Ed Miliband competition? I fancy a bacon sandwich. And that’s not a euphemism

  4. 4
    PK says:

    Mitchell.

  5. 5
    Toxic Labour for Spongers, Scroungers, Parasites, Criminals, Layabouts & other Wasters says:

    Would that be over a cliff after the next election?

  6. 6
    Dee says:

    Nor can I as I’d lose me benefits.

  7. 7
  8. 8
    Harriet Harman says:

    can’t do it , sorry, Rolf and friends need some P.I.E.

  9. 9
    Mr Justic Sweeney says:

    Your sentence, Mr Harris – can you guess what it is yet?

  10. 10
    Tim Yeo says:

    What’s the money like?

  11. 11
    absolutelypassionate says:


    “Mitchell”

    A man in search of a sinecure.

  12. 12
    Jack Dromey (Mrs) says:

    Free the didgeridoo!

  13. 13
    Nicolas Sarkozy says:

    C’est un flic juste. Vous avez me cogne à l’homme.

  14. 14
    i want to know says:

    Are Hacked Off pleased that Rolf Harris used
    Leveson to cover up news of his arrest?

  15. 15
    Rolf Harris says:

    Sunbathing on a Caribbean beach?

  16. 16
  17. 17
    nell says:

    It’s an appointment to the eu!! – I really can’t find any interest or generate any enthusiasm for such a post – don’t appoint anyone to this dead end job and save us all some money. Whether there’s someone in this job or not will make absolutely no difference to us at all.

  18. 18
    nell says:

    Yes and also very cross that the whole thing got exposed in the end. Hacked off are all about covering up the crimes , misconduct and scandals of celebrities.

  19. 19
    Iain Duncan Smith says:

    I am me and I claim my £39.00 breakfast.

  20. 20
    nell says:

    And if they don’t give it to him who are they going to give it to? I do hope it’s not timyeo!!

    Of course it might be andrewmitchell I’m sure he’d argue he’s owed a favour after the way he was treated.

  21. 21
    Ed Miliband says:

    I need some vaseline, Len’s hand is really quite big as he shoved it up my arse and is operating me as his weird dork puppet

  22. 22
    Rahul Bannerjee, Sage of Wembley says:

    Good news.

    The EU Commission has become a graveyard for failed political careers, it should be the home of rejects, misfits and other sorry stories.

  23. 23
    Which ones Gove? says:

  24. 24
    Kipper Too says:

    How much does the EU Commissioner plus staff, offices and expenses cost the UK taxpayers every year?

    WTF does the Commissioner achieve for us? Fuck all — like Dave’s anti Junket fiasco.

  25. 25
    well says:

    Lots of Hacked Off supporters are BBC stalwarts.
    Just like Harris, Savile and Stuart Hall.

  26. 26
    i agree says:

    Me neither.
    Just unshackle us from the EU chains.

  27. 27
    Ockham's Razor says:

    We decide nothing.

    Until May 2015.

  28. 28
    Kipper Too says:

    We’ve already got the House of Lords as a rest home for geriatric failed politicians.

    We don’t need to pay for a fucking EU Commission as well to serve the same purpose.

    Old politicians should be sent to the knackers yard, slaughtered and made into bone meal and soap.

  29. 29
    Angela, Frankie, Jean-Claude Junket says:

    You won’t decide anything significant then either if the stupid fucking public vote for more ConLibLabbing of whatever variety

  30. 30
    Esther's Helpful Discharge says:

    If Lansley wants to go to Europe, he should be delivered by the Royal Air Force from, say, 35000 feet. Spread himself about, so to speak.

  31. 31
    Anonymous says:

    Was Maude there?

  32. 32
  33. 33
    Tap to speak. says:

    so which senior good morning kath sauce would that be?

  34. 34
    Thom says:

    It’ll be Clegg.

  35. 35
    Dear CPS says:

    Please don’t let the next one be Cliff.

  36. 36
    Nick von Clegg says:

    Me me me me me me me meoooh please let it be meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

  37. 37
    Ockham's Razor says:

    Vote UKIP :-D

  38. 38
    Jean Claude Junker, apart from Fuck You! says:

    Send who you like, the answer is still no (or as we like to put it, NON!)
    Tee hee.

  39. 39
    Rolf says:

    Freedom of the press is essential to the preservation of a democracy.

  40. 40
    visibly shaken says:

    I reckon my MP, Mitchel will be the next commissioner and the portfolio will be a significant one like.

    Climate Action; or
    Humanitarian Aid

    ROFL

  41. 41
    Casual Observer 2 says:

    FFS Zeus get the fucker with a lightning bolt, alternatively let the new Caliph’s mozzie zealots dismember him slowly and painfully.

  42. 42
    Jean Claude Drunkard says:

    I don’t care who you send as long as they’re a pisshead.

  43. 43
    Is your wallaby big in this? says:

    Why, have you got it stuck up some orifice?

  44. 44
    George Galloway says:

    “Hamas is responsible — Hamas will pay,” Owen Jones

  45. 45
    The Vicar of Albion says:

    She’s off again ffs.

  46. 46

    Lansley is a poor bloke if he thinks that he has a chance of the job…

  47. 47
    Vlad the Loudhailer says:

    All politicians should have to find themselves another job when their electoral term is up, just like the rest of us. They choose to become MPs and they know it could be a short term contract when they take the job.

  48. 48
    WoRaft Chihuahua says:

    Dave wants somewhere to stick Ken Clarke, and he has always lurved the EU.

  49. 49
    Is your wallaby big in this? says:

    But you get to ban plastic bags at supermarkets. And we might let you insist in plain packaging for tobacco. But ve runn zer show now, und zer are things to do, invade Russia!

  50. 50
    Calamity Clegg, Chief Cockroach says:

    It should be a Liberal Democrat. Someone with gravitas, a well-respected political heavyweight, a glad-hander, a schmoozer, a popular Statesman, a global giant.

    When do I start ?

  51. 51
    nell says:

    Is she? Where’s she going ?. Hope it somewhere with sunshine and beach!!

  52. 52
    The BBC are cunts says:

  53. 53
    Anonymous says:

    “the UK’s next EU Commissioner”
    could be a totally impartial Watson supercomputer. Which we would purchase with the refund monies, from all those failed IT projects illogical politicians can’t ever seem to get right.

  54. 54
    Mars Attacks says:

    Not worth taking a part time job anyway – IK out by 2020!

  55. 55
    Idon'tneednodoctor says:

    The BBC’s Jimmy Savile. Oh how the BBC distances itself from Savile.

  56. 56
    Mrs. Ball-Scooper, TRIPLE FLIPPER says:

  57. 57
    Dave says:

    Come out Andy!

  58. 58
    OLD CVNTS says:

    FUCK UKIP!

  59. 59
    Fred the pensioner says:

    I suggest we all vote for Ali Bababrun or the Hippo. Time we had a ‘coloured’ person in Europe to stand up for our interests.

  60. 60
    Fred the pensioner says:

    No. She’s still out in the garden!

  61. 61
    Fred the pensioner says:

    Now where’s that Vlad bloke when you need him?

  62. 62
    Bruce says:

    The Australian evening TV news programs are now reporting multiple new victims of rolfings that have gone unreported over the past 30 years. Plus the kiddie porn business.

    The man is a grub.

  63. 63
    We haven't forgotten you know says:

    Hows the enquiry into his overnight allowance claims going ? Have they established that he actually did stay overnight in those hotels which he claimed the allowance for despite having a home 10 minutes away ?

  64. 64
    Danny de la Rue says:

    Plastic and funny – no laughing matter.

  65. 65
    Mr R. Harris CBE AO, Dun Noncing, Bray, Berkshire says:

    None of this is funny, I could get banged up here. The lying little sheilas were fucking gagging for it…

  66. 66
    Charles Kennedy Esq. M.P. says:

    Och i the noo, or some similar scottish bollux.

    Get in the queue young pretender. It’s my turn first at the Europe Trough.

    I’m a much bigger pisshead than you, and I’m fed up with being in the gale swept midge infested shithole of Ross, skye and Lochaber.

  67. 67
    Another grub crawling out of the woodwork says:

    Where’s my compensation money? I’m sure I can remember something if I try hard enough. I was definitely either Savile or Harris.

  68. 68
    tax payer says:

    the EU Commissars are appointed?

    you mean we can’t vote for our UK Kommissar?

  69. 69
    Morgan's Organ says:

    Surely the only appropriately qualified candidate is the ‘lump of lard’ that was used by HAVE I GOT NEWS FOR YOU to replace Roy Hattersley.

  70. 70
    Ockham's Razor says:
    
    
    
    
             Fuck LibLabCon!
    
    
    
    
    
    
  71. 71
    Anonymous says:

    Rose?

  72. 72
    John Bellingham says:

    Five years is a much longer guarantee of work than anyone else gets.

    Is it one year? two years? before you are recognised as a permenent employee?
    And how many others live from contract to contract?

    MPs now know exactly when their term will be over and have plent of time to make other arrangements.

  73. 73
    Moi meme says:

    I’ll do the UK’s EU commissioner role, and for 15% less.

  74. 74
    Jimmy says:

    Let’s face it, spoonface’s nominee is getting the milk monitor portfolio so it hardly matters.

  75. 75
    Robert the Biker says:

    Perhaps the Izzys will slot you too and stick you in the same hole.

  76. 76
    Jean Claude Juncker says:

    No you certainly can’t and that’s who makes the laws in Brussels, the appointed commissioners, not the parliament. We want you well out of the way, peasant.

  77. 77
    Ken Clarke says:

    It will be me! My dream come true!

  78. 78
    Neil Down says:

    His party won 3 of the last 4 elections. If merely being a 70k MP on the opposition benches depresses him so much, I suggest another career.

  79. 79
    The Growler says:

    You don’t think that he could be challenged strongly by UKip in his constituency?

  80. 80
    Anonymous says:

    I know which one’s John Kerry…

  81. 81
    The Growler says:

    Does anyone that skit by Morecambe and Wise on that hit for Rolfy, Two Little Boys”, they weren’t hinting at anything by saying it from the Rolf Harris Dirty Song Book.

  82. 82
    The Growler says:

    No you can’t, you can claim £1, which should be enough for you

  83. 83
    Lost in Clacton says:

    Why are we bothering even sending people to EU positions when we are leaving.

    Seems a complete waste of time and money.

  84. 84
    Phil from pentonville says:

    You can tell Jake the Peg that it stunk in here like a zoo last night and that makes an Abo’s thong smell sweet.

    Why the Judge let him out last night after what he has been convicted of is enough to make you weep at the British justice system.

  85. 85
    EeeYepBlowing Whistles says:

    Very good point made there. Plus hacked off are essentially ‘fronted’ by a group of self-obsessed celebs – who invariably know little of or give a damn about the darker hidden agendas of the real string-pullers behind hacked off.

    As ever Celebs – allow themselves to be used by those with darker issues behind the scenes.

  86. 86
    A decent Bulgarian or Latvian or Pole or Rumanian says:

    I’ll do it for the living wage plus allowances.

  87. 87

    AN ASPIRING MOLDOVAN SAYS

    I ll do it four a beat up old dormobile I could sleep in plus three crusts of bread a day .

  88. 88

    A NAGORNO KARABAKIAN SAYS.

    forget the beat up dormobile I ll sleep in a doorway and do it for just the three crusts of bread !

  89. 89
    Lily Longdraws(Labour) says:

    That Chris Bryant would be an excellent commie.sorry, commissioner.
    He would be a wow on Youtube. Persil washes whiter.

  90. 90
    Insider says:

    Lansley fucked up the NHS, I am surprised Cameron didn’t want him to do the same thing to the EU commission

  91. 91
    Anonymous says:

    No, it’s the wrong part of Cambridgeshire. Djanogly and Vara on the other hand should be nervous, and the kippers will probably see Jackson fall to Labour.

  92. 92
    Anonymous says:

    Fuck you too then.

    Anyone remember the link for sending pizza to the IDF?

  93. 93
    Jolly Somali says:

    I’d do it for the chance to beat up the aspiring Moldovian and steal his crusts.

  94. 94
    Amateur Cynic says:

    It’s not a real job but a reward for failure or even a lucrative bribe to console an individual with no future in politics who has become an embarrassment to the UK.

    It’s made for CLEGG, just got to be!!


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