June 23rd, 2014

COMPETITION: Why Would You Want to Work for Ed Miliband?

While the Tories seem to prefer not to pay their interns, Ed Miliband is offering the ‘living wage’ – £8.80 an hour – to hire a “parliamentary apprentice”. Candidates are required to send a cover letter answering, in no more than than 250 words:

“what interests you about working for the Rt Hon Ed Miliband MP?”

Guido thought he would put the question to his readers, so leave your 250 word response (or there abouts) in the comments. The wittiest entry will win a bacon sandwich…

Pic via @generalboles.


  1. 1
    Owls are people too says:

    Dear Ed,

    My parents always taught me to learn from my mistakes, but I find it less problematic to learn from other people’s mistakes instead. At your side I could learn more in a week than I could in a lifetime of fucking things up myself.



    PS. You also have a nice perching arm.

  2. 2
    MJ says:

    Because I’m a medical student and think my ENT skills would improve greatly working out what to do about his voice.

  3. 3
    Tim Yeo-Yo says:

    As a committed young Labourite I have no interest in ever working outside of the Westminster bubble. When do I become a spad and where’s my parachute?

  4. 4
    wycombewanderer says:

    Is it a zero hours contract like Mr Balls offered me?

  5. 5
    Anonymous says:

    Because the payoff when he looses will be huge, not bad for 11 months work

  6. 6
    Off-White Dee {also known as Eggshell dee} says:

    “what interests you about working for the Rt Hon Ed Miliband MP?”

    what it is, right..is i ‘eard, right. That ed miliband, right..well..’e says ‘e wants to cut benefits to, like , poor people, right. Like , me, right? ‘coz i got 2 teenagers and they ain’t not in education, no not workin’ , nor them no doing no training and appretassships, not neither.

    So what it is , like, I want to work for ed, wassisname, so i can tell ‘im it ain’t gonna win much, like votes, from like, hardworkin’ people like, wot is me, an that.

  7. 7
    Jack the Ripper says:

    I am interested in working for xxxx and for the xxxx party because I want to see politics at the personal level.

  8. 8
    Norfolk's Finest says:

    Because I have a job lot of Nokias in the garage and they might as well be put to some use…

  9. 9
    Owen Jones says:

    Because I’ve never seen one without a foreskin before.

    Am I looking forward to standing next to him in the Gents.

  10. 10
    Bill de Burgh says:

    Slaving for a partially white man?
    Waaayyycist!!! Et cetera.
    (submitted on the basis that Diane Abbott is worryingly absent, ten posts in)

  11. 11
    Albert's chainsaw sharpeners says:

    Dear Ed
    I would like to apply for the vacancy for Parliamentary Apprentice as advertised, at the lousy rate of £8.80 an hour, my interest in doing the job is to be first in the scuffle when your “friends” decide they will not be at the trough if they let you carry on.

    Affectionately yours
    Albert’s chainsaw sharpeners a UKIP supporter.

  12. 12
    Leetee says:

    Dear Guido

    Please can you fix it for me to work for Mr Ed.

    What interests me about working for the Rt Hon Ed Miliband MP is the chance to evaluate at close range the persona of someone who has the charisma of a lettuce, the people skills of Atilla the hun, and the mannerisms of Mr Bean on grass.

    I believe this may assist me should I pursue a future career working at the Loony Bin for Clapped out Champagne Socialists (current resident: G Brown esq)

  13. 13
    Spotty Herbert says:

    Because I hate Ed Balls.

  14. 14
    assmaster says:

    I like House of Cards and the Thick of It, and I can’t think of anyone who can better teach me the dark arts and the manly steel to help me climb the greasy pole than Ed.

    Ed didn’t do much in government, which seems to be excellent training for future Ministers, like myself, and I was particularly impressed of the genius way he crafted union support for fratricide. Furthermore, Ed has taught me more about Labour democracy than anyone else will ever be able to. It doesn’t matter if your MPs, party members and others dont like you, just make friends with a couple of axe grinding northern socialists, and you’re guaranteed to get in.

    However, as a future parliamentarian, I believe I can learn the true art of politics, which is how to look dashing and fashionable, whilst being able to lead decisively. He looks great, all the time, with all the stress of life!

    PS I know westminster well and only want a bacon sandwich from a particular cafe.

  15. 15
    Bill Quango MP says:

    “what interests you about working for the Rt Hon Ed Miliband MP?”

    I am appreciative of his solitary and nocturnal persona. His upright stance, large, broad head, binocular vision and bin-aural hearing.
    And his near silent, yet deadly, killer instinct.

    He’s a natural bird of prey.

  16. 16
    a person says:

    I want to work for miliband as it would be like a moron safari, getting to see the morons up close in their natural environment, utterly fascinating.

  17. 17
    Denis says:

    So I could stop you winning the next General Election!

  18. 18
    Anonymous is a semi-literate moron says:

    It’s ‘lose,’ you idiot – and 11 months’ needs a possessive. I thought I’d comment since you take other posters to task for THEIR mistakes.

  19. 19
    Tim Yeo-Yo says:


  20. 20
    Bill Quango MP says:

    I would like to work for Mr Miliband because I don’t like my brother very much and would like to move him to another continent.

  21. 21
    Serf Grade 1 says:

    Does this job entail any actual work or will I be required to stand around aimlessly just looking intelligent whilst eating bacon sandwiches? I also have a very good throwing arm with Nokias my speciality and unlike Wayne droopy I can hit a barn door at six yards – guaranteed.

    I await my invitation to join your esteemed self in the Chamber.

  22. 22
    Ohthisbloodypc says:

    That is a very good question. It’s a question that my constitutents and hard working families are consistently asking me. And I tell them is this. I am listening to hard working families and they are asking me why I want to work for Ed MIliband. And I say this to them -in answer that question. I say that that is a very good question, and it’s one that hard working families are consistently asking me, on the streets, in the cafes and on the Twitternet.

    And I say this to them – with every fibre of my being and speaking from my socialist core. And I make no apologies for this, because this is a question I am very passionate about – Why would you want to work for Ed Miliband.

    That is what I say. And that is what I continue to say. It’s what I have always said.

  23. 23
    Nep 'o Tist says:

    Dear Ed,

    Please give me a job. My dad was a Labour MP and his dad before him.


    Karl Fabian Benn-Straw-Blair

  24. 24
    a nintern says:

    it was a less odious proposition than working for luciana hamberger

  25. 25
    scientio says:

    I’d like the job so I can collect data for my PhD thesis entitled “The hereditary principle in labour politics: How the son always rises”.

  26. 26
  27. 27
    Vaux T'laborr says:

    Dear Ed

    I would like to work for you because Mummy and Daddy said that if I want to get the nomination to a safe Labour seat I’d have to bloody well earn it rather than relying on his name, contacts and money.

    PS, i have 3 crates of champagne.

    Vaux T’laborr
    (Daddy said don’t use my real name, and he’ll see you at the shindig next week.)

  28. 28
    UK Gold viewer says:

    “Mr Milibean has been my favourite show for years. That one where Milibean tries to eat a bacon sandwich is classic. When the Rabbi comes into the cafe and Milibean stuffs the oozing butty into his pocket, his face is so funny. And later on when he dumps the sarnie, thinking no one has seen and Nick Robinson slips on it and crashes into Milibean and he falls face first into Kathy Newman’s tits. And Milibean shouts ‘Airbags! Airbags!”
    Love that one.

    I also like Wallace and Grommet.

  29. 29
    Jon Snow says:

    Good answer.

  30. 30
    B'stard says:

    Not much contact with women then?

  31. 31
    Andrew Neil says:

    Ok, but the question was .. why do YOU, want to work..for Ed Miliband?

  32. 32
    Idon'tneednodoctor says:

    World’s number one loser

    I would like to work for Ed Miliband so that I can be the world’s number two loser.

  33. 33
    suissebob says:

    “what interests you about working for the Rt Hon Ed Miliband MP?”

    Making Miliband electable would be the greatest challenge to a man in the history of mankind, nay, a sisyphean task to occupy ones days ’till the end of time, and still fail.

  34. 34
    Lost boy says:

    “what interests you about working for the Rt Hon Ed Miliband MP?”
    I have low self esteem and lack self confidence.
    My psychiatrist said try and be around people who have less skills, personality and charisma than yourself. It will help you overcome your inhibitions.

    So this job would be a great fit for me. Especially if I was in the same room with Rachel Reeves too.

  35. 35
    David Cameron says:

    I’d like to work for Ed as I really enjoy living on Downing Street and dread having to move out next May.

  36. 36
  37. 37
    Cyril Smith intern ad says:

    Young intern required to assist Cyril Smith MP. No need to be well groomed, as Mr Smith will groom you.

  38. 38
    jgm2 says:

    I want first pick of the owls.

  39. 39
    Morgan's Organ says:

    Always been a fan of Aardman Animations would relish studying their work more closely.

  40. 40
    john mackie says:

    Dear Mister Ed,

    I would like to cum and work for you because it would give me plenty of material I could use to write a book about one of the weirdest people to have ever managed to finagle his way to leading a political party in U.K.

    Also, and more importantly, I hope it would give me the opportunity to get introduced to Luciana Berger who i would dearly like to fuck. In the arse. Hard.

    Yours sincerely,

    John Mackie.

  41. 41
    I have the skills necessary says:

    I want to work for Ed because I am good at drinking beer and eating food, and feel i teaching him these skills would help him become a more rounded person capable of taking on the likes of Putin on the world stage.

  42. 42
    Webbed feet would be cool says:

    I would like to work for Ed Miliband so that I can find out where the Magic Money Tree is. And because I admire him, etc etc etc, whatever.

  43. 43
    Sally Barecow says:

    Don’t waste time with her Johnny.
    You KNOW I’m up for it!

  44. 44
    Alexander (the Great) says:

    Dear Ed,
    Nursey says that I can write to you before my medication time.
    I would like to work for you because you are the most important man in the whole, whole wide world (apart from the man who lives under of my bed).
    I like your decisiveness, your up-to-the-moment style, the way that you never put a foot wrong, and the way you always pull that gawky face. :)
    I also would like to work for you as Gordon, in the next bed, says that you put jobs in jeopardy, and I’ve never been to Jeopardy.
    Hugs and kisses,
    Alexander (the Great)

  45. 45
    James from Oxford says:

    Dear Ed

    I would like to be your apprentice because ……………..?

    I’ve tried and tried and tried some more and I still can’t think why I or anyone else would want to be your apprentice.


    Have you tried asking Owen Jones?

  46. 46
    Venal Vinny says:

    Dear Ed,

    I would love to work for you and as a white middle-class multi-millionaire with a taste for the high life and a loathing of hard work, I feel I could represent the workers just as well as you and be a valuable asset to your staff. I speak Arabic, Swahili and Urdu and used to have dreadlocks in my 20s when I was an up and coming trustafarian in my my gap yah.

    Look forward to hearing from you!

    Could you send me some details about second home swapping?

  47. 47
    Ed who? says:

    It would be great to work with the greatest nobody to have lived.

    Like working with the stars of Jeremy Kyle, you will know first hand that no matter how bad it gets, some one is still worse of than you.

  48. 48
    Gordon Brown says:

    Quit it Ed, you still work for me.

  49. 49
    Floatingvoter says:

    I have huge respect for a millionaire champagne socialist and I as am an ordinary working class man I can never aspire to be a great man like yourself. I would be at your beck and call night and day. I make great bacon sandwiches which as you know is the staple food of the peasants. I am a great believer in tax and spend as long as it’s other people’s money. I am very good at making stories up as I have a good imagination.
    When you employ me I would only need the minimum wage and I will donate the rest to MP’s expense accounts.
    Yours sincerely D. Milliband

  50. 50
    Tim Yeo-Yo says:

    He wouldn’t even touch the sides love.

  51. 51
    Anonymous says:

    I get off on noxious working relationships as espoused by Blair and Brown, I enjoy being in a working environment that has no connection to wider UK society. Please ED, let it be me!

  52. 52
    Ordinary person says:

    I am not worthy.

  53. 53
    Jeremy Paxo says:

    ask him 11 more times..

  54. 54
    SocialDemocrat says:

    Dear Ed,

    I would love to come work for you. I have excellent Wikipedia editing skills, and I excel at making myself look good, some of which hopefully might rub off onto you. I have very good contacts within the trendy areas of London, New York and San Francisco which may come in useful to us, and I am also a part time Barack Obama impersonator. As a wealthy millionaire, privately educated former lawyer who has spent most of his adult life working in politics, I feel I could greatly add to the diversity of your team and help us to reconnect with the working class vote.

  55. 55
    Dave666 says:

    Soory this is in crayon but I can’t us a computer. I dont lik owles very much either, but i kneed a job as foreigners are employed in the jobs i used to do. is that 250 wurds it must be klose? When do i start?

  56. 56
    G Brown says:

    Dear Mr Miliband,

    I believe I have all the qualities you’re looking for in an intern. I’ve had a long distinguished career in which I personally project managed a 300% increase in the sale of Nokias. I also helped bring the very important issue of workplace bullying to the top of the national news agenda. One of my proudest achievements was overseeing a special operation that involved ensuring the long-term safety of our environs. Indeed, one could say I helped save it.

    I’m a diligent and enthusiastic worker with excellent interpersonal skills. I work well in a team and can remain calm in pressurised situations.

    Yours sincerely,

    G Brown

  57. 57
    Corridor of Uncertainty says:

    I’ve never seen a slow motion train wreck up close before.

  58. 58
    Find your own bloody cage says:

    He don’t need no help at that. Grade A* material. He’s got a wonderful sense of humour for a foreigner. He’s almost human. We’re really lucky these lads come over here to do all those jobs we don’t want to do. It’s remarkable what you can train chimps to do, no really. Look at Balls, with the help of a few lessons he became an adviser to the Chancellor of the Exchequer. No fucking use at running a Country or it’s Economy but he learned to hold a tea-cup. Never did learn to drive.
    After all, how many lessons can it take to get Mili-Ape to stand there whilst his fellow cage-rattlers piss on his shoes and feed him bacon sarnies?

  59. 59
    Too Far says:

    You can stuff the bacon sarni where the sun don’t shine…Who would want to be with some one with such an uncouth eating “method”

  60. 60
    EeeYepBlowing Whistles says:

    Dear Mister Miliband

    i would like to experience at first hand how the son of an avowed marxist works when the cameras are not on him.

    i want to see how he covers up his rages and angry tirades when it is plainly clear publicly that his life and the sins of his father is a waste of time.

    i want to see your blood boiling, again out of sight of the msm. i want to feel your real hatred for people when they refuse to be indoctrinated into your ‘socalist one nation claptrap and drivel; which you pitifully believe is your destiny to convince these unbelievers of.

    i want to know how you reconcile your ineptitude every day, such that you have backed yourself into a corner and have yourself and the likes of Kinnock and so many other pitiful, misguided and fork tongued liars to rely upon.

  61. 61
    john mackie says:

    Are you casting unfounded aspersion on the size of my manhood, or speaking from personal experience?

  62. 62
    Ed Moribund says:

    Mark this one as trash.

    Ok, what else have we got? Are there any real ones at all?

  63. 63

    I am interested in working in your office in order to gather material for a new comedy programme featuring a delusional gang of treacherous slime balls who are out to do further damage to the country on behalf of an unelected communist dictatorship based in the Belgian capital.
    One of the main features will be a photo montage of the tragi comic leader as he blunders his way from one PR disaster to another like a cartoon character, oblivious to the ridicule heaped upon him, as his friends try convince those around him, and the general public, of his credibility.

  64. 64
    Genghiz the kahn says:

    Dear Ed,

    I would like to work for you on the grounds that all of your current staff know that you are incapable of leading them into a brewery, taking the crown tops off the bottles to start a party.

    Your Twitter account appears to be run by disloyal, revisionist Blairite running dogs who post endless out of focus shots of you drinking cups of tepid milky tea as you patronise the public.

    Voters have yet to be convinced that you can run a bath, or lead a dog. Most know you have all the charisma of Roy Hodgson and that like him you are a loser.

    As for the living wage, why not come clean and admit that it is just another way of jacking up the shambolic minimum wage which has done so much for our young people, by keeping them out of the workplace.

  65. 65
    Anonymous says:

    Because I might get an opportunity to beat that stupid look off your face.

  66. 66
    Upchuck says:

  67. 67
    Braveheart says:

    In addition to the £8.80 per hour “worked” I will have the opportunity to film discreet videos using my Google Glass camera and, after 12 months, offer them to the highest bidder out of The Sun, The Daily Mail, David Cameron, Yvette Cooper and, of course, Ed Miliband.

  68. 68
    Neil Down says:

    I would like to work for Ed because I have always wanted to rob the Labour party. They robbed me for 13 years so I feel it is only just. If I worked for Ed, I would have a security pass and I could go around taking purses, wallets and phones, and maybe IT equipment also.

  69. 69
    David Miliband says:

    I am currently doing charity work, which is a bit boring.

    My main wish is to work for a ruthless winner and you fit this bill perfectly.

    As the Labour Party is tight on funds, I am prepared to accept part payment in bananas.

  70. 70
    Goldman Sachs says:

    Ed Milliband is the perfect Prime Minister because his face says everything. Labours in the shit, the unions don’t know what they’re doing, who would want to be the next Prime Minster of England when the pretense of Democracy completely fails.
    When the Prime Minister is caught like a puppet between the 10,000 Mr Beans who run the EU, the City of London narcissistic crooks & the Psychos at the Pentagon who are now fighting the EU in Ukraine for power, control of the gas pipeline & holding the TTIP gun to our heads.
    Lets face it the politicians have out foxed themselves. They no longer have any allies they can trust & have no plan, just devious manipulation that even they have lost the sense of what they are doing. It certainly isn’t “for Queen & Country.” They’ve sold out to the Devil & now they find they have no weapons to defend ourselves because the US enemy has all the keys.
    Yes, he’ s perfect for the job.

  71. 71
    a fistful of postal votes says:

    “what interests you about working for the Rt Hon Ed Miliband MP?”

    I would like the opportunity, up close, in person and first hand, to be able to find out once and for all whether or not these strikes are wrong. I’m still not entirely sure.

  72. 72
    The Sainted Martyr that is Yasmin says:

    Oh dear, oh dear.

  73. 73
    hoomoo17 says:

    Dear Ed,

    It has been my dream, since my dad told me to get a proper job, to go into politics. I can’t think of a better place to start than in the office of our next Prime Minister. However, as they’re not hiring, I am willing to offer you my prodigious talent.
    I have experience in managing expectations, as my surprisingly non-disappointed constituents will attest to. A must for this role I think you’ll agree.
    I can read to a basic level. Have some numeracy skills, so I at least know that something can only be spent once, unless it’s a bankers bonus or for capital investment over the medium term.
    I can write, sometimes even in meaningful sentences, although I realise this could be a problem and have been practicing saying much, whilst also saying nothing at all.
    I realise that quantum politics is the new old politics and together we will blaze a trail of stardust through the lobby of the House.
    So, like the blooming petals opening on a red labour rose, I propose to show the world the beauty that you’ve hidden beneath a veneer of mediocrity or succeed you trying.
    Together to number 10. (That’s the bus to Hammersmith, right? Only I told Yvette I’d be home by 6.)

  74. 74
    The man's a tw@ says:

    “what interests you about working for the Rt Hon Ed Miliband MP?”

    fuck all

  75. 75
    Tim Yeo-Yo says:

    Have you ever heard the expression “it would be like waving a chipolata in the Albert Hall?”

  76. 76
    Corridor of Uncertainty says:

    Only a very few jobs pay as well as ex-leader of the Labour Party. You will be one soon and if I stick with you, I might get a piece of the action.

  77. 77
    R. Youshore says:

    Dear Mr. Millionaireband,

    I would like to work for you so that I could more easily understand why you would have that @rsehole Ed Balls working as your Shadow Chancellor. He promulgates all that is bad about Labour, the politics of envy and resentment and the ideology of confiscation. I know that you pledged to bring back socialism, are you sure you didn’t mean you’d bring back Bolshevism ?

  78. 78
    Stu says:

    Look Tristram you already have a bloody job in Stoke on Trent. That should be enough even for a useless pillock like you.

  79. 79
    Engineer says:


  80. 80

    Dear Mr Silliband.
    Well like, thought I’d start working with someone on a downward spiralisation modus.
    Before kick starting a killer application, being there at the front end of decision making. Giving me the chance to offer bespoke political solutions in a unique political enviroment. Like after a few months, listening, studying and learning from you I could move on to a real solid political party and take over the Lib-Dims.
    Have a kosher bacon buttie on me.

  81. 81
    Indiana Jones says:

    I would like to work for Ed Miliband because I am interested in weird artifacts from the past. I have my own whip by the way.

  82. 82
    Applicant says:

    Dear Ed,

    I want to learn how to bullshit the public and live well at thier expense.

  83. 83
    Gaylord McMincer, MP says:

    I wish to defect to Ed’s party because it has more young men in it. The Tories are SUCH old queens. Its like Last Of The Summer Cock. What I want to do is to get my hands on Chuka. Come here, you ebony beauty.

  84. 84
    Cato Street Conspirator says:

    Because I see it as a first stage to becoming a Special Adviser, which will parachute me into a safe constituency as an MP, and enable me to become a minster. After which I’ll be able to follow my dream of making my fortune as a ‘consultant’, ‘speechmaker’, ‘peace envoy’ and whatever it is that Gordon Brown does.

  85. 85

    Dear Ed,

    I would like the job as I have always wanted to be a Shakespearean Actor.

    I want to act as one of the senate when Brutus gives it to you during the Ides Of March.

    “Is this a dagger I see before my eyes?”

    “No, it’s Chukka you dyslexic twat!”

  86. 86
    moosealot says:

    What interests you about working for the Rt Hon Ed Miliband MP?”

    My teacher says that you have to help people who aren’t quite like normal people. Stinky James in Mrs Adams class is special. He always has bogies sticking out his nose and he smells of wee and he pulls the girls hair and pretends it wasn’t him. I had to sit next to him last term and I got told off for putting my hand up in class to say that he had peed himself so I didn’t do it again, and when he broke my Thomas The Tank Engine rubber I had to pretend it was all right even though when I broke Rebecca Cox’s My Little Pony lunchbox accidentally Mummy made me buy her another one out of my pocket money even though it was an accident. Because I did so well sitting next to Stinky James last term I got moved and am now on a table with Scott Williams and Lee Harvey who have loads of rugby stickers and Lego Star Wars.

  87. 87
    Sage Vals says:

    A peerage would be nice, or failing that an EU commission place might be nice too. I hate Tories like you won’t believe. Bastards! Will this do?

    PS I have a degree in PPE and my Mum is 23rd, or is it 30th cousin to the Queen. Oh, and great-great grandad was in the General Strike. Or alive then, at least, so he must have been in it, obviously.

    PPS. I enclose large cheque made payable to ‘Labour Party’? I’m sure this covers my ‘living wage’ for year.

  88. 88
    Ed Miliband says:

    We strongly disagree with the prime minister. We give our wholehearted support to Jean Claude Van Damme in his campaign to be President of the FA.

  89. 89
    Trevor Nutts says:

    Dear Ed,
    I would really like to come and work for you because my imaginary friend says that you have serious problems, and it is my duty to solve these problems for you so that you can have an imaginary friend too. You maybe already have one – I don’t know enough about you to be honest – but I know that you don’t seem to like real friends very much, or your brother come to that. Imaginary friends are so much better than the real thing, don’t you think? I expect it’s like having no policies – much easier than having to go to the bother of making some up and then spending lots of precious time arguing with other people about them. ‘Use your imagination,’ is what my imaginary friend always says.
    Yours in expectation.

  90. 90
    A British Worker says:

    I want a British job.

    Do they have any British people in the Labour Party?

  91. 91
    Steven Seagal says:

    That would be great because I’m getting involved in politics too. Wouldn’t it be cool if America and Europe were both run by 1990s action video stars? Maybe Jet Li could be in charge of China too!

  92. 92
    Forrest Gump says:

    My momma used to say life is like a box of chocolates – you never know what you’re gonna get. That’s just like Ed’s policies so I reckon I’d fit right in. Ed’s a lot like me in many ways. We have the same IQ and we both tend to look awkward while mixing with important people.

  93. 93
    F##k the LibLabCon says:

    The free cheese.

  94. 94
    Guffaws says:

    Dear Ed Milibund,

    Just a picture in the papers is enough to set off a fit of laughter. So it would be hilarious to see you up close, a laugh a minute.

    I’d buy bacon sandwiches for treats.


  95. 95
    The Dark Enlightenment says:

  96. 96
    bergen says:

    Dear Mr Milliband,

    Pater and Mama (who send you their kindest regards) tell me that a spell as an intern in your office would be invaluable on my cv.

    The low salary will present no problem as I have a generous allowance and I have persuaded one of your favourite charities to give me a grant to further their lobbying of the party. Its CEO also sends his warmest felicitations and hopes to see you at its summer drinks party next week. He is anxious to discuss how much support he can give you without imperilling its public funding

    I would be happy to attend your constituency office occasionally as I understand there is a fast train service to Doncaster from London although would not be available for overnight stays. Meeting working class voters would be a novel experience which I’m sure I would relish and stand me in good stead when I seek a nomination (hopefully with your and HQ’s endorsement) for a safe seat which I would hope would not be too far North. I should dearly love to be the third generation of my family to represent somewhere in Parliament and Pater tells me that the location is quite irrelevant.

    If you think you need some diversity I should be pleased to organise a photoshoot with the university’s black ,gay muslim and disabled societies (or a combination of your choice). Sadly my PPE colleagues are hideously white and privately educated (as I am, alas) but we can all manage an estuary or Northern accent if it helps.

    I am computer literate and have only once made a fool of myself on twitter and I shall if appointed clear all the photos off my facebook page. You can count on Pater giving confidential briefings to the Guardian against Mr Balls.

    yours & etc

  97. 97
    Lutfur Rahman says:

    I have a lock up full of filled-in postal votes.

  98. 98
    Levi says:


  99. 99
    generic taxi driver says:

    while the anticipation of the next major, embarrassing, self inflicted calamity is truly exciting … to be at the side of Ed as he goes about his business would help my thesis on chaos theory immeasurably.
    Chaos is the science of surprises, of the nonlinear and the unpredictable and you have to admit … Ed brings that in buckets.
    Advancing chaos theory would allow us to better understand Tower Hamlets, Diane Abbott’s mouth/brain disconnection and the blatant lies of Tony Blair.
    A worthy research subject you must agree

  100. 100
    Outraged of Toxteth says:

    You should be shortlisted. Are you female, ethnic or in some other way disabled?

  101. 101
    Anonymous says:

    I’d have to be a ‘To-Wit’ not to want to work for Ed and to seek ‘To-Woo’ naive and unsuspecting voters to vote Labour. But there again I am a couple of rashers short of the full English.

    PS: Rather ironically, the collective noun for a group of owls is apparently a parliament!

  102. 102
    delphius says:

    Dear Mr Milliband,

    I would like to apply for the position of intern as I’m free this summer. I could possibly stretch it further by a month or so but I’m pretty sure both of us would be redundant by the end of the conference season so it would suit me fine.

  103. 103
    Lady Hamilton's Pussy says:

    Dear Ed,

    I would like to work for you so I can read the paper in the morning and then apologise for reading it in the afternoon. You Tit!

  104. 104
    Chuka's Photographer says:

    Dear Mr Miliband.

    I would like to carry your bags. It is time I moved on up in the world.

  105. 105
    Brown Owl says:

    I hear you are recruiting Mr Miliband

  106. 106
    Hillary says:

    Because I might get the chance to meet David!

  107. 107
    non Dennis non Williams. katapapa says:

    manchester nil.
    leeds united one.

    city of london minus I.

    in other news let me have a bottle.
    whisky united gazillionaires disease rules.

  108. 108
    work what's work says:

    8.80 per hour wouldn’t get out of bed for that get more on the dole thanks.

  109. 109
    A Neet says:

    I’d like to work with Miliband because I already tried Cameron and Clegg and Farage and they said no.

  110. 110
    Jim Davison says:

    And they say there are no right wing comedians. Great work guys.

  111. 111
    weld on. ai am a toe less wonder. I says:

    if I pull in my toes, do i claw on.
    ground gripped is firmer.

    why have toes when foamless pearl drops can polish my teeth.

    must be the hand of god

  112. 112
    Dougie says:

    Dear Ed,
    Working for you would be like watching You’ve Been Framed, only in real life.

  113. 113
    Tangoedyouhavebeen says:

    I would love to work with you to study one of the greatest characters of all time. I would bring connoisseur cheese into the office too and who doesn’t like that. I may also from time to time bring Shaun my pet sheep which would be highly entertaining and keep the hard working colleagues amused. Do you have a dog as this would be the clincher? I’ll do it for nothing in fact.

    Yours Nick Park

  114. 114
    Odious Young Public Schoolperson says:

    I’ve always thought it would be grand
    To work for you, Ed Miliband
    And since I was a little lad
    I’ve longed to be a clever spad
    I love your hair, your teeth; your voice
    (Although it wouldn’t be my choice)
    Is not as bad as some make out.
    I love to hear you rave and shout
    And tell the Tories that they’re crap.
    At PMQs you make me clap!
    I want to serve you every day
    And earn my rather meagre pay
    I’d never leave you in the lurch
    I’d do your internet research
    And never make you frown or scowl
    By tweeting stuff about an owl
    So Mr M, O hear my plea
    Direct your noble gaze at ME!

  115. 115
    Outraged of Toxteth says:

    Dear Mr Milliband
    I hope that you’ll consider me, as I’ve had a troubled upbringing. My father is doing a full-life stretch for raping and killing my sister. My mother is a prostitute who made me fluff her clients when I was small. My brother was a drug dealer on the run, who’s now gone to join ISIS. And I’ve lived on benefits since I left school at 13. It was all Thatcher’s fault.

    So I clearly understand Labour’s core voters.But must join the I Labour party?

    I couldn’t live with the shame.

  116. 116
    Tristan a hunt says:

    Dear Ed

    can I please work for you for a year as I want a gap year of doing something that won’t cause any damage. As you can’t win the election this seems a good way of doing that a.d getting some money at the same time. And daddy said it should be charitable work and you seem a charity case to me


    Tristan hunt.

  117. 117
    please sir, I would like refuse. says:

    ai prefer crispy bacon.
    sand washed, at sandhurst.
    you may keep your bread, given that yoir family is for growth. as for the owl, I am already chipped . askgoogleglass.

    owl, glass, is that the time. must find me. run rabbit run. all the best.

  118. 118
    Tachybaptus says:

    Dear Mr Miliband

    Having seen this photograph of you with a 2 ft tall Snowy Owl perched on your arm, I realise that you must be a giant among men, and am breathless with adoration.

  119. 119
    Grow up and fuck off says:

    Grow up and fuck off

  120. 120
    Grow up and fuck off says:

    Grow up and fuck off you useless twat

  121. 121
    Grow up and fuck off says:

    You are a sad fucking Hunt

  122. 122
    Red Len McCluskly says:

    Dear Ed

    You work for me.

    Now get back to work.

    Red Led

  123. 123
    White rabbit says:

    Yo Ed,
    I know you’re a passionate guy, but hey so am I. I figure we can combine our juices and together learn the art of social etiquette.
    I’m also a very keen fan of Bill Oddie and like going to the pictures.

  124. 124
  125. 125
    Professor I C Acunt says:

    I would like the opportunity to work for Ed Miliband for many reasons. It is very rare one gets to study up close the habits and behavior of another species. What and when does a Miliband eat for example – we only have one public sighting and that showed fascinating flashes of how different it is from humans. Mating is another one – Miliband D famously cannot impregnate a human female, but rumours are that Miliband E did. But it doesn’t look very female so is there something hidden there? Finally facial ticks – where to start. I like weird stuff so I’d like to study this wretched creature for the advancement of science.

    I’d also like to study to lowlife and sychophants that surround such a thing as Miliband. Do they have any self-respect or are they all lost causes? Do they control his actions or him theirs? Did he really, to use the vernacular, ‘bum’ Ed Balls?

    There you have it. Please advise in due course whether my application is successful.

    Prof I C AHunt

  126. 126
    Another scouser says:

    Is dat you Joey Barton la?

  127. 127

    Dear Mr Millbandaid,
    I formally apply for the job of your intern.

    £8.80 an hour is, going forward, a pre-discussable level of remuneration for the benefit of all the people going forward, of which the LabourN&zi Party is None Other Than The Political Arm, and I welcome your input, seeing that you have left a “1,99” off the left side of the number given. I’m sire that you meant £1,998.80 and that “Labour Voters need to learn how to be empowered on the internet”.

    Being a Born Leader with strategically-focussed and goal-oriented vision, having as I do goal-oriented-drive, unbending ambition and success-desire-in-a-very-real-way, and also a team-worker happy in a strategically-focussed and goal-orientedTeam, as well as being a Born Leader, I will constructively use the time with yourself, going forward in a tactically-and election-leading-and-rigging focussed way, to learn so much more about the internal strategically-oriented and profit-based weaknesses of the LabourNa&i Party’s organisation, and also about postal voting.

    I promise to use this learning in a strategically-focussed and very real way, in the context of the coming future’s election fight, the one in the LTT of today, which is to fight to keep the Party at the Forefront of Change.

  128. 128
    Wesley Snipes says:

    I’ll sort out Translyvania.

  129. 129
    Proles not Poles says:

    you are Jack Dromey and I claim my £5

  130. 130
    Tom Catesby says:

    I’d find working for the owl far more interesting.

  131. 131
    Mercian says:

    I’m anxious to see how autistic foreigners behave in private.

  132. 132
    Tom Catesby says:

    An ‘apprentice’, an apprentice what?
    Another much abused word these days, like ‘communities’ and ‘ethnic’
    and, ‘diversity’ etc. Overused and incorrectly used.

  133. 133

    i am an austistic foreigner and I am outraged to be compared to miliband!

  134. 134
    Blood soaked says:

    The truly repugnant John McTernan on Channel 4 News defending Tony Blair and Iraq. Odious piece of shit.

  135. 135
    Am I the only one? says:

    Well I’m too young to work for Michael Foot or Euro Neil

  136. 136
    neil says:

    i wuv u mr miliband ‘cos u is a millionaire. u is a millionaire because u won’t pay me personally, but nick the money from the labour party fund which is wankrupt to the tune of millions of wonga.

  137. 137
    Roma Bert. says:

    Giz a job you odious Hunt!

  138. 138
    Gordon Brown (IQ 13 and 3/4) says:

    I push crayons up my bottom.

  139. 139
    Golda' s Green says:

    Free Kosher Bacon Sandwiches!

  140. 140
    Secretary to Jack The Ripper! says:

    Better than working for you Jack. Milibollocks will at least rip everyone’s throat good and proper!

  141. 141
    Ed says:

    Is that you Chuka?

  142. 142
    Socialism is theft says:

    Farage wants to give more ‘power to the people’ with direct democracy.


    This will not go down well with the Westminster set and the EU as they hate democracy with a venom.

  143. 143
    Ed says:

    Yeah, you could call it,’no thanks minister’.

  144. 144
    parisclaims says:

    I have been on the dole for 28 years, and the only job I was ever offered was Captain Hook’s arse wiper. He’s no longer around, so can I work with you, Ed?

  145. 145
    John Bellingham says:

    “what interests you about working for the Rt Hon Ed Miliband MP?”

    I am a comedy writer and I need new material.

  146. 146
    Bog Brush says:

    Seriously, guys ……. not laughed so much for ages.
    Made my night.

  147. 147
    Bosun Higgs says:

    Kate Beckinsale, now, I might vote for her.

  148. 148
    Little old lady from Tooting Beck says:

    I still haven’t received my free owl. I check the post everyday but no owl to be seen

    The fucking lying toe rag

  149. 149
    The unacceptable face of capitalism. says:

    Dear Mr Milliband…..£8.50p per hour, Fuck off!

  150. 150
    Jack Ketch. says:

    Alan Johnson. He is also the only one who is vaguely honest, had a real job ( a long time ago), working class credentials and any general appeal. He is also too dim to do any damage

  151. 151
    Alas says:

    I seem to have come out without an owl about me.

  152. 152
    Tom Catesby. says:

    As it flown off?

  153. 153
    Foreeee owls..git yer freeeee owls 'ere says:

    Just have to say the ed, bacon buttie and owl picture is absolutely ace. Better than the prime mentalist with orange hair

  154. 154
    Workers vote UKIP...and email Chukky says:

    Like throwing a kit bag into the back of a Bedford. .

    Old ones are the best.

  155. 155
    Just ping me an email sometime soon Ed says:

    Dear Ed
    As I see it:
    They’re not challenges ahead, they’re success opportunities.
    But lets park that idea in the ball park for a nanosec, as a paradigm shift could occur as a result of dynamic thinking outside the box.
    Let’s get our ducks in a row, and see how far the bungie of trust actually goes. After all,there’s no need to reinvent wheel here
    Quite simply, teamwork is dreamwork Ed. How can you soar like an eagle when you’re surrounded by budgies?
    You need cross-functional exposure, voter centric synergy, and salient customer touch points.
    I’m sure that you can see that I am just perfect for you.

  156. 156
    parisclaims says:

    Fuck off, I get over £500pw jihad seekers allowance. I would get out of my PJs for poxy £8 per hour.

  157. 157
    parisclaims says:

    I tried to change my name to Anjem Choudary for that post but I’m too IT illiterate!

  158. 158
    A Yoof says:

    Dear Ed

    I would like to work for you as a parliamentary apprentice because I sure you are less mean to your apprentices than that Alan Sugar. Also, my application for this year’s Big Brother was rejected, which I don’t understand because I sent them a really cool video of me saying stuff. So I’m free to take the job after Glastonbury.


  159. 159
    Bert says:

    No no, that’s his job application. Should be a shoo-in.

  160. 160
    Bert says:

    Yes, but are you “passionate” about what you do?


    Otherwise 9/10 for jargon. You’re on the shortlist.

  161. 161
    Laurie Knight says:

    Dear Ed,

    Please can I be your apprentice. I Really like bacon sandwiches and Guido says I can have one if I get the job. Plus I could use my long and varied bacon sandwich eating experience to teach you how to do it properly, (over the course of several years obviously, it’s not just something every cretin can manage, learning the art will take commitment, determination, perseverance and a whole lot of luck on your part. [and in the worst case (which I fear) possibly we might need to replace you with a bacon eating robot to make you seem more human])

    Yours faithfully
    Vince Cable

  162. 162
    Bert says:

    Must be an impostor, since the word “work” features nowhere in her otherwise extensive vocabulary.

  163. 163
    cured lefty says:

    I may be wrong but when ed gets a relentless doing on here our labour friends seem to dissappear.

  164. 164
    Juan Kerr says:

    Find the off-switch and save the world.

  165. 165
    Justice 4 Maddie says:

    I would like to work with Mr Miliband as his name is a bit like Maddie.

  166. 166
    I'll intern for the winning twat says:

    Dear Ed,

    I’d like to work for you as an apprentice as I reckon you are going to be PM one day because that twat Cameron doesn’t know how to win an election.

  167. 167
    Labour wimmin, UGH says:

    Dear Ed
    I would like to work for you to meet Hazel and Harriet and Yvette and Tessa and….
    Oh, fuck it, no, ignore my application.

  168. 168
    Bert says:

    “Chucking a biro down Oxford Street” is another I recall.

  169. 169
    You Night says:

    Dear ed,
    I was going to do the job but my shop steward said the pay should nearer £600 an hour with 50 weeks off a year.

  170. 170
    Diane Fatbot says:

    My son will take the internship, I’ll expect the contract in the post by tomorrow or you are a waycist.

  171. 171

    @EU Funded Pro EU Troll

    Now commenting on yours of June 22, 2014 at 12:13 pm and in particular on the Angst over Spying article with which I find myself not fully in agreement.

    The FPI is an independent and highly regarded think tank based in the USA. However it cannot but avoid having a US-centric bias. That is not a critical observation but a factual one

    The fall of communism was both good and bad for the USA. It meant that the system of (at least theoretically) free markets had prevailed over communist top-down control. But it left the power of the USA unchecked. Seldom in history has this turned out to be a good thing. The apologists merged into the prevailing orthodoxy and started to destroy it. If you ever want a smaller scale version of this, look at Italy which makes a fascinating case study.

    The seeds of the crash of 2007 were sown well before this. I maintain a decade before in the UK – as I actually watched it happen in front of my eyes. In the US, it was earlier. I am aware that your take is much earlier than this but to my mind, the Clinton administration and the Blair/Brown administration signalled a stage-shift for the worse. That this term is used in cancer detection only heightens its sense of peril. The revelations of the recently defected Mr Taylor from the Labour party confirm my suspicions in every way.

    If you had been in the UK at the time (recognise that you may have been), you would have seen the victims of criminal action become the accused. As just one of countless examples, truckers were fined for having stowaway illegal immigrants climb onto the underside of their vehicles. The thinking extended into all manners of crime. It was easier to punish the relative law-abiding than the criminals. The farmer, Tony Martin, was a classic case. This whole mode of thinking became a worldview which then allowed bankers to fiddle LIBOR rates, politicians to fiddle expenses and health service trusts to do unspeakable things to those they were supposed to care for.

    Having established that, we may return to the FPI article which presents an apology for the security services. Of course spy agencies have to spy. Every country’s does. But the worldview in which they operate has become so skewed that they no longer undertake the difficult tasks they attempted before. It is easier to spy on everyone. Everyone is guilty after all… – If you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to fear…

    Mission-creep takes place. Police become tax collectors. Everything becomes corrupted. Control becomes absolute. The communists could only ever dream of this.

    [Part 5 of God knows how many :-) ]

    Vote UKIP :-D

  172. 172
    EeeYepBlowing Whistles says:

    i is enabled to think outside the box – of political journalistic and judicial – Bull5hit.

  173. 173
    Pompes et Etouffards says:

    “Throughout my twin honours undergraduate course it has been my dream to start my apprenticeship practical tasks with work that will benefit the Country and the Labour Party.

    I could wish for no better opportunity than working with Ed Miliband”

    I attach letters of recommendation from my professors of Funeral Management and of Taxidermy.

  174. 174
    non taxable pikey says:

    Maybe he is hoping to wipe his Rs, in which case it would be loose. Or maybe not.. let us go no further.

  175. 175

    Dear Rt Hon

    I assume the £8.80 per hour would be for core working hours 11am to 3 pm less mandatory Human Rights kp Act one hour lunch break — all other hours would be recompensed at octuple time and a half in accordance with EU Directive 305./2007which you will not be familiar with as I have just asked my Brussels contact to make it up and back date it .
    I also assume but state for the record that these rates are EXCLUSIVE of my very substantial weekly disbursements which will be rendered via my VAT exempt Invoice from my financisl consultancy boutique based in Labuan and will be reflective of my commuting costs from that location plus necessary subsistence , entertaining etc .



  176. 176
    Mehdi Hasbeen says:

    Dear Mr Miliband

    My name is Mehdi. My good friend Peter Oborne suggested I drop you a line as I’m very keen to work for [XXXX] The Labour Party.

    Although I am on the left of the political spectrum, and disagree with [XXXX] The Labour Party’s line on a range of issues, I have always admired [XXXX] The Labour Party’s passion, rigour, boldness and, of course, values. I believe [XXXX] The Labour Party has a vitally important role to play in the national debate, and I admire your relentless focus on the need for integrity and morality in public life. I also believe – as does Peter – that I could be a fresh and passionate, not to mention polemical and contrarian, voice in your policy discussions.

    For the record, I am not a Labour tribalist and am often ultra-critical of Ed Balls – especially on social and moral issues, where my fellow leftists and liberals have lost touch with their own traditions and with the great British public. In my column in the New Statesman, for example, I offered a critique of the five Labour leadership candidates, and their various inadequacies, accusing them all of lacking what George Bush Snr once called “the vision thing”.

    Apart from you, obviously.

    A bit of background: I am 34 and a half, and was born and brought up in the United Kingdom, the son of Indian immigrants (an engineer and a doctor) who came here in the 1960s. I am an Oxford graduate and am not allowed anything sharp. Bit like yourself.


  177. 177




  178. 178
    Aberdeen och aye isla'mist says:

    Sassenach infidel.

  179. 179

    It s not E N T Ear Nose and Throat any more !!

    Its now been politically corrected to T N E which puts the Throat at the base holding up the Nose which in turn acts as a fulcrum for the Ears to wiggle .

    So don t forget THROAT NOSE AND EAR .

    Straight up ! — google ear nose and throat hospital grays inn road and look at their politically proper new name !!

  180. 180
    Ed Itler says:

    Ein Tax
    Ein Volk
    Ein Reich

  181. 181
    The Layman says:

    Because I was promised an owl and I’m not leaving till I get it

  182. 182
    Note the BBC ethnic mix 60:40 says:

  183. 183
    Enquirer says:

    What about those two person families who have two second flipped homes?

    Will they add the values of those together?

  184. 184
    Bored of your shite says:

    Will you 2 get a room…or another blog to toss each other in?

  185. 185
  186. 186
    harrythebastard says:

    I would like to work for Rd Miliband because he is the best hope the conservatives have of winning the next election

  187. 187
    Owain Jones says:

    I’d like to work for Ed coz I like taking it up the sausage chute. Oohh! Wiggle, wiggle!

  188. 188
    Tripe says:

    you really must remember to work in the word “seamless” as well as passionate,

    I see you included “going forward” but really it needs to be more than once

    “lessons learned” might also be employed to fill things out

  189. 189
    Tim Yeo-Yo says:

    This is Axlerod’s application email isn’t it?

  190. 190
    Mickey F says:

    Enough here for Yasmin to write one of her loathsome rants, the poor sad martyr that she is.

  191. 191
    The Lizzud Returns says:

    Dear Ed,

    I am really interested in working for you because I really want to learn about what it takes to become Labour Leader.

    Yours sincerely,

    David Miliband

  192. 192
    Owen Money says:

    …or is that ‘short arse’

  193. 193
    farmer_giles says:

    “what interests you about working for the Rt Hon Ed Miliband MP?”

    Dear Mr Miliband

    I am not the typical candidate for an apprentice. I am 38 and an experienced farm manager. I currently manage four full time members of staff and supervise one hundred and thirty five temporary employees during the harvest season on a mixed farm in the North East.

    I am responsible for subcontracting machinery and property procurement and development. I also manage relationships with legal and financial third parties ensuring quality and value for money from these contracts.

    The reason why I am applying for this role is I would like to have a pay rise I am currently on 7.56 per hour slightly more than the average for my sector and geographical location.

    If you haven’t got it by now I will now spell it out to you. The living wage is not economically viable for many businesses especially in particular regions. If you introduce it what will happen to my job. Do you think it will be viable to employ the hundred and fourty employees on the farm at £8.80 or £7.65 in the North East? These people will not have jobs and it will lay waste to the countryside and North.

    The problem with the living wage is the cost of living may be nothing for some people for example my wife who just wants a bit of filing for a few hours a week for a bit of pocket money. She doesn’t want to be worked hard for extra pay. Do you not understand how the labour market works?

    It is evident you don’t because you want to make employers pay because your too scared to raise taxes but many employers will not be able pay. What interests me about working with you is working with a man who proclaims to be labour when he truly doesn’t understand the working poor.


    You mong

  194. 194
    Blue Peter Goldfish says:

    The owl and ed pussycat went to sea in a beautiful pea green boat, they took some honey and plenty of money wrapped up in a five pound note, they sailed away for a year and a day to the land where the bong tree grows, and there in the wood a bacon sandwich stood… hmmm needs more work.

  195. 195
    Hates them all says:

    I want to work for that conniving little tw*t Ed because it will get me into close proximity with his personage. Proximity makes assassination SO much easier.



    PS: As he takes his instructions from the Scottish farce every week it may also mean Ill get to meet the mad one-eyed jock again. F*ck all chance of doing that at the Houses of Parliament. I’d like to kill him too. Showing the other cheek last time meant I had to f*ck off to the US with my cock taped between my legs.

  196. 196
    A Giraffe says:

    I always thought NOAH bigged up that fucking flood!

  197. 197
    Moishe says:

    eight pound what an hour? I can get that making sandwiches at Pret a Manger and perform a vital service providing lunch to commuters. Think again bacon butty muncher – not kosher that is it?

  198. 198
    Blue Peter Goldfish says:

    ED looks like Prat a Manger.

  199. 199
    Albert's chainsaw sharpeners says:

    Let me get this straight, the drunk is crawling down the path for an interview with Ed and the queue that goes around the corner and is a mile long is for Wimbledon.

  200. 200
    cecil rhodes says:

    I’ve always been passionate about helping the disabled.
    Oh, and my hair smells really good

  201. 201
    Maimed Codger says:

    Three Eds are better than One…. signed Ed

  202. 202
    paul massara says:

    Dear Ed

    I would love to have the opportunity to be your understudy for a few months. To work with someone as ruthless as you.

    For me your energy policy is a master peice. If you hadn’t made the statement last Autumn, prices would of fallen by 5% by now. Bravo.

    This is a win win. We get to keep the extra revenue by not dropping prices. But in return you get the double bonus. Of lots of voters crying about high energy prices and more dead pensioners this winter. Who lets face it. Would of voted Tory anyway.

    Love your work

    Paul Massara
    Npower CEO

  203. 203
    just asking says:

    When will Balls appear in court on the hit-and-run charge?

  204. 204
    EeeYepBlowing Whistles says:

    Comments noted.

  205. 205
    My prediction for the next score! says:

    The ITV mix is 40:40:20 !

  206. 206
    Aberdeen och aye isla'mist says:

    Praise be to Ally, for FGM, for snickers and jelly babies. Hoots!

  207. 207
    Mitch says:

    You get a really long email back basically saying unless you live within 25 metres of Chuka and have a realy fancy watch like him, he will be ignoring you.

  208. 208
    EeeYepBlowing Whistles says:

    Alan Johnson was during his stint over at the DTI – (The Dept of Timidity and Ineptitude as known of the PEyers) responsible for ‘attempting to bring in zero hours / annualised hours contracts.

    Somebody put a big spoke in the wheels of his governments dirty tricks back then – can you guess who did it?

  209. 209
    EeeYepBlowing Whistles says:

    Hey there Forrest – i am sure that you meant to write:-

    ‘… mixing with impotent people’.

  210. 210

    Dear Ed,

    Why are you so good?

    Sincerely yours,

    Schrödinger’s cat

  211. 211
    anon says:

    Hey guys!! Thanks for the earlier tip about using onion browsers. I think I’ve got it up and running and I’m off to edit my Wiki page after my beans on toast have setttled.
    Loving the new Gravatar shit, btw! Very with-it. Whatever will they think of next?

    Ed x

  212. 212
    EeeYepBlowing Whistles says:

    i noted sue turton banging on about some journos out in Egypt and she said that the Egyption judicial system is not fair and transparent …

    Perhaps Sue Turton and her fellow colleagues would care to take a look at the judicial system in her / their own fucking back yard … before they get all high ‘n mighty?

  213. 213
    Roy Hodgson says:

    I’ve been told to look for a new job. And being Ed Miliband’s gopher can’t be any more humiliating than the last one.

  214. 214
    EeeYepBlowing Whistles says:

    Free the Cardiff Flying Vet.

  215. 215
    EeeYepBlowing Whistles says:

    Argyll & Bute Council are a bunch of unaccountable nasty criminals – they appear to be in love with the ‘model’ of accountability Cameron Russell.

  216. 216
    The British media are cunts says:

    i.e 40:60 … worse than the BBC

  217. 217
    Abbott causes racist comment says:

    ‘What interests you about working for the Rt Hon Ed Miliband MP?”

    Nothing! – “If you lay down with Dogs you’ll get fleas”

  218. 218
    Alan, a cunt you thought you'd seen the last of, Hansen says:

    A balanced formation either side of the central thrust point that is sure to promote some dribbling into the box with pace, power, precision…pace, power, precision…pace, power, precision…pace, power, precision…pace, power, precision…pace, power, precision……….

  219. 219
    The BBC are in a bit of a tizz, they don't know who to support, Brazil or Cameroon says:
  220. 220
    Abbott causes racist comment says:

    “Why would you want to work for Ed Milliband?”

    Oh I get it!!……….you simply change the question mark to an exclamation mark!?

  221. 221
    Not in my name says:

    Dear Milybland,

    I would really like 2 work for u as it seems a real easy way to get selected as a Labour candidate in a safe seat, after which it is a real doss with a good pension.

  222. 222
    The Cats whisker says:

    Dear Ed,

    I would like to work for you, even if I do have to pay you £8.80 for the privilege. It does appear to be a bit of a low cost way for me to get into politics and in the long run get onto the gravy boat. I was considering applying for a Job in the EU, but it appears that the Dutch have got them all sewn up.

    I believe that I can easily earn the £8.80 that I have to pay you back in next to no time simply by going into the House of Commons bar, buying a cheap pint and selling it outside to a tourist for a £5. You see with entrepreneurial spirit like that, I could soon be Chancellor of the Exchequer and do a few quick deals to get the country out of hock.

    Edward Balls – Aged 8 3/4 (Mentally)

  223. 223
    Mrs Merton says:

    What was it that attracted you to apply for a job for the millionaire Ed Miliband ?

  224. 224

    @EU Funded Pro EU Troll

    Still on your same post. no point in my Fisking the ‘Angst over Spying’ article as you will see where I am driving at by now, even if you disagree.

    Agree the Nouvel axe/Neue Achse and Sun Tzu points.

    Cameron’s reckless approach in objecting to Juncker, the more especially if the latter is appointed, plays to Dave’s tactics. I am by no means sure he understands strategy, despite his Oxford days.

    Where do you find two people sawing & chiselling together?

    The answer is ‘Brasenose College’, which is decorated with an assortment of gargoyles, including two doing this. Osborne is not doing enough sawing but Dave…

    OK, Osborne was a Magdalen man but otherwise it fits.

    Now, I disagree with just one point of Dan Hannan’s article today. The EU mob have not fully discounted Brexit. Understands why he argues that way but the consequential loss has not been evaluated in the EU, especially if the UK’s growth begins to look like Australia’s.

    What are the likes of Denmark, Austria (after its next election) and even NL going to think?

    In this context, I see Schulz as irrelevant.

    Dave is boxed in a corner. He has to try and get those UKIP votes back. You, me and a few million others. He will not succeed with either of us but it might well be enough, even assuming Scotland says NO.

    [Part 6 of God knows how many but not far to go now :-) ]

    Vote UKIP :-D

  225. 225
    Percy's progress says:

    I would like to work for you because people say you are a complete Prick – and that cannot be right can it? Being j*wish you can’t be can you???

  226. 226
    Owen Jones says:

    Get In There !!!

    ‘Ave It !!!!

    YouGov/Sun poll tonight – Labour ahead by four points: CON 32%, LAB 36%, LD 9%, UKIP 15%

  227. 227
    Roy Hodgson says:

    Dear Ed

    I know what it’s like to lead a team of over paid fuckwits & £8.80 seems a great owly wage.

    Your fwend


  228. 228
    Anonymous says:

    Talking of new jobs and applications, when will the faux Juncker affair play out ?

    For Juncker to win, and defeat Mr Cameron, so publicly, and then rub his nose in it, is not in the best interests of the “colleagues”.

    That alone makes one think that a deal must be in the offing.

    There are strong rumours the entire Cameron “opposition” is simply manufactured, there are further rumours that we will see Juncker withdraw from the race sometime this week, rather conveniently on “health” grounds…..

    Allowing Cameron to claim a moral and actual Eurosceptic victory.

  229. 229
    My prediction for the next score! says:

    Prediction still on track

  230. 230
    Prime Minister David Cameron says:

    Fucking get in there !!!!!!!! C’mon Ed !

  231. 231
    Peter Tapsell says:

    The biased judge sketch, by Peter Cook: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kyos-M48B8U&feature=kp

  232. 232
    A sane man says:

    I’d like to work for Ed to get a chance to cut off his face with a rusty stanley knife.

  233. 233
    joolz says:

    Dear Ed.

    I would like to work with you as a life sponging off the state and pretending to give a shit seems easy peasy, also getting a nice cushy pension at the end is a bonus.


  234. 234
    HandyCock @priory says:

    Dear Mr Milliband

    …..my name is Axelrod and I know Mr Obama

  235. 235
    hefferlite says:


  236. 236
    Gordo McMong says:

    Is that Sue?

    Horrible women…. sorry woman, where’s my fizzy orange pop nurse my head hurts again!

  237. 237
    Ungrateful Polaks says:

    Why the fuck is Poland allowed to dictate EU law and attack Britain?

    FFS we spent a bloody fortune and gave years of our time rescuing them from the Russians and now the fuckers are invading Britain and telling us what to do.

  238. 238
    Cameron is just as inept as Millimong says:

    ” Remember? He [David Cameron] fucked up the fiscal pact. He fucked it up. Simple as that. He is not interested, he does not get it, he believes in the stupid propaganda, he stupidly tries to play the system… his whole strategy of feeding [his critics] scraps in order to satisfy them is (just as I predicted) turning against him’ You know, his whole strategy of feeding them scraps in order to satisfy them is just as I predicted, turning against him; he should have said: “fuck off!”. Tried to convince people and isolate [the sceptics]. But he ceded the field to those that are now embarrassing him.”


  239. 239
    Gordo McMong says:


  240. 240
    Gordo McMong says:

    British jobs for Polish workers!

  241. 241
    neil says:

    You’d be doing him a favour.

  242. 242
    Mr Nutall of the UKIPs says:

    I would expect I can earn more money encouraging the Tories to Sell of British Assets on the cheap to our mutual friends.

  243. 243
    Tomasz the Polak says:

    Fuk yoo mate :)

  244. 244
    It is Decision Time. says:

    Vote UKIP.

    It really is the only solution now.

    We are at that point in History where we either extract our self from the EU mire and stand our own two feet or just give up and become a federated state.

    The Decision has to be made.

  245. 245
    F##k the LibLabCon says:

    You shouting at your ‘man friend’ again Owen?

  246. 246
    Ed Miliband says:

    ‘Britain can do better than this’

  247. 247
    Rusty Stanley Knife says:

    Do you mind!

  248. 248
    Box Standard Comprehensive says:

    No we fucking can’t, we aren’t allowed to produce winners remember!

  249. 249
    Tomasz the Polak says:

    Nis wun Gordo wheel be votings 4 yoo mate ;)

  250. 250
    Squeaker Bercow says:

    Now that’s my kind of humour.

    Brilliant sketch

  251. 251

    I left comment on your blog – not unconnected.

    Will sort some replies out to this when finished dealing with that / some other bits which have popped up. May move that off of this site.

    NB: For pan-europa philosophy – the roots were clearly stated in their 1923 manifesto. What they have appended in their web history is false revisionist propaganda: ie. Liberty / Mills / Locke. There is little to no English philosophical influence, much less libertarian underpinning them which is why their projection feels very alien.

    The European Movement may have had Mills / Locke underpinning (need to X-Check). That would feel more familiar.

    Vote UKIP :-D

  252. 252
    StevieBC says:

    Absolutely, I submitted an application on behalf of a friendly owl, but it disappeared into the ether !
    Is GF censoring owls now ?
    I think we should be told.

  253. 253
    anon says:

    I see SC is still talking to himself and is probably currently having a wank. All is right with the world, goodnight everyone.

  254. 254
    And there's more says:

    Monty Python – live courtroom sketch with Peter Cook.: http://youtu.be/TPDBeoUGnYE

  255. 255
    JJ says:

    Trying my best to watch BBC Newsnight tonight but it’s like watching a Ṕ@кїstani news channel with English subtitles, what the fuck is going on at the BBC lately?

  256. 256
    F##k the LibLabCon says:

    They’re are all the fucking same.

  257. 257
    StevieBC says:

    Dear Mr.Miliband,

    I want to work for you, so I don’t have to keep taking money from a big bad boy called Rupert – so I don’t have to say and write things I am told – and then I won’t have to keep trying to sell his rubbish ‘newspaper’.

    Your bestest friend,


  258. 258

    @EU Funded Pro EU Troll

    I am now at your post of June 22, 2014 at 1:17 pm.

    The issue is Snowden and I simply don’t pretend to know what he is playing at here.

    His initial action I supported before it was fashionable to do so. He is still a young man, intelligent for his age and well versed in his field but no match for the likes of Putin.

    Putin might as well have had his question framed for him, for all I know. I imagine what you probably mean by calculated strategy. I can see how you can present it as a “jumping the shark” moment, a meme which I missed at the time but understand of late. If you know any more than I do, then please update me. He must be very aware of Assange’s ongoing predicament so a real mistake seems less likely. I would be prepared to bet money that his visa is renewed on the basis that Putin stands to gain more from other similar types.

    My feeling is that, as the USA have left their sensitive data so vulnerable to interception in vast chunks, especially as they developed all the systems themselves, they are simply getting their comeuppance for sheer sloppiness.

    JadedJean25 and you did respond to the first post I made in this series but I am just dealing with your initial multiple posts with links so will avoid dealing with these now. The former’s stylistic approach is, can we say, interesting… :-) The first of this series did deal with another post which had a huge number of links that I was not able to completely explore upon first reading. It did have some carryover into this though.

    I will attempt to summarise all my posts in this series and draw together all the threads on the next and final submission, probably tomorrow if circumstances allow.

    [Part 7 of 8 :-) ]

    Vote UKIP :-D

  259. 259
    I say I say I say says:

    ““what interests you about working for the Rt Hon Ed Miliband MP?””

    He’s got a blocked nose. I am interested to know how he smells.

  260. 260
    Mark Oaten says:

    Because you’re full of crap.

  261. 261
    EeeYepBlowing Whistles says:

    There is something about most sads front company NDS. Go to and find out – catch i if you can.

  262. 262
    EeeYepBlowing Whistles says:

    EYBW likes it. But are there any journo’s or MP’s or fucking dirty wigs with real bollocks – who dare call the shots on the Rupert?

    Ans – no there fuckin ain’t.

  263. 263
    EeeYepBlowing Whistles says:

    Schulz was downed by BW – months ago.

  264. 264
    Ginger Tom says:

    Puss Cat why don’t you use the email to communicate with @EU Funded Pro EU Troll? It is vulgar to air your dirty cat basket in public.

  265. 265
    UK Gold +1 viewer says:

    My favourite one was where Mr Milibean got his head stuck up a turkey’s arse !

    I guess that’s an occupational hazard for SpAds to Gordon Brown?

  266. 266
    EeeYepBlowing Whistles says:

    Jumped up narcissistic – celeb w.anchors.

  267. 267
    Could well be leftists trying to damage Kippers says:

  268. 268
    EeeYepBlowing Whistles says:

    i claim my bacon butty.

  269. 269
    Harvey Proctor intern ad says:

    Young male intern required to assist Harvey Proctor MP.

    Must be prepared to sign a binding contract.

  270. 270
    Odd Fellow says:

  271. 271
    A Right Fucking Bastard says:

    I’d rather drive a fork-lift truck in a shit-processing plant than work for you, you mad fucking bastard.

    Fuck off.

  272. 272
    swarthy immigrant says:

    Im fucking desperate !
    £8.80 p/hr plus all the pigeons I can catch on your window sill will see me throug the winter
    Can I sleep in the toilets?

  273. 273
    EeeYepBlowing Whistles says:

    Is he is part of the ‘Omen’ brigade.

  274. 274
    EeeYepBlowing Whistles says:

    Corruption in the game of football – try looking / do a proper quest into the Prem League and its origin – Scudamore Crozier Leighton (puppets in place) – so many blind eyes turned while tony B looked ‘t other way (Ofcom / Comp comission Huh!) – Who may have had hacked inside knowledge of the orig prem bids?

  275. 275
    That went well, didn't it? says:

    Dear Ed

    I want to work for you because I am very good at getting my message across and never deviate from the point I want to make no matter how many times someone may ask me a different question.

    Also, no matter how many times someone may ask me a different question, I am very good at getting my message across.

    But mainly, I want to work for you because I never deviate from the point I want to make which makes me very good at getting my message across.

  276. 276
    Edward Lear says:

    Pussy said to the Owl, ‘You elegant fowl!
    How charmingly sweet you sing!
    O let us be married! too long we have tarried:
    But what shall we do for a ring?’
    They sailed away, for a year and a day,
    To the land where the Bong-tree grows
    And there in a wood a Piggy-wig stood
    With a ring at the end of his nose,
    His nose,
    His nose,
    With a ring at the end of his nose.

  277. 277
    cool button says:

    please keep my khat under your hat. many thanks.

  278. 278

    Have got ISIS on the other line right now.

    Tell me who is holding a gun to your head and making you read this shit and I will have them deal with it within the hour. No problem.

    Support the oppressed!

  279. 279
    Prince Andrew says:

    Fuck me!

    I wouldn’t minf a foursome with Andy Murray’s GF, mum and coach!

  280. 280
    Clerk to the Beak says:


  281. 281
    Albert's chainsaw sharpeners says:

    Has some of the words been encrypted or did the bit bucket mix some of them up due to hard drive problems, is this how the so called dictators of the EU send their messages of peace to their slaves in Britain.

  282. 282
    Russell Brand says:

    Right on!

    Occupy Fawkes!

  283. 283
    cool as an iceburg , clean wall says:

    project all you like, there is no more money.

  284. 284
    Here is a game you can play with yourself says:

    The sounds of Onanonism come across the airwaves.

  285. 285

    Even by Bla!r’s standards, this is a very sinister photo:

    Vote UKIP :-D

  286. 286
    realspin says:

    Dear Ed,

    Peace! I’m an ethnic minority female with transgender tendencies who is currently a freelance crystal healing practitioner, but have so far been dissuaded from following my destiny because of the endemic repression of the capitalist mode of production under the ConDem government.

    I feel alienated from my true species-being as a result of the vicious austerity programme of this democratically unelected government and this had led to issues with honesty which recently saw me arrested by the Police on groundless charges of being an illegal working class benefit claimant – I am actually a member of the underclass, I like to say!

    I am passionate about the Labour Party and have decided to donate a percentage of my weekly welfare cheque to show my solidarity with the sisters (and brothers) who are attempting a class struggle that will result in the end to the immiseration of the proletariat. It’s essential that we struggle for an egalitarian society, and only you can enforce this on the millions of people in our country who don’t want it – unless the EU gets there first.

    Love is all you need, brother man,

    Shorna L’esbica-Banjavalet van Montrachet

    ps – I am also good with owls!

  287. 287
    Norma Louise says:

    I can’t figure why, Ed – it’s so strange and yet
    I have this compulsion to make you my pet
    So pick me (my name’s Norman Bates, by the way)
    And I can guarantee that you’ll always stay
    Like you are today, a lovable fella
    You and me, we’ll have fun, down in my cellar

  288. 288
    Diane FatBot says:

    Nope but I know he slurped on a lot of sausages to get his safe seat

  289. 289
    The BBC are cunts says:

  290. 290
    Car crash in Morley says:


  291. 291
    T.B£iar - the People's Messiah says:

    The religion of peace up to much today ?

  292. 292
    Yaswhinge Alahbi-Brown says:

    This is a hate crime! Hate! Hate! Hate!

    Ed Balls may be white but, as a good socialist, that may be overlooked.

  293. 293
    Reg Dwight says:

    Verily, Ed Miliband must be the Pinhead Wizard. :D

  294. 294

    The pub would in reality have been long ago converted into either an islamic centre or a saree shop .

  295. 295
    The Lone Ranger says:

    No one with half a brain would want to live in certain parts of London.

  296. 296
    Owen Jones,Socialist turned Capitalist says:

    I attended an “austerity march”, even though I support Labour who have promised to be “tougher than the Conservatives” on welfare payments.

  297. 297
    The Lone Ranger says:

    Greenpeace fascists clock up the miles:


    Come to think of it, wtf does a charity doing God’s work need a ceo?

  298. 298
    Diane Abbott (innit) says:

    No, mon, I is ‘ere innit?

    Is it coz I is fat and black innit?

  299. 299
    Ockham's Razor says:

    I would like to nominate myself, I really would. All my life, I have strained every sinew to reach suck an exalted peak.

    But realise I am outclassed in every respect by Yasmin Alibhai-Brown.

    She is omnipresent. Is she really a mere human or actually a God?

  300. 300
    Glen Bulb says:

    “Owl” be Ed’s ideal assistant, because I’m a twit too.

  301. 301
    Penguin from the Pole (south) says:

    Will I get free fish and someone to tickle my tummy?

  302. 302

    I have been looking for Valerie for ages.

  303. 303
    Vacant Ned's prospective stalking owl says:

    Dear Ned

    You need to think carefully about your image and move up to a higher class of hair-dressing. I can assure you that I can provide a ready supply of the requisite lotion – just so long as you keep the bacon butties coming. (I do trust that they’re not halal ?)

    Yours truly

    The Glimmer Owl



  304. 304
    Penguin from the Pole (south) says:

    Just one point. I do produce a lot of droppings, but heyho who don’t..
    Here in the South Pole I have a photo of you nailed to my iceberg.

  305. 305
    Boot out the Conservative led coalition in 2015 says:

    The NHS has been offered up to the private sector, says Britain’s chief doctor


    Get rid of this trash in 2015 .

  306. 306
    Iain Duncan Smith says:

    Another area where this shitty Coalition Government (Tory and LibDem) have lied to the British people about what they are doing.

    The British people want to keep the NHS, but this government will sell it off anyway, behind their backs.

  307. 307
    Genghiz the kahn says:

    A bit of statistical research into the economic impact of barriers to entry from fun loving nubile blondes at exclusive hotels, funded by EU taxpayers.

  308. 308
    Horses 4 Cources says:

    Better the Health industry run the NHS than the Politicians. Why would anyone other than a lefty want amateurs looking after his quackery?

  309. 309
    Genghiz the kahn says:

    And no bloody wonder, looks as if he wants to undertake some statistical research into the economic impact of barriers to entry, and membership exit conducted by fun loving nubile blondes at exclusive hotels, with an appeal for additional funding from EU taxpayers.

  310. 310
    Camerades_in_Armz says:

    Depends really on how big they want their audience to be.
    Imagine an 85% white audience with a schedule of back-to-back Cosby Show episodes?

  311. 311
    Expectant of Nut Wood says:

    Dear Ed.

    I rush to check the post every morning, hoping my Owl has arrived. But so far the postman has only delivered flyers. Have you sent it by Air Mail?

  312. 312
    Prime Minister David Cameron says:

    It’s true what they say “You just can’t trust the Tories with the NHS”

    I’m doing my utmost to lose the 2015 General Election,please help me.

  313. 313
    Owls4all says:

  314. 314
    Nick Clegg says:

    Camoron’s infamous pledge ‘no top down reorganisation of the NHS’. Why can’t people understand the statement made over and over again since Maggie’s days ‘you can’t trust the Tories with the NHS’.

    Hear ! Hear !

  315. 315
    Albert's chainsaw sharpeners says:

    Er, Ed gis a job, I promise not to nick your wheeltrims and I won’t tell me mates where you live and what you have hidden away in that nice expensive safe, onest.

  316. 316
    Owl's well in love and hate says:

    If you had said politicians and not carried on with your answering own comments then maybe you would have had a reply which is not your own, carry on I hope your Liebour masters have patted you on your head for a job well done.

  317. 317
  318. 318
    Boot out the Conservative led coalition in 2015 says:

    Jeremy Hunt cut 2,916 Psychiatric Nurses & 1,400 Mental Health Beds. On Radio 4 he just claimed to be a champion of mental health services.

  319. 319
    Curiouser and Curiouser says:

    When are all the lying thieving self-serving career politicians in the HoC going to stop calling themselves “Honourable Members” and “Right Honourables” ?

    Are any of the fuckers still “Gallant” or “Learned” ?

  320. 320
    The Lone Ranger says:

    Guy on left doesn’t seem to think much of old Barroso.

  321. 321
    Jean-Claude Juncker says:

    I am the only one.



  322. 322
    The Lone Ranger says:

    Hunt needs mental health services himself.

  323. 323
    Cynic says:

    I want to work for Ed because that Bastard Duncan Smith said they would stop my benefit if I didn’t apply for a job and as I am white and poor I cannot afford to buy one off Tower Hamlets Council

  324. 324
    Stu says:

    Tell you what moron lets get labour back in. There will be no NHS because there will be no money you f..cking prat.

  325. 325
    The Lone Ranger says:

    The Crossby show is quality entertainment compared with East Enders!

  326. 326
    Gissa_Gob says:

    Dear Mr Milliband,
    I have heard that you are an honest politician, which is why I would like to work for you, considering myself likewise, an honest person.
    I do hope that you will be not be phased by people who speak out, which is why I have to confess to thinking that you are an obnoxious, little turd.
    It is so good to know that I will be working for someone that does not want a team of “yes men”, which is why ‘yours truly’ will fit so well with the rest of your stinking apparatchiks.
    My salary expectations are modest. About one hundred thousand a year ought to be enough to sit in the same office as you. For that amount of money I would feel honoured to push your party over the cliff..

  327. 327

    If only they would privatise the NHS, imagine a hospital where nurses who sat around all day talking about the latest batch of idiot records, or doing their nails were sacked on the spot ,or cleaners who just splashed filthy water over the floor of the wards suffered the same fate.
    Imagine the improvements if proper inventories were made of equipment and drugs ,where thieving led to prosecution and imprisonment.
    Like all public ran institutions it is always somebody else’s money ,so who cares there will always be plenty more!

  328. 328
    The bloated NHS is dead. Hoorah says:

    If you want anything other than a basic health service then be prepared to pay big bucks. The age of a bloated taxpayer funded inefficient NHS are over. As are the days of the rest of the world coming in for treatment because they knew we were a soft touch and would not turn them away.

  329. 329
    Albert's chainsaw sharpeners says:

    It’s done and dusted, Cameron can play feigned indignation to his local idiots but he knows he has nothing to show, serves him right, seems to take a stand on anything in the EUSSR is to tell them it won’t be implemented or they can go and get fcked, Cameron and his yellow streak plus the added yellow streak of the Libcraps will just roll-over and get his tummy tickled while the British public take the EU hits and what we have as a democracy ends.

  330. 330
    Anonymous says:

    I want to help you as much as I can because I am a Conservative

  331. 331

    If you pleasing mr millibanding i will be very glad to be doing the workings with you
    i come to country 10 years ago when mr blair bombbed my country leaving me with no houseing
    my 15 children are being loving it here in the britain with big house , car , and big park near bye to be grazing our goats and the chicken
    with lots benefits we have lovely nice time here and so would like to earn the extra quids to send to cousin mohamed so he can be bringing his 22 children here to be schooling
    thanking you very glad

    Abdul mohamed mohamed rasheed salim Masoooood

  332. 332
  333. 333
    Fred the pensioner says:

    You could get Dame Alibaba to be your typist cum proofreader! Jackpots all round.

  334. 334
    B Bunter - professional Fatty says:

    .. and that explains why they are also known as the Owls of the Remove.

  335. 335
    Ber Cow says:

    Two words: safe seat.

  336. 336
    All MP's are scum says:

    Got to be the winner.

  337. 337
    B Bunter - professional pedant says:


    FFS how many more times do you need to be told to learn the difference between ‘as’ and ‘has’?

  338. 338
    B Bunter - professional pedant says:

    Nope – failed in line 2 with “lets park etc”. There will be nobody working in this office who forgets when to use appropriate apostrophes.

  339. 339
    The BBC says:

    Coming soon:

    The all new, all multicultural…


    In episode 1, ISIS takes over Walford Market and executes all the residents for not being sufficiently Islamic.

    In episode 2, er…

  340. 340
    Bruce in charge of the sheep dip says:


  341. 341
    B Bunter - professional pedant says:

    Di, you are already aboard the ship of fools. Bring your sea-sickness pills (some of us might need them).

  342. 342
    Oh, really? says:

    I would be paid to research my book: “Working for the wrong brother” which I am hoping will be an owling good success.

  343. 343
    B Bunter - professional pedant says:

    “Martyr” is not the word I would personally choose in this context. I might change though on the day she lands in Damascus.

  344. 344
    B Bunter - professional pedant says:

    Winner :-)

    Made me laugh out loud – and spill my coffee.

  345. 345
    Albert's chainsaw sharpeners says:

    Mr Cat, that was already taken into account, when I left my comment but telling people to vote UKIP all the time gets people into a tired of reading failure and they skip the message, tell them at the right time when their’s something to vote for is ok, but an occasional Vote UKIP just to top up their memory is ok, but like charites who advertise on tv every 5 mins is tiring and leaves a bad taste and an aversion to wanting to help or tick your box.

  346. 346
    B Bunter - professional pedant says:

    It is called “Islamification”

  347. 347
    RWG says:

    Luciana looks like an owl, come to think about it..

    The difference is that owls attack for a reason.

  348. 348
    RWG says:

    …and this benefits medical science how??

  349. 349
    RWG says:

    Clapper in a church bell?

    Chucking a saveloy into the Dartford tunnel?

  350. 350
    Bob cuntface Crow says:

    Yes it is.

  351. 351
    RWG says:

    Ed, I’d like to work with you, because the technology doesn’t exist yet to beam polonium into your tea at a distance.

  352. 352
    Anonymous says:

    “Why Would You Want to Work for Ed Miliband?”
    Because I love a challenge. So being in a position to pose him a series of simple bespoke questions. Specifically designed to draw out his personal interpretation of reality, and hopefully rectify the cognitive dissonance therein. Must surely constitute a challenge worthy of the name. Oh! and the best part being, I work for free.

  353. 353
    Darnishia says:

    Free Owl init.

  354. 354
    Vlad the Loudhailer says:

    Dear Mr Miliband
    I am a pensioner of modest means (having been robbed blind by Gordon the Moron), but I have the ability to make people love me and may be you, if you give me the job as your assistant. Let me explain.
    Last week I got a summons from the Inland Revenue so I went along with my lawyer to HMRC. The tax inspector said that I lived a very extravagant lifestyle (third world cruise in two years) but I have virtually no income so he could only assume that I was not being honest or I was a very good gambler. I said I was a great gambler but the Tax Inspector said he doubted that, so I asked if he would take a modest wager of £1000 if I could bite my own eyeball! The Tax Inspector took the bet, so I took out my right glass eye and bite it. He was amazed and a £1000 down.
    Wanting to be fair I suggested that we have another bet of £2000 that I could bite my other eyeball. The Tax Inspector realised that I wasn’t blind and readily and took the bet. So I took out my false teeth and bite my other eyeball. The Tax Inspector was beside himself with disbelief and £3000 down. Realising he was in a really big hole I suggested that we have a last bet, double or quits, this time I bet I could stand on the edge of his eight foot wide desk and urinate into the waste paper basket on the floor at the other side without getting anything on the desk wet. After sometime time he finally agreed to take the bet, so being a proud 68 year old I proceeded, but strain as I might I could only manage to urinate all over his desk and my tax return. The Tax Inspector was delighted, he shouted with delight at my abysmal performance and was £3000 pounds richer than prior to my visit.
    My Layer on the other hand put his head in his hands and groaned loudly. The Tax Inspector asked if he was all right. No replied my Lawyer, “before we came in he bet me £25,000 that I could pee all over your desk and you’d cheer with delight”!
    So Mr Miliband let me come and pee all over your desk, you would also be delighted and it would give me lasting satisfaction and revenge for what the last Labour government did to me.

    Yours sincerely

    A computer illiterate UKIPper

  355. 355
    Bob cuntface Crow says:

    Fuck off Prescott.

  356. 356
    Bob cuntface Crow says:

    Got my owl today.

  357. 357
    Wayne Hitler says:

    Dear Mister Milimilli. Ed,
    To date I have been beaten to all kinds of jobs, mostly shit shoveling, by applicants with opposable thumbs. I am fine now the Doc has upped my medication and despite my incontinence problem, feel we go together like Gordon Brown and Broadmoor.
    Unlike you, I like bacon and wonder, if you are forced to eat more of it, can I have the bits you drop or can’t swallow?
    I don’t go on too long about past convictions or need for Fridays off sick.
    I am good on the ‘phone, I’ve got a big bag full, I even know the Number of the Beast!
    Laters, Wayne.

    PS I got a big stick.

  358. 358
    Statsman says:

    NHS Qualified nursing, midwifery & health visiting employees

    June 2010 total full time equivalent positions – 310, 647

    November 2013 total full time equivalent positions – 312,900

    At a time when total positions have gone up, you need to ask NHS managers how they have deployed the troops, not Dave.

    Just for the record, you’re not the ludicrous Dr Eoin Clarke, are you?

  359. 359
    A retired Gynaecologist says:

    Now that I’ve finished in private practice, my wife has suggested that I keep my ‘hand in’. To this end I thought I’d try and spend some time with the biggest cnut in the country.

  360. 360
    Rightallalong says:

    Dear Mr Miliband,

    Like you, I’m a blue thinking, one nation, pre-distribution stakeholder.

  361. 361
    pissed off voter says:

    Good question. Why would you?

  362. 362

    I have enough problems concerning boxes to worry about without thinking about them being ticked. :-)

    UKIP make very nice sandwiches :-)

    UKIP like beer, not too highly taxed, though :-D

    UKIP send emails, fucking millions of them, to fill stupid people’s boxes :-D


  363. 363
    Radicalized Non-Muslim says:

    “Clobbering the mansion owners” would provide only pennies when distributed to the poor-were it even earmarked for the poor. This is just Labour gobshite and Balls is either a fool a rogue or both.

  364. 364
    Anonymous says:

    I’m sure you’re well aware already Billy, but sticky buns don’t make for a stunning photo opportunity either.

  365. 365
    Anonymous says:

    Word of advice Billy – please do try and stay off the sticky buns during staged photo opportunities. You will have seen what can happen to other folk.

  366. 366
    The Growler says:

    Is Teddy on something or is he falling asleep while standing up?

  367. 367
    Bill de Burgh says:

    I may be able to stop weeping with laughter at this before bed-time, but I doubt it.

  368. 368
    Dave and the Camerons says:

    “Juncker (pause) git out of mah life…..”
    (for our older listeners)

  369. 369
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Boris on British Jihadis. Apparently based on MI5 intel:

“If you look at all the psychological profiling about bombers, they typically will look at porn. They are literally w***ers. Severe onanists. They are tortured. They will be very badly adjusted in their relations with women, and that is a symptom of their feeling of being failures and that the world is against them. They are not making it with girls, and so they turn to other forms of spiritual comfort — which of course is no comfort.”

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