June 19th, 2014

SKETCH: That Miliband Speech in Full

“Greetings earthlings. Voters. Citizens. Please select appropriate honorific.

“Yesterday, I talked to Danny at the Job Centre. I said to Danny, ‘Tell me, Danny, has the Job Centre been good enough in getting you training?’

‘It’s been completely useless.’

“Completely useless, eh? There you have it, the Job Centre has broken the bargain. Shall we destroy them? That is the tough decision we shall be right to take. Because the country has broken the bargain too. It’s supposed to be working for you, and is it? I have answered my own question. It’s not good enough. Some say I’m not good enough for Britain, but neither is Britain.

“So what do? Is this the question?  A big problem needs a big solution. My first solution was Predistribution. This was such a big solution it had five syllables. But it was not enough. Britain deserved more. Contributionariness is two syllables longer and yet it does not cost extra. Its revenue-neutrality sends a message that we are facing up to tough decisions as Britain deserves.

“So we shall abolish Job Seekers’ Allowances for young people and replace it with Job Trainers’ Allowance worth the same aggregate of monetary units. The cost of living crisis will be addressed by this long-term economic plan. And the evil Tory hegemony shall be destroyed. It is the right thing to do and right to do it we are. Thank you. Good night. I shall return.”


  1. 1
    CharlieTheChump says:

    Socialist muppets we are


  2. 2
    Ed Moribund says:

    Yowre all tewwiblwy wude


    • 23
      Anni Horribulis, c/o the MCB says:

      And if you are fit to create a better England, then I’ll jump off a pier.

      Labour. Should be called the World Worst Immigrants Party. In formerly the best country.q

      Liked by 1 person

  3. 3
    Ali G says:

    So me get down de job centre and dey give me trainers?

    Liked by 1 person

  4. 4
    pookie snackumberger says:

    The Muppet man is back, and he’s turning up the muppetry.


  5. 5
    Racist Watch says:

    Nigel Farage has risked accusations of racism after saying he is “proud” to have formed an official alliance with far-right politicians in the European parliament.

    Ukip have joined forces with members of the Sweden Democrats party and a former member of the French National Front.


    • 16
      Zzzzzzzzz says:

      In country where people are routinely accused of racism for fuck all forgive me if I don’t get too worked up about this.

      Liked by 1 person

    • 20
      Engerland says:

      What is a racist these days?


      • 34
        Fear The Ice says:

        this might help


      • 48
        confused.com says:

        racism is defined in case law as the following

        Romanians are more likely to commit crime – Nigel Farage = Racist and should be hung

        Poverty is being used as an excuse for failure by white working-class – Head of Ofsted = not racist and should be promoted


      • 87
        paxo's lament says:

        a waycist is a white brit who doesn’t want to become an ethnic minority in his own fecking country


    • 40
      táxpáyér says:

      Stop the fascist UAF


    • 41
      táxpáyér says:

      “ex” Maoists and other international socialists seem to run the show in the economically backward areas known as the EU.


    • 88
      The Independent says:

      “the two Sweden Democrat MEPs, Kristina Winberg and Peter Lundgren, were obliged to write a letter to the Ukip leader distancing themselves from their party’s past.”


  6. 6
    Haribo Halfwit says:

    What is that board behind him trying to say?

    What is Milibandskas trying to say?

    Is this another of Simon Carr’s sketches?


  7. 9
    teflon dave says:

    freaky man weirds out children


  8. 10

    Tumultuous applause from the Islington set…


  9. 11
    Ed Marxbot says:

    The Wevoluthion is werry close now.


  10. 12
    Oh Mandy says:


  11. 13
    *yawn* says:

    I listened to it. It wasn’t as coherent or interesting as your sketch makes out. I demand a refund.


  12. 14
  13. 17
    Lurch to the Left says:


    Miliband’s getting so desperate now he’s trying to look tough on welfare when everyone knows Labour have opposed every single welfare reform going.

    Labour have already pledged to scrap the “bedroom tax” as part of their commitment to a massive welfare spending binge.


    • 46
      Youth Tax for the many says:

      Yes but what Ed has done today is propose a Youth Tax – I fully support this damaging nonsense.


  14. 18
    Lord Voldemort says:

    So, after all these years, Labour have invented the YTS?


  15. 19
    Will says:

    Was ed miliband looking what he needs to do to sign on after the election.


  16. 21
    Isn't the government doing something similar anyway? says:


    • 26
      Lurch to the Left says:

      And scrap the “bedroom tax” so people can hog houses they no longer need at the expense of taxpayers.


    • 29
      Not in my name says:

      Excellent. Tough on welfare to the extent of dressing dole up as training (again) and means testing the family income of 18-21 year olds so that any from a family unit with income over £42k get hammered.

      Which would be one of those “hard working familes” then


    • 43
      Fixed That For You says:

      A Labour government will increase benefits


    • 77
      The Critic says:

      Brilliant! The victims of Labour’s epic failure on education get punished for it. Blame Transfer is so satisfying.


    • 85
      Ittha Plan says:

      Train them in urban guerilla warfare, for when the “british” ‘stani jihados come back from the latest mozlem war-zone.


  17. 24
    Will says:

    Selfie with the trainee trying to look cool !!! #tryingtoohardtolookcool


  18. 25
    Anni Horribulis, c/o the MCB says:

    Millifuck. The only person able to make the Great Mong of scotch land look impressive.

    Just fuck off with your means tested allowances. Work forty years, get ten weeks jsa before the hammer comes down.


  19. 27
    Ali G says:

    I come to claim me job trainers allowance
    me job tracky bottom allowance
    and me bling da ting kiss me batty iphone allowance.


  20. 28
    Will says:

    Trying to force the unemployed on training schemes does not work. I know because I have been on one. The problem is what do you do if wayne or waynette is late or absent, do you stop thier benefits, with all the hassle of getting them to make a fresh claim, the idea the Tories had of topping up benefits and giving travel allowances for daily travel was better. You need to incentivise people to attend not punish them. Also it has to be decent meaningful training or its just a waste of time.


  21. 32
    EXACTLY says:


    • 38
      Calamity Clegg, Chief Cockroach says:

      ‘Dear Mike, I had my fingers crossed when I said it. Love & kisses, Toxic Nick.’


      • 63
        Fishy says:

        They’ve asked him to ‘resign from party’, notice. NOT resign seat.


        • 73
          WoRaft Chihuahua says:

          They shouldn’t be asking him to resign from the party – they should have expelled him. Clegg is wetter than a dogfish dick.


          • Ann, the poverty stricken accounts clerk says:

            THAT’s what I like WoR – folk telling it like it is.

            Do please keep going. :-)


  22. 33
    David Axlegrease says:


  23. 39
    Ed's think tank says:

    I can’t understand why we have so many young folk without jobs.
    Obviously nothing to do with immigration because the jobs those people do are in a parallel universe to ours.
    Oh well here kids have a shit YTS placement to be getting on with till your old enough or fat enough to claim disability benefit.


    • 67
      Fishy says:

      …and it can’t be anything to do with the education system that Labour fucked up…and the 30% of young people that leave school functionally illiterate. Can it?


  24. 42
    The Verdict says:

    Overrated entertainer with a mediocre painting ability.


  25. 49
    Guy News Room says:

    Security alert over Owen Jones at Parliament after a six bottle lunch is now over – people going back in and traffic flowing again.


  26. 50
    The Vicar of Albion says:

    http://news.sky.com/story/1285512/parliament-evacuated-over-suspicious-package has Cable lost his rucksack again? ;)


  27. 51
    non taxable pikey says:

    Stan Collymore has been gobbing off on Twitter about the Falklands and the Falklands War. This has pissed off the veterans somewhat and there are moves afoot to get the twat fired from talkSport.


    • 81
      Ann, the poverty stricken accounts clerk says:

      That is what happens to folk who spend half their lives allowing a heavy leather airbag to keep landing on their heads. Just ignore him, but I fear he will not go away.


    • 84
      cvnt spotta says:

      Has Collywobble stopped beating women yet?


  28. 52
    Anonymous says:

    I get an email from an investment bank every day on my sector. This morning’s was funny…

    “…the opposition are becoming increasingly incoherent, proposing to abolish Ofgem last year yet now proposing further powers, proposing a price freeze and subsequently enforced price reductions. This indicates a clear risk for the industry depending on the outcome of the general election next May.”


  29. 53
    Guffaws says:

    Suspicious package found in Westminster.

    Police sources say it’s labelled “The Condition of Britain” on the front.


    • 65
      Met Pol Gold Commander says:

      There’s a huge amount of suspicious packages been left in the vicinity of the east end.


      • 82
        Ann, the poverty stricken accounts clerk says:

        Are they all sporting burqas and baggy pajama bottoms (otherwise known as ‘shit-catchers’ in the middle east and Stan regions)?


  30. 58
    Wild Colonial Boy says:

    Are they going to tie Rolf`s kangeroo down?


  31. 60
    Sunni & Shia says:

    They say we’re young and we don’t know
    Won’t find out untill we grow
    Well I don’t know babe if that’s true
    Cause you got me and baby I got you

    Babe, I got you babe, I got you, Babe.

    They say our love won’t pay the rent
    Before it’s earn’d our money’s always spent
    I guess that’s so, we don’t have a lot
    But at least I’m sure of all the things we got

    Babe, I got you babe, I got you, Babe.

    I got flowers in the spring
    I got you, to wear my ring
    And when I’m sad, you’re a clown
    And when I get scared you’re always around so let them say your hair’s too long
    But I don’t care, with you I can’t go wrong
    Then put your little hand in mine
    There ain’t no hill or mountain we can’t climb

    Babe, I got you babe, I got you, Babe.

    I got you to hold my hand
    I got you to understand
    I got you to walk with me
    I got you to talk with me
    I got you to kiss goodnight
    I got you to hold me tight
    I got you and I won’t let go
    I got you who loves me so
    I got you, babe


  32. 62
    Diane Slugusset..well known labour apologist and vaz licker says:

    big deal .. quite how he thinks this type of speech will improve his chances with the electorate is beyond me .. certainly guarantees at least 100,000 18-24 year olds won’t be voting labour….. bring back gordon I say


  33. 68
    Jeremy Paxman says:

    That grammar school boy Michael Howard got £750 for that 20 second gig on Newsnight last night. C.unt. Nearly as much as me.


  34. 70
    Jeremy Paxman says:

    I ask you again…

    Is Iain Duncan Smith piping Esther McVey?
    Is Iain Duncan Smith piping Esther McVey?
    Is Iain Duncan Smith piping Esther McVey?
    Is Iain Duncan Smith piping Esther McVey?
    Is Iain Duncan Smith piping Esther McVey?
    Is Iain Duncan Smith piping Esther McVey?
    Is Iain Duncan Smith piping Esther McVey?
    Is Iain Duncan Smith piping Esther McVey?
    Is Iain Duncan Smith piping Esther McVey?
    Is Iain Duncan Smith piping Esther McVey?
    Is Iain Duncan Smith piping Esther McVey?
    Is Iain Duncan Smith piping Esther McVey?
    Is Iain Duncan Smith piping Esther McVey?
    Is Iain Duncan Smith piping Esther McVey?


  35. 71
    bogbrush says:

    Great stuff guys


  36. 72
    Enquirer says:

    Are we 100% certain that Miliband is not actually a spoof identity of Sacha Baren-Cohen?

    That photo is suspicously similar, and it would explain so many things.


  37. 75
    Simon says:

    I used to think the SKETCH pieces were rubbish. But with time they’ve become the best and funniest thing on here!


  38. 76
  39. 78
    IPPR Equals - Labour Party says:

    Anyone who imagines IPPR is not an extension of the Labour Party isn’t living in the real world.

    I spent time at numerous Labour conferences in the 90’s and 2000’s on business as an exhibitor and I can promise you it was well known that “charity” was stuffed with ex labour and MP staffers, or party workers. I learnt that at election time, some of them even were granted “special leave” to go and “observe” the campaign.

    There were numerous inbred affairs I got to know of between MP’s and IPPR people, Labour liaisons, staff comings and goings between various labour circles and nearly all of the staff I met had at the very least Labour membership and were councillors or whatever!


    • 83
      Ann, the poverty stricken accounts clerk says:

      Gosh! Now that really is surprising….

      Comme on dit en France, quoi de neuf?


  40. 92
    S. Flander (Miliband's ex). says:

    (1) Coalition v shadow cabinet: whose constituencies are worse hit by unemployment? (The Guardian Wednesday 16 March 2011): “New research shows Labour MPs harder hit than Coalition members when it comes to unemployment in their constituencies.”

    (2) Unemployment benefit map shows party political divide (The Guardian, Thursday 26 January 2012): “Twelve of the 15 seats with highest percentage of claimants are held by Labour, while lowest claimant areas are mostly Tory or Lib Dem seats”

    (3)Hard-working families forced to pay extra £528 extra on council tax bills to cover £2.4BILLION debt left by people who refuse to pay (Daily Mail, 12 January 2014): “Nine out of the 10 worst councils for collecting council tax are Labour-run”.

    Youtube Search: “BBC Documentary – Don’t Cap My Benefits!”.

    Youtube Search: “The 1987 Party Political Broadcast by the Conservative party “.

    Youtube Search: “Conservative | Party Political Broadcast | BBC1 31/03/1982″.

    Youtube Search: “Party Political Broadcast By The Conservatives 30th Apr 1985″.


  41. 93

    What a horrible man – the problem with socialism is you eventually run out of other peopples money


  42. 94
    The Ghost of Crippen says:

    Millibland just looks and sounds a complete eejit. Repatedly.


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